Hlp me o lord

To: God
Re: Bliss

I’m too excited to talk about anything else first, so I’ll just say it. Me and Jack are getting married! I still can’t quite believe it. It seems like too good a thing to happen to me. It’s just amazing. It’s funny, just a while ago I was saying that one of the things I couldn’t stand about Jack dying was how we were never going to do things like get married, and now here we are engaged. I’m sat here with a big smile on my face. I don’t have the words to describe how I’m feeling right now.

There’s a long story about how it happened. Jack got back from chemo last Friday and had decided while he was in hospital that we should go away somewhere again since we both enjoyed going to London, so as soon as he got home he told me that we were going away and I had to pack my things. Of course, Jack being Jack couldn’t just tell me where we were going, apart from the fact I needed to take a warm coat (of course, with British weather being British weather, that’s a good idea wherever we were going, but at the time I didn’t realise how much I’d really need it), but I’ve come to expect that now. I don’t know if it was just me being a girl, but Jack managed to pack his things so much quicker than I did, so he came down to my place to help me pack and tell me what I should bring, then we kissed on my bed for a while, then the living room, then the kitchen table, then we eventually got into his car, where we still kissed for ages. It’s unbelievable how much we miss each other when he’s away in hospital. He said that we were making up for the time he’d lost for kissing me when he was in hospital, which I can kind of agree with. When Jack’s not here, I feel like I’ve got no energy, but when he comes back all the energy I should have had comes exploding out in one go and Jack’s the only one I can let it out on. Well, after about an hour, we finally got going, and Jack asked me to pick between two letters – C and W. I don’t know why, but I chose W, and spent the whole journey there wondering where we were going, just like when we went to London. Thankfully, the journey there wasn’t as long as last time, not that I didn’t enjoy the journey itself – I love any time that involves me and Jack being alone together – but it was just how he keeps me wondering. It’s fun to begin with, but it gets really annoying after a while, with me trying to guess from the road signs where we’re headed, and he finds it hilarious to keep me guessing.

Well, after about two hours, I discovered that the W was for Wales (I’m still wondering where we would have gone if I had chosen C), and we arrived in Cardiff, which was brilliant. We stayed in a hotel in the bay which overlooked the water, and we were right at the top, and the view from our window was amazing. I hate to think how much it all cost though, but money’s no object with Jack. We had champagne (we both got quite drunk and got the giggles for hours) and chocolates and strawberries and they had an indoor swimming pool there, and we had a lot of fun (and totally took advantage of the room service too – I’m so glad I’m not Jack’s bank manager, but Jack’s dad runs his own business and pays for whatever Jack wants, and Jack hates his dad so feels the need to take advantage of that, since his dad hasn’t even bothered to so much as phone him since he was diagnosed with cancer).

On Saturday we went shopping in Cardiff. I don’t normally enjoy shopping that much, but there are some really unusual shops in Cardiff (including a condom shop. I’m being serious. The funny thing was that Gabriel was the first thing that came to mind when I saw that). Wales seems such a great place to live. Everyone there seems to have a real identity of who they are as a country and have pride for where they live, which I don’t think we have that much of in England. On the way back to the hotel there was a Doctor Who exhibition in the bay where they had all sorts of costumes and sets, and it was absolutely amazing. I love Doctor Who, and seeing all these things on the TV don’t do them justice. The exhibition was right next to where they filmed some of Doctor Who too, which wasn’t too far from where our hotel was, and that was incredible. We went to Cardiff Castle as well, which was brilliant.

On Sunday we got back in the car and carried on driving through Wales, not really heading anywhere in particular, just seeing where we ended up, and we ended up driving quite a way, since we were talking so much and enjoying ourselves in the car we never felt the need much to stop and get out. In the end, we found ourselves right at the other end of Wales, where there’s a town called Portmeirion, which was absolutely amazing. They filmed some TV show there back in the 60s, and I can see why. It was so beautiful. It was like something out of a fairy tale. I don’t really know how to describe it, it was so spectacular. It was hard to believe that it was really real. All the houses were so colourful and magnificent, and it was all built on a hill, so you could go down to the beach and look up at the town and see all the roofs of the buildings and it was just beautiful. They had a maze there and me and Jack had a race to see who could get through to the other side the quickest, which I lost badly, but we both got the giggles after over how bad my sense of direction is.

I really did try to persuade Jack not to stay the night there, because they charge obscene amounts of money, but it didn’t work. There was a little cottage by the sea where we stayed, and it was amazing. I wish I could describe it better, and I know I keep using the word amazing, but it really was. It was totally unreal, like something out of a dream.

Then Monday was without a doubt the best day of my life so far. We were driving back south through Snowdonia, which was absolutely breathtaking. There’s a long winding road going through a valley with huge mountains on either side of the road, and it’s spectacular. It felt like they could come crashing down on top of you at any second and it was just awe-inspiring. Half way through, there’s a little train that runs right to the top of Mount Snowdon, the third highest mountain in the UK, and so naturally we had to go on that, and that was where Jack first asked me if I wanted to marry him. At first, he just dropped it into the conversation, and at first I thought I couldn’t possibly have heard him right, but we talked about it for ages, just as a general concept. He’d been thinking about it all the time while he was in hospital, but was worried about asking me. He was worried that it would make it even worse for me after he dies if we got married and how I’ve got my whole life ahead of me and he’d worry I’d end up using it as a barrier to finding someone else after he’s gone (not that I can see myself with anyone else after Jack either way, but that’s another story). I told him there was nothing I wanted more than to marry him, despite the fact I knew it was impossible. We went off onto other subjects then, until we got to the top of the mountain and got off the train (where I was so glad Jack had made me bring a warm coat because there was snow in some places on the top). It was such a clear day, and we were so high up we could see the Isle of Man and Ireland from there. Then, right there at the top of the mountain, he said “Right, I’m going to do this properly now” and before I could ask him what he was talking about he pulled the ring from his pocket and went down on one knee and said “Poppy, will you marry me?”. I think my heart probably stopped beating for a bit then, and when it came back it went into overdrive. My brain just couldn’t handle it. I eventually managed to get a yes out amongst the hyperventilating.

I still can’t believe it. I can’t remember much of the journey back down the mountain, or the car journey home for that matter. We got home and sat there in the car for ages outside Jack’s house. I had to ask him whether he did actually propose to me on top of a mountain or whether or not I dreamt it. I still have to remind myself that it wasn’t a dream.

On the one hand, I have thought about the logic behind it. It probably will make it worse for me after he dies if I marry him, and I don’t want to be a widow at 18, but love isn’t logical. If I said no (not that I’d ever be able to), I’d have regretted it for the rest of my life. I’m sure the future is going to suck majorly, so I might as well concentrate on the present and making it as awesome as possible. I think the band holding me and Jack together is so tight anyway, making it tighter isn’t going to make any difference to how hard it’s going to hit me in the face when he’s gone.

I suppose me and Jack have been taking out enough time to play, since we’ve pretty much spent every day of the last two and a half months together, but the world still goes on. I miss the days where there wasn’t a care in the world, and I wish I could get them back again. I wish I could just spend all day with Jack without having to worry about what time we’re going to start getting hungry (although I must admit Jack’s more one for that, because I forget to eat when I’m with him) or what day of the week it is or how much longer we’ve got together before he has to go into chemo again. I know there are advantages to being an adult, but I’d take being a child any day of the week. I miss having the feeling that someone else cared about my wellbeing. I know Jack cares about me, but it’s a different type of care. I miss the type of care that Mum used to give me. Relationships were so much easier too. Everything was black and white. You either liked someone or you didn’t. You were their friend or you weren’t. There wasn’t any fuss about how you liked someone’s personality but you hate the way they do this or do that, or how you get along with one person but you don’t like the way they look or whatever. There were no judgments about people based on race or religion or anything like that. You took people for who they were. I miss that simplicity in life.

I can agree with the people who were arguing for the right to still use imperial. Back in the day when only imperial was used, I remember it took me ages to get used to it when I first started doing the shopping because Dad couldn’t be bothered any more, because at school they only used metric and imperial is so much more complicated to me. I expect sooner or later imperial will just filter out as metric is what’s taught in schools, but for the moment I’m happy with shops and places using both systems. I don’t agree with just going fully metric and leaving everyone else behind, but then, that’s the EU for you.

At the end of the day though, I can’t see how it took so long for them to just decide that shops should display both systems. I don’t know if it’s just me, but it seems obvious. Then again, the government aren’t really known for taking the obvious, cheapest and the route that’s going to make everyone happy. No, let’s spend a small fortune on something that nobody likes (like the London 2012 logo. It’s one of the most horrific logos of all time, and nobody likes it). Then we’ll have a good excuse for not doing anything about things that really matter!

Marriage law, obviously something I’ve been reading up on recently. Me and Jack don’t have enough time to wait for a church wedding, so it’s looking like a civil ceremony. You can’t have a civil ceremony that involves religion in any way, which I can kind of understand, because if I was a registrar I wouldn’t be happy conducting a ceremony involving something that went against my beliefs. If you want a religious ceremony outside of church, then you have to have two ceremonies one right after the other – first you have a total non-religious ceremony where you sign the certificates and whatnot, then you have a religious service right afterwards, probably in the same room, but with someone different conducting the ceremony. Would it be too easy to just have a religious ceremony at the registry office and sign the papers while you’re there at the ceremony? It’s what they do at church weddings. I’m not asking the registrar to get involved with anything Christian at all because they wouldn’t be conducting the wedding, but because it’s not in church, you’re not allowed to do that. Who comes up with these laws? Why should the building make any difference as to whether or not you’re allowed to sign the certificates at a religious ceremony?

It’s much the same with sorting problems in society. The government spend so long debating the ‘best’ ways of sorting things out, the problem has gotten a million times worse by the time they’ve come up with a ‘solution’. This deal with the credit crunch is getting on my nerves. Bills are going up so much (and there’s nothing to stop them going up, whereas in France there’s a law that they can’t raise prices any more than the rate of inflation), and a lot of people are struggling to get by. Gordon Brown announces that we shouldn’t be trying to lower the prices, we should be insulating our houses to save on heating costs. The people who need help with heating don’t have enough money to pay their bills, let alone be insulating their roofs! And what about the people who already have insulated roofs? Doesn’t change the fact we still can’t afford to pay the bills. All these companies can say that it’s to cover costs, but they’re still making an absolute fortune out of it.

Maybe one day we’ll have a government who know what they’re talking about. Gordon Brown has no idea about heating bills or what it’s like to live in the real world, so he has no real right to be making statements about what we should or should not be doing. I’d like to see him try living off a pension for a week or two. I’m sure a lot of people would. That or fighting in wars for hardly any money. These people risk their lives in places and the pay is terrible, I can’t see why anyone would want to sign up for the army. Plus, with our government, you’re probably not going to get much back if you lose a leg or something. Your life is ruined, but the government don’t care about that any more than they care about your family you’ve left behind if you get killed.

Right now though, I’m happy to be alive. I don’t know how they can not stop an experiment that has even the remotest chance of it opening a black hole and sucking in the Earth and everyone on it. I see what you mean about how we’re probably going to end up wiping ourselves out sooner or later.

Gabriel, I don’t think anyone deserves to die. I don’t know, maybe it’s a bit sadistic, but I think if you’ve done a crime that’s that bad, you should be made to spend a long time suffering for it. The death sentence just seems the easy way out to me. Spend your life doing whatever you want, and then you’ll die, which isn’t much of a punishment. If they spend the rest of their life in prison, then they’ll know how the people they’ve affected feel by the end.

Well, you said morals are relative. I feel that in this relative situation, it is my moral duty to draw clothes on page 3 girls to average out you watching me in the shower. You watch me in the shower, which I don’t like, so I really should do something which you don’t like to balance that out, like drawing on clothes. That’s the way society works. Cause someone else suffering and you should be made to suffer in return. If you have enough mental capacity to stop watching me in the shower (seriously, there are enough other people out there, can’t you watch someone else who doesn’t know you’re watching?), then I wouldn’t have to draw clothes on page 3 girls. I think page 3 girls are an abomination to all sane people. What’s the fascination with seeing a total stranger with no clothes on? You’re not even seeing that person there either, it’s just a photo. There’s no attachment to that (normally too stupid to get any other job) person. I’ve got no idea, maybe you can shed some light on that for me.

You’re such a hypocrite! You make me suffer for your convenience! Doesn’t matter whether it’s murder or watching people in the shower. Two totally different things there, but the principal is the same.

I can promise you, I’m not going to start watching people in the shower. That’s just sick and wrong. You can say what you want, but it isn’t going to happen.

I’m not here for everyone’s entertainment. I don’t want people watching me, so I’m definitely not dancing or telling jokes when there’s nothing else for me to do. I hate feeling like people are watching me, so there’s no way I’m going to do anything that’ll make them want to carry on watching me. The next thing I know, you’ll be asking me if I’m available to do advertising. “Poppy’s life will continue after this commercial break.”

What do you mean, a bikini would be a start? How is it possible to wear anything less? Actually, I suppose you think me and Jack should’ve gone to a nudist beach. Never gonna happen though, so don’t get excited.

I think I’d rather shoot myself than follow any religion you came up with. Just the thought makes me shudder… Then again, religions are always twisted by some people to something different to what they originally were. I’m sure I could interpret you as a hazard, therefore justifying me never taking my clothes off.

I’m sure I’m going to regret asking this, but do you and Michael want to come to the wedding? I feel stupid because I’ve got nobody to invite (not that Jack really has that many people), and if it wasn’t for you two, me and Jack would never have met.

Oh man, I can’t believe I actually asked.

Well, I’d better get going now. My fiancée is probably waiting for me by now. Wow, fiancée. What a word! Oh, and I’m going to have a new name too! I’ve had enough of being Poppy Lancaster. That’s my dad’s surname. Poppy Honeywell. . .I like that. It sounds so right. I could really get used to that.

-Poppy