Re: Control
When you say it’s inevitable that people will end up out of your life, were you talking about everyone or just me? I never hear about anyone having the amount of bad luck that I’ve had. There are enough people I don’t like who it looks like I’m stuck with, but the people I love always get taken from me. Almost too much for it to be a coincidence.
You’d have thought by now I’d be used to being alone, the amount of time I’ve spent being so, but it still hurts, every time more than the last. The problem is, I DO relate to Jack on all levels. There’s nothing I can’t talk to him about. He’s the best friend I could ever hope for. I’m never going to find anyone else even remotely close to being that amazing for me. A whole group of people can’t even come close. Anyway, I find it hard enough to make one friend, let alone a whole bunch of them.
I have no way of dealing with people dying. It’s not just missing the person, but the effect it has on my life. I can’t even imagine how much different my life would have been if Mum was still here. It would be unrecognisable. Not just my home life, but everything. I wouldn’t have been held back in primary school because of the effect it had on me, I’d still have had my friends from primary school, we’d all have gone onto secondary school together, as opposed to them being in the year above me then and me losing touch, and I would have had people around me. Whether I’d still have met Damien would have been anyone’s guess, but it wouldn’t have mattered so much because I’d have been happy with my friends. I’d never have met Jack either, but that wouldn’t have mattered because I’d still have been happy. Jack would probably die without any friends, but he’s going to die. I’ve got to live on. Wouldn’t have lost my religion, either.
I’ve been thinking of nothing but Jack all week and I still have nightmares about him on the rare occasion I actually do get to sleep. I always end up waking up because of it, but they’re caused by my lack of sleep anyway. It’s an unending cycle. I have nightmares because I can’t sleep, but I can’t sleep because I keep having nightmares.
I just can’t wait for him to come back. It’s been a week now. He should be back today. I hope he is. I’ve built myself up to it now. There are so many things I need to say to him and so many things to talk about. Every time I hear a car go past outside it makes me jump up to the window and then I get disappointed when it’s not him. I’m sat here with my shoes on and everything and my coat lying on the bed. I’m not going to waste a second putting on clothes when Jack comes back. Forcing myself to put my coat on too when I go, because it’s pouring with rain. Not that the rain would stop me even if I didn’t have a coat. Jack’s worth more than that.
Camael, the self harm thing is supposed to be all about adrenaline, but I’m not quite that far yet. As if any kind of adrenaline rush could equal the feeling I get when I’m with Jack. Might have to keep it in mind for when he’s gone though, to remind myself of how it felt, kind of.
Do you not think I’ve had enough opportunities to practice controlling my emotions? It doesn’t work. I’ve given up now. I’ve had the best part of nine years being upset and depressed. If I was ever going to get over it, I’d have done it by now. I agree, it would be nice to be able to do it.
I’m quite looking forward to my future lives, actually. I can’t see any way in which they could be much worse than my life right now. Even the worst examples I can think of are still better than the one I’ve got now in some respects. Even if I was starving in Africa, food doesn’t die, and it doesn’t get taken from you once you’ve got it. The worst that could happen would be that I would die, not the food. Or even being reincarnated as a drug addict, drugs don’t die either, and all that would happen is the drugs would kill me. I’d die with what I loved. In my life now, the things I depend on get taken from me, and I’m still expected to be able to live on.
Gotta go, Jack’s back. The sight of his car driving up the road never looked so beautiful before.
-Poppy
No comments:
Post a Comment