Re: Irrationality
I know it doesn’t make much sense, but I’m just not capable of forgetting things on my own, so if I have to get drunk to do so… Alcohol does lower your inhibitions and common sense, but it also lowers your grip on reality too, and reality isn’t somewhere I want to be right now.
Saying negative experiences are there to contrast the positive only works if you actually have positive experiences to contrast them with. The few positive experiences I’ve had are nothing in comparison to the bad ones. You can’t really compare the announcement that Billie Piper would be in Doctor Who again to everything that’s been going on with Damien since April. That’s five minutes of pleasure compared to two and a half months of pain. I can’t even think of any real positive experiences to use in that analogy, if it gives you an idea of how few of them I’ve had. The only good thing I can think of that has happened to me involved fictional characters. Everything that’s happened to me involving real people I actually know are all bad things. The only thing I can think of that happened recently that I’ve actually enjoyed that had no relation to fiction was that night with Damien, and I’m ashamed of myself because of the fact that I did enjoy it.
If only it were as easy as you make it sound to just choose again and change my life. It’s not like I’ve chosen to sit here on my own this whole time, it’s just events that have happened. You said that paths had been closed to me because of events. I don’t think you realise how many paths are closed to me. Things have happened that have changed who I am, and short of the Doctor turning up with the TARDIS and us going back in time and changing them, that’s the person I can’t help but be. Anyway, when Rose went back and stopped her dad being killed when he was hit by a car, monsters came through the rift in time and killed everyone.
The whole educational thing you said isn’t going to happen any more. I never intended to finish school and that would be it. Me and Damien had plans. I never really had any friends through secondary school. After Mum died when I was in primary school, I was in such a mess they ended up holding me back a year because I just couldn’t bear school after that. Everyone in the class I was held back in already had their own friendship groups and I could never fit in with any of them. All my friends were then in the class above me, and all went to secondary school when I was still in primary school. I never managed to make any friends other than Damien in secondary school, but he was in the year above me. The original plan was that he was going to go to sixth form while I was finishing off my GCSEs in year eleven. After that I’d have a gap year (which I was more than happy to do, because I’d had enough of school by the end) which would allow him to finish sixth form. After that, we were both going to go to college together. Now that we’re not together any more, we’re obviously not going to college together. I know I’m not going to get a decent job with my handful of GCSEs, but I only applied to one college, which is the one Damien still plans on going to, and I wouldn’t be able to stand seeing him every day like that. To sum it all up, I’m not going to any places of education, not this year, anyway, and short of stacking shelves for the rest of my life, I’m not getting a job yet. Without a job, I can’t afford to go anywhere, so any clubs or social activities are also out, and unless you have any other suggestions, there’s nowhere else I’m going to meet anyone. The rest of my generation tend to meet people in pubs and nightclubs, and we’ve decided now that me and alcohol aren’t a good combination, even though every time it happens it seems to inspire angels to rape Damien.
The rational part inside of me doesn’t want Damien to split up with Michelle. It’s not fair on the baby. The stupid, irrational part inside of me realises that if he does split up with Michelle, he’s half way to being single again and out for the taking. The stupid, irrational part of me has been far too dominant these past few days. I’m trying to convince myself that it’s the stupid, irrational part of me that wants to stop Gabriel from doing whatever she’s got planned to him too.
Thanks for confirming my theory, Michael. Camael doesn’t have anything to be depressed over. Looks like I win that argument.
Okay, I think I’m going to have to get out of the house now. While I sit here, the stupid, irrational part of me that still loves Damien wants to warn him what’s going to happen and stop it. I’m going to have to go distract it with a trip to the library.
-Poppy
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