Re: Problems
I never said getting drunk was going to be the solution. My problems aren’t the type of problems that have solutions. Getting drunk was originally supposed to be a way of helping me to forget some of it for a while, rather than causing more problems.
I’m sure my soul is going to be hugely disappointed when I die and it realises that I never had any problems I was capable of getting over. My whole life has just been an entire waste of time and energy from everyone’s point of view. If I had never been born, Dad wouldn’t have to worry about me being in the house and could bring home as many girlfriends as he wanted to, Damien could have just got together with either Michelle or the other one that much quicker without having to spend time with me to keep up the lies. Now I’ve wasted eighteen years of my soul’s time which it could have spent with someone else who was actually going to achieve something.
Like global warming, my life has had too much damage done to it to be repairable. On the other hand, there are some people who care about global warming, and people should care about it. There’s nobody around me who would care about my problems. There’s only two people around me. I know Dad doesn’t care about me, and the other one’s Damien, who’s the source of half my problems.
I just feel so ashamed and angry at myself for letting what happened happen that night. If I had been thinking properly when I thought I shouldn’t have been out on my own, I would have just gone home. If Dad hadn’t been home, I wouldn’t even have had to go out. I probably could have gotten even drunker if I had just stayed home. There’s enough wine in the cupboard. I phoned Damien and he turned up not too long afterwards. He asked me why I’d called him, and I wasn’t really sure. We talked for a little while. I remember him asking me what I’d been up to recently, and I told him the truth and said I’ve been doing nothing. After that, he just put his arm around me and told me how sorry he was for everything he’d done. Normally, I would have pulled away from any kind of contact with him, but he just sounded so genuinely sorry and I couldn’t force myself to pull myself away. The feeling of having his arm around me and the smell of his aftershave again was just too much for me to say no to. I think I kissed him after that. The whole night after that was just as though the last three months between me and him had never happened. It felt amazing at the time. I’d forgotten just how good it felt to have him around and now I miss him even more than I did before.
I think it must have been about four o’clock by the time I got home, because I remember it being half past three when we decided to walk to his house to get his car so he could drive me home, because it was quicker to do that than to have him walk me home, although at the time I didn’t want to go home - I wanted to stay with him.
I got out of bed the next afternoon and turned my phone off before he could start texting me, because I knew he would. That was just the latest in my long line of stupid ideas, because then he got worried about me when I didn’t reply and he knows where I live. When he turned up at my house that evening I couldn’t say no to him then either. What happened after that is a whole other story on its own, because Damien was supposed to be meeting Michelle when he came to my house, and one of Damien’s brothers told Michelle where to find him when he didn’t turn up. The short version is Dad kicked me out of the house that night because of all the noise Michelle was making so I was left with the choice between either sleeping on the street or sleeping at Damien’s house, and Damien had to take Michelle to hospital because of the baby and the state she had gotten herself in.
Gabriel, I don’t just feel like everything’s going wrong, I know everything’s going wrong. Nothing is going right for me at all. I don’t think things could be worse for me right now if I tried. Maybe I do sound like Camael, but the difference between me and her is that I actually have something to be depressed about.
I don’t think Damien will ever learn his lesson about anything. Don’t do anything too bad to him though, because I’m always the one he comes running to afterwards, and if the police get involved I fit the profile perfectly for having a motivation to do something to him.
-Poppy
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