Monday, June 09, 2008

To: God
Re: The end of everything


That’s another reason I’m sure the world was better off a few hundred years ago. People being irresponsible about sex never used to happen when everyone was religious. Okay, so the Bible’s against contraception, but it never mattered because people never had sex before marriage anyway. The way you talk though, you make it sound like it’s a good thing that people are polluting the world so much they’re going to end up killing themselves off.


Surely though, if there’s a chance that hackers could one day learn to launch missiles and things like that, it’s a good thing that people don’t know how computers work? The world’s in enough of a mess as it is with suicide bombers, without having people being able to blow other people up without having to kill themselves in the process too. There’s less of a chance of that happening if nobody really knows how they work. Or maybe we’d just be better off if a large portion of us did get wiped out like that.


Does everyone have some time in their subconscious mind when they’re destined to die, or is it just some people? There’s no way my mum could have possibly seen what happened as an opportunity to kill herself. The car came out of nowhere. She couldn’t possibly have seen it coming. Anyway, even if it was like that, I can’t believe she could have decided that it was time for her to move on and just leave me behind like that. Not when I was nine years old.


I understand my emotions. I know why I feel the way I do, and I can even see that I’d be much better off if I didn’t have them, but I just can’t do that. I really wish I could. I’d be so much better off if I could get rid of my emotions.


People can’t honestly believe that they really want the world to be the way it is right now. It’s a terrible place! There’s no meaning to life in this world. We’re born, we go to school to learn how to work, then we spend decades working because we have no other choice, then we retire when we’re not useful any more, then we die. I’ve managed to drag out not having a job for a year now since I left school, but I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to last. That’s the way the world works. There has to be more to life than that. There should be, anyway. It’s not like it’s ever going to change, anyway. Like you said, the wrong people are in power. I don’t think the concept of power should exist. Karl Marx had the right idea. There’d be no need for government in the perfect society. Of course, it makes sense that the government at the time exiled him for writing what he did. People in power want to hold onto their power, even when they know that their power isn’t what’s best for everyone.


I know exactly what I want, and I don’t have it. I guess it must just be too late for me. Things have happened that make it impossible for me to have them. Maybe I just was never supposed to be happy. I can’t see any other explanation.


Maybe I would have felt guilty if I had given in to Damien, but it couldn’t have been as bad as I feel now he’s gone. Damien was the only good thing in my life that managed to average out all of the bad things. Now not only is he gone, he’s given me more bad things that I now have nothing to average out with.


What a depressing thought. It says something about my life that the only thing I have to look forward to is being able to forget everything. It makes me feel that I’d be much better off if I just died now. There’s nothing else to look forward to.


Reading this email back, I know I sound terrible, but I’ve had the worst day ever, even by my standards. Today started alright. I’ve decided to try out the church thing in reverse. If I visit Mum’s grave every Sunday, I might as well go to church while I’m there. Anyway, I did that, and I was actually somehow in a good mood. Then I made the stupid mistake of deciding that the weather was so nice that I wasn’t going to go straight home afterwards, and I was going to walk home the long way around. Dad’s been away on a business trip this week for three days, so I didn’t have to spend as much of the money he normally gives me to go and do the food shopping this week as I usually do. I was walking past the bus stop and I knew the bus into town would be there soon, and since I had some spare money that I don’t normally have I decided I was going to wait for the bus, go into town and have a look around the shops. I really wish I hadn’t now. Not far from the bus stop where I was waiting, there’s a park where all the chavs hang out. Even I know that it’s a no-go area for anyone outside of school hours. I was just fine until Damien came around the corner, obviously on the way to the park with the other girlfriend. I knew it was her by the way he had his arm around her, even if he didn’t have the most guilty look on his face when he saw me waiting at the bus stop. I couldn’t stop staring at her. I just couldn’t believe he had cheated on me for someone like that. Michelle’s kind of pretty in her own way, but this other girl is just the meaning of the word ‘chav’. It must have been invented for her. I told myself I was just being paranoid when I remembered that the long way home took me within 100 metres of Damien’s house. I should have listened to myself the first time. I think once Damien realised that I knew who she was, he decided that it was best to avoid me and he took her in the other direction. I suppose even he’s not that stupid. After that I wasn’t in the mood to go shopping, so I went home again. I could tell when I got home half an hour later and he phoned me that he’d just been dying to phone me and had only just managed to get her out of the way so he could talk to me. I didn’t answer my phone, even though he kept ringing. After that he started texting me. I managed to ignore the texts for a whole hour before I caved in and decided to read them. He says he needs to talk to me, but I couldn’t want anything less. I was wrong when I said I wanted to know about the other girlfriend a while ago. Now I’ve seen her, I wish I still knew nothing. I can’t stop thinking about her. I actually went to bed over two hours ago, but I couldn’t sleep, so got back out. I really wish I could sleep. See how bad I am at not letting things affect me?


Gabriel, how drunk do you think I could get myself on £14.72? I think I’m dangerously close to going and finding out. I’m sure somewhere has to still be open, even this late on a Sunday night. Oh, look. It’s not even Sunday night any more. It’s Monday morning.


-Poppy


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