Monday, April 28, 2008

To: God
Re: Your response

Damn it, please tell me I’m not in the middle of some psychotic episode. I thought I was losing it before, but now I know I’ve completely snapped. Not only am I writing emails to God, I’m getting replies and writing back. I just don’t care any more. I’m going to humour myself.


Well, I guess I asked for a sign, didn’t I? I’ve just got to say thank you SO much for taking the time to get back to me. It was so much more than I expected. I’d completely lost faith in you, but now in light of this, I can’t really deny that you’re there.


When you describe yourself the way you do, you make yourself sound so bad. I know you’re not. Well, I do now. You’ve really helped me to put things into perspective again. When I think about all of the things that people have been through in the Bible, I guess I haven’t got it so bad after all. I mean, my mum’s dead, my boyfriend’s been cheating on me for two years, but I’m still here, getting on with life. Adam and Eve had it pretty bad after they ate the fruit (I suppose they deserved it if you told them not to), and there were a lot of other people in the Bible who were much worse off than I am.


I’ve just been annoyed for so long that everything seems to go wrong for me. It was years before I was able to get over my mum’s death (it wasn’t really until Damien came along that I was able to stop thinking about it every day). It’s been so tough. There were so many times that I wished it was me who got hit by that car. I know nobody wants to die, but at least when my mum died, she had had a happy life. It was everyone else left behind that really suffered for it. I know you say this suffering has a purpose, but I just find it so difficult. I look at other people around me and it just seems like they’ve got it so much easier than I have.


I’m just so glad that I’ve found someone I can really talk about this with. I’ve tried talking to Dad about it loads of times, but he always avoids the subject when I try talking about Mum. It seems like every other week he has a new girlfriend, and it really hurts my feelings. I learnt to ignore when Damien was around, but now he’s gone it’s getting really difficult.


After Damien left me, my life wasn’t worth living any more. It still isn’t really, but I know that I should keep myself going for you. My mum always used to tell me when I was in trouble to ask myself what would Jesus do? I know he wouldn’t kill himself. Now that you mention it though, that’s a really hard judgement to make, seeing as we don’t know what Jesus got up to while he was a teenager. What did he get up to anyway?


Now that Damien’s gone though, I can kinda appreciate what makes you want to do some of the things you’ve done. After Damien cheated on me like that, I wanted to take out my anger on someone, preferably him. If it was in my power, I’d probably do some of the things you’ve done, but I guess two wrongs don’t make a right, and there’s nothing I can really do without breaking at least one of the ten commandments.


Losing someone really hurts. Back at the beginning, when Satan was still Lucifer, wasn’t he like your best friend? Didn’t it hurt when he turned against you? Do the other angels miss him? Do you miss him?


Anyway, how’s my mum doing up there? Is she alright? It feels so strange for me to talk about her like this. I hope she’s enjoying herself. Tell her I said hi.


-Poppy


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