Hlp me o lord

To: God
Re: Planning

I still can’t really believe that me and Jack are actually getting married. It’s all we’ve talked about all week, but it feels unreal and too good to actually be happening. Nothing could possibly make me happier right now.

When I was little, I used to watch all those old Disney films like Snow White and Cinderella with the big white weddings at the end and think that that was what I wanted, but now I’m here and getting married soon, none of that stuff matters. I think we could get married in a back alley somewhere and it wouldn’t bother either of us, because all that matters is the two of us telling the world and each other how much we’re in love. You’re right, it’s nothing to do with having kids or being with each other forever, it’s about showing that there’s nobody else for either of us and what could, no, what would have been if the world hadn’t been working against us. There’s no doubt in my mind that if Jack wasn’t dying we’d end up married, and one of the painful things about Jack dying is what I’m not going to be able to do with him. I know this wedding is Jack’s way of doing what he can and saying sorry he can’t do the rest.

I had no idea there was so much to organise in the wedding though. There’s so much legal stuff to deal with, as well as the things for the ceremony. This country certainly doesn’t make it easy for people to get married. Me and Jack went to the registry office yesterday to sort things out and find out everything we needed to do (really, you need a license to get married in this country). We’ve got to go back on Monday when I’ve got my birth certificate. I know Dad’s got it, but I don’t want to ask him where it is and he doesn’t work weekends, so I’ve got to wait until Monday when he’s back to work so I can turn the house upside down looking for it. If I still can’t find it, I’ll have to ask him, but I don’t want it to turn into a discussion about why I need it, because I don’t want to tell him I’m getting married, and Jack’s going to help me look for it.

I did wonder for a bit if I should tell Dad, but I don’t want to. Jack had a big argument with his mum on Thursday about him telling his dad, which made me wonder if I should tell mine. His mum thinks he should let his dad know he’s getting married, and Jack doesn’t want to. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen Jack get angry. I don’t want to ask because I can tell it’s a sensitive subject for him (just like the subject of my parents is for me) but Jack is such a loving person I’m curious to find out what his dad did to stir up so much hatred inside him and what he did that Jack can’t forgive.

We went to church yesterday to at least try for a church wedding, but as expected it’s not possible. The earliest date we could get was the 29th of November, and Jack could be gone by then. We tried Jack’s old church too, but we couldn’t get until January there, so it’s not going to be a religious ceremony because the stupid law says you can only have a Christian wedding in a church. Jack’s a bit disappointed, but I’ve managed to bring him around to the way I see it. If I had a penny for every time I’ve told Jack “I’m not marrying God, I’m marrying you”, I could probably feed an African family for a week. In the end though, he said he knows that Heaven will be watching no matter where we get married. If only he knew. I wonder if it would make him feel better if he knew there are going to be angels at the wedding. I wish I could tell him.

We’ve got a busy day tomorrow since me and Jack have to go to the passport office to apply for a passport for me. Jack was a bit disappointed to find I had no passport, but even though I’m getting one now, that means I know that he’s planning on taking me abroad somewhere for our honeymoon, but of course he won’t tell me exactly where we’re going. He likes giving me surprises too much, even though I hate all the guessing. I don’t know what was going through my mind when Jack asked if there was anywhere in particular I wanted to go, and I said I’d be happy anywhere as long as I was with him. I should have seen it coming that he’s keep it as a surprise for me. I should have said I wanted to go to France or something. At least that way I’d know what to expect. I do enjoy surprises when I get them, but I hate the guessing and anticipation. At least I have a little bit of knowledge knowing it’s abroad somewhere, but the world is a big place, I’d never guess exactly where we were going. We have to go to the passport office in person since I don’t have a passport, which puts to an end Jack keeping it a total secret from me, but he’d have a tough time getting me a passport without me knowing (impossible, actually), and I have to go to the passport office in person because if we do it by post we won’t get my passport in time for the honeymoon.

I’m looking forward to Saturday the most though right now. Poor Jack, he’s going to be home alone while I’m off trying on wedding dresses with his mum and sister. Emily’s even more excited about it than I am. She was so happy when I told her she could be my bridesmaid, since if nothing else she gets to wear a pretty dress, so she’ll get to try on lots of different dresses with me. I have a suspicion that Jack will be off planning our honeymoon while I’m off trying on dresses though. He says he’s keeping the honeymoon a secret because he’s not allowed to see my dress. We both know it’s tradition, and even when I asked him if he’d tell me where we were going if I let him see my dress, he said no, but he still enjoys using it as an excuse.

We’ve got to try and find somewhere to hold the wedding too, since we can’t have it in church, and if you have it at the registry office there are so many rules about what you can and can’t have. They’ve got a big list at the registry office of all the licensed venues though, so we’re going to have a look at that when we go back with my birth certificate on Monday to sort out our marriage license.

So much stuff to organise. Part of me wants to say screw it, if I’m getting a passport anyway let’s just go to Vegas and get it done with. It wouldn’t be the same though.

I find it hard to imagine my life without Jack (and the horrible thing is that I don’t have too long left before I’m going to have to find out what it’s like), but if I was a kid again, I wouldn’t miss having that kind of relationship, would I? I like to think I’m a pretty accepting person and I don’t dislike people until they give me a reason to, but avoiding the people I don’t like isn’t that easy. Damien still texts me almost every day (not that I get much chance to text back to him) and there’s not much I can do to avoid that. I feel even sorrier for him now, knowing how much hard work goes into arranging a wedding, and with my wedding I know all that work is going to be completely worth it at the end. Damien’s being forced to do all the hard work I’m doing, and at the end he’s getting married to someone he hates and can’t stand to be with, and he’s too much of a coward to stand up to Michelle and say no. In some ways, I can’t blame him. From what I’ve seen and heard of Michelle, she’s not someone I’d want to get on the bad side of, but he really should end it while he’s still got a reasonable chance. It’ll all be so much more difficult when he’s married.

Damien doesn’t know I’m getting married yet. I’m not sure if there’s much point in telling him. I’m not inviting him to the wedding (obviously), and it seems a bit twisted because I’m sure it’ll crush him, especially since he doesn’t know Jack will be gone before it’s really begun. Then again, it would be a good way of letting him know that he’s got no chance of getting back together with me again, but it seems a bit of a cruel way to do it if I’m not giving him the whole truth.

Don’t get me started on red tape. I’ve had enough of that with the wedding. You can’t do anything these days without someone outlining exactly how you can and cannot do something. The best part about all the health and safety red tape is that they’re being forced now to do away with a lot of it because kids don’t know how to deal with danger because the state likes to wrap them in bubblewrap. I used to play conkers as a kid and it never did me any harm. I don’t know anyone who it did harm, either. I look back on happy times I had playing conkers. There used to be a conker tree at the end of my road (yeah, used to be. The health and safety people did away with that as well, probably out of fear a conker could knock someone out if it fell from the tree) and I used to go there every day after school looking to see if any more had fell them soaking them in vinegar for a few days. Kids aren’t allowed to do that now.

Of course the government worry more about the army than the police or the NHS, everything’s about image for them. Hey look, we have free healthcare! We send military aid to out friends! We fight evil! Ally with us! Yeah, fantastic. We look great from the outside, but the inside is falling apart. The government think that the only way they can solve problems is to throw money at it. There’s always reports on the news of how much each NHS trust is in debt. I don’t know, maybe this is a bit of a naïve point, but aren’t they supposed to be losing money? If healthcare is free, how are they supposed to make money?

The government drive me nuts when I start thinking about them like this. That guy in the police who dressed up as Bin Laden in the carnival got me going a bit over what they thought was a necessary way to deal with it. Yeah, perhaps it was a bit in bad taste, but did he really deserve what they gave him over it? It was just a costume. It wasn’t like he was secretly in league with Al Qaeda or anything. I think some people need to learn to lighten up and take things as they’re meant sometimes. He wasn’t trying to promote terrorism or Muslim extremism any more than me and Jack are trying to brainwash anyone into becoming Christian by having a Christian wedding. Even if we found a Christian registrar, the law still says you’re not allowed to do it (and yet they’ll still try to force Christian registrars to do gay weddings. It makes no sense!).

Gabriel, prison isn’t necessarily just about punishment, it’s about reforming them too. Even if they’re beyond redemption, I still think prison is a better punishment than death. Why should they get to make other people suffer then just die and that’s the end of it? It probably is a bit sadistic, but if I think about the guy who killed my mum, I’d rather see him in jail (a real jail, not the ones they have these days with Sky TV and Xboxes) suffering rather than just dead and put out of his misery. He ruined my life! He should be made to suffer just as much as I have. For that to happen, he has to suffer for a long time. Violence isn’t the answer, even if I had it in me. I want to see him in emotional pain, not physical pain, and for a very long time. As it was, I didn’t even get to see him go to jail with Sky TV. The bastard’s still out there somewhere because the police claimed that the fact he was caught drink driving a quarter of a mile down the completely straight road with no turn offs wasn’t enough to prove that he actually hit my mum, and there were no witnesses (yeah, because there was nobody else on the road!). Who else could it have been?!? In the end, all he got was a 12 month driving ban and a £1000 fine for what should have been a murder charge. Innocent until proven guilty fails badly. I’ve really been missing Mum these past few days. I feel like she should be here for my wedding.

Well, that’s the problem with a lot of people. They don’t care about anything else because someone’s got their tits out. Then again, if these people were smart enough they wouldn’t be reading that type of newspaper, so not to worry too much because they probably wouldn’t make that much of a difference. Damien used to look at page 3 (probably still does) and look at what his life has turned into now. Jack reads intelligent newspapers and he’s marrying the girl he loves, whereas Damien’s being forced into marrying a girl he hates who’s pregnant with his baby. There’s more to life than sex, some people just don’t realise that.

I don’t see people as sex objects like you do, that’s why I can’t see how it’s fun to watch people in the shower.

Wait a minute, have you been watching Jack in the shower as well? When I said you should watch someone who didn’t know you were watching, I didn’t mean Jack! Leave him alone! What do you think you’re going to get out of watching Jack? He’s got a girlfriend! Wait, no, he’s getting married! Stop it! Of all the people in the world, why do you have to watch us? We’re not going to be taking showers together, hate to break it to you, especially not by your request. In fact, you’ve ruined any chance of that happening by asking.

A sensitive way? That’s not some compassion coming out, is it? Trust you though. I say me and Jack are getting married, and the first thing you think about is whether or not we’re going to be having sex. Not how romantic it is or anything, just the sex. You try to be sensitive, then tell me that you’ll be watching! You really have no morals at all, do you? Can I have a little bit of privacy for once? Would that be so much to ask for?

In all seriousness though, I hadn’t thought about it until you brought it up. I brought it up with Jack today and asked whether we would, and Jack got the most unbelievable smile on his face and told me he hoped so. I’ve never seen that smile on Jack’s face before. I don’t know what the word for it is. Seductive? Anyway, it went right inside me. I wanted to rip his clothes off there and then. Just kissing him doesn’t seem enough any more. I was originally thinking that there was nowhere near enough time to arrange a wedding, but now I want to get married tomorrow if that’s what’s going to come after. So yeah, I think that should answer your question. I really can’t wait until the wedding now.

There is a serious side to it all though, like what if he gets me pregnant. Not that I don’t want Jack’s kids, just not when I’m 18 and under these circumstances where he’ll be gone before they’re even born. I wish I could have more time with him. Even if I did want to get pregnant with him now, it’s not a good idea while he’s having chemotherapy because of the way the drugs affect his system – any kids he did have now could well end up deformed. At the end of the day, I don’t want to be a single mum at 18, even if it is Jack’s child. We’ve talked about it a bit, but we’re planning on going to see Jack’s doctor some time this week (something else on the neverending list of things we need to do) to find out what’s the best thing for us to do. Some of us are a bit more responsible than you.

Another serious point – you don’t even want to think about what I’ll do to you if you watch us while we’re doing it. You can tell that to everyone else watching me too.

Heaven forbid I should annoy my viewers! Where would I be without them? Oh yeah, a lot better off. I do agree with you about the BBC though. The only really good thing they’ve made these past few years is Doctor Who, and even then that’s not half as good as it used to be. Everything else is just reality shows, which I can’t stand. It’s still better than the rubbish on ITV though.

I’m sure we won’t be thinking about nudist beaches or fetish clubs later on. If you want to go to one, that’s your choice. Me and Jack have more sophisticated ideas of fun than you. Not everything in life has to involve sex, you know.

Some Christians annoy me too, but there are other Christians who are the nicest people you could possibly hope to meet. I hate Christians (or people of any religion, actually) who try to force their religion onto other people, because it makes the rest of us look bad. Unfortunately, it’s often the priests and clerics who do that. It makes me feel embarrassed those Christians who are fighting for creationism to be taught in school as fact. The people who wrote the Bible couldn’t possibly have been there to see it, so what makes it fact? Even when I used to believe in the Bible, I could see that it was just a story. I wish some Christians would learn some common sense sometimes.

I had a conversation with some Jehovah’s Witnesses a few years ago. They really do annoy me. People like that give Christianity a bad name. They were dead set on convincing me that my way of life was wrong, even though we were both following what was essentially the same religion. They have no ability to think for themselves. I tried arguing with them, but I gave up in the end because I wasn’t getting very far, they were just so ignorant and unaccepting. With all the other branches of Christianity, I can see the reasons the rules are there, but not with Jehovah’s Witnesses. I wouldn’t mind shooting a few of those.

I’m so glad you and Michael are coming! (even if you do drive me nuts sometimes). I’m looking forward to it. I’ll be glad to see Michael again and (as much as I hate to say it) you as well. For a while, I was worried that I wasn’t going to have anyone to invite and all of Jack’s family would be there and I’d be there with nobody. We talked about who we were inviting, and Jack’s only got 12 people (all his mum’s side of the family), but I don’t have any family to invite. My mum was an only child, so no aunts or uncles or cousins, and her parents, my grandparents, died before I was born, and I don’t get involved with my dad’s side of the family. I’m so happy there’s going to be someone I know coming and I’m not going to look like a total loner.

We’re hoping to have the wedding on the 11th of October, since that’s the only realistic date for it. Jack will be in chemo the week before, and if we have it the week before that there won’t be enough time to organise everything and we won’t be able to go on our honeymoon right after, not that I’ll have my passport by then anyway. We can’t say anything for certain yet though until we find somewhere to hold it and someone to do it, but that’s the date we’re hoping for.

I’ll have to have a think about what I’m going to tell Jack about who you two are. He knows I have no friends apart from him, and no family (or at least, no family I would invite to my wedding), so it’s going to take some work to come up with something convincing.

Well, if you’re coming, I have some rules for you:

1 - No trying to have sex with the registrar or the photographer or any of Jack’s family or… in fact, I’ll just make it simple. No sex with anyone, whether it’s consenting or not. I’m sure you’ll manage to last a day without it.

2 – Whatever you wear, it’s not allowed to be any more than three inches above your knee or five inches lower than your collarbone. Sleeves wouldn’t go amiss either. If in doubt, ask yourself if I would wear it (whether I would wear it, not whether you’d like to see me in it). If the answer to that question is no, then it’s probably not appropriate. Oh, no midriffs either. You’re going to a wedding, not a pole dancing club.

3 – I don’t want to imagine what type of things you keep in your wardrobe, but no leather or PVC or anything like that. It’s not a fancy dress party either.

4 – Going back to the topic of sex, I think I’ll have to spell it out for you so you don’t go searching for loopholes. Keep your body to yourself, including your mouth and hands. Don’t go doing anything that would be too dirty for a PG movie.

I could go on all night coming up with rules, so I’ll just summarise in saying behave yourself. Just for one day, see if you can go without doing anything lewd or inappropriate.

I do love my new surname (or what will be my new surname). It’s probably a bit sad, but I’ve been practicing my new signature with my new name. I’m probably biased, changing from my dad’s name to Jack’s name, but it does sound so much better, and it’s like there will always be a little bit of Jack with me.

I can’t wait! I’m so excited!

-Poppy Honeywell (yeah, it looks right too)