To: God
Re: Damien and M_ses

Ah, I’m so glad I know what went on now. I automatically assumed the worst. The next time Gabriel and Michael decide it’s necessary to get me drunk though, can you ask them to go a bit easier on me? I’m still feeling terrible. How long do these hangovers normally last? Maybe I just have a really low tolerance for it, having never got drunk before. I think I must have consumed more alcohol last night than I have in my entire life. I can’t say I’m not grateful though, in another sense. As far as revenge goes, I’m not sure I could top what Michael and Gabriel did, so tell them thanks.

Damien and Michelle have been arguing? The way Damien was ‘talking’ to me, he was making out that him and Michelle had the perfect relationship. I was trying to tell Michelle about his other girlfriend, but Damien was telling her that I was just making it up to spite him and she wouldn’t believe it. I wish I had more information on her. I don’t even know her name. I only know about her because Damien told me he had another girlfriend when I found out about Michelle and didn’t have much else to lose. I’m sure one of these days I’ll find out.

Oh, are Michael and Gabriel still on Earth? Damien just called and said how he woke up this afternoon half naked and doesn’t know where he is and needs a lift home. Yes, he actually had the nerve to call me, of all people. He says that after last night Michelle isn’t talking to him and won’t pick him up. At least that’s what I think he said. I was too busy laughing at him (I know Gabriel and Michael have already had their way with him, but it can’t hurt to rub it in a bit. It felt fantastic). He said something about how when he’d woken up there was a large trout next to him. I think that Gabriel must have left it behind. I’m not quite sure what Raphael’s obsession is (is it just me, or do all the angels seem to be obsessed with one thing or another?), but after reading his message to Gabriel, I’m worried he’s going to do something bad. If Gabriel asks, can you tell her Damien’s got it?

So, ‘M’ was really that bad, huh? I know it says a lot in the Bible, but it says that you had chosen the Israelites as your chosen people, and he was just avenging them for all the terrible things that had been done to them. Now that’s a lie as well? Is there anything in the Bible that actually IS true? Are there any pages in there that would be worth me not ripping out and burning like I did with Harry Potter?

‘M’ can’t be that much of a bad guy though, right? I mean, he helped the slaves escape from Egypt, after you had sent ten plagues to kill all the Egyptians, or so it says. Surely that’s got to be a good thing? Even if you didn’t come up with the ten commandments, they all seem to make sense. What happened to make him turn bad?

And what’s the deal with the rock, anyway? Okay, so he didn’t give you proper credit for making the water come out of the rock. I can understand that you’d be a bit upset, but not letting him into the promised land because of that always seemed a bit harsh to me.

Right, I think I’m off to bed now. I hope this hangover will have gone by tomorrow.

-Poppy

To: Poppy
Re: Explanations

I know you've been worried for a little while about what happened that night, and I'd like first to reassure you that nothing terrible happened to you. This is how it went:

As I'm sure you'll have figured out by now the two you met just before you would have attacked Damien were Michael and Gabriel. Neither of which, were in their rooms. They saw you and what was about to happen, and decided to intervene. They did get you drunk, so that you might lower your inhibitions and get some of what you felt about Damien off your chest.

As you might imagine, Damien was rather drunk that night too. He was also quite pissed off and jealous, because two absolutely gorgeous guys were chatting up his ex.

Despite the rumours going on up here and nowadays on your own quaint little planet too, Gabriel is not the kind of angel to take advantage of a distraught (and rather drunk) young girl. Instead her and Michael made sure you got home ok, then went back to the club.

By that time, Michelle had stormed out because Damien was drunkenly looking for you and kept yelling your name, so Gabriel and Michael took him back to the Penthouse suite and...

Well, we stopped watching at that point. What we do know is he woke up the next afternoon having no idea where he was, feeling rather sweaty, having a rather sore ass and the taste of trout in his mouth. Still not sure why that was. Otherwise seems to be ok though, and it remains to be seen what happens with Michelle, if indeed anything much does. They've had these kind of arguments before.

Now, you also asked about the 10 commandments, and M_ses...

Sadly, M_ses's name is not mentioned in polite company, hence the underscores. This is done not because we have to, but by general agreement and good taste on the part of myself and the Angels. He was the first true dictator of humans, and ancient stories of your kind once said that his evil made the 'demons shiver'. Naturally, the Christians eradicated all they could find of these teachings.

He believed his people were superior morally, racially and favoured by myself. Feeding this belief, he decided it was ok (and indeed, my will) to eradicate all the other peoples of the Earth who had land he wanted (much like the more recent Hitler/Stalin/George Bush). Not only this, but because the other races were so inferior, it was perfectly ok to rape and abuse any virgin girl the soldiers came across, and commit genocide on the rest.

The ten commandments were nothing more than a method of putting the 'fear of God' into his chosen people, with M_ses and his son's as ruler of the kingdom, and if he had his way, one day ruler of all!

Not to completely destroy your ideals though, I will say that some of the information in the 10 commandments isn't a bad idea to live by. Most people accept that stealing and murder is wrong (obviously not the one who brought the laws to people though).

-----Original Message-----

From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]

Sent: 30 April 2008 11:24

To: God

Subject: FW: Alcohol and the Ten Commandments

This is the latest message from the Human thing known as Poppy, in which she mentions meeting two other Human Creatures who sound very much like Gabriel and Michael.

I am not in a good mood right now, you know why. Since all the other angels have been accounted for I can only assume that one of those two took it. Probably 'her'. That being said please pass this message on to Gabriel:

"You have 24 hours to give me back my trout. If you like the planet you're on right now, you will comply. You know how important that thing is to me, and I do not wish to imagine or know what you wanted it for.

With that in mind, I'll give you an additional 10 minutes so that you can clean it before handing it to me."

Love, light and trout,

Raphael

Signature - WHERE IS IT?!

To: God
Re: Alcohol and the Ten Commandments

Okay, I apologise in advance if this email seems a bit incoherent. Dad brought his girlfriend home last night just after you sent your email and I needed to get out of the house, and I ended up at the nightclub that me and Damien used to go to. That should have put me off in the first place, but it didn’t, and when I got there Damien was there with Michelle (I hadn't seen him in three weeks and now I've seen him twice in two days). I was gonna leave then but Damien wanted to argue with me, and I was in such a bad mood that I was happy to oblige.

Well, things happened and what you said about resisting temptation had got me thinking about things. If I’m tempted, it must mean I want it, Satan’s not trying to make me do it, Damien’s not going to Hell, punching him in the face isn’t exactly against the ten commandments but him cheating on me is. I didn’t have any motorised anal probes on me at the time. He was saying really horrible things to me, so I was just about to smack him in the face when these two absolutely gorgeous guys came up to me and offered to buy me a drink. It’s been a long time since I’ve looked at complete strangers that way, and since they had asked me, I let them.

Time got on and I wasn’t really paying attention, and in the end they got me so drunk I can hardly remember anything. I seem to remember one of them being called Mike or something like that and the other one said something about going to some penthouse suite they’d been to before, but that’s about it. I’m sure if I wasn’t still half drunk that that would make more sense to me but my mind just feels like very painful mush at the moment. I know it says in the Bible about not getting drunk and I completely forgive you for inventing hangovers because I was totally ignoring it last night, so I guess this is my punishment for it. I’m still not really sure how I got home. I just hope those two guys didn’t do anything.

I think you’re right about me having to tone down whatever I might do with Damien. I don’t want to end up in prison (although there isn’t really anyone left apart from you to worry about whether or not I’ve lost my sanity or not). Tell Gabriel thanks for the suggestion though. I can’t promise I won’t do anything some time in the future, but it just won’t be anything permanent. I’m just gonna see where temptation takes me and do my best to stick to the ten commandments.

I have to disagree with you on the fantasy bit though. Fantasy can be damaging to other people, if you let them out, anyway. I’ve read enough fantasies over the past week from a certain source. I just hope they ARE fantasies and she’s not being serious…

Oh goodness, that’s beginning to ring some bells. I hope I’m wrong. Can you do me a favour and check that Gabriel is actually in her room?

So, you didn’t really hand down the ten commandments then? (I’ve lived my life by them, so I’m not going to be able to drop them that easily, but I need to know). A week ago I might have been surprised by someone telling me this, but I don’t think there’s anything left that will surprise me any more. I’m sure you’ve got some story about what Moses was doing up Mount Sinai when he was supposed to be being given the ten commandments for the Jews, and I’m sure it’s going to be weird enough, but if I don’t ask it’ll make me curious later.

I think I’m going to have to go back to bed now though. My head is hurting so much I’m going to have to go and rest it off a bit.

-Poppy

To: Poppy
Re: Sex ed and stuff

Well, first up (and this is something you've mentioned before) I think we'd better say something about the commandments. As it stands people see it like God feels strongly enough to 'command' that people live by 10 particular rules. Yet, God is all powerful and all knowing. If I was to command that people do something, they would be incapable of doing otherwise. I know the Christians would have people believe that Satan tempts people to break my 'commands', but to say such is to say I have no power over my own creations. Not that Satan exists of course, except in your imagination.

So, another thing that might shock you, although not as bad as last time I said this. At least, not in a disgusting way. Might shake up some religious views, but I think that's been happening anyway.

There is NO such thing as God's 10 commandments. I have no reason or particular desire to 'command' anyone, and to do so would be to strip my creations of part of their free will. I created you that you might be free from restrictions, to do that, to experience that and understand that however, you must be bound by them. You do this by choice, and that choice can (like all others) be changed at any time.

Now, as to revenge against Damien, for a compassionate soul such as yourself, the worst that could happen is not that you could be thrown in prison. No doubt that would happen, but far worse for your own conscience would be the effect it would have on others. Despite what most people would like to believe about themselves, other people's opinions have a great impact on humans. I can't imagine you'd enjoy people thinking you'd lost your sanity while being stuck in a place in the company of others who actually had.

Now fantasy is a different matter, fantasy has zero effect on other people, therefore even for someone guided by 'human' ethics fantasy about any subject under or over the sun is perfectly acceptable. Of course, living in fantasy might well be bad for your mental health.

Having said that, Gabriel mentioned that for some unknown person who did choose to go down that route, that anal probes with large retractable metal spikes and an internal motor might be the way to go. Apparently she saw it in a movie once, wasn't sure of the name though...

A big point that you and a lot of other people make is about 'resisting temptation'. The question I'd put to you is why you'd want to? After all, if you're tempted, you must desire whatever it is you're tempted about! Thanks to your own comments and Gabriel's, one of the things you and a vast amount of other humans have been hung up on is the right time to 'do it'.

Well, sorry if this breaks anyone's special plan of that romantic first time (sadly most of the female populace in the developed world) but there is no right time for sex. Of course, nor is there any wrong time. Over the centuries, parents have taught their daughters that their virginity is something very special, which has to be lost in just the right way. Young men however, tend to have a very different viewpoint. For men, the loss of virginity is something essential! It is to be reached as soon as possible, almost like the ascension into manhood.

Both are damaging, especially in light of the fact that it creates an atmosphere where men desire and women resist. A perfect breeding ground for men to take advantage of women through manipulation, and in the worst of cases, by force. Naturally, most parents do not teach their children this out of spite. It is easy to believe they are doing good, for have they not heard on the TV's and in their papers about the crime, teenage pregnancies and STD's? Have they not been taught this by their own parents, and they by theirs? To top it off, doesn't it just sound very nice and romantic?

Given all that, it seems only right to teach people of the virtues of abstaining, but like humans usually do, this is taking a very much individualised view of things. They are not seeing the bigger problem, they are not seeing the damage they cause their children's minds.

Let's put it this way, if a young child, boy or girl, discovers as children do that touching a 'certain part' of themselves gives them pleasure, not having experienced it before they quite innocently continue to do so. Then one of the parents notices, and reacts with horror at the sight. This is quite natural, it's gotten a very poor reputation in the media, and what would the neighbours think!? The child however, knows nothing about that. All the child knows is that that feeling of pleasure is 'wrong', and something to be embarrassed about rather than enjoyed. That feeling nicely fits in with current religious teachings, and so people can kid themselves that teaching such things are ok.

It is not STD's, teenage pregnancy or cases of rape which have caused the sexual problems today. They are the RESULT of it.

This is not to say of course, that you should go out sleeping around without protection. For I am speaking here in terms of general human society rather than your good self. Not that it would be wrong, or land you in hell, but it might serve you to 'play safe', that is when you're over the feelings of shame and hesitation you feel. After all, we created sex that humans might enjoy the experience, and instead it's covered up, resisted and when it must happen, hidden behind ideas of 'for procreation only', and then only in a secure contract (did I say contract I meant marriage).

That incidentally, is why I see marriage as something that is "bad for you". It is a statement, backed up by the church and the government that defines conditional love. It is difficult to get out of once committed, and generally if one has to ask for such a "commitment", they ought to be "committed".

It is also worth mentioning, that ironically nuns are the epitome of the attitude that causes the horrors of sexual crime you see today. If any group could be said not to 'follow me', they'd be very high on the list.

Many thanks,

God

-----Original Message-----

From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]

Sent: 29 April 2008 20:47

To: God

Subject: FW: Marriage and Virginity

Here's the latest one, and I must point out that my lawyer has confirmed that I spoke with him about the 'holiday' before it was mentioned, and said specifically that it was only a joke.

Incidentally, has anyone seen my toothbrush? I left it around here somewhere...

This'll be my last message for a bit since I'll be meditating with Michael for a couple of days. Trying to do VERY important spiritual things here, and since I'll be in such a trance state most of the time, I won't be saying or doing anything to anyone. Also, we must not be gazed upon, so stay out of my room.

Raphael will be filling in for me while I'm gone.

Love, light and medical experiments,

Gabriel

Signature - There'll be time for explanations later. And hopefully, some sex!

To: God
Re: Marriage and Virginity

Now that you mention it, I suppose that it does make sense that’s why people say that when something bad happens (Of course, not that I’ve ever said that, with the third commandment being there).

So, you’re saying that if I did choose to go out there and do what I’d like with Damien, the worst that could happen is that they’d throw me in prison? I know that’s a bad thing, but knowing now that Damien’s not going to Hell, the temptation is getting harder to resist. I know you say we shouldn’t give in to temptation, but how willing are you to make an exception? But then, doing those kinds of things wouldn’t really represent the person I want to be.

So you’re more against marriage than divorce, huh? Now that I think about it, is that why nuns aren’t allowed to get married? Because they follow you so much they would never get married?

But then that doesn’t really make sense, since nuns have to stay celibate too, but now you say that sex before marriage isn’t such a bad thing after all. If I’m honest, I can’t really say that I haven’t been tempted before, but I’ve got to resist temptation. Still, I’m not in any rush to go out there and do it, even now you say it’s not that bad. Especially not with 'two very attractive and well-sized males'.

And on a related matter, I think I’m going to have to take a holiday very soon. I’m not really sure where, but I just know it’s got to be outside of a mile from where I live, if you get what I’m talking about.

-Poppy

To: Poppy
Re: Bibles, Cherries and Choices

Well, I did warn you in advance about the mental preparations. Of course they left it out, by the time they did their research properly they were committed to it, they had to or they'd have looked like fools (not that they didn't end up looking that way anyway). But there were scattered memories of the 'real Jesus' left over the generations, even in the Christians. Why else do people say "Jesus Christ!" when they see something that shocks the hell out of them?

You get over something that hurts not through time or a shoulder to cry on (though both these things can help), but by understanding and accepting it. If I took away the memory of it, what could you possibly learn from it? The past is gone, the future awaits. Make of it what you will.

Now, one thing you mention is if hell and Satan don't exist, what possibly motivates people not to take revenge on those who hurt you? In other words, if there's no punishment for 'evil' why not act on those feelings? Well, the answer to that is you could take your revenge. In heaven, there is not punishment for such.

Human society however, realising this have taken it upon themselves to organise laws to try to prevent this. The basic idea goes something like this:

"It is a person's free will to go out and commit murder. Just as it is societies free will to lock them up until they die."

Of course, that doesn't happen until after the event, so the final decision is yours, and always has been. What might be a helpful guideline to follow for this and any action you take is, "Does this action represent who I want to be?"

Over to you on that one.

Oh my soul, I'm not against divorce! If I made such judgements I'd be against marriage if anything! You people talk of a God who's "unconditionally" loving which you say is the example to live by, and then, when people fall in love you make a ceremony where you set up the exact terms and conditions of your love! It's all very nicely dressed up with the big white dress and the cake, and everyone knows the honeymoon is great fun but goodness, did it never occur to anyone that if people love each other and want to spend their lives together such a thing would never be necessary?

Maybe they call it "falling" in love for a reason hmmm?

As to the fact that you're so glad Damien wasn't your "first" (not to put too fine a point on the fact you're a virgin), I will say that teaching girls at a young age that they must be pure and chaste for their one true love has done more psychological damage than any other teaching, even those of Jesus. We both know that's saying a lot.

Try not to worry about your Mum and anyone else who's 'died', they may not be happy, but they WILL be. Heaven's a great target to have in life because in the end, you can't miss it. Unless of course, you're Japanese.

-----Original Message-----

From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]

Sent: 29 April 2008 11:59

To: God

Subject: FW: The Bible

Oh wow you're going to love this one, there's a great bit when she talks about marriage and divorce. And get this, she's a virgin! Yummy!

In an unrelated matter, I'd like to book my next holiday with Michael for:

Time - Whenever this conversation is over.

Place - Within a mile of wherever this girl lives.

Forms - Two very attractive and 'well sized' human males..

Love, light and medical experiments,

Gabriel

Signature - There'll be time for explanations later. And hopefully, some sex!

To: God
Re: The Bible

Okay, there were an awful lot of things in that last email that I would have been happier not knowing, and a few unpleasant images that I’m doing my best to push out of my mind before they leave me scarred for life.

I suppose I should have known that the Bible couldn’t be completely true (Jesus walking on water?) but it kinda hurts my feelings being told that by someone I know can’t be lying. I’ve lived my life by the Bible, and now you’re telling me it’s all lies, and even the bits that are based on the truth don’t really have it right either. From what you tell me, it seems more like Damien’s been doing what Jesus would have done, rather than me. I’m really trying hard to ignore what you told me about Jesus’ teenage years. I had always wondered, but I can’t say I blame them now for leaving that part out.

From what you say though, it seems like I’m only feeling hurt because I’m choosing to be, but you make it sound so easy to just get over it! How can I get over it when it never stops hurting? Isn’t there something you can do to just make me forget about everything and start again?

Oh, by the way, I saw Damien in town yesterday. He wanted to talk to me but I’m just not interested at all. I know he’s just going to try to come up with some excuse to explain everything he’s done and tell me we should get back together, but I’m not having it. I know you say Damien’s giving me a reason to forgive, but can’t see myself forgiving him for a very long time. If it wasn’t for the ‘thou shalt not kill’ thing, I might find myself taking a leaf out of Eve’s book. What would Hitler do, right?

Actually, after what you said about Lucifer not existing, it makes it even harder for me to stop myself from trying to get my revenge on Damien. After we split up, I consoled myself with the fact that he’d get punished for it after he died, but now he’s not? Neither Hell or Lucifer exist. What reason have I got not to go out right now with whatever sharp object comes to me first and hurting him physically as much as he’s hurt me mentally?

I guess he’s being punished enough as it is at the moment though. Turns out that his pregnant girlfriend (I know now she’s called Michelle) isn’t going to have an abortion like she said she was going to, so now Damien’s got no choice but to be a father. Can’t say I feel sorry for him. I’m just so glad that I didn’t give in to him back along. He was always trying to nag me to have sex with him, but I stood my ground and said no sex before marriage, doing what the Bible said and trying to drop a hint at him at the same time. I don’t know if he noticed it or not. Glad he didn’t though. If he had proposed and we got married and then I found out about Michelle and his other girlfriend (I still don’t know her name. I don’t even know if Michelle knows about her), I don’t know what I would have done, since you’re so against divorce. If he had got me pregnant, it would have been even worse.

I can't really say I'm pleased with what you say my mum's up to, but as long as she's happy...

Anyway, I had better be going now. Dad’s bringing this week’s girlfriend home soon and I just really don’t want to be here when he gets home.

-Poppy

To: Poppy
Re: Beginnings and Endings

Hello again Poppy,

Well, so what if you are having 'an episode'? Don't you see that I could work through this or your imagination as easily as any other method? Good for you on your choice to keep going anyway, live in the moment, forget what people will think and everything will turn out alright.

The bible was based on true events. However, like any myth, it has been changed and corrupted over the centuries. Especially so in light of the fact that for the longest time, the priests were often the only ones who could read it. Another factor was that at the time, the people who wrote it didn't quite understand most of what they'd seen. Of course, most of the common folk weren't able to tell, and as the generations passed, it became something far removed from what it was. It became a means of controlling the general populace through fear, rather than a means of gently inspiring people to become the best they could be.

Since you mentioned 'Adam and Eve', I'd like to give you a better version. This is of course, just a story, but it might help illustrate why what people consider to be 'evil' exists.

[Adam, not yet called such, was with me and all the other souls in heaven. He was only one of an infinite number of souls, and was no more or less perfect than any of the others.

But he was not exactly like the others. There was one difference, he had a desire. He wanted to experience forgiveness. This was something entirely new, since nothing had yet been done that required forgiveness. Adam came to me, and asked how it might be done. We had been discussing it for some time, and attracted the attention of another soul, who would in human mythology become known as Eve.

Eve had the solution; they would go to the physical world, which happened to have beings evolved to the point where they could experience forgiveness if only souls inhabited them. They would begin with no memory, and they would fall in love. At some point, Eve promised, she would betray Adam, and it would result in both their deaths.

Adam asked how she would do this, and Eve glowed a little brighter in that special way souls smile and said it would be a big surprise (at that point Adam had a look about his soul that said he was regretting asking about this little project, but after much deliberation he decided to go anyway).

Well, eventually Eve did as she promised, and murdered Adam by forcing several large apples down his throat. Right afterwards, overwhelmed with guilt and not quite knowing why she'd done it she committed suicide herself.

They reunited here, and here the first act of forgiveness took place. Seeing this the souls were electrified, and demands for more physical experiences started pouring in. Fortunately, human beings and later dolphins (amongst others) were multiplying at an exponential rate, enough for everyone, even though the ones you know as the Japanese never got the right makeup to accept a soul.]

I know it's been hard for you, and many others. But when you die, you will have a choice of being reincarnated or returning home. Everyone will. Thus, when someone dies, it is a matter for celebration, not sadness. They are following the great plan, they are happy. Things are not right or wrong, things are just things. Whether it is right or wrong, happy or sad is entirely up to the individual.

Case in point, your Father gets a new girlfriend 'every other week'. Most people would look on that and say, it's wrong, the guy obviously has no respect for the memory of his dead wife, he's cheating on all those girls, what about STD's ECT...

In actual fact he's doing a lot of souls a favour, giving them reason to forgive. Just as Damien has done for you. Besides which, they're enjoying themselves, and people are only hurt if they so choose to be.

Now we're on to the part I was a bit hesitant about telling you... You asked about Jesus, well Poppy (and anyone else reading this) I don't want to corrupt your young mind, so please prepare yourself for this bit. It's going to come as a bit of a shock.

As with most teenagers, Jesus got into a fair amount of trouble. Most of the charges were never proved, except some of the drug related ones. Made him delusional in the end I'm sorry to say. Started trying to 'correct' the scripture, couldn't tell fact from fiction and he was eventually executed for blasphemy. Not to say the scripture was correct by any means, but they saw things very differently in those days.

Anyway, one of the particular things he was rumoured to have gotten himself into was bestiality with certain non human primates. While again, this was never proved it did actually take place. All of this bad publicity occurred from when he was in his teens to his late twenties, so when they wrote the bible they decided people would believe in it more if such information was omitted.

You ask yourself what Jesus would do... My dear, you might be better off asking what Hitler would do! At least you'd get a response not based on their perverted sexual desires! This guy that millions of people around the world look up to was the man who your science will one day realise was almost the direct cause of the virus you now know as HIV. His rather disturbing attraction to animals created the highly adaptive virus, eventually becoming a deadly human STD during the 20th century.

Lucifer and hell... This whole concept still amuses us today. Must humans be threatened with eternal punishment to do good things? There is no hell, just because humans are a judgemental fearful lot doesn't mean God is too. There is no Lucifer; humans invented such an idea to put fear into those they want to control. I could flick my cosmic fingers and 'dispose' of any soul I saw fit, not that I ever do or will. Even if I did, eternal punishment for sins that cannot be committed for eternity would be rather unfair.

Your mum is quite fine, she's leading a secret project to create a supernova to wipe out a race that her race is at war with right now, but when she gets back here I'll tell her you said hi. Before your jaw drops in horror at that, don't forget all those people who are going to die when she launches the weapon will be profoundly thanking her for the experience of utter horror when she gets back here, and she'll be thanking them for the excessive guilt that she'll feel at the time. To souls, to us, such things are just different experiences.

-----Original Message-----

From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]

Sent: 28 April 2008 22:30

To: God

Subject: FW: Your response

Hey she wrote back! Told ya she would. Where's Michael anyway? We had a little bet on this, and he now owes me a Subways sandwich, a bottle of Champagne and a night performing sexual favours for me in a penthouse suite. Can't seem to find him though...

Love, light and medical experiments,

Gabriel

Signature - There'll be time for explanations later. And hopefully, some sex!

To: God
Re: Your response

Damn it, please tell me I’m not in the middle of some psychotic episode. I thought I was losing it before, but now I know I’ve completely snapped. Not only am I writing emails to God, I’m getting replies and writing back. I just don’t care any more. I’m going to humour myself.

Well, I guess I asked for a sign, didn’t I? I’ve just got to say thank you SO much for taking the time to get back to me. It was so much more than I expected. I’d completely lost faith in you, but now in light of this, I can’t really deny that you’re there.

When you describe yourself the way you do, you make yourself sound so bad. I know you’re not. Well, I do now. You’ve really helped me to put things into perspective again. When I think about all of the things that people have been through in the Bible, I guess I haven’t got it so bad after all. I mean, my mum’s dead, my boyfriend’s been cheating on me for two years, but I’m still here, getting on with life. Adam and Eve had it pretty bad after they ate the fruit (I suppose they deserved it if you told them not to), and there were a lot of other people in the Bible who were much worse off than I am.

I’ve just been annoyed for so long that everything seems to go wrong for me. It was years before I was able to get over my mum’s death (it wasn’t really until Damien came along that I was able to stop thinking about it every day). It’s been so tough. There were so many times that I wished it was me who got hit by that car. I know nobody wants to die, but at least when my mum died, she had had a happy life. It was everyone else left behind that really suffered for it. I know you say this suffering has a purpose, but I just find it so difficult. I look at other people around me and it just seems like they’ve got it so much easier than I have.

I’m just so glad that I’ve found someone I can really talk about this with. I’ve tried talking to Dad about it loads of times, but he always avoids the subject when I try talking about Mum. It seems like every other week he has a new girlfriend, and it really hurts my feelings. I learnt to ignore when Damien was around, but now he’s gone it’s getting really difficult.

After Damien left me, my life wasn’t worth living any more. It still isn’t really, but I know that I should keep myself going for you. My mum always used to tell me when I was in trouble to ask myself what would Jesus do? I know he wouldn’t kill himself. Now that you mention it though, that’s a really hard judgement to make, seeing as we don’t know what Jesus got up to while he was a teenager. What did he get up to anyway?

Now that Damien’s gone though, I can kinda appreciate what makes you want to do some of the things you’ve done. After Damien cheated on me like that, I wanted to take out my anger on someone, preferably him. If it was in my power, I’d probably do some of the things you’ve done, but I guess two wrongs don’t make a right, and there’s nothing I can really do without breaking at least one of the ten commandments.

Losing someone really hurts. Back at the beginning, when Satan was still Lucifer, wasn’t he like your best friend? Didn’t it hurt when he turned against you? Do the other angels miss him? Do you miss him?

Anyway, how’s my mum doing up there? Is she alright? It feels so strange for me to talk about her like this. I hope she’s enjoying herself. Tell her I said hi.

-Poppy

To: Poppy
Re: Help me lord

Dear Generic Human Creature (Intelligence level 211): Female, Teenager, Non-Gestating.

Well, first off thanks for writing. Especially so in light of the use of decent grammar and punctuation. Not like most people do in an email (or even in spoken language) it must be said. Mainly since you did such a great job of it, and somewhat because it was obviously from the heart, I have decided to reply personally. Not many humans get this kind of response, and I'm sure when you read this you'll be properly humbled.

How's this for a sign huh? We've decided to do the 'direct' route this time, the old dreams and strange people giving you advice that makes you think later just isn't doing so well lately. We try this once every couple thousand years or so, last time it didn't go down too well. Poor sod ended up thinking the world was flat and created in 7 days. When Gabriel did that she didn't realise he had no idea what fast forward meant, least that's what she says...

Anyway, the first real point you brought up was how you were told lots of stories at Sunday school as a child about all the good God's done for the world. I must admit, I'm not quite sure which stories you're referring to. There seem to be a lot of things about God and all of creation that humans have got wrong.

The first one (obviously) is the creation of the Heavens and the Earth. In this story, I make a lovely planet full of lovely things. However, I create the inherently imperfect beings Adam and Eve (imperfect because they were susceptible to temptation), waits until they consume the one fruit I tell them not to and punish them both, and every single generation afterwards for no apparent reason. Furthermore, when I created Adam I used clay from the ground, whereas to create Eve, for some unknown reason, required me to sedate Adam and remove one of his ribs. Add to that the fact that because there were only two humans at the start, I forced inbreeding on your entire species (then later, expressly forbid it).

Or, perhaps you mean the heart touching story of Noah and his ark. In this story, I saw that the world was full of sin, with the exception of Noah and his immediate family. So I thought about it and decided that the best way to avoid sin was to commit mass genocide and drown everyone else. Of course, that would wipe out the animals too, so I bade Noah build a massive ark to contain two of each species, that they would go on to repopulate them. Of course, all of the other animals were completely expendable. I forced mass inbreeding (again) with Noah's family, only this time every single species of animal would have to inbreed too. Now obviously, instead of just making the water appear all at once and making Noah's ark levitate high enough to be on top of it, it had to rain for 40 days and 40 nights, so all the sinners could run around trying to get away from the water before finally drowning. After this, I figure maybe that was too harsh or something, and change the laws of physics a bit to allow for the creation of rainbows. That's a sign you see, a sign that I will not do it again. One might ask why I did it in the first place, for would it not be a simple matter for God to simply erase such sinners from existence, without the horror of drowning them all?

Noah's inbreed descendants then go on to accomplish great things. At this time, all humans spoke the same language, and were all working together. They decided they would build a tower that would reach into heaven itself! Such a high aim, and yet, I thought they just might do it. Nay said I, I will change their languages so they will get confused and pissed off and quit working on the tower. This I did and it worked perfectly. So what lesson might we learn from that? That humans are to work against each other and not together? Sounds a bit strange does it not? Now look at the way humans act in your world, and you will find they've learned that 'lesson' all right.

One of our favourites is the story of Jonah and the Whale, where I ask of Jonah to go to the city of Ninevah, and let the sinners there (don't seem to be able to get rid of them huh?) know that I know they're sinners. Jonah uses his free will to flee via a boat, and I take away his free will via a storm and then a whale that I send to swallow him and forcibly deliver him to Ninevah.

Naturally, these are but 4 examples of many many stories. All of them however, describe a God who is... Well, in human terms he'd be a war criminal at the very least. Now Jesus on the other hand is a much less violent expresser of God's will. In these stories, you'll notice a pattern. God is generally some kind of mass murdering maniac, while God's followers are generally quite nice people (nothing however, is said of Jesus' teenage years). So according to the lovely New Testament, I decided that humans deserved a chance at redemption for my initial mistake after all, but obviously, being the God I am, someone had to die. This time though, only one person had to die, but he was going to go pretty horribly. I mean what are we saying here? That I sent my son to die horribly and that somehow makes my previous piss up's right?!

You probably get the idea by now. Humans, especially those who follow an organised religion describe a God who does the most appalling things! This they call God's plan. It is the plan of someone who is emotionally needy, unstable and generally a vicious spiteful git. But then, looking at your planet, I can see why your kind might portray me in such a way. As you've said, you're realising what I've NOT done for the world. After all, evil still exists, people still rape and murder each other, destroy the environment and generally try to push themselves above everyone else, regardless of the people getting trodden on.

Where is it you think this 'evil' comes from? Think you that I create it? Or that I, in my omniscience created Satan to do it, that I might then be able to say, wasn't me? We created humans to have free will; the evil in the world comes from human beings. It is because, human beings choose to commit evil. The man who ran over your mother because he was drunk, the boyfriend who cheated on you, all of the people who have in some way or another affected you in a negative way did so because either they choose consciously to do it, or because they made poor decisions and it was the natural result. Of all the species on your world, humans are the ones who have the most effect on it. If the world is a 'horrible place' it is because your species have made it that way, not I. Nor did I target you specifically, and 'take' you mother and Damien from you. Besides, you'll get to see her again, and one day, Damien will learn his lesson.

Why did I make people like [person you don't like here]? Well, I didn't exactly. What I created were basically blank slates with the ability to reason and learn. You yourself used to be one of these a long time ago. As to your beliefs, humans have nothing but the most base of genetic imperatives when they are born. There's a reason for that, we wanted you to grow and learn and create your own destiny. Do you think I created you that you might fall to your knees and pray to me? I mean it was funny the first few times but seriously, I get enough of that up here.

You've had a lot of 'negative' experiences in your life, but they've all been for a grand purpose. Evil must exist for good to have something to relate to, just as with hot to cold, thin to fat, love and fear. How can a soul know itself to be forgiving if they've never been done any wrong? You're learning, you're getting better and stronger. Don't force yourself to repeat this life under karmic law 31 times by killing yourself. You think you've got it bad in this life? Try another 558 years with it.

Many Thanks,

God

-----Original Message-----

From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]

Sent: 23 April 2008 22:23

To: God

Subject: FW: Help me lord

We think this is probably the one to do the personal reply experiment on, has all the qualities we were looking for, just been dumped, depressed, distanced from parents ect... Lol, she's even put it on the internet thing, called a blog. Make it nice and easy to find, and get the message out a bit at the same time.

Love, light and medical experiments,

Gabriel

Signature - There'll be time for explanations later. And hopefully, some sex!

-----Original Message-----

From: Poppy [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]

Sent: 23 April 2008 21:47

To: Complaints Department

Subject: Help me lord

Dear God,

I’ve always believed in you [snipped]

To: God
Re: Help me lord

Dear God,

I’ve always believed in you, I really have, but recently it’s been getting really difficult for me. I always used to think that you were such a good person, but I’ve had to do a lot of growing up and now it’s getting more difficult by the day.

My mum used to love you. When I was a kid she would always make me go to Sunday school and was telling me all the stories of what you had done for the world. Now I’m eighteen and not a kid any more, I’ve begun to realise what you’re not doing for the world.

I guess you already know that my mum’s dead. She was hit by a guy in a car five times the drink drive limit when I was nine. I used to think that she was happy now because she’d gone to Heaven, but I can’t believe in Heaven any more. The guy who killed my mum never got convicted. There’s no justice in this life, why should there be any in the next?

Why is the world such a horrible place? Why is there so much evil in the world? If you really exist, why do you do nothing to stop it? You’re supposed to love humankind, right? Why don’t you do anything to make the world better for us? If you created the world and everyone, why did you create people like the guy who killed my mum?

I thought about this for years, and I’ll be honest that I stopped believing in you. It wasn’t until I was sixteen and met my boyfriend Damien that I started believing in you again. I didn’t think you could be that bad after all because you’d done something good for me. Me and Damien had two fantastic years together. I loved him more than anything. I knew he was the one. I thought he was. I thought we were gonna be together forever. Get married and have kids and all that. That was until I found out he had two other girlfriends, and even then it wasn’t until he got her pregnant that I even had any idea.

Why do you like torturing me so much? You took my mum for me, and now you’ve taken Damien as well. To make it even worse, my Dad’s found a new woman, and I can’t stand her. There can’t be any replacement for my mum, just like there won’t be any replacement for Damien.

I don’t have anything to live for any more. I have nothing to feel good about in my life. I feel so depressed. Even though it’s been three weeks since me and Damien split up, I haven’t felt happy once. I can only assume the rest of my life will be the same now, and if that’s gonna be the case, I don’t want to live that life. What’s the point of me living any more?

I’ve tried God, but I just can’t believe that a world with someone who’s supposed to be so loving and powerful can be so terrible. I don’t belong here. I don’t know if you exist any more, or even what I’m going to do with this email, but if I save it and you’re really out there, I know you’ll find it and let me know somehow that you’re there. I know this sounds so cheesy, but just give me a sign! Just somehow let me know that you’re there. If you can do this, then it might be worth me living. If you don’t though, then there’s no point in me staying here.

Help me, lord.

-Poppy