Thursday, July 24, 2008


To: God

Re: Desires

I’m not experiencing what I desire though. I’m experiencing what my soul desires, and the difference between what my soul wants and what I want couldn’t be much more different if we tried. Everyone says it’s supposed to feel good when you do things that engage the soul. Not for me. My soul has very strange ideas about what makes it feel good.

Sometimes I do manage to change the way I perceive things. Sometimes, just for a little while, I manage to just stand back and accept the events of my life for what they are. Then I come back to reality, see the cumulative effect all those events have had and what they’ve turned my life into and I just want to cry. On their own, none of the things in my life are completely unbearable, but all together along with the little side pieces that make it all that much worse , it’s too much for me to be able to handle. I manage to forget most of it when I’m with Jack, but there’s still the problem with Jack that’s brought even further to the front of my mind when I’m with him. When I’m on my own (which is a pretty rare occurrence now) all of the different things are just about equal in awfulness, but when I’m with Jack, it’s just that one thing, which takes on the combined awfulness of all the other things that have gone for the moment.

I don’t act that way towards my dad out of choice – he’s forced me into it. I don’t like ignoring him, but if I didn’t he’d really get to me, and my life is bad enough as it is. I have to be able to talk to people to be able to deal with things, and you’d have thought someone who lives in my house would have been perfect for that, but history has taught me that he just doesn’t want to listen. I learnt to stop trying years ago. I tried so hard for so long and it didn’t get me anywhere. I’ve given up now. If he can’t make the effort for me, I’m not going to make the effort for him.

This world makes me sick. Of course they rip them off. Money is apparently everything in this world. Nobody does anything for free. I hate this world so much. I know money can’t buy you happiness, but it can help an awful lot of people. All these big corporations take advantage of those people because it’s so easy to do. All the supermarkets buy produce from third world countries and pay the farmers less than it cost them to grow it, but the farmers are so desperate they don’t have much choice.

There are worse places though. They’ve started printing notes in Zimbabwe now with a value of one hundred billion dollars, and it’s still only enough to buy two loaves of bread. Inflation is at two million percent, and people still complain about the ‘credit crunch’ in the UK. I dream of the day when money will all disappear and people will do things and help each other out of the kindness of their hearts. I know it’s never going to happen though.

Well, the government should see that people in general paying through charity isn’t getting very far, but they’re not concerned with helping people, just lining their pockets. Even if they couldn’t do anything directly themselves, they could still donate to charities to help other people on their behalf. I’m sure they should have enough extra money lying around from closing the post offices and all the university funding they’re not paying now students have to pay top up fees (and they wonder why they can’t get doctors or teachers any more – nobody can afford to pay the fees!). The government know better than anyone what the power of money is, but they still don’t do much. Even if all the charities did shut down though, it wouldn’t change anything. The government never listen, no matter how much people complain. Iraq, closing post offices… They give the impression they listen sometimes, but they don’t really. It’s just coincidence that the government share the same opinion as the general public on (very rare) occasion. If the public don’t like something, it doesn’t matter, because they’re going to go on ahead anyway, and there’s nothing the public can do to stop it.

You evolving can wait. Would it make that much difference to you if Jack lived?

My life isn’t that bad, but it’s not that good, with the obvious exception of Jack being there, which he’s not going to be for that long. Young and healthy…I kind of wish I wasn’t. It should have been me with cancer, not Jack. He has so much more to live for than I do. I have him and nothing else. The problem is, Jack does fill all of my desires. I don’t need anything else when I’m with Jack. It’s a good thing Jack remembers to eat because he reminds me – I don’t even I’m notice I’m hungry until Jack decides it’s lunch or dinner time. I don’t notice I’m tired either until all of a sudden it’s the next morning and I realise I fell asleep on Jack’s bed. It’s been well over a week now since I last wore pyjamas or been IN a bed rather than ON it, because I always just fall asleep, rather than decide it’s bedtime and close my eyes and try to sleep. I tell myself I’m just lying down for a bit and the next thing I know it’s 8 hours later.

I don’t have much choice but to go with what just seems right, because I don’t know where my opinions and beliefs come from any more because they’re not coming from my religion. It’s just instinct now, and human/animal hybrid embryos just seem wrong. Then again, I know I’d do anything to save Jack, and if things like that could help other people like Jack…

After Jack though, I don’t know if I want any more friends. I don’t want anything else to happen to anyone else that’ll make me feel like I do now again. I can’t take it. I won’t have anything more that good in my life, but it prevents any more bad things happening.

Neither of us have time to worry about what people think couples should do, not that either of us would if we did. There’s not really anyone else there to think things anyway. Emily doesn’t really understand it properly, and Jack’s mum is just happy that he has someone to spend time with. What does it matter what society thinks couples should do anyway? I’m happy, Jack’s happy, I love Jack and I know Jack loves me because he tells me every ten minutes, and that’s all that matters. Society can think what they like. Society has turned its back on me for so long, now I’m turning my back on society. They can think what they like.

It does make me wonder about relationships though, and reasons people get into them. When I was with Damien, I thought we both loved each other enough, we were going to get married one day and have children, and that’s what it was all about. I look at me and Jack now, and I couldn’t possibly love him more than I do, but I look to the future and there’s nothing there. Makes me want to cry, writing that, but it’s true. Me and Jack are never going to get married or have children or do anything like that. We’re not going to spend the rest of our lives together. Well, I’m not. Jack’s going to spend the rest of his with me, but me on the other hand… damn, here come the waterworks…

I don’t hate myself, but I hate my life and what my soul has turned it into. Would any of this have happened if I had had a different soul?

How else am I supposed to relate to it? It’s part of an obvious pattern.

Camael, I just don’t think I’m ever going to be able to change my feelings. It’s been nine years now, which has been more than long enough for me to accept that Mum’s dead and it’s not going to change, but I look at my life and what it’s become because of it…

My feelings never change that much. Just happy and sad, mostly sad in the past, but now it’s happy and sad at the same time, and it’s a horrible feeling. It breaks my heart.

I know how it feels to see other people having what you want. I see so many other people being happy for so many reasons, but my only source of happiness is my dying boyfriend.

I’m not letting myself make the same mistake again though. No more friends after Jack. I’ve changed my goal in life. I’m not going to try to be happy after Jack’s gone, I just don’t want to be sad. It’s a much easier goal to achieve, and not so far to fall if it does all go wrong. Mediocrity doesn’t crumble like happiness does.

Well, there’s hope for you yet. You just used the word ‘friendly’ in a sentence containing me and you. I’m sure that’s got to be some kind of cue for my soul to start conspiring to kill you.

I have thought about killing myself before, but I don’t think I’d ever be able to do it. Sometimes I stop myself as soon as the thought comes up, but other times I’ve sat there for hours thinking about it. Haven’t found anything quick and painless enough yet though. I’d never kill myself while Jack’s still here anyway, so I’ve still got time to think about it. Even if I did find a way to do it though, I don’t think I’d be able to get up the courage to be able to actually carry it through. No, it has to be a convenient accident, or at least something I don’t induce myself. There’s no way I’m sticking with my life for another 50-60 years waiting for me to die naturally if I’m going to spend it all feeling like this. Well, I’ve got a few months to think about it yet.

-Poppy

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