Re: Ferraris and Choices
Even if you had replied sooner, I don’t think I would have been able to write back sooner anyway. I’ve spent most of this week ill in bed and have only just got over it. I’m still not feeling 100%, but I think the worst of it is over now.
I have no idea how computers work. I know enough to do the things I need to like go on the internet and put songs on my iPod (not that I ever go anywhere to listen to it any more), but all the hardware stuff confuses me. I’ll just nod and pretend I know what you’re talking about.
Thinking about people who have died is a problem, for me, anyway. My mum dying has completely messed up my life.
While I’ve been ill this week, I’ve watched an unbelievable amount of videos and DVDs. Reading is too tiring when you’re ill and I’ve run out of books to read. Anyway, one of the films I watched was Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, because it always manages to cheer me up (in fact, it’s probably a testament to how good it is that with my life the way it is AND me being ill, it still doesn’t fail to make me laugh). Ferris, Sloane and Cameron steal Cameron’s dad’s prized Ferrari, go around doing different things, then bring the car back home. Cameron kicks the front of the Ferrari in, then makes a big speech about how he’s going to change, become the master of his own fate and take a stand against the events that unfold to determine the course of his life. It really is a fantastic speech. It’s really inspirational. It’s quite similar to what you’ve been telling me to do actually. The film ends happily after that, with Cameron going to change his life. Of course, it’s so easy to forget after that that there’s still a smashed up Ferrari sitting there and Cameron’s life won’t be worth living once his dad comes home and finds out what he’s done. It’s the same with me. I’ve told myself so many times that I’m going to put the past behind me and just get on with my life, but the past makes the present what it is, so how can I just ignore it? I can’t ignore my mum’s death any more than Cameron can ignore the smashed up Ferrari. It might be in the past, but it completely messes up the present and the foreseeable future too.
I still can’t see that lying is wrong all the time. Okay, a lot of the time it is, but not always. There are some things that some people just don’t need to know, especially when there’s nothing they can do about it. I think part of the problem with lying is that people don’t always work on that principle, the do it do benefit themselves to avoid bad things that might come out of the truth. I must admit I do it myself sometimes. There is a difference though between the white lies I might occasionally tell when the truth just isn’t worth it and the elaborate strings of lies Damien used to tell me (that I can’t believe I didn’t see through) to explain what he was doing when he was actually spending time with his other two girlfriends. I think some lies have consequences and others don’t, and I don’t really have any problem with the lies that don’t. There’s no harm done in telling my dad I’m going to the library, but on the other hand, the truth is that I don’t know where I’m going and I just need to get out of the house because I can’t stand to be around him.
I can see your point about philosophy being taught in schools, but even if it does become the case with technology advancing that far, it still won’t prepare people for the world the same way that English or Maths does. As much as I used to hate Maths in school, if it was a choice between a GCSE in maths or philosophy, I’d have to take maths because I can see the benefits of it more. I still think philosophy is a good idea though. I think the problem with a lot of people is that they don’t think properly about religious things like whether or not you exist. In America, everyone believes in you without really thinking about it. In England, it’s different. For my generation, I think Christianity was drummed into kids in primary school too much and reverse psychology kicks in and they all turn atheist. It’s different now though. These days everything in the UK has to be so PC they’re not allowed to talk about God in school now, so everyone ends up atheist anyway because kids just get the impression that God isn’t something they can openly talk about. People are never really encouraged to think or talk about it. I think philosophy is a good idea, but if you teach it in school then people will end up turning atheist as a reaction against that, rather than being atheist because they’ve thought it through and that’s the conclusion that they’ve come to. I have no problem with atheists like. What I have a problem with is atheists who haven’t thought through their opinion (because it’s not a proper belief if you don’t have some kind of evidence, even if it’s only personal) as an atheist, then have a go at me for being Christian when I have thought through what I believe in. I do think philosophy is a good idea, but if you force it onto people in school then they won’t really come to their own conclusions about things. Maybe school isn’t the best place for it.
If you love every soul unconditionally, surely it would be in everyone’s best interests, yours included, if you stopped not helping (I don’t think interfering is the right word for it) and did something? If you love everyone, you must want them to have the best life they can possibly have. I’m know you have infinitely more power than I do, you just choose not to use it. You created the universe, whereas it’s all I can do to get out of bed in the morning. It’s not hard to figure out which of those two people are more powerful.
I have enough trouble deciding what to wear most days without you telling me that my shoes can start a war. Actually, that’s a lie. I used to spend ages in the morning deciding what to war, but since me and Damien split, I don’t try so hard any more. I’m not going anywhere, nobody comes to visit me and I avoid Dad as much as possible, not that he would notice anyway, so what’s the point?
I don’t think Damien would ever give me an honest answer, but even if he did I don’t know what he would say. We never argued about anything, so him cheating on me wasn’t a reaction to anything bad like that. We hadn’t been apart for a long time (we never went more than a few hours without seeing each other), so its not like he did it because he missed being close to someone. I can’t think of anything I ever did to make him want someone else, and I like to think that if he had just stopped loving me he would have told me and we could have ended it peacefully. Even if he had told me he had fallen in love with someone else, I know feelings can be complicated, and I’m pretty sure I would have been understanding and mature enough to let him go if that’s what he really wanted. He had two girlfriends besides me, so it doesn’t even make sense that his body got the better of him and he just wanted sex. I told him I wouldn’t have sex with him before we were married, but if sex was all he really wanted, he could have just had a one night stand with anyone. He didn’t need two other girlfriends for that. I just can’t see any rational explanation for it, which is why it upsets me.
Like lying not always being wrong, I can’t believe that there are some things which can ever not be wrong under any circumstances, like murder. Even if people choose what they’re attached to, different people are attached to different things, and it can’t be right to make that decision for someone else. I’m not particularly attached to my life, but is still don’t want to be murdered. Anything that takes that choice away from anyone has to be wrong.
Anyway, even if there is nothing inherently wrong, it doesn’t change the fact that every society has rules of right and wrong, even if it differs from place to place. Here and now, the rule is that it’s wrong for guys to cheat on their girlfriends, but Damien deliberately chose to ignore that and do it anyway. Twice.
Even after everything that’s happened though, I still miss Damien. I just wish I could figure out whether it’s actually him I miss, or just having someone there for me.
I’m glad to hear Gabriel’s back. I hope she’s okay.