Sunday, September 28, 2008

To: God
Re: Pushing

Marriage is supposed to be a beautiful thing, whether it serves any purpose or not. I know, these days people are always rushing into it before they’re ready and with the wrong person, and that’s what turns it into what marriage commonly is today. Still, people don’t get into it like they used to. It was in the paper today, actually. For the first time in however long, there are officially more unmarried adults in the UK than there are married. I wish there was something I could do to make Damien see sense and not marry Michelle. It’s making him so miserable, I don’t know why he can’t see that he’d be so much better off without her. Even if it’s about the baby, he doesn’t have to marry her. He should end it, and if Michelle doesn’t want him near the baby after that, that’s her choice. I can’t see it being a big loss for Damien – I don’t think he’ll ever want to be a dad, let alone at 18.

Michelle’s pushing it even further now, and it’s still not enough for him to end it. Damien’s gone to college this year to do his level 3 NVQ so he can become a mechanic, but now, three weeks into term, Michelle wants him to drop out and get a job so they can get a house together. I’ve told Damien to say no, and at the moment it sounds like he has, but knowing Michelle, I’m sure it will only be a matter of time. I can’t stand seeing Damien like he is. How much more is it going to take before he breaks? It’s not like he needs Michelle, he’s still got Kirsty.

I’m sure it’s only going to be a matter of time before Damien explodes, I can only hope it happens before it’s too late. I know he tells me this stuff because he doesn’t have anyone else he can talk to. I wonder what he would do if I weren’t here. He doesn’t have the best family in the world. All his two older brothers do is laugh at how much he’s screwing up, and I don’t think that helps him. I wonder if part of him marrying Michelle is trying to prove them wrong. His parents have to be the least caring parents in the world too. At least my dad just ignores me. They’re really open about the fact that they don’t care. That’s why it wouldn’t surprise me if he did get a job and move in somewhere with Michelle. Having your own place makes you look a little bit successful, and he needs to get away from his family and prove them wrong at the same time. I’ve told him it’s his life, not theirs, or Michelle’s for that matter, but it didn’t work. He worries about other people’s opinions of him far too much. He wants to prove himself a success, he just can’t see how much better off he’d be going back to square one rather than trying to recover what he’s got. I know what a horrible place square one is, but Damien’s got the will to build up from there, if only he had the will to get back there.

We’re probably never going to know about my dad’s reaction, since I have no intention of telling him, and Gabriel’s arranging to get him out of the house the morning of the wedding. At a stretch, he might ask where I’ve been all that time I’ll be on my honeymoon, and if he does ask, I’ll answer honestly, but past precedence doesn’t support the theory that that will happen. If he does notice me gone, he won’t ask where I’ve been. I like to think he would be shocked, but how long would it really last? He’d be back to ignoring me five minutes later. That’s what I want now, anyway. I’ve gotten used to him not talking over the past nine years. If he didn’t bring girls home with him all the time, I’d have forgotten what his voice sounded like.

I asked Jack about his dad this week. Jack’s not too happy at the moment. His dad phoned and Emily told him that Jack’s getting married, and now he wants to come to the wedding. Jack wasn’t himself all day after that. I had to ask. It doesn’t feel right Jack feeling that way about someone. His theory of ‘the more the merrier’ apparently doesn’t apply to his dad. Jack’s adamant that he’s not coming, but his dad’s phone four times since. I realise I jumped to the wrong conclusion before. Jack never said his dad hadn’t phoned since he found out he had cancer. Jack blocked his number on his mobile, and he never answers the phone at home. He said he hadn’t spoken to him. Jack’s refusing to speak to him though. His dad’s desperate to talk to him. I managed to drag it out of him, about why his parents split up. His dad owns a chain of strip clubs, and he’d been having sex with pretty much every girl he employed. That’s why Jack feels nothing about spending his Dad’s money in huge quantities, because of where it’s coming from. It’s rather ironic, his dad has practically paid for our wedding, and Jack doesn’t even want him there.

Even without the religious part, I think I’d much rather be married in a church than a hotel. Churches are such beautiful buildings, and hotels are boring and mundane in comparison, even after you’ve decorated. You’re right though, it’s the person, not the place, that’s important. A church wedding would have been nice, but we didn’t have time to wait for one, and me and Jack both agree that we’d much rather get married outside of church than not get married at all.

Less than 2 weeks to go until the wedding now. I’m so excited! I don’t know where all the time is disappearing to though. It feels weird, like it was both yesterday and eternity ago that he got down on one knee on the top of that mountain. We’ve had so much to organise since then, and still got a fair bit to do. We’re getting there though. We’re about three quarters of the way through our list now, although there are a few things on there we can’t do until a day or two before. The bridal shop phoned yesterday and said my dress was ready, so Jack’s taking me there tomorrow (and waiting outside because he’s not allowed to see) to try it on again and pick up all the other stuff that had to be ordered in like my veil and hair ornaments and shoes and (I hate to say it in front of Gabriel, but I find it impossible to believe that she wasn’t watching me while I was being measured and fitted anyway) underwear to go under my dress. I want to bring my dress home so I can admire it. It’s absolutely gorgeous. I want to hang it on my wardrobe door and look at it all day. At least, I would if Jack was allowed to be there while I did so.

We’re going to pick up Jack’s suit tomorrow too, although he’s told me if he can’t see my dress, I’m not allowed to see his suit. I really want to see him in it, but I’m sure I’ll manage to last two weeks. It’s not like my dress. There are only so many variations a suit can have.

The honeymoon’s still driving me nuts. I’m still no closer to finding out where we’re going (or even how long we’re going for).

I might not be programmed to require another person, but the only time I’m really happy is when I’m with other people. Without other people, it’s normally not long before I start getting depressed about life and circumstances. I want to be happy but the world wants to pull me down, and 99% of the time the world wins. It’s like I’m not allowed to be happy for any extended period of time.

It looks like I’m different to the rest of the world. I’ve never known what it’s like to be trapped in a relationship. Totally the opposite, in fact. Every relationship I’ve had with anyone (not just boyfriends) gets torn to pieces right in front of me. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have someone there you don’t want, because I’ve never had an excess of people around me. The people I like and love never last long enough for that to happen.

It’s beyond me how the NHS and the government manage to get in the state they’re in. They were saying in the news a while ago that in the NHS they have more office staff than nurses, and part of the problem is that they have so much paperwork and medical staff aren’t allowed to make their own decisions without going through a million layers of management and bureaucracy. This country lives on bureaucracy and legislation. I think a lot of it stems from this atmosphere we’ve probably inherited from the US where everyone wants to sue over the smallest mishap. That’s where all this health and safety stuff come from because everyone has to go overboard on rules to prevent themselves from being sued. This society is living in fear from so many sources.

I think they should do away with expenses too, or at least most of it. Travel and things like that, fair enough, but you shouldn’t be able to claim a leather sofa on expenses. That’s probably why a lot of politicians have no idea about the real value of money, because they never have to spend any of their own. Remember what I said about living in the real world? I can’t remember who it was now, but one of them thought a basic pension was £30 a week. Ha! That’s £4.28 a day. I couldn’t even feed myself for that, let alone live on it. See, no idea about the real world. £30 a week, what a joke! I bet they spend more than that in an average hour.

Well, maybe Gordon Brown is more of a representative, but I’m embarrassed to have myself represented by him as a British citizen to the rest of the world. All of the stupid ideas he comes up with. He might not be able to force laws through, but he does come up with ideas for some right stinkers. All the stupid comments and points he makes too. He makes George Bush look like a genius sometimes. Ha, two of the greatest nations in the world, and look who’s leading us.

Again, this is where real democracy would come in useful. Set a date and have the whole country vote on it, rather than spending months on end debating, and usually reaching the wrong decisions too. The public might be a little misguided sometimes, but we’re not total idiots. At the end of the day, these laws affect us a lot more than they affect the politicians, so we should be the ones to decide on them.

Yeah, I think they should learn to be less sensitive too! It’s not nice to be offended, but it’s just a part of life. I used to have to put up with a lot of anti-Christian stuff when I was in school, but I just learnt to block it out and ignore it. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. That’s what Mum always used to say to me. I think a lot of parents say this to their kids, but most adults seem incapable of following it. I just want to turn around to some of these PC people and say ‘sticks and stones’. There’s no reason they couldn’t apply that same principle to pictures or carnival costumes or whatever. I want to see it go to court one day and someone play the human rights card. Freedom of speech. It works for terrorists.

Gabriel, that’s barbaric! I like to think this country is a bit more civilised than that. They did used to behead people in the UK, but there’s a reason they did away with it. The USA still has the death penalty, and it does nothing to stop people. The opposite, actually. I hear about a lot more serial killings and shootings and stuff from the USA than I ever do from the UK. Muslim countries have some truly horrific punishments for even small crimes, and people still do them. You should be able to see that. You said you left Mary because she would have been stoned to death if you two had been caught, but it obviously didn’t make either of you think twice. Would you have been happy for them to just dispose of Mary if you had been found out? Or better still, they could have used her for experiments. She was pregnant, would have been a great opportunity for them.

There was evidence to prove he killed Mum, just not enough, apparently. His wreck of a car wasn’t enough because in hitting the lamppost, he effectively destroyed the evidence that it was definitely his car that hit her.

Guilty until proven innocent wouldn’t be too much different. They’d have to have reasonable grounds to arrest them in the first place, and evidence doesn’t lie. If you didn’t do it, the evidence would prove that. I’m not saying that we should just send everyone straight to prison, but there are so many criminals getting off scot free from crimes everyone knows perfectly well they did, but technicalities get them off. If the police did their job properly and the laws were in the right places and weren’t full of loopholes, it wouldn’t matter either way. If you didn’t do a crime, the evidence can’t point 100% to you, and if it can’t point 100% to you, you can’t get punished for it, can you? They still send innocent people to jail on occasion anyway, while real criminals get away with it all the time. But hey, it’s still better than executing innocent people.

Most newspapers are made of recycled paper now anyway, but it’s not the same reading it on the internet. I like having breakfast with Jack in the morning and reading the newspaper together. Reading our horoscopes to each other wouldn’t be the same on a computer. I like to have it in front of me and flick through the pages. You can’t do that on a computer.

Ha! Wouldn’t you just love that? Is that a real suggestion, or do you just want to see me pleasuring myself? Well, if it hurts, it hurts. How ‘large’ are we talking anyway?

Damn, I can’t believe I just wrote that! You’re turning me into such a monster!

a) You might find it fun or kinky to have someone else watching, but I don’t. Stop it.

b) Yeah, I can’t wait to have sex with him. That doesn’t make me a pervert like you, nor does it mean I have to follow him into the shower like some rapist. The bed will do fine, thanks.

c) Stop talking about Jack like that! That might be normal for the type of guys you go for, but Jack’s not filthy like you. For starters, he’s Christian, but even if he wasn’t…

It is a bad thing me thinking about Jack like that, because you think it’s a good thing! I can’t help it though. It’s driving me insane. I don’t feel in control of myself. That feeling I get when he kisses me is horrible right now because I’m not allowed to act on it, and the worst part is knowing that Jack feels exactly the same way. The way he’s been kissing me recently is different to the way he always used to kiss me. It’s not just loving any more, it’s passionate. And to make my self-restraint even more undermined, it always starts with that smile. And when he stops, it’s the most horrible feeling in the world. My brain knows it’s going to stop, but that doesn’t stop my body from feeling like it’s practically begging. The way he kisses me then runs his lips up my chin and down my neck, and if I’m wearing the right clothes, across my shoulder too. My body screams for him to go on. I must be the most hormonal girl in the world right now. And for that moment after, my mind begins to wonder how much further he’d go before stopping if I dressed like you, or if he’d even be stopping at all if he weren’t Christian. My brain is telling my body to wait two weeks then it can do what it likes, but my body says that isn’t good enough, and my body is winning the argument there. And the stupid arguments my brain throws in my direction don’t help either. It’s been 13 days since we applied for our marriage license. Legally, we could get married on Tuesday because then it would have been 15 days. Why wait until the 11th of October when I could get married in 2 days’ time? Neither my brain or my body has an argument back for that. They both agree. I feel like I’m being tortured right now.

Sleeping with Jack is getting harder now too. I’m sure it’s not going to be too long before I start hearing a voice in my head shouting ‘Come on! You’re so close!’ It doesn’t help what he does to me when we’re lying there in the dark either. It’s not fair, when he stops he’s asleep within ten minutes, while I can lie there for the best part of an hour before I’m calm enough to even think about sleep. I’ve lost count of the amount of conversations I’ve had with him in the morning that go along the same lines every time: ‘What are you so tired for? We went to bed at half ten last night.’ ‘Yeah, but it must have been midnight before I got to sleep.’ You’d think that after that, the following night I’d be out like a light, but no. Every night’s the same, and I’d still rather have him kiss and touch me that way and lie there for an hour afterwards than have him not do it. I’ve got the rest of my life to sleep.

Well, I was talking about the night after, but you’re always welcome to the spare room in my house if you want to stay the night before too. With my dad, do you not think I’m used to hearing people having sex? I want someone to shoot me if I sound like he does while I’m doing it though.

I’ve got a really horrible image in my head now of you standing outside the room with a microphone waiting to measure how loud we are. I’d almost get Jack to gag me to take that satisfaction away from you, but I think you’d like that idea even more.

I’ve got someone from the salon in town coming to do my hair and makeup before the wedding. I think her name’s Nicole. I’m not too bad with makeup, but I never know what to do with my hair. It’s not really curly, but it’s not really straight either. It can’t make up its mind. I can’t remember the last time I wore my hair up.

My English teacher would be so proud, what an oxymoron! Don’t worry, we’ll make sure you can’t escape… that’s even more cause for concern.

I’m NOT going to be rushing back for the wedding, and neither is Jack. We’re going to be back in PLENTY of time. Okay, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll come, but I want to be home by eleven that night. I don’t want to turn up to my wedding the next day looking like…well, looking like you threw me a hen night the night before.

See, and now I’m even more worried about what you’ve got planned for my hen night, because you’ve turned down the chance to have sex to be there, and the only reason I can think of why you would turn down sex is that there’s more sex somewhere else i.e. my hen night. I just hope you know what you’re doing with Camael. I know I hate my dad, but I don’t want the reason he’s not there that morning to be that he killed himself the night before.

Wow, for a second there, I almost felt sorry for Raphael.

1) I have a whole list of ways it would affect me:

a. There are only 12 people, not including you and Michael, coming to the wedding, and of those, 5 are men. If you take 4 or 5 people with you, not only will you have taken every man at the wedding, you’ll have taken almost half the guests.

b. There’s not an unmarried man coming. I invited you, so it’ll be my fault if there are five divorces because of you the next day.

c. I did invite Michael too. It seems a bit unfair to him that you want to run off with every other guy but him at the first available opportunity. I still don’t understand how you two work together.

I’ll know you have a vibrator, and that’s more than enough. If you flash anyone, I WILL cause you pain.

2) Oh no, you’re up to something. You agreed to one inch below the collarbone far too quickly. I’ll let you have two inches above the knee with normal proportions with single D’s, and that’s my final offer. I will be measuring you too, just to make sure.

3) No flashing anyone, full stop. All day. This is not a request.
Some of us have to wear bras. Not everyone has magic boobs like you that hold themselves up and in of their own accord.

4) Yeah, I’m open to rational and reasonable compromises, but the problem is that you’re not. I’d be able to live with you being somewhat perverted, if I thought you were capable of it. I’ll never forget the first time I met Jack. You told him I wanted him to undress me with his teeth, then you just disappeared and left me with him! You were just lucky it was Jack and he knew you were joking. I dread to think what that could have turned into with practically any other guy who was there that night.

These rules aren’t optional, by the way.

I’m sure there’s a huge difference between the way I think things should go and the way you think they should. Just behave. I’m going to remember this day for the rest of my life. I want it to be for the right reasons.


Saturday, September 27, 2008

To: Poppy
Re: Traps

Marriage itself is one of those activities that has become a tradition, rather than serving a purpose in its own right. It doesn't really do anything that couldn't be done anyway, and with a much simpler method. Of course, it's far worse with a couple like Damien and Michelle, because if they get married he'll be legally tied to her, and it'll be much more difficult for him to get away from her then. That's not to say that it can't go well for you though, just depends on how you feel about it.

Well, your daughter hurting her arm and not saying anything isn't such a big thing as her getting married and not saying anything. One is a huge, life changing event, the other is not. Unless his mind is completely gone he'll be shocked at the upcoming event. If he's not, he might well need medical help. Regarding Jack's father though, you shouldn't leave these things unsaid. Far better to express them as soon as possible, otherwise they tend to interfere later. At least by knowing now, you can be prepared.

That's the right attitude to have, it's not the place but the person that's important. He'll get over not being married in a church, but he'd have a much harder time getting over not getting married. Still, you are not programmed to require another person. Nobody is. You have the choice over every part of your life, including your feelings. They do not have to control you, you can guide them. Humanity in general has not learnt this lesson, but eventually they must if they are to overcome their problems and advance as a species.

Without this, it is not difficult for one to become trapped in a relationship. External influences (such as television) might play a part in creating this belief, but ultimately humans are intelligent enough to overcome such conditioning. It is the fault of each person who gets stuck in these relationships, not the fault of society. People have to make their own choices, otherwise they get them made for them. Just as Damien is.

Regarding the NHS, there's no single problem that explains it. They are under budgeted, but they also waste a lot of their money. It's also a problem of tracking their money, and of course, overpaying certain types of staff. Government itself has these problems, and they filter through to all of society. Of course, people are more than aware of this, but in typical human fashion most do nothing about it.

Tony Blair did not earn £72 per hour as PM. Not as his salary anyway. Of course, with the expenses politicians are allowed to claim, most of his income would have been his own to spend. It would certainly help with their reputation if these expenses were eliminated, even if that means boosting their actual salary somewhat. It would at least make it more transparent than it is now. Regarding the amount of power of the PM, in truth, the PM is more a representative than a leader. They can't simply force whatever laws they want through, they have to be debated and voted on. It's gone the wrong way for the PM's of your country before, and no doubt will do again. Still, the endless debates also makes the party in power somewhat less effective, as good ideas can take years to become reality.

Political correctness is a huge problem in society, once you begin trying to act a certain way so as not to offend a person or group, you begin restricting yourself. It also condones other groups requesting more restrictions so as not to 'offend people'. Perhaps the offended party should simply become less sensitive?

-----Original Message-----
From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]
Sent: 21 September 2008 21:37
To: God
Subject: FW: Planning

Ok, well if it's punishment you're after, why not have them tortured or something? That would surely be more effective than simply locking them up. I really don't see why you'd want such people around at all, better to just dispose of them, or use them in experiments or something. That'd make them regret it! Course, I still think it'd be easier to just chop their heads off, maybe keep some of them around for experiments. You know, with cutting people's heads off, the brain can survive for a moment or two after the head is separated from the body. Spread that around and that might be a good deterrent.

Well, being obvious and proof are two different things. I think if it was guilty until proven innocent, you'd be sending more innocent people to jail.

Maybe there is a correlation. The Sun tends to be a less factual and more in your face newspaper. Course, the fact that you've got the internet now doesn't stop you from cutting down all those trees to make papers. Disgusting behaviour.

Well, you probably won't go behind his back, but you'll defiantly be having sex with him in the shower. You won't think so until it happens, but you'll just be too tempted to refuse your own horny desires. On a related matter, you might want to use some toys or something to uh... Stretch yourself before your honeymoon. Jack's rather 'large', and it might hurt otherwise!

a) It does not kill the mood with people watching, it enhances it if anything!

b) Yes you are. Even in your last post you're saying how much you can't wait to have sex with him.

c) You won't even think about that when it happens. You'll be too busy licking your lips. Then Jack will probably keep you too busy licking your lips, and I don't mean the ones on your face.

Pills a good plan. Nice to see you're already weak in the knees just because of a smile. Simply because of how excited you get when he looks at you I think if you try to use condoms you'll probably just forget! You certainly make yourself sound dirty when you think about Jack like that, but it's really not a bad thing!

Yeah I'm sure me and Michael will stay the night before, we'll try not to make too much noise... I'll bet you'll make lots when you first do it though! Maybe I could start a betting pool, whoever gets the closest in terms of decibels or something.

So who've you got coming round to do your makeup then? Just curious...

Don't worry, we'll go somewhere you've never been so you won't be able to just go home. We'll get you and Jack back in plenty of time for the wedding, or at least, if you hurry. If we show up about 8pm the night before the wedding? We'll bring some knockout gas or something for the inevitable show of fake resistance.

Ok, so do whatever it takes to stop your dad being home on the day. Sounds like a job for...

Someone else! Camael owes me a favour. I've got an idea about how to do it. I'd try Raphael but he's not even talking to people unless their first sentence directly involves his trout. He's really lost it, he just looks right through us now.

1. Oh come on! How's it going to affect you if I pull maybe 4 or 5 other people into that room! You can get these really quiet vibrators now too, so nobody will know unless they get flashed.

2. Ok ok... 1 inch below the collarbone it is. That can still look good if it's done the right way. But three below the knee is just wrong, I've never worn such restrictive clothes! I'll go for 2 inches above the knee (with normal proportions) if I can have a pair of double D's though.

3. Your normal dress is insanely covered though! I mean God's, you even wear a bra! I'll agree not to flash anyone during the actual ceremony though, assuming you agree to my version of rule two.

4. I'm sure you're open to rational and reasonable compromises... I have to be somewhat perverted at least, it's part of my identity.

Let me assure you, there's absolutely nothing to worry about! Everything's going to go exactly as it should.

Love, light and medical experiments,

Signature - There'll be time for explanations later. And hopefully, some sex!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

To: God
Re: Changes

I think marriage should be about unity too. I see so many people getting married for so many reasons other than love. People like Damien who’ll marry someone they don’t want to spend the rest of their lives with are the people who turn marriage into a sham. I’d say I’d give Damien and Michelle a year before they’re divorced, but if Damien doesn’t have the guts to stand up to her and say no to marrying her, he’s not going to have the guts to divorce her either, no matter how much he hates her (and he texts me almost every day telling me how much he does). I texted him back yesterday asking why he’s marrying her if he hates her that much, but didn’t really get a straight answer out of him. I think he’s terrified of Michelle. She’s got him under her thumb completely.

I don’t think my dad would care about me getting married as long as it didn’t affect him. He didn’t care when they held me back in primary school, he didn’t care when I disappeared for the best part of a week on two occasions with Jack, never said a word when I burnt my arm and had a bandage for three weeks. Not even a ‘hey, what did you do to your arm?’. The last time he got involved in my life was, let me think, must have been back in June when Michelle caught Damien at my house, and the only reason he got involved then was because the noise was bothering him! He’s had more than enough reasons and opportunities to talk to me over the years. I don’t see how this time is going to be any different. I don’t even know if I want him to talk to me any more.

I do want to talk to Jack about his dad, but it’s difficult. You can feel how tense he gets just at his mention, and we’re always so happy when we’re together that I don’t want to ruin that mood. I’m sure Jack will tell me when or if he wants me to know.

I wasn’t too worried about getting married in church, but Jack was. I’m so happy to be marrying Jack I’m not too bothered where the ceremony takes place, but I was a bit disappointed because Jack was, although we’ve found a really good place to hold it now that works out much better if you ignore the fact we can’t have a religious ceremony there.

I don’t have to miss that kind of relationship, but I will. You’ve seen how happy Jack makes me. How can I not miss it? The only times I’ve had these past few years where I’ve been genuinely happy are when I’ve had someone else. Perhaps other people manage to be single and happy, but not me. Perhaps I could be single and happy if I really tried, but alone and happy is much more difficult. I need other people, it’s part of who I am. It might be a bad thing, but I can’t help it. When you love someone that much, how can you not become attached?

I think if they spent half as much time worrying about what kids are watching on TV as they do worrying about them getting superficial injuries, everyone would be a lot better off. I’m sure the things I used to watch when I was a kid weren’t anywhere near as heavy as the things I see Emily watching. When I was nine, I barely knew what a relationship was, but everything Emily watches on the Disney channel has relationships all over the place, boyfriends and girlfriends splitting up and getting back together in the next episode. I’m sure programs like that don’t help the fact that people these days can’t hold down a relationship for more than five minutes, because I think love ends up being secondary to the fact that they’re in a relationship, because everyone should be (or so they say). Maybe that’s what Damien thinks like, and it’s better to have a girlfriend he hates than be single. I wish I knew what was going through his mind, because I can’t understand it.

You do have to wonder who’s really responsible for the NHS not being able to stick within their budget. Of course there are too many bureaucrats and not enough doctors and medical staff, but is it the fault of the NHS for not being able to keep within their budget, or the government for not giving them a big enough budget for them to work with? I hate to think how many hospitals could be built, equipped and staffed with the amount of taxpayers’ money they’ve spent on the Olympics. It doesn’t help that the bosses of the NHS and people in the government getting paid ridiculous amounts of money either.

If only making a political party was that easy. Politics is not an easy career track to get into, and if you don’t get a paid job in it you have to get paid to do something else to live, and that’s time you’re not spending on the campaign trail. I don’t know how true it was, but someone told me a while ago that Tony Blair was on £72 an hour. Yeah, being the Prime Minister is a tough job and I wouldn’t want to do it, but is it THAT tough? You know what I think would help politics in this country? There should be a law that says politicians can’t earn any more than minimum wage. That way, politicians would only put up with the pressure if they were truly passionate about the job – it should be caring that keeps them in the job, not the money. Not only that, but it might encourage them to make the minimum wage fairer, and they’d be more in touch with the real world because they’d be living in the real world. They couldn’t afford private healthcare, so they’d have to use the NHS, and then they’d realise what a mess it is and do something about it. They’d also have to fuel their own cars because there’d be no Downing Street, so they’d have to drive to work like everyone else, and then they’d know how ridiculously expensive it is to run a car. I’d do away with political parties too. They’re too rigid to represent what people really want. I’d have real people voting on issues (okay, still politicians, but they’re not pompous and self-absorbed now that they’re on minimum wage) so they don’t have to vote the way their parties think or out of loyalty to their leader, because there wouldn’t be one. I’d take away the power of the Prime Minister too, since I don’t think it’s a good idea to have one person with that much power. I’d still have a Prime Minister, but they’d be more of a representative than a leader. They’d also have just as much decision making power as everyone else in the government. I think normal people should have some power too. If someone has an idea for a law they think is necessary, or if someone thinks an existing law is wrong, there should be mechanisms in place for them to have their voices heard. And equally, if someone disagrees with them, they should be able to plead their cases too. I know not everyone in this country cares about politics, but it would give the people who do care chance to make their points.

Wow, I didn’t mean for that rant to turn out so long.

Political correctness drives me nuts. How does dressing up as Bin Laden in any way affect someone’s ability to do their job? If he came to work dressed like that, they might have had a point, but I think what people do in their own spare time is their own business. If they’re not paying you for it, then it’s nothing to do with them.

Okay, I’ll stop ranting now and talk about something nice. Oh! My wedding dress! We went to the shop yesterday and looked at all the dresses. The one I picked out was so amazing. Since we’re not having a church wedding, Jack wants to go all out on the dress and I was under strict instructions that my dress wasn’t allowed to cost any less than £700. I fell in love with the dress when I saw it, I was so sure it was going to make me look really plain in comparison when I put it on, but it’s perfect. I love everything about it. I really want to show Jack, and Jack really wants to see it too, but it’s tradition and it spoils the fun on the wedding day if he’s seen it before. Not that I could show him at the moment anyway, because the dress is in the shop being altered to fit me better (and Gabriel will be delighted to know, tighter), so that takes away the temptation for the moment. I can’t wait until the wedding when he’s going to be able to see it.

Gabriel, it’s not that we need to reform criminals like that, but punishment is a matter of principle. Yeah, death sucks, but it’s not much of a deterrent for some people. If someone wanted to do a certain crime badly enough, they’d do it then probably die happy in the knowledge that they’d done it, whereas by the end of X amount of years in prison, they’d really regret it. That’s why a lot of these high profile criminals try to kill themselves in prison, because the punishment is so bad they can’t stand it. Not only does it make that person regret it, it stops anyone else contemplating a similar crime because they’ve seen what will happen if they go through with it. I know some countries do have the death penalty, but there have been occasions in America where they’ve executed someone and then it later turned out someone else was responsible. I think if you’re crazy enough to go on a killing spree, death isn’t much of a threat.

There was proof, the court just couldn’t see it. The autopsy showed Mum had three broken ribs from a single impact, which nothing but a car could do, but the defence was totally anal about it. He had a massive dent in his bonnet, which he claimed was from him hitting a lamppost just down the road from where mum was killed, and THAT was where the dent was from. Yeah, fair enough, the police investigated that lamppost and it was obviously hit at high speed, but to anyone else, it makes sense that if he was that drunk he’d drive into a stationary lamppost that fast, it points even more to the fact he hit Mum. I have no faith in the justice system. They wouldn’t know the truth if it smacked them in the face. They never did argue that if he didn’t kill her who did? In Japan, they have guilty until proven innocent. If someone didn’t do a crime, then there should be enough evidence to prove it. They argued that someone who lived on that street could have hit her so the CCTV wouldn’t show them entering the street, but if that was the case they would have been able to investigate all the cars and see that none of them had the damage that would come from hitting someone.

I don’t think everyone who reads The Sun is doomed to have a crappy life, but I think there is a correlation. I think it’s more like people who have crappy lives read The Sun. Obviously there are exceptions, but I think people who care more about the world don’t want to read The Sun. They’re interested in more important things than Amy Winehouse getting off her face. They want to read news, not gossip.

Look, just leave Jack alone. He’s mine, not yours. He’s my fiancée, so I’m the only one who should be allowed to watch him in the shower, and I’m not a pervert, so I don’t want to. Even if I did want to, I wouldn’t have to go behind his back about it.

We’re not going to be having sex in the shower either. You probably think that kind of thing is normal behaviour, but unlike you, I won’t do it with anyone anywhere, or even with Jack anywhere. Anyway, you should know that:

a) You have no idea how much it kills the mood with people watching

b) I’m not so desperate to see his body that I’d go into the bathroom while I knew he was in the shower

c) Regardless of point b), if I ever did see Jack in the shower, point a) would ensure that I didn’t join him, much less have sex with him. I wouldn’t be able to take it seriously, because all I’d be thinking was how much you were enjoying it.

We both went to the doctors’ on Friday, and long story short, I’m going on the pill. It feels kind of wrong though. I think in my heart, I do want Jack to get me pregnant, even though my brain has a list of a million reasons why it’s a bad idea. There is an upside though. We talked about it quite a bit, and there are better ways of going about it if you’re only going to be doing it a few times, so I asked Jack if that meant we were going to be doing it a lot. Then he smiled that smile at me and said ‘If you’ll let me’. I don’t think he even knows what he’s doing when he does that smile. It does nothing for my self-restraint. He asked me if that was what I wanted, and it was difficult for me to get a coherent sentence out, but it was words to the effect of yes.

I know the wedding’s not that far away, and we’ve still got so much to do, but when I start thinking about Jack and that dirty smile of his, I want the wedding to be right now, no matter how unprepared we are. I can see from that smile there’s a whole side of Jack that I haven’t seen yet, and I’m not allowed to see until after the wedding. I do respect Jack for his religion, but it’s annoying me no end right now because I know we’re both ready to do it and his religion is getting in the way. I suppose the anticipation will make it even better when the time comes though. I certainly hope so, because I’m finding it hard to say no to myself, and I think Jack is too. When we go to bed at night and he kisses me and runs his fingers up the side of my body, I can feel the moment he tells himself no, not yet, and it drives me nuts because every night he goes a bit further before he stops himself, and I’m waiting for the night he doesn’t stop.

I really can’t wait until after the wedding. Every time he touches me now it makes my heart race. The feeling of his skin against mine is amazing, and his hands aren’t enough. I want all of him, and it’s killing me the thought that I’ve got to wait three weeks for it. Yeah, I know how desperate I’m making myself sound. I feel so dirty when I think about Jack like that.

We’re working our way through the wedding preparations now, although we’ve still got loads of things more to do. We’ve got a list now, and we’re about a quarter of the way through it. We’ve got a place to hold it now, and that’s all confirmed. It’s on the 11th of October at 1pm. It’s in the Rosemount Hotel, which is about five miles away from my house. It works out quite well actually, because we’ve got the room upstairs to hold the ceremony in, then we’ve got the function room downstairs to hold the reception in, and the gardens outside will be good for taking photos in. All of Jack’s family are coming quite a way too, so we’re all staying there for the night and booking out pretty much all the rooms, and it’s tradition that the bride and groom can’t go home before they go on their honeymoon, so me and Jack are staying the night there too then leaving in the morning. You can stay the night too if you want.

I can think of better ways of celebrating our love than having everyone watch us, especially not cheering. Do you have any idea how self-conscious you’re all making me?

I’m trying not to be insulted at the fact that you’ve just implied that I have no common sense.

I’ve already got someone coming to my house before the wedding to do my hair and makeup, not that I’d let you do my makeup anyway. I’d do it myself before I let you loose on my face. Knowing you, you’d try to give me electric pink lipstick and glitter eyeshadow. I don’t want to turn up to my wedding looking like I’m going to marry a rockstar.

I need you to arrange me a hen night like I need a bullet to my brain! Damn right I wouldn’t agree to come by you asking me! And no matter what you do to try to get me there, even if it’s against my will, I’m going straight home. Anyone else, I’d appreciate the effort, but I shudder at the thought of what you think constitutes a good hen night. I can see I’m going to have to lock myself in my room the night before my wedding. Perhaps I’ll have to hire a bodyguard that night. A gay, castrated, blind bodyguard who you can’t work your influence on. I’ll have to get one for Jack too. I’d lie and say his family already have something planned for him if I thought it would stop you. I feel like I’m sticking him in it by saying they’ve got nothing planned for him (as far as I know), but I know there’s no stopping you and you’ll go ahead regardless. You’re making me nervous now. I’ll have to hope and trust that Michael can keep you under control because I can’t be there to smack you over the head when you go too far (which I know you will). I hate to say it, but the more time you spend trying to corrupt me, the less time you’ll have to try and corrupt Jack.

You’re not going to have much time to worry about me and Jack anyway, because I have a job for you. I want you to do whatever it takes to make sure Dad’s not home the morning before the wedding. I don’t think he’d care if I was getting married, but nonetheless, I don’t him home when I’m getting ready for the happiest day of my life. He’s not always home on a Saturday morning anyway, but I’m not leaving it to chance. Whoever he’s screwing, you have to make sure he doesn’t bring her home Friday night. If that means having sex with him yourself, then go ahead. I never know if he has a girlfriend or not, and his relationships are always so short him having one now doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll still be with her when the wedding comes. I’m hoping that’ll keep you busy long enough that you won’t have time for me or Jack.

See, this is why I knew I was going to regret inviting you to come to my wedding.

1. Okay, I’ll compromise with you on this one. If you behave during the ceremony (and I mean BEHAVE – no sex toys or anything), I’ll let you have sex with Michael (but nobody else, mind you), but you’ll have to go into one of the rooms. You can have the key and use that room as much as you like, but if I catch you having sex anywhere else or with anyone else, I’ll do whatever it takes to make your life hell.

2. I don’t know what kind of weddings you’ve been to before, but no, no pole dancers. You’ve shot yourself in the foot with this rule because I would have been happy before, but now you’re searching for ways around it I’m going to have to change it. Now whatever you wear has to be no more than one inch below your collarbone and no less than three inches BELOW your knee. For the moment I’ll let you wear your own clothes, but if you start taking advantage, you’ll be wearing my clothes and they’ll be trousers. Also, I probably should have thought of it before, but you’re not allowed to make your boobs any bigger than a C cup. Again, you’ve shot yourself in the foot here because I would have left it up to you before.

3. I’m not asking you to dress like a Muslim, I’m just asking you to dress normal (my normal, not yours). I’ve already covered this in rule one, but I think you should know that there’s not going to be anyone over the age of 13 who isn’t married. If you flash anyone, I swear I’ll kill you.

4. My wedding, my rules. If you can’t stick by those rules, then don’t come! You can do what you like at your own wedding, but at mine, you’re going to behave yourself.

That can’t be a good thing, you not being able to wait for it either. I know what kind of things you look forward to.


Friday, September 19, 2008

To: Poppy
Re: Sense

Well, it does make sense for you and Jack to be married. You're obviously very much in love and therefore marriage becomes a statement of unity, rather than the sham it usually becomes. That's how it should be, if such a thing was necessary at all. With regards to your Dad, it might be interesting when he does discover it. After all, who wants to think their relationship with their child has deteriorated to the point where they don't tell you they're getting married? It might even inspire him to talk to you.

You should definitely talk to Jack about his Father, after all, when you're married you're supposed to share everything, including troubled memories. Sensitive subjects are usually the ones that help you see exactly who people are, and sharing such things with those you love and trust is always a good thing, if the relationship is genuine. It's probably better getting married the way you are, in a church it would be somewhat of a lie now, at least where the religious aspect is concerned. Well, you know you're going abroad but it could be anywhere so Jack can still keep it mostly secret.

You might not miss having that kind of relationship as a kid, but even knowing it can happen, you don't have to miss it now. It is quite possible to be single and happy at the same time, and there's no reason to get involved in a relationship just for the sake of it. A rule of thumb might be that if you can't imagine life without someone, you're probably too attached. Be very careful where you feelings take you, because needing someone as opposed to loving them makes for a very unhealthy relationship.

There is no reason to tell Damien anything if you don't want to, you certainly don't owe him anything even if he is to be pitied. Still, like you say, it might make him back off a little if he knows you're getting married.

Health and Safety in your country has become something of a Joke. Kids are resilient, and they can live with a hit from a conker. No need to restrict them on such trivial things. The irony is of course that they try to protect them physically and go completely overboard. Emotionally it's a different story, children watch television that deals with issues far beyond their understanding, and they are generally consistently lied to by their parents. There's always justification for such things, but it becomes the way children see the world, and minimalises your chances of the next generation changing the world for the better, and therefore your races chances of a future at all.

Well, the NHS don't make money, it's funded by taxes but they are supposed to stay within their budget. The fact that they obviously can't shows that not only is the system being mismanaged, but that there is a greater economic problem for the entire country.

The government drive virtually everyone nuts for one reason or another, but very few people are willing to actually create a political party so they can stand up and be counted. Of those that do, they tend to be very focused on specific issues, rather than having a plan to change everything for the better. It's a shame, because things haven't yet reached the point where you couldn't recover. Even the damage to the environment could be undone with time.

Of course, political correctness is another thing than annoys people, so dressing up as a terrorist is an offence you can be fired for. Such holding back of expressive feelings does nothing good for anyone, and like you say, people would do well to lighten up. Might even lighten up to the point where they could negotiate peace with such terrorists. They're people too, desperate people but people all the same. No reason why they wouldn't listen to reason. People make peace, not war.

-----Original Message-----
From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]
Sent: 14 September 2008 20:47
To: God
Subject: FW: Planning

Why do you need to reform criminals exactly? Or punish them for that matter? If someone's proved guilty of a high level crime why not just chop their heads off? It's not like you 'need' them as part of society, you've got more than enough people about!

Still, you have to think from the Police's point of view that being impartial, there's really no proof. With no witnesses or anything you can't punish people like that. If it was guilty until proven innocent you'd have a world of trouble. Course, you do anyway, but it'd be even worse.

Ha, I like the way you think that anyone who reads The Sun is doomed to have a crappy life! I also like the way these 'intelligent' newspapers talk about how much the rainforests are being decimated. Humans are a stupid race most of the time. Ever thought of just getting your news on the net?

People 'are' sex objects! They're other things too, but sex is a huge part of instinct. Of course, it has to be otherwise you'd never reproduce. Now, don't knock it until you've tried it. You'll see Jack in the shower yourself one day, and you'll know that:

a) I'm watching and

b) You'll be too tempted by the sight that you'll have to join him anyway and

c) Again regardless of point a), you'll have to have sex with him, in the shower, because of point b)

When it happens, just remember I told you so!

Romantic! I like that. You tell me that, then say in the next paragraph that you 'wanted to rip his clothes off there and then'! Not that I'm complaining, you're taking your first steps after all. The lustful feelings are growing inside you, and soon you'll find out how great it all is.

Still, play safe. Have yourselves tested and get some birth control. Human life is so fragile, and it'd be a great shame if you got some horrible disease out of it. Hey! I'm responsible... Well ok, maybe I wasn't before, but I'm not making any new babies! That's Michael's influence that is.

Oh come on, your love is something to be celebrated. Celebrated with thousands upon thousands of angels watching and cheering!

It's not so much Christians that lack common sense, but all humans. Especially the Jehovah’s Witnesses, although they're just insane. I did used to enjoy seducing them though, ah memories...

Perhaps I should arrive a little before the wedding day to uh, help with your makeup? Also you'll need a hen night, I'll have to arrange to have you abducted since I know you won't agree to come by just asking. Do Jack's family/friends have anything planned for him? I'm sure we could do something nice for him too if they don't (or even if they do and it's crap).

Ok your rules...

1. A WHOLE DAY?! You mean a single full rotation of your planet?! That's just silly. I could maybe manage to refrain from it during the actual ceremony, I guess I can bring a vibrator or something.

2. You mean to tell me there's going to be no pole dancers at your wedding? Couldn't you book them in time or something? That's a shame. I guess I could accommodate you with three inches above the knee, I'll just have to be a girl with small thighs or something. Five inches below the collarbone could probably be done too, although I'll have to watch my proportions. Maybe if my boobs are high enough and big enough that could work.

3. Ok look, I'm not showing up dressed like some kind of Muslim fascist here. If people look at me weird, I'll do what I always do and just flash them. Or I could use my seductive smile, and they'll melt like ice to water. Then boil like water to steam. By that time I'll be on them, and, well, ever see a supernova? It'll be quite a lot like that in many ways.

4. Why don't you just put shit through my letterbox? Metaphorically of course, since I don't have one... As for the PG limit, well, that's just impossible.

Oh, by the way, I'll be coming as a girl and Michael will be a guy, so remember that when you make up a story for us. Saying 'anything lewd or inappropriate' can mean so many things, and it's just impossible for me not to do that, relative to what's going on around me. It's part of my very soul. That's my excuse anyway.

I can't wait either!

Love, light and medical experiments,

Signature - There'll be time for explanations later. And hopefully, some sex!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

To: God
Re: Planning

I still can’t really believe that me and Jack are actually getting married. It’s all we’ve talked about all week, but it feels unreal and too good to actually be happening. Nothing could possibly make me happier right now.

When I was little, I used to watch all those old Disney films like Snow White and Cinderella with the big white weddings at the end and think that that was what I wanted, but now I’m here and getting married soon, none of that stuff matters. I think we could get married in a back alley somewhere and it wouldn’t bother either of us, because all that matters is the two of us telling the world and each other how much we’re in love. You’re right, it’s nothing to do with having kids or being with each other forever, it’s about showing that there’s nobody else for either of us and what could, no, what would have been if the world hadn’t been working against us. There’s no doubt in my mind that if Jack wasn’t dying we’d end up married, and one of the painful things about Jack dying is what I’m not going to be able to do with him. I know this wedding is Jack’s way of doing what he can and saying sorry he can’t do the rest.

I had no idea there was so much to organise in the wedding though. There’s so much legal stuff to deal with, as well as the things for the ceremony. This country certainly doesn’t make it easy for people to get married. Me and Jack went to the registry office yesterday to sort things out and find out everything we needed to do (really, you need a license to get married in this country). We’ve got to go back on Monday when I’ve got my birth certificate. I know Dad’s got it, but I don’t want to ask him where it is and he doesn’t work weekends, so I’ve got to wait until Monday when he’s back to work so I can turn the house upside down looking for it. If I still can’t find it, I’ll have to ask him, but I don’t want it to turn into a discussion about why I need it, because I don’t want to tell him I’m getting married, and Jack’s going to help me look for it.

I did wonder for a bit if I should tell Dad, but I don’t want to. Jack had a big argument with his mum on Thursday about him telling his dad, which made me wonder if I should tell mine. His mum thinks he should let his dad know he’s getting married, and Jack doesn’t want to. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen Jack get angry. I don’t want to ask because I can tell it’s a sensitive subject for him (just like the subject of my parents is for me) but Jack is such a loving person I’m curious to find out what his dad did to stir up so much hatred inside him and what he did that Jack can’t forgive.

We went to church yesterday to at least try for a church wedding, but as expected it’s not possible. The earliest date we could get was the 29th of November, and Jack could be gone by then. We tried Jack’s old church too, but we couldn’t get until January there, so it’s not going to be a religious ceremony because the stupid law says you can only have a Christian wedding in a church. Jack’s a bit disappointed, but I’ve managed to bring him around to the way I see it. If I had a penny for every time I’ve told Jack “I’m not marrying God, I’m marrying you”, I could probably feed an African family for a week. In the end though, he said he knows that Heaven will be watching no matter where we get married. If only he knew. I wonder if it would make him feel better if he knew there are going to be angels at the wedding. I wish I could tell him.

We’ve got a busy day tomorrow since me and Jack have to go to the passport office to apply for a passport for me. Jack was a bit disappointed to find I had no passport, but even though I’m getting one now, that means I know that he’s planning on taking me abroad somewhere for our honeymoon, but of course he won’t tell me exactly where we’re going. He likes giving me surprises too much, even though I hate all the guessing. I don’t know what was going through my mind when Jack asked if there was anywhere in particular I wanted to go, and I said I’d be happy anywhere as long as I was with him. I should have seen it coming that he’s keep it as a surprise for me. I should have said I wanted to go to France or something. At least that way I’d know what to expect. I do enjoy surprises when I get them, but I hate the guessing and anticipation. At least I have a little bit of knowledge knowing it’s abroad somewhere, but the world is a big place, I’d never guess exactly where we were going. We have to go to the passport office in person since I don’t have a passport, which puts to an end Jack keeping it a total secret from me, but he’d have a tough time getting me a passport without me knowing (impossible, actually), and I have to go to the passport office in person because if we do it by post we won’t get my passport in time for the honeymoon.

I’m looking forward to Saturday the most though right now. Poor Jack, he’s going to be home alone while I’m off trying on wedding dresses with his mum and sister. Emily’s even more excited about it than I am. She was so happy when I told her she could be my bridesmaid, since if nothing else she gets to wear a pretty dress, so she’ll get to try on lots of different dresses with me. I have a suspicion that Jack will be off planning our honeymoon while I’m off trying on dresses though. He says he’s keeping the honeymoon a secret because he’s not allowed to see my dress. We both know it’s tradition, and even when I asked him if he’d tell me where we were going if I let him see my dress, he said no, but he still enjoys using it as an excuse.

We’ve got to try and find somewhere to hold the wedding too, since we can’t have it in church, and if you have it at the registry office there are so many rules about what you can and can’t have. They’ve got a big list at the registry office of all the licensed venues though, so we’re going to have a look at that when we go back with my birth certificate on Monday to sort out our marriage license.

So much stuff to organise. Part of me wants to say screw it, if I’m getting a passport anyway let’s just go to Vegas and get it done with. It wouldn’t be the same though.

I find it hard to imagine my life without Jack (and the horrible thing is that I don’t have too long left before I’m going to have to find out what it’s like), but if I was a kid again, I wouldn’t miss having that kind of relationship, would I? I like to think I’m a pretty accepting person and I don’t dislike people until they give me a reason to, but avoiding the people I don’t like isn’t that easy. Damien still texts me almost every day (not that I get much chance to text back to him) and there’s not much I can do to avoid that. I feel even sorrier for him now, knowing how much hard work goes into arranging a wedding, and with my wedding I know all that work is going to be completely worth it at the end. Damien’s being forced to do all the hard work I’m doing, and at the end he’s getting married to someone he hates and can’t stand to be with, and he’s too much of a coward to stand up to Michelle and say no. In some ways, I can’t blame him. From what I’ve seen and heard of Michelle, she’s not someone I’d want to get on the bad side of, but he really should end it while he’s still got a reasonable chance. It’ll all be so much more difficult when he’s married.

Damien doesn’t know I’m getting married yet. I’m not sure if there’s much point in telling him. I’m not inviting him to the wedding (obviously), and it seems a bit twisted because I’m sure it’ll crush him, especially since he doesn’t know Jack will be gone before it’s really begun. Then again, it would be a good way of letting him know that he’s got no chance of getting back together with me again, but it seems a bit of a cruel way to do it if I’m not giving him the whole truth.

Don’t get me started on red tape. I’ve had enough of that with the wedding. You can’t do anything these days without someone outlining exactly how you can and cannot do something. The best part about all the health and safety red tape is that they’re being forced now to do away with a lot of it because kids don’t know how to deal with danger because the state likes to wrap them in bubblewrap. I used to play conkers as a kid and it never did me any harm. I don’t know anyone who it did harm, either. I look back on happy times I had playing conkers. There used to be a conker tree at the end of my road (yeah, used to be. The health and safety people did away with that as well, probably out of fear a conker could knock someone out if it fell from the tree) and I used to go there every day after school looking to see if any more had fell them soaking them in vinegar for a few days. Kids aren’t allowed to do that now.

Of course the government worry more about the army than the police or the NHS, everything’s about image for them. Hey look, we have free healthcare! We send military aid to out friends! We fight evil! Ally with us! Yeah, fantastic. We look great from the outside, but the inside is falling apart. The government think that the only way they can solve problems is to throw money at it. There’s always reports on the news of how much each NHS trust is in debt. I don’t know, maybe this is a bit of a naïve point, but aren’t they supposed to be losing money? If healthcare is free, how are they supposed to make money?

The government drive me nuts when I start thinking about them like this. That guy in the police who dressed up as Bin Laden in the carnival got me going a bit over what they thought was a necessary way to deal with it. Yeah, perhaps it was a bit in bad taste, but did he really deserve what they gave him over it? It was just a costume. It wasn’t like he was secretly in league with Al Qaeda or anything. I think some people need to learn to lighten up and take things as they’re meant sometimes. He wasn’t trying to promote terrorism or Muslim extremism any more than me and Jack are trying to brainwash anyone into becoming Christian by having a Christian wedding. Even if we found a Christian registrar, the law still says you’re not allowed to do it (and yet they’ll still try to force Christian registrars to do gay weddings. It makes no sense!).

Gabriel, prison isn’t necessarily just about punishment, it’s about reforming them too. Even if they’re beyond redemption, I still think prison is a better punishment than death. Why should they get to make other people suffer then just die and that’s the end of it? It probably is a bit sadistic, but if I think about the guy who killed my mum, I’d rather see him in jail (a real jail, not the ones they have these days with Sky TV and Xboxes) suffering rather than just dead and put out of his misery. He ruined my life! He should be made to suffer just as much as I have. For that to happen, he has to suffer for a long time. Violence isn’t the answer, even if I had it in me. I want to see him in emotional pain, not physical pain, and for a very long time. As it was, I didn’t even get to see him go to jail with Sky TV. The bastard’s still out there somewhere because the police claimed that the fact he was caught drink driving a quarter of a mile down the completely straight road with no turn offs wasn’t enough to prove that he actually hit my mum, and there were no witnesses (yeah, because there was nobody else on the road!). Who else could it have been?!? In the end, all he got was a 12 month driving ban and a £1000 fine for what should have been a murder charge. Innocent until proven guilty fails badly. I’ve really been missing Mum these past few days. I feel like she should be here for my wedding.

Well, that’s the problem with a lot of people. They don’t care about anything else because someone’s got their tits out. Then again, if these people were smart enough they wouldn’t be reading that type of newspaper, so not to worry too much because they probably wouldn’t make that much of a difference. Damien used to look at page 3 (probably still does) and look at what his life has turned into now. Jack reads intelligent newspapers and he’s marrying the girl he loves, whereas Damien’s being forced into marrying a girl he hates who’s pregnant with his baby. There’s more to life than sex, some people just don’t realise that.

I don’t see people as sex objects like you do, that’s why I can’t see how it’s fun to watch people in the shower.

Wait a minute, have you been watching Jack in the shower as well? When I said you should watch someone who didn’t know you were watching, I didn’t mean Jack! Leave him alone! What do you think you’re going to get out of watching Jack? He’s got a girlfriend! Wait, no, he’s getting married! Stop it! Of all the people in the world, why do you have to watch us? We’re not going to be taking showers together, hate to break it to you, especially not by your request. In fact, you’ve ruined any chance of that happening by asking.

A sensitive way? That’s not some compassion coming out, is it? Trust you though. I say me and Jack are getting married, and the first thing you think about is whether or not we’re going to be having sex. Not how romantic it is or anything, just the sex. You try to be sensitive, then tell me that you’ll be watching! You really have no morals at all, do you? Can I have a little bit of privacy for once? Would that be so much to ask for?

In all seriousness though, I hadn’t thought about it until you brought it up. I brought it up with Jack today and asked whether we would, and Jack got the most unbelievable smile on his face and told me he hoped so. I’ve never seen that smile on Jack’s face before. I don’t know what the word for it is. Seductive? Anyway, it went right inside me. I wanted to rip his clothes off there and then. Just kissing him doesn’t seem enough any more. I was originally thinking that there was nowhere near enough time to arrange a wedding, but now I want to get married tomorrow if that’s what’s going to come after. So yeah, I think that should answer your question. I really can’t wait until the wedding now.

There is a serious side to it all though, like what if he gets me pregnant. Not that I don’t want Jack’s kids, just not when I’m 18 and under these circumstances where he’ll be gone before they’re even born. I wish I could have more time with him. Even if I did want to get pregnant with him now, it’s not a good idea while he’s having chemotherapy because of the way the drugs affect his system – any kids he did have now could well end up deformed. At the end of the day, I don’t want to be a single mum at 18, even if it is Jack’s child. We’ve talked about it a bit, but we’re planning on going to see Jack’s doctor some time this week (something else on the neverending list of things we need to do) to find out what’s the best thing for us to do. Some of us are a bit more responsible than you.

Another serious point – you don’t even want to think about what I’ll do to you if you watch us while we’re doing it. You can tell that to everyone else watching me too.

Heaven forbid I should annoy my viewers! Where would I be without them? Oh yeah, a lot better off. I do agree with you about the BBC though. The only really good thing they’ve made these past few years is Doctor Who, and even then that’s not half as good as it used to be. Everything else is just reality shows, which I can’t stand. It’s still better than the rubbish on ITV though.

I’m sure we won’t be thinking about nudist beaches or fetish clubs later on. If you want to go to one, that’s your choice. Me and Jack have more sophisticated ideas of fun than you. Not everything in life has to involve sex, you know.

Some Christians annoy me too, but there are other Christians who are the nicest people you could possibly hope to meet. I hate Christians (or people of any religion, actually) who try to force their religion onto other people, because it makes the rest of us look bad. Unfortunately, it’s often the priests and clerics who do that. It makes me feel embarrassed those Christians who are fighting for creationism to be taught in school as fact. The people who wrote the Bible couldn’t possibly have been there to see it, so what makes it fact? Even when I used to believe in the Bible, I could see that it was just a story. I wish some Christians would learn some common sense sometimes.

I had a conversation with some Jehovah’s Witnesses a few years ago. They really do annoy me. People like that give Christianity a bad name. They were dead set on convincing me that my way of life was wrong, even though we were both following what was essentially the same religion. They have no ability to think for themselves. I tried arguing with them, but I gave up in the end because I wasn’t getting very far, they were just so ignorant and unaccepting. With all the other branches of Christianity, I can see the reasons the rules are there, but not with Jehovah’s Witnesses. I wouldn’t mind shooting a few of those.

I’m so glad you and Michael are coming! (even if you do drive me nuts sometimes). I’m looking forward to it. I’ll be glad to see Michael again and (as much as I hate to say it) you as well. For a while, I was worried that I wasn’t going to have anyone to invite and all of Jack’s family would be there and I’d be there with nobody. We talked about who we were inviting, and Jack’s only got 12 people (all his mum’s side of the family), but I don’t have any family to invite. My mum was an only child, so no aunts or uncles or cousins, and her parents, my grandparents, died before I was born, and I don’t get involved with my dad’s side of the family. I’m so happy there’s going to be someone I know coming and I’m not going to look like a total loner.

We’re hoping to have the wedding on the 11th of October, since that’s the only realistic date for it. Jack will be in chemo the week before, and if we have it the week before that there won’t be enough time to organise everything and we won’t be able to go on our honeymoon right after, not that I’ll have my passport by then anyway. We can’t say anything for certain yet though until we find somewhere to hold it and someone to do it, but that’s the date we’re hoping for.

I’ll have to have a think about what I’m going to tell Jack about who you two are. He knows I have no friends apart from him, and no family (or at least, no family I would invite to my wedding), so it’s going to take some work to come up with something convincing.

Well, if you’re coming, I have some rules for you:

1 - No trying to have sex with the registrar or the photographer or any of Jack’s family or… in fact, I’ll just make it simple. No sex with anyone, whether it’s consenting or not. I’m sure you’ll manage to last a day without it.

2 – Whatever you wear, it’s not allowed to be any more than three inches above your knee or five inches lower than your collarbone. Sleeves wouldn’t go amiss either. If in doubt, ask yourself if I would wear it (whether I would wear it, not whether you’d like to see me in it). If the answer to that question is no, then it’s probably not appropriate. Oh, no midriffs either. You’re going to a wedding, not a pole dancing club.

3 – I don’t want to imagine what type of things you keep in your wardrobe, but no leather or PVC or anything like that. It’s not a fancy dress party either.

4 – Going back to the topic of sex, I think I’ll have to spell it out for you so you don’t go searching for loopholes. Keep your body to yourself, including your mouth and hands. Don’t go doing anything that would be too dirty for a PG movie.

I could go on all night coming up with rules, so I’ll just summarise in saying behave yourself. Just for one day, see if you can go without doing anything lewd or inappropriate.

I do love my new surname (or what will be my new surname). It’s probably a bit sad, but I’ve been practicing my new signature with my new name. I’m probably biased, changing from my dad’s name to Jack’s name, but it does sound so much better, and it’s like there will always be a little bit of Jack with me.

I can’t wait! I’m so excited!

-Poppy Honeywell (yeah, it looks right too)

Saturday, September 13, 2008

To: Poppy
Re: Government and the End of the World

So you've decided to go down the marriage route, fair enough. It does make sense, and if it makes you happy for some time that can only be good. Normally I might suggest that marriage can only be restrictive, and serves no real purpose, but in this case, it's the idea and the declaration of it that makes it all worth it. You won't have to deal with the difficulties of marriage because it can't last long enough for that, so hopefully you'll just get the good bits of it.

Of course, being a child is much easier because all the difficult stuff is taken care of for you. Still, children don't get involved in intimate relationships, so if you went back to that you wouldn't be with Jack now. Having said that, the 'black and white' approach to life you mentioned can be used as an adult too. You like who you like, avoid who you don't. Just because a lot of other people don't do that doesn't mean you should feel compelled to make their mistakes.

As to the imperial/metric problem, it has been an issue for a long time. The problem is that if both systems are used, inevitable confusion results. The main problem comes from the new generation, who having been taught metric, have to then learn another system to be able to do certain things. Of course, it works the other way too, if you only know imperial, how are you supposed to know what the weatherman means if he says it's going to be 20°C? Still, you can probably count on the fact that whatever he says, it'll be wrong. The point though is that there is no real purpose in having both systems, so choosing one and sticking with it would help to solve the problem. With only one system in place, people would learn it very quickly, and given the choice between the two it's obvious that metric is simpler.

Of course, your government is well known for investing vast amounts of money in pointless activities. The Millennium Dome is a good example of that. Having said that, people in general tend to spend lots of money on things that serve no real purpose, so maybe they are "speaking for the people" in that case.

Naturally, "red tape" is something else your government is famous for, although people have complaints about that everywhere. Of course, the government has to try to cover every eventuality, especially with regard to criminal law. Otherwise different judges could give different sentences for the same crime. This results in a massive web of laws, which are usually not understood by the general public. Of course, this is great for lawyers, since they can dedicate all of their working lives to understanding it, and make huge amounts of money for it.

In actual fact, wages for the armed forces in the UK are better than a lot of civilian jobs, and the benefits are very good as well. They have to be, for anyone to want to do such dangerous work. Of course, people do sign up for the army, which they wouldn't otherwise do unless the benefits outweighed the risks for them (or they had a death wish). Still, the fact that the government sees such a need for armed forces as opposed to decent healthcare and internal security (police) says something about human priorities.

Scientists always have to take risks to advance in their knowledge. In the past, these risks at worst involved a few people dying. Attempts to fly, for example. Nowadays, technology has increased, and of course people are looking into things they don't understand. It does show a certain lack of concern that the security at the Hadron Collider was cracked by a group of hackers. Having said that, smashing atoms together is not going to create black holes big enough to destroy (or even really effect) your world no matter what. You humans do know you need a collapsing "star" full of atoms for that, right?

-----Original Message-----
From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]
Sent: 10 September 2008 21:28
To: God
Subject: FW: Bliss

It certainly seem sadistic to me to lock someone up for years on end yeah! An individual who's been done a great wrong might well want to punish whoever's responsible, in a much more aggressive way that locking them up, but for society surely it would be easier to simple dispose of people like that? I mean, it's not like you humans need to keep people like that alive, you've got enough people on your planet anyway.

Well, I do kinda agree with the page 3 girls thing actually. I figure it would be a much better experience to visit a brothel or something than staring at a photo. But hey, nicer to look at an attractive topless woman than the latest stats on your wars, or a picture of some starving child huh?

How can you not see that watching people shower is fun? It's kinda one of those taboo things you humans like so much, watching people like you and Jack getting all wet and steamy. By the way, personal request, can you do that together?

Speaking of that, how can I say this in a sensitive way... Ok how about this - if you're getting married I take it that means you'll be getting your cherry popped soon? I'll be tuning in for that!

Nah no advertising, we don't have money up here so it would be pointless and annoying for your viewers. Still can't believe you people put up with paying the BBC so much for a few pretty crappy channels without adverts.

Well yes... I was thinking of a nudist beach. Maybe a fetish club or something. Something to think about later on.

Ha! A lot of people would also rather shoot themselves that be a Christian! Or the clearer minded ones would rather shoot the Christians. Killing all those priests and clerics would be one of the best things you could do as a species.

We wouldn't miss it! You'll have to let us know exactly when it'll be, so I can set the recorder. Er... I mean be there on time. One thing though, you might want to come up with something to tell Jack about who we are, can't really introduce us as a couple of angels who raped your ex with another angels trout now can you?

I do like your new surname by the way, much more fitting than the old one!

Love, light and medical experiments,

Signature - There'll be time for explanations later. And hopefully, some sex!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

To: God
Re: Bliss

I’m too excited to talk about anything else first, so I’ll just say it. Me and Jack are getting married! I still can’t quite believe it. It seems like too good a thing to happen to me. It’s just amazing. It’s funny, just a while ago I was saying that one of the things I couldn’t stand about Jack dying was how we were never going to do things like get married, and now here we are engaged. I’m sat here with a big smile on my face. I don’t have the words to describe how I’m feeling right now.

There’s a long story about how it happened. Jack got back from chemo last Friday and had decided while he was in hospital that we should go away somewhere again since we both enjoyed going to London, so as soon as he got home he told me that we were going away and I had to pack my things. Of course, Jack being Jack couldn’t just tell me where we were going, apart from the fact I needed to take a warm coat (of course, with British weather being British weather, that’s a good idea wherever we were going, but at the time I didn’t realise how much I’d really need it), but I’ve come to expect that now. I don’t know if it was just me being a girl, but Jack managed to pack his things so much quicker than I did, so he came down to my place to help me pack and tell me what I should bring, then we kissed on my bed for a while, then the living room, then the kitchen table, then we eventually got into his car, where we still kissed for ages. It’s unbelievable how much we miss each other when he’s away in hospital. He said that we were making up for the time he’d lost for kissing me when he was in hospital, which I can kind of agree with. When Jack’s not here, I feel like I’ve got no energy, but when he comes back all the energy I should have had comes exploding out in one go and Jack’s the only one I can let it out on. Well, after about an hour, we finally got going, and Jack asked me to pick between two letters – C and W. I don’t know why, but I chose W, and spent the whole journey there wondering where we were going, just like when we went to London. Thankfully, the journey there wasn’t as long as last time, not that I didn’t enjoy the journey itself – I love any time that involves me and Jack being alone together – but it was just how he keeps me wondering. It’s fun to begin with, but it gets really annoying after a while, with me trying to guess from the road signs where we’re headed, and he finds it hilarious to keep me guessing.

Well, after about two hours, I discovered that the W was for Wales (I’m still wondering where we would have gone if I had chosen C), and we arrived in Cardiff, which was brilliant. We stayed in a hotel in the bay which overlooked the water, and we were right at the top, and the view from our window was amazing. I hate to think how much it all cost though, but money’s no object with Jack. We had champagne (we both got quite drunk and got the giggles for hours) and chocolates and strawberries and they had an indoor swimming pool there, and we had a lot of fun (and totally took advantage of the room service too – I’m so glad I’m not Jack’s bank manager, but Jack’s dad runs his own business and pays for whatever Jack wants, and Jack hates his dad so feels the need to take advantage of that, since his dad hasn’t even bothered to so much as phone him since he was diagnosed with cancer).

On Saturday we went shopping in Cardiff. I don’t normally enjoy shopping that much, but there are some really unusual shops in Cardiff (including a condom shop. I’m being serious. The funny thing was that Gabriel was the first thing that came to mind when I saw that). Wales seems such a great place to live. Everyone there seems to have a real identity of who they are as a country and have pride for where they live, which I don’t think we have that much of in England. On the way back to the hotel there was a Doctor Who exhibition in the bay where they had all sorts of costumes and sets, and it was absolutely amazing. I love Doctor Who, and seeing all these things on the TV don’t do them justice. The exhibition was right next to where they filmed some of Doctor Who too, which wasn’t too far from where our hotel was, and that was incredible. We went to Cardiff Castle as well, which was brilliant.

On Sunday we got back in the car and carried on driving through Wales, not really heading anywhere in particular, just seeing where we ended up, and we ended up driving quite a way, since we were talking so much and enjoying ourselves in the car we never felt the need much to stop and get out. In the end, we found ourselves right at the other end of Wales, where there’s a town called Portmeirion, which was absolutely amazing. They filmed some TV show there back in the 60s, and I can see why. It was so beautiful. It was like something out of a fairy tale. I don’t really know how to describe it, it was so spectacular. It was hard to believe that it was really real. All the houses were so colourful and magnificent, and it was all built on a hill, so you could go down to the beach and look up at the town and see all the roofs of the buildings and it was just beautiful. They had a maze there and me and Jack had a race to see who could get through to the other side the quickest, which I lost badly, but we both got the giggles after over how bad my sense of direction is.

I really did try to persuade Jack not to stay the night there, because they charge obscene amounts of money, but it didn’t work. There was a little cottage by the sea where we stayed, and it was amazing. I wish I could describe it better, and I know I keep using the word amazing, but it really was. It was totally unreal, like something out of a dream.

Then Monday was without a doubt the best day of my life so far. We were driving back south through Snowdonia, which was absolutely breathtaking. There’s a long winding road going through a valley with huge mountains on either side of the road, and it’s spectacular. It felt like they could come crashing down on top of you at any second and it was just awe-inspiring. Half way through, there’s a little train that runs right to the top of Mount Snowdon, the third highest mountain in the UK, and so naturally we had to go on that, and that was where Jack first asked me if I wanted to marry him. At first, he just dropped it into the conversation, and at first I thought I couldn’t possibly have heard him right, but we talked about it for ages, just as a general concept. He’d been thinking about it all the time while he was in hospital, but was worried about asking me. He was worried that it would make it even worse for me after he dies if we got married and how I’ve got my whole life ahead of me and he’d worry I’d end up using it as a barrier to finding someone else after he’s gone (not that I can see myself with anyone else after Jack either way, but that’s another story). I told him there was nothing I wanted more than to marry him, despite the fact I knew it was impossible. We went off onto other subjects then, until we got to the top of the mountain and got off the train (where I was so glad Jack had made me bring a warm coat because there was snow in some places on the top). It was such a clear day, and we were so high up we could see the Isle of Man and Ireland from there. Then, right there at the top of the mountain, he said “Right, I’m going to do this properly now” and before I could ask him what he was talking about he pulled the ring from his pocket and went down on one knee and said “Poppy, will you marry me?”. I think my heart probably stopped beating for a bit then, and when it came back it went into overdrive. My brain just couldn’t handle it. I eventually managed to get a yes out amongst the hyperventilating.

I still can’t believe it. I can’t remember much of the journey back down the mountain, or the car journey home for that matter. We got home and sat there in the car for ages outside Jack’s house. I had to ask him whether he did actually propose to me on top of a mountain or whether or not I dreamt it. I still have to remind myself that it wasn’t a dream.

On the one hand, I have thought about the logic behind it. It probably will make it worse for me after he dies if I marry him, and I don’t want to be a widow at 18, but love isn’t logical. If I said no (not that I’d ever be able to), I’d have regretted it for the rest of my life. I’m sure the future is going to suck majorly, so I might as well concentrate on the present and making it as awesome as possible. I think the band holding me and Jack together is so tight anyway, making it tighter isn’t going to make any difference to how hard it’s going to hit me in the face when he’s gone.

I suppose me and Jack have been taking out enough time to play, since we’ve pretty much spent every day of the last two and a half months together, but the world still goes on. I miss the days where there wasn’t a care in the world, and I wish I could get them back again. I wish I could just spend all day with Jack without having to worry about what time we’re going to start getting hungry (although I must admit Jack’s more one for that, because I forget to eat when I’m with him) or what day of the week it is or how much longer we’ve got together before he has to go into chemo again. I know there are advantages to being an adult, but I’d take being a child any day of the week. I miss having the feeling that someone else cared about my wellbeing. I know Jack cares about me, but it’s a different type of care. I miss the type of care that Mum used to give me. Relationships were so much easier too. Everything was black and white. You either liked someone or you didn’t. You were their friend or you weren’t. There wasn’t any fuss about how you liked someone’s personality but you hate the way they do this or do that, or how you get along with one person but you don’t like the way they look or whatever. There were no judgments about people based on race or religion or anything like that. You took people for who they were. I miss that simplicity in life.

I can agree with the people who were arguing for the right to still use imperial. Back in the day when only imperial was used, I remember it took me ages to get used to it when I first started doing the shopping because Dad couldn’t be bothered any more, because at school they only used metric and imperial is so much more complicated to me. I expect sooner or later imperial will just filter out as metric is what’s taught in schools, but for the moment I’m happy with shops and places using both systems. I don’t agree with just going fully metric and leaving everyone else behind, but then, that’s the EU for you.

At the end of the day though, I can’t see how it took so long for them to just decide that shops should display both systems. I don’t know if it’s just me, but it seems obvious. Then again, the government aren’t really known for taking the obvious, cheapest and the route that’s going to make everyone happy. No, let’s spend a small fortune on something that nobody likes (like the London 2012 logo. It’s one of the most horrific logos of all time, and nobody likes it). Then we’ll have a good excuse for not doing anything about things that really matter!

Marriage law, obviously something I’ve been reading up on recently. Me and Jack don’t have enough time to wait for a church wedding, so it’s looking like a civil ceremony. You can’t have a civil ceremony that involves religion in any way, which I can kind of understand, because if I was a registrar I wouldn’t be happy conducting a ceremony involving something that went against my beliefs. If you want a religious ceremony outside of church, then you have to have two ceremonies one right after the other – first you have a total non-religious ceremony where you sign the certificates and whatnot, then you have a religious service right afterwards, probably in the same room, but with someone different conducting the ceremony. Would it be too easy to just have a religious ceremony at the registry office and sign the papers while you’re there at the ceremony? It’s what they do at church weddings. I’m not asking the registrar to get involved with anything Christian at all because they wouldn’t be conducting the wedding, but because it’s not in church, you’re not allowed to do that. Who comes up with these laws? Why should the building make any difference as to whether or not you’re allowed to sign the certificates at a religious ceremony?

It’s much the same with sorting problems in society. The government spend so long debating the ‘best’ ways of sorting things out, the problem has gotten a million times worse by the time they’ve come up with a ‘solution’. This deal with the credit crunch is getting on my nerves. Bills are going up so much (and there’s nothing to stop them going up, whereas in France there’s a law that they can’t raise prices any more than the rate of inflation), and a lot of people are struggling to get by. Gordon Brown announces that we shouldn’t be trying to lower the prices, we should be insulating our houses to save on heating costs. The people who need help with heating don’t have enough money to pay their bills, let alone be insulating their roofs! And what about the people who already have insulated roofs? Doesn’t change the fact we still can’t afford to pay the bills. All these companies can say that it’s to cover costs, but they’re still making an absolute fortune out of it.

Maybe one day we’ll have a government who know what they’re talking about. Gordon Brown has no idea about heating bills or what it’s like to live in the real world, so he has no real right to be making statements about what we should or should not be doing. I’d like to see him try living off a pension for a week or two. I’m sure a lot of people would. That or fighting in wars for hardly any money. These people risk their lives in places and the pay is terrible, I can’t see why anyone would want to sign up for the army. Plus, with our government, you’re probably not going to get much back if you lose a leg or something. Your life is ruined, but the government don’t care about that any more than they care about your family you’ve left behind if you get killed.

Right now though, I’m happy to be alive. I don’t know how they can not stop an experiment that has even the remotest chance of it opening a black hole and sucking in the Earth and everyone on it. I see what you mean about how we’re probably going to end up wiping ourselves out sooner or later.

Gabriel, I don’t think anyone deserves to die. I don’t know, maybe it’s a bit sadistic, but I think if you’ve done a crime that’s that bad, you should be made to spend a long time suffering for it. The death sentence just seems the easy way out to me. Spend your life doing whatever you want, and then you’ll die, which isn’t much of a punishment. If they spend the rest of their life in prison, then they’ll know how the people they’ve affected feel by the end.

Well, you said morals are relative. I feel that in this relative situation, it is my moral duty to draw clothes on page 3 girls to average out you watching me in the shower. You watch me in the shower, which I don’t like, so I really should do something which you don’t like to balance that out, like drawing on clothes. That’s the way society works. Cause someone else suffering and you should be made to suffer in return. If you have enough mental capacity to stop watching me in the shower (seriously, there are enough other people out there, can’t you watch someone else who doesn’t know you’re watching?), then I wouldn’t have to draw clothes on page 3 girls. I think page 3 girls are an abomination to all sane people. What’s the fascination with seeing a total stranger with no clothes on? You’re not even seeing that person there either, it’s just a photo. There’s no attachment to that (normally too stupid to get any other job) person. I’ve got no idea, maybe you can shed some light on that for me.

You’re such a hypocrite! You make me suffer for your convenience! Doesn’t matter whether it’s murder or watching people in the shower. Two totally different things there, but the principal is the same.

I can promise you, I’m not going to start watching people in the shower. That’s just sick and wrong. You can say what you want, but it isn’t going to happen.

I’m not here for everyone’s entertainment. I don’t want people watching me, so I’m definitely not dancing or telling jokes when there’s nothing else for me to do. I hate feeling like people are watching me, so there’s no way I’m going to do anything that’ll make them want to carry on watching me. The next thing I know, you’ll be asking me if I’m available to do advertising. “Poppy’s life will continue after this commercial break.”

What do you mean, a bikini would be a start? How is it possible to wear anything less? Actually, I suppose you think me and Jack should’ve gone to a nudist beach. Never gonna happen though, so don’t get excited.

I think I’d rather shoot myself than follow any religion you came up with. Just the thought makes me shudder… Then again, religions are always twisted by some people to something different to what they originally were. I’m sure I could interpret you as a hazard, therefore justifying me never taking my clothes off.

I’m sure I’m going to regret asking this, but do you and Michael want to come to the wedding? I feel stupid because I’ve got nobody to invite (not that Jack really has that many people), and if it wasn’t for you two, me and Jack would never have met.

Oh man, I can’t believe I actually asked.

Well, I’d better get going now. My fiancée is probably waiting for me by now. Wow, fiancée. What a word! Oh, and I’m going to have a new name too! I’ve had enough of being Poppy Lancaster. That’s my dad’s surname. Poppy Honeywell. . .I like that. It sounds so right. I could really get used to that.