Hlp me o lord

To: God
Re: Pushing

Marriage is supposed to be a beautiful thing, whether it serves any purpose or not. I know, these days people are always rushing into it before they’re ready and with the wrong person, and that’s what turns it into what marriage commonly is today. Still, people don’t get into it like they used to. It was in the paper today, actually. For the first time in however long, there are officially more unmarried adults in the UK than there are married. I wish there was something I could do to make Damien see sense and not marry Michelle. It’s making him so miserable, I don’t know why he can’t see that he’d be so much better off without her. Even if it’s about the baby, he doesn’t have to marry her. He should end it, and if Michelle doesn’t want him near the baby after that, that’s her choice. I can’t see it being a big loss for Damien – I don’t think he’ll ever want to be a dad, let alone at 18.

Michelle’s pushing it even further now, and it’s still not enough for him to end it. Damien’s gone to college this year to do his level 3 NVQ so he can become a mechanic, but now, three weeks into term, Michelle wants him to drop out and get a job so they can get a house together. I’ve told Damien to say no, and at the moment it sounds like he has, but knowing Michelle, I’m sure it will only be a matter of time. I can’t stand seeing Damien like he is. How much more is it going to take before he breaks? It’s not like he needs Michelle, he’s still got Kirsty.

I’m sure it’s only going to be a matter of time before Damien explodes, I can only hope it happens before it’s too late. I know he tells me this stuff because he doesn’t have anyone else he can talk to. I wonder what he would do if I weren’t here. He doesn’t have the best family in the world. All his two older brothers do is laugh at how much he’s screwing up, and I don’t think that helps him. I wonder if part of him marrying Michelle is trying to prove them wrong. His parents have to be the least caring parents in the world too. At least my dad just ignores me. They’re really open about the fact that they don’t care. That’s why it wouldn’t surprise me if he did get a job and move in somewhere with Michelle. Having your own place makes you look a little bit successful, and he needs to get away from his family and prove them wrong at the same time. I’ve told him it’s his life, not theirs, or Michelle’s for that matter, but it didn’t work. He worries about other people’s opinions of him far too much. He wants to prove himself a success, he just can’t see how much better off he’d be going back to square one rather than trying to recover what he’s got. I know what a horrible place square one is, but Damien’s got the will to build up from there, if only he had the will to get back there.

We’re probably never going to know about my dad’s reaction, since I have no intention of telling him, and Gabriel’s arranging to get him out of the house the morning of the wedding. At a stretch, he might ask where I’ve been all that time I’ll be on my honeymoon, and if he does ask, I’ll answer honestly, but past precedence doesn’t support the theory that that will happen. If he does notice me gone, he won’t ask where I’ve been. I like to think he would be shocked, but how long would it really last? He’d be back to ignoring me five minutes later. That’s what I want now, anyway. I’ve gotten used to him not talking over the past nine years. If he didn’t bring girls home with him all the time, I’d have forgotten what his voice sounded like.

I asked Jack about his dad this week. Jack’s not too happy at the moment. His dad phoned and Emily told him that Jack’s getting married, and now he wants to come to the wedding. Jack wasn’t himself all day after that. I had to ask. It doesn’t feel right Jack feeling that way about someone. His theory of ‘the more the merrier’ apparently doesn’t apply to his dad. Jack’s adamant that he’s not coming, but his dad’s phone four times since. I realise I jumped to the wrong conclusion before. Jack never said his dad hadn’t phoned since he found out he had cancer. Jack blocked his number on his mobile, and he never answers the phone at home. He said he hadn’t spoken to him. Jack’s refusing to speak to him though. His dad’s desperate to talk to him. I managed to drag it out of him, about why his parents split up. His dad owns a chain of strip clubs, and he’d been having sex with pretty much every girl he employed. That’s why Jack feels nothing about spending his Dad’s money in huge quantities, because of where it’s coming from. It’s rather ironic, his dad has practically paid for our wedding, and Jack doesn’t even want him there.

Even without the religious part, I think I’d much rather be married in a church than a hotel. Churches are such beautiful buildings, and hotels are boring and mundane in comparison, even after you’ve decorated. You’re right though, it’s the person, not the place, that’s important. A church wedding would have been nice, but we didn’t have time to wait for one, and me and Jack both agree that we’d much rather get married outside of church than not get married at all.

Less than 2 weeks to go until the wedding now. I’m so excited! I don’t know where all the time is disappearing to though. It feels weird, like it was both yesterday and eternity ago that he got down on one knee on the top of that mountain. We’ve had so much to organise since then, and still got a fair bit to do. We’re getting there though. We’re about three quarters of the way through our list now, although there are a few things on there we can’t do until a day or two before. The bridal shop phoned yesterday and said my dress was ready, so Jack’s taking me there tomorrow (and waiting outside because he’s not allowed to see) to try it on again and pick up all the other stuff that had to be ordered in like my veil and hair ornaments and shoes and (I hate to say it in front of Gabriel, but I find it impossible to believe that she wasn’t watching me while I was being measured and fitted anyway) underwear to go under my dress. I want to bring my dress home so I can admire it. It’s absolutely gorgeous. I want to hang it on my wardrobe door and look at it all day. At least, I would if Jack was allowed to be there while I did so.

We’re going to pick up Jack’s suit tomorrow too, although he’s told me if he can’t see my dress, I’m not allowed to see his suit. I really want to see him in it, but I’m sure I’ll manage to last two weeks. It’s not like my dress. There are only so many variations a suit can have.

The honeymoon’s still driving me nuts. I’m still no closer to finding out where we’re going (or even how long we’re going for).

I might not be programmed to require another person, but the only time I’m really happy is when I’m with other people. Without other people, it’s normally not long before I start getting depressed about life and circumstances. I want to be happy but the world wants to pull me down, and 99% of the time the world wins. It’s like I’m not allowed to be happy for any extended period of time.

It looks like I’m different to the rest of the world. I’ve never known what it’s like to be trapped in a relationship. Totally the opposite, in fact. Every relationship I’ve had with anyone (not just boyfriends) gets torn to pieces right in front of me. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have someone there you don’t want, because I’ve never had an excess of people around me. The people I like and love never last long enough for that to happen.

It’s beyond me how the NHS and the government manage to get in the state they’re in. They were saying in the news a while ago that in the NHS they have more office staff than nurses, and part of the problem is that they have so much paperwork and medical staff aren’t allowed to make their own decisions without going through a million layers of management and bureaucracy. This country lives on bureaucracy and legislation. I think a lot of it stems from this atmosphere we’ve probably inherited from the US where everyone wants to sue over the smallest mishap. That’s where all this health and safety stuff come from because everyone has to go overboard on rules to prevent themselves from being sued. This society is living in fear from so many sources.

I think they should do away with expenses too, or at least most of it. Travel and things like that, fair enough, but you shouldn’t be able to claim a leather sofa on expenses. That’s probably why a lot of politicians have no idea about the real value of money, because they never have to spend any of their own. Remember what I said about living in the real world? I can’t remember who it was now, but one of them thought a basic pension was £30 a week. Ha! That’s £4.28 a day. I couldn’t even feed myself for that, let alone live on it. See, no idea about the real world. £30 a week, what a joke! I bet they spend more than that in an average hour.

Well, maybe Gordon Brown is more of a representative, but I’m embarrassed to have myself represented by him as a British citizen to the rest of the world. All of the stupid ideas he comes up with. He might not be able to force laws through, but he does come up with ideas for some right stinkers. All the stupid comments and points he makes too. He makes George Bush look like a genius sometimes. Ha, two of the greatest nations in the world, and look who’s leading us.

Again, this is where real democracy would come in useful. Set a date and have the whole country vote on it, rather than spending months on end debating, and usually reaching the wrong decisions too. The public might be a little misguided sometimes, but we’re not total idiots. At the end of the day, these laws affect us a lot more than they affect the politicians, so we should be the ones to decide on them.

Yeah, I think they should learn to be less sensitive too! It’s not nice to be offended, but it’s just a part of life. I used to have to put up with a lot of anti-Christian stuff when I was in school, but I just learnt to block it out and ignore it. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. That’s what Mum always used to say to me. I think a lot of parents say this to their kids, but most adults seem incapable of following it. I just want to turn around to some of these PC people and say ‘sticks and stones’. There’s no reason they couldn’t apply that same principle to pictures or carnival costumes or whatever. I want to see it go to court one day and someone play the human rights card. Freedom of speech. It works for terrorists.

Gabriel, that’s barbaric! I like to think this country is a bit more civilised than that. They did used to behead people in the UK, but there’s a reason they did away with it. The USA still has the death penalty, and it does nothing to stop people. The opposite, actually. I hear about a lot more serial killings and shootings and stuff from the USA than I ever do from the UK. Muslim countries have some truly horrific punishments for even small crimes, and people still do them. You should be able to see that. You said you left Mary because she would have been stoned to death if you two had been caught, but it obviously didn’t make either of you think twice. Would you have been happy for them to just dispose of Mary if you had been found out? Or better still, they could have used her for experiments. She was pregnant, would have been a great opportunity for them.

There was evidence to prove he killed Mum, just not enough, apparently. His wreck of a car wasn’t enough because in hitting the lamppost, he effectively destroyed the evidence that it was definitely his car that hit her.

Guilty until proven innocent wouldn’t be too much different. They’d have to have reasonable grounds to arrest them in the first place, and evidence doesn’t lie. If you didn’t do it, the evidence would prove that. I’m not saying that we should just send everyone straight to prison, but there are so many criminals getting off scot free from crimes everyone knows perfectly well they did, but technicalities get them off. If the police did their job properly and the laws were in the right places and weren’t full of loopholes, it wouldn’t matter either way. If you didn’t do a crime, the evidence can’t point 100% to you, and if it can’t point 100% to you, you can’t get punished for it, can you? They still send innocent people to jail on occasion anyway, while real criminals get away with it all the time. But hey, it’s still better than executing innocent people.

Most newspapers are made of recycled paper now anyway, but it’s not the same reading it on the internet. I like having breakfast with Jack in the morning and reading the newspaper together. Reading our horoscopes to each other wouldn’t be the same on a computer. I like to have it in front of me and flick through the pages. You can’t do that on a computer.

Ha! Wouldn’t you just love that? Is that a real suggestion, or do you just want to see me pleasuring myself? Well, if it hurts, it hurts. How ‘large’ are we talking anyway?

Damn, I can’t believe I just wrote that! You’re turning me into such a monster!

a) You might find it fun or kinky to have someone else watching, but I don’t. Stop it.

b) Yeah, I can’t wait to have sex with him. That doesn’t make me a pervert like you, nor does it mean I have to follow him into the shower like some rapist. The bed will do fine, thanks.

c) Stop talking about Jack like that! That might be normal for the type of guys you go for, but Jack’s not filthy like you. For starters, he’s Christian, but even if he wasn’t…

It is a bad thing me thinking about Jack like that, because you think it’s a good thing! I can’t help it though. It’s driving me insane. I don’t feel in control of myself. That feeling I get when he kisses me is horrible right now because I’m not allowed to act on it, and the worst part is knowing that Jack feels exactly the same way. The way he’s been kissing me recently is different to the way he always used to kiss me. It’s not just loving any more, it’s passionate. And to make my self-restraint even more undermined, it always starts with that smile. And when he stops, it’s the most horrible feeling in the world. My brain knows it’s going to stop, but that doesn’t stop my body from feeling like it’s practically begging. The way he kisses me then runs his lips up my chin and down my neck, and if I’m wearing the right clothes, across my shoulder too. My body screams for him to go on. I must be the most hormonal girl in the world right now. And for that moment after, my mind begins to wonder how much further he’d go before stopping if I dressed like you, or if he’d even be stopping at all if he weren’t Christian. My brain is telling my body to wait two weeks then it can do what it likes, but my body says that isn’t good enough, and my body is winning the argument there. And the stupid arguments my brain throws in my direction don’t help either. It’s been 13 days since we applied for our marriage license. Legally, we could get married on Tuesday because then it would have been 15 days. Why wait until the 11th of October when I could get married in 2 days’ time? Neither my brain or my body has an argument back for that. They both agree. I feel like I’m being tortured right now.

Sleeping with Jack is getting harder now too. I’m sure it’s not going to be too long before I start hearing a voice in my head shouting ‘Come on! You’re so close!’ It doesn’t help what he does to me when we’re lying there in the dark either. It’s not fair, when he stops he’s asleep within ten minutes, while I can lie there for the best part of an hour before I’m calm enough to even think about sleep. I’ve lost count of the amount of conversations I’ve had with him in the morning that go along the same lines every time: ‘What are you so tired for? We went to bed at half ten last night.’ ‘Yeah, but it must have been midnight before I got to sleep.’ You’d think that after that, the following night I’d be out like a light, but no. Every night’s the same, and I’d still rather have him kiss and touch me that way and lie there for an hour afterwards than have him not do it. I’ve got the rest of my life to sleep.

Well, I was talking about the night after, but you’re always welcome to the spare room in my house if you want to stay the night before too. With my dad, do you not think I’m used to hearing people having sex? I want someone to shoot me if I sound like he does while I’m doing it though.

I’ve got a really horrible image in my head now of you standing outside the room with a microphone waiting to measure how loud we are. I’d almost get Jack to gag me to take that satisfaction away from you, but I think you’d like that idea even more.

I’ve got someone from the salon in town coming to do my hair and makeup before the wedding. I think her name’s Nicole. I’m not too bad with makeup, but I never know what to do with my hair. It’s not really curly, but it’s not really straight either. It can’t make up its mind. I can’t remember the last time I wore my hair up.

My English teacher would be so proud, what an oxymoron! Don’t worry, we’ll make sure you can’t escape… that’s even more cause for concern.

I’m NOT going to be rushing back for the wedding, and neither is Jack. We’re going to be back in PLENTY of time. Okay, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll come, but I want to be home by eleven that night. I don’t want to turn up to my wedding the next day looking like…well, looking like you threw me a hen night the night before.

See, and now I’m even more worried about what you’ve got planned for my hen night, because you’ve turned down the chance to have sex to be there, and the only reason I can think of why you would turn down sex is that there’s more sex somewhere else i.e. my hen night. I just hope you know what you’re doing with Camael. I know I hate my dad, but I don’t want the reason he’s not there that morning to be that he killed himself the night before.

Wow, for a second there, I almost felt sorry for Raphael.

1) I have a whole list of ways it would affect me:

a. There are only 12 people, not including you and Michael, coming to the wedding, and of those, 5 are men. If you take 4 or 5 people with you, not only will you have taken every man at the wedding, you’ll have taken almost half the guests.

b. There’s not an unmarried man coming. I invited you, so it’ll be my fault if there are five divorces because of you the next day.

c. I did invite Michael too. It seems a bit unfair to him that you want to run off with every other guy but him at the first available opportunity. I still don’t understand how you two work together.

I’ll know you have a vibrator, and that’s more than enough. If you flash anyone, I WILL cause you pain.

2) Oh no, you’re up to something. You agreed to one inch below the collarbone far too quickly. I’ll let you have two inches above the knee with normal proportions with single D’s, and that’s my final offer. I will be measuring you too, just to make sure.

3) No flashing anyone, full stop. All day. This is not a request.
Some of us have to wear bras. Not everyone has magic boobs like you that hold themselves up and in of their own accord.

4) Yeah, I’m open to rational and reasonable compromises, but the problem is that you’re not. I’d be able to live with you being somewhat perverted, if I thought you were capable of it. I’ll never forget the first time I met Jack. You told him I wanted him to undress me with his teeth, then you just disappeared and left me with him! You were just lucky it was Jack and he knew you were joking. I dread to think what that could have turned into with practically any other guy who was there that night.

These rules aren’t optional, by the way.

I’m sure there’s a huge difference between the way I think things should go and the way you think they should. Just behave. I’m going to remember this day for the rest of my life. I want it to be for the right reasons.

-Poppy