Re: Love and Pain
I knew it had to be too good to be true with Jack. I’ve had such a terrible life and when I met Jack it seemed that I’d had something happen that went against that pattern, but no, apparently not. It’s another item in a long list of bad things that have happened to me. Maybe nobody is purposely causing these things to happen, but I can’t help but feel like I’m cursed or something. There have been so many bad things happen to me in my life it’s getting hard for me to believe they could all be a coincidence.
I know nobody lives forever, but everyone I care about always ends up dying. Jack’s only eighteen. He’s too young to die. Lung cancer is what old people get when they’ve been smoking their whole lives. Jack’s still a teenager. You never hear about teenagers getting lung cancer, and yet I manage to make friends with one of the few teenagers who has it. There are roughly 31,000 people living in my town. The odds of meeting Jack were 31,000 to 1, and I still managed to do it.
I don’t regret meeting Jack at all, but it almost seems like my life’s getting predictable now. Wait until I meet someone I can enjoy myself with, then something happens to rip them away from me. Anyone can see the pattern, except this time it’s been much quicker than normal. Normally it takes a few years. This time it’s a few weeks.
I’d never be able to do it, but it would have been a smarter thing to do to just cut him out of my life now. It would break my heart, but it’s going to hurt even more when he dies. I’m crying now just thinking about it.
Jack was convinced I was going to hate him and never want to see him for not telling me from the beginning, as if I could ever hate Jack. I didn’t leave his house on Tuesday night until almost one o’clock, even though neither of us could say anything to each other. I don’t even remember coming home, actually. I expect I was half asleep. I remember kissing him on the porch though outside my house. We were there for ten minutes because I didn’t want him to go home.
Yesterday morning was painful too, seeing him go. I hadn’t really slept and was looking out of the window and saw him leaving so I phoned him and made him come down to my house before he left. I was still in my pyjamas but I didn’t care. I ran down to him and kissed him. He seemed surprised that I kissed him. He thought that maybe after I was over the initial shock I’d come to my senses or something and decide I didn’t want to see him again, because he still can’t believe that I still want to even know him, let alone be his girlfriend.
I know I’ve been at the point before where I’ve had nothing to live for, but it’s different this time. There’s only so many times a heart can be broken before it’s broken for good. Nobody will be able to replace Jack when he’s gone. I don’t care what you say about his soul or his purpose or life. Regardless of all that, I’m still going to be on my own. You might find it fascinating to see me with a boyfriend who’s going to die. I’m just going to find it heartbreaking. Ha, you say it’s nothing to be upset about. I can’t take that seriously. If I wasn’t feeling so terrible I’d probably laugh at that.
It’s different for Jack to enjoy himself. Once he’s dead, that’s it for him. He might as well enjoy what time he’s got left. I just wish it was that easy for me. I’m going to be left behind. I love every minute I spend with Jack, but I know when he comes back it’s going to be different. Every day is going to feel like it could be the last day I spend with him, and one day it’s actually going to be. It’s not going to be easy and carefree like it has been. It’s going to change. I don’t want it to, but it will.
I haven’t been able to sleep or eat since yesterday morning. I’m so tired but every time I go to sleep it’s not much more than an hour before I wake up again, and every time I go to eat something I just can’t do it.
I cried so much yesterday it was almost like that bit in Alice in Wonderland. Today, I think I’m just all cried out. Damien texted me this morning for the first time in ages, and I ended up throwing my phone across the room harder than I thought and smashed my mirror. They say that’s seven years’ bad luck, but I don’t think my luck can get any worse. There’s a pile of broken glass on the floor and I haven’t read whatever Damien had to say yet. It’s probably the usual rubbish anyway.
Camael, I wasn’t pretending to be nice, but I’m just not in the mood any more, and it’s not like I’m getting anywhere with you. All you do is sit there complaining about facts of life that aren’t worth worrying about. Even when people like me and Michael try to help you you complain about it. No wonder you don’t have any friends when you act the way you do. You’re wrong though. I think in some ways you’re better off than me. Every time I meet someone who makes me happy something happens that puts an end to it. EVERY person who’s made me happy. My mum was hit by a car, Damien was cheating on me and now Jack’s dying of cancer. It’s so painful to have the people you care about taken away from you. That’s something you’ll never feel. I’d say that’s something you could feel good about, but you never feel good about anything, and the only reason you’re never going to feel the pain I’m feeling right now is because you’re too miserable to get to know anyone that well.
-Poppy
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