Re: Death, religion and me
After what happened to my mum, I’m always a bit fazed about crossing the street. I’ve seen how easily a car can kill someone. Even if the traffic lights are on red, I don’t cross until all the cars have completely stopped. I guess that knowledge and experience of how fragile the human body is transfers over into other things, like me worrying about being killed in circumstances that may or may not come to be.
I did have a choice in what to believe in. When mum used to tell me stories from the Bible when I was a kid, I could have turned around and decided not to believe it, but I didn’t, and that was my choice. There was nothing to suggest that everything Mum used to tell me from the Bible wasn’t true, so why would I not believe it?
Doesn’t it annoy you that all these religions have completely the wrong idea about you? Surely you’d be controlling people less if you wiped out religion than if you sit there and leave it be? Like me for instance, I’ve spent most of my life going to church on a Sunday, and if you trace that back, it comes back to you. If the Bible and all of these religions that have got it wrong didn’t exist, I wouldn’t be going to church. You’re not doing it directly, but I’ve being controlled to go to church because of other peoples’ ideas of you. Wipe out religion, and I wouldn’t be. You might not be controlling people directly, but you’re causing people to control other people by doing nothing.
Surely though, religion must stop more murders and wars than it causes? Like a while ago we were talking about what the world was like a few hundred years ago when everyone was Christian. The Ten Commandments say that you’re not allowed to murder anyone, and so people didn’t kill each other. Now people don’t follow religion, and look at the world. We’re always hearing about people getting killed all the time. A lot of the time kids who didn’t deserve to be killed. Parents killing their children, in some cases. How can religion be a bad thing if it stops things like that happening? Even if it is all wrong, if that’s the type of person I’ll turn into if I leave religion, I’m staying a Christian forever.
I suppose I did ask for all of this, although I would have been happy with just some small sign you were there. I wasn’t quite expecting for me to have my beliefs turned on their head like this.
Inside my mind is the last place I want to be. If I stop doing things, I start thinking about everything that’s gone on in my life, and then I start depressing myself. My dreams aren’t that much better, when I can actually get to sleep. I haven’t been sleeping that well lately. I lie in bed but just can’t sleep, so I start thinking about things and getting depressed again. After all that, when I do get to sleep I end up having bad dreams because of all the bad things I’ve been thinking about while I was lying there, but there’s just nothing nice for me to think about.
It wouldn’t surprise me if all Damien worries about is how he’s going to look when he texts me, because it works. When he talks about Michelle and the baby, he reminds me of the really caring side of him, and it makes me miss him. Human beings weren’t designed to be completely alone…Maybe that’s why I feel so terrible, since apart from you, I am completely alone. There’s a small part of me inside that’s tempted to just forgive Damien for what he’s done and take him back because I'm so lonely, but I’m doing my best to ignore that, because I know if I did, I’d end up getting hurt again.
Camael, believe me, boyfriends are more trouble than they’re worth. Look at me. I was just about okay with myself before. Okay, I had two really good years with Damien, but now that’s over I’m a wreck. I was going to kill myself three weeks ago. Really, you’re much better off without a boyfriend. If you don't get into a relationship, you can't get hurt afterwards.
I’m sure they’re not avoiding you, they just don’t know what to say. Maybe if you spoke to them a bit more, then they’d be more comfortable around you? At least you have people there. All I’ve got is my dad. He avoids me and I avoid him, and that’s it. You’ve got enough other people around you. If you make the effort, there’s got to be at least one person there you can make friends with.
Failing that, I find strawberry ice cream works for me…
-Poppy
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