Hlp me o lord

To: God
Re: Changes

I think marriage should be about unity too. I see so many people getting married for so many reasons other than love. People like Damien who’ll marry someone they don’t want to spend the rest of their lives with are the people who turn marriage into a sham. I’d say I’d give Damien and Michelle a year before they’re divorced, but if Damien doesn’t have the guts to stand up to her and say no to marrying her, he’s not going to have the guts to divorce her either, no matter how much he hates her (and he texts me almost every day telling me how much he does). I texted him back yesterday asking why he’s marrying her if he hates her that much, but didn’t really get a straight answer out of him. I think he’s terrified of Michelle. She’s got him under her thumb completely.

I don’t think my dad would care about me getting married as long as it didn’t affect him. He didn’t care when they held me back in primary school, he didn’t care when I disappeared for the best part of a week on two occasions with Jack, never said a word when I burnt my arm and had a bandage for three weeks. Not even a ‘hey, what did you do to your arm?’. The last time he got involved in my life was, let me think, must have been back in June when Michelle caught Damien at my house, and the only reason he got involved then was because the noise was bothering him! He’s had more than enough reasons and opportunities to talk to me over the years. I don’t see how this time is going to be any different. I don’t even know if I want him to talk to me any more.

I do want to talk to Jack about his dad, but it’s difficult. You can feel how tense he gets just at his mention, and we’re always so happy when we’re together that I don’t want to ruin that mood. I’m sure Jack will tell me when or if he wants me to know.

I wasn’t too worried about getting married in church, but Jack was. I’m so happy to be marrying Jack I’m not too bothered where the ceremony takes place, but I was a bit disappointed because Jack was, although we’ve found a really good place to hold it now that works out much better if you ignore the fact we can’t have a religious ceremony there.

I don’t have to miss that kind of relationship, but I will. You’ve seen how happy Jack makes me. How can I not miss it? The only times I’ve had these past few years where I’ve been genuinely happy are when I’ve had someone else. Perhaps other people manage to be single and happy, but not me. Perhaps I could be single and happy if I really tried, but alone and happy is much more difficult. I need other people, it’s part of who I am. It might be a bad thing, but I can’t help it. When you love someone that much, how can you not become attached?

I think if they spent half as much time worrying about what kids are watching on TV as they do worrying about them getting superficial injuries, everyone would be a lot better off. I’m sure the things I used to watch when I was a kid weren’t anywhere near as heavy as the things I see Emily watching. When I was nine, I barely knew what a relationship was, but everything Emily watches on the Disney channel has relationships all over the place, boyfriends and girlfriends splitting up and getting back together in the next episode. I’m sure programs like that don’t help the fact that people these days can’t hold down a relationship for more than five minutes, because I think love ends up being secondary to the fact that they’re in a relationship, because everyone should be (or so they say). Maybe that’s what Damien thinks like, and it’s better to have a girlfriend he hates than be single. I wish I knew what was going through his mind, because I can’t understand it.

You do have to wonder who’s really responsible for the NHS not being able to stick within their budget. Of course there are too many bureaucrats and not enough doctors and medical staff, but is it the fault of the NHS for not being able to keep within their budget, or the government for not giving them a big enough budget for them to work with? I hate to think how many hospitals could be built, equipped and staffed with the amount of taxpayers’ money they’ve spent on the Olympics. It doesn’t help that the bosses of the NHS and people in the government getting paid ridiculous amounts of money either.

If only making a political party was that easy. Politics is not an easy career track to get into, and if you don’t get a paid job in it you have to get paid to do something else to live, and that’s time you’re not spending on the campaign trail. I don’t know how true it was, but someone told me a while ago that Tony Blair was on £72 an hour. Yeah, being the Prime Minister is a tough job and I wouldn’t want to do it, but is it THAT tough? You know what I think would help politics in this country? There should be a law that says politicians can’t earn any more than minimum wage. That way, politicians would only put up with the pressure if they were truly passionate about the job – it should be caring that keeps them in the job, not the money. Not only that, but it might encourage them to make the minimum wage fairer, and they’d be more in touch with the real world because they’d be living in the real world. They couldn’t afford private healthcare, so they’d have to use the NHS, and then they’d realise what a mess it is and do something about it. They’d also have to fuel their own cars because there’d be no Downing Street, so they’d have to drive to work like everyone else, and then they’d know how ridiculously expensive it is to run a car. I’d do away with political parties too. They’re too rigid to represent what people really want. I’d have real people voting on issues (okay, still politicians, but they’re not pompous and self-absorbed now that they’re on minimum wage) so they don’t have to vote the way their parties think or out of loyalty to their leader, because there wouldn’t be one. I’d take away the power of the Prime Minister too, since I don’t think it’s a good idea to have one person with that much power. I’d still have a Prime Minister, but they’d be more of a representative than a leader. They’d also have just as much decision making power as everyone else in the government. I think normal people should have some power too. If someone has an idea for a law they think is necessary, or if someone thinks an existing law is wrong, there should be mechanisms in place for them to have their voices heard. And equally, if someone disagrees with them, they should be able to plead their cases too. I know not everyone in this country cares about politics, but it would give the people who do care chance to make their points.

Wow, I didn’t mean for that rant to turn out so long.

Political correctness drives me nuts. How does dressing up as Bin Laden in any way affect someone’s ability to do their job? If he came to work dressed like that, they might have had a point, but I think what people do in their own spare time is their own business. If they’re not paying you for it, then it’s nothing to do with them.

Okay, I’ll stop ranting now and talk about something nice. Oh! My wedding dress! We went to the shop yesterday and looked at all the dresses. The one I picked out was so amazing. Since we’re not having a church wedding, Jack wants to go all out on the dress and I was under strict instructions that my dress wasn’t allowed to cost any less than £700. I fell in love with the dress when I saw it, I was so sure it was going to make me look really plain in comparison when I put it on, but it’s perfect. I love everything about it. I really want to show Jack, and Jack really wants to see it too, but it’s tradition and it spoils the fun on the wedding day if he’s seen it before. Not that I could show him at the moment anyway, because the dress is in the shop being altered to fit me better (and Gabriel will be delighted to know, tighter), so that takes away the temptation for the moment. I can’t wait until the wedding when he’s going to be able to see it.

Gabriel, it’s not that we need to reform criminals like that, but punishment is a matter of principle. Yeah, death sucks, but it’s not much of a deterrent for some people. If someone wanted to do a certain crime badly enough, they’d do it then probably die happy in the knowledge that they’d done it, whereas by the end of X amount of years in prison, they’d really regret it. That’s why a lot of these high profile criminals try to kill themselves in prison, because the punishment is so bad they can’t stand it. Not only does it make that person regret it, it stops anyone else contemplating a similar crime because they’ve seen what will happen if they go through with it. I know some countries do have the death penalty, but there have been occasions in America where they’ve executed someone and then it later turned out someone else was responsible. I think if you’re crazy enough to go on a killing spree, death isn’t much of a threat.

There was proof, the court just couldn’t see it. The autopsy showed Mum had three broken ribs from a single impact, which nothing but a car could do, but the defence was totally anal about it. He had a massive dent in his bonnet, which he claimed was from him hitting a lamppost just down the road from where mum was killed, and THAT was where the dent was from. Yeah, fair enough, the police investigated that lamppost and it was obviously hit at high speed, but to anyone else, it makes sense that if he was that drunk he’d drive into a stationary lamppost that fast, it points even more to the fact he hit Mum. I have no faith in the justice system. They wouldn’t know the truth if it smacked them in the face. They never did argue that if he didn’t kill her who did? In Japan, they have guilty until proven innocent. If someone didn’t do a crime, then there should be enough evidence to prove it. They argued that someone who lived on that street could have hit her so the CCTV wouldn’t show them entering the street, but if that was the case they would have been able to investigate all the cars and see that none of them had the damage that would come from hitting someone.

I don’t think everyone who reads The Sun is doomed to have a crappy life, but I think there is a correlation. I think it’s more like people who have crappy lives read The Sun. Obviously there are exceptions, but I think people who care more about the world don’t want to read The Sun. They’re interested in more important things than Amy Winehouse getting off her face. They want to read news, not gossip.

Look, just leave Jack alone. He’s mine, not yours. He’s my fiancée, so I’m the only one who should be allowed to watch him in the shower, and I’m not a pervert, so I don’t want to. Even if I did want to, I wouldn’t have to go behind his back about it.

We’re not going to be having sex in the shower either. You probably think that kind of thing is normal behaviour, but unlike you, I won’t do it with anyone anywhere, or even with Jack anywhere. Anyway, you should know that:

a) You have no idea how much it kills the mood with people watching

b) I’m not so desperate to see his body that I’d go into the bathroom while I knew he was in the shower

c) Regardless of point b), if I ever did see Jack in the shower, point a) would ensure that I didn’t join him, much less have sex with him. I wouldn’t be able to take it seriously, because all I’d be thinking was how much you were enjoying it.

We both went to the doctors’ on Friday, and long story short, I’m going on the pill. It feels kind of wrong though. I think in my heart, I do want Jack to get me pregnant, even though my brain has a list of a million reasons why it’s a bad idea. There is an upside though. We talked about it quite a bit, and there are better ways of going about it if you’re only going to be doing it a few times, so I asked Jack if that meant we were going to be doing it a lot. Then he smiled that smile at me and said ‘If you’ll let me’. I don’t think he even knows what he’s doing when he does that smile. It does nothing for my self-restraint. He asked me if that was what I wanted, and it was difficult for me to get a coherent sentence out, but it was words to the effect of yes.

I know the wedding’s not that far away, and we’ve still got so much to do, but when I start thinking about Jack and that dirty smile of his, I want the wedding to be right now, no matter how unprepared we are. I can see from that smile there’s a whole side of Jack that I haven’t seen yet, and I’m not allowed to see until after the wedding. I do respect Jack for his religion, but it’s annoying me no end right now because I know we’re both ready to do it and his religion is getting in the way. I suppose the anticipation will make it even better when the time comes though. I certainly hope so, because I’m finding it hard to say no to myself, and I think Jack is too. When we go to bed at night and he kisses me and runs his fingers up the side of my body, I can feel the moment he tells himself no, not yet, and it drives me nuts because every night he goes a bit further before he stops himself, and I’m waiting for the night he doesn’t stop.

I really can’t wait until after the wedding. Every time he touches me now it makes my heart race. The feeling of his skin against mine is amazing, and his hands aren’t enough. I want all of him, and it’s killing me the thought that I’ve got to wait three weeks for it. Yeah, I know how desperate I’m making myself sound. I feel so dirty when I think about Jack like that.

We’re working our way through the wedding preparations now, although we’ve still got loads of things more to do. We’ve got a list now, and we’re about a quarter of the way through it. We’ve got a place to hold it now, and that’s all confirmed. It’s on the 11th of October at 1pm. It’s in the Rosemount Hotel, which is about five miles away from my house. It works out quite well actually, because we’ve got the room upstairs to hold the ceremony in, then we’ve got the function room downstairs to hold the reception in, and the gardens outside will be good for taking photos in. All of Jack’s family are coming quite a way too, so we’re all staying there for the night and booking out pretty much all the rooms, and it’s tradition that the bride and groom can’t go home before they go on their honeymoon, so me and Jack are staying the night there too then leaving in the morning. You can stay the night too if you want.

I can think of better ways of celebrating our love than having everyone watch us, especially not cheering. Do you have any idea how self-conscious you’re all making me?

I’m trying not to be insulted at the fact that you’ve just implied that I have no common sense.

I’ve already got someone coming to my house before the wedding to do my hair and makeup, not that I’d let you do my makeup anyway. I’d do it myself before I let you loose on my face. Knowing you, you’d try to give me electric pink lipstick and glitter eyeshadow. I don’t want to turn up to my wedding looking like I’m going to marry a rockstar.

I need you to arrange me a hen night like I need a bullet to my brain! Damn right I wouldn’t agree to come by you asking me! And no matter what you do to try to get me there, even if it’s against my will, I’m going straight home. Anyone else, I’d appreciate the effort, but I shudder at the thought of what you think constitutes a good hen night. I can see I’m going to have to lock myself in my room the night before my wedding. Perhaps I’ll have to hire a bodyguard that night. A gay, castrated, blind bodyguard who you can’t work your influence on. I’ll have to get one for Jack too. I’d lie and say his family already have something planned for him if I thought it would stop you. I feel like I’m sticking him in it by saying they’ve got nothing planned for him (as far as I know), but I know there’s no stopping you and you’ll go ahead regardless. You’re making me nervous now. I’ll have to hope and trust that Michael can keep you under control because I can’t be there to smack you over the head when you go too far (which I know you will). I hate to say it, but the more time you spend trying to corrupt me, the less time you’ll have to try and corrupt Jack.

You’re not going to have much time to worry about me and Jack anyway, because I have a job for you. I want you to do whatever it takes to make sure Dad’s not home the morning before the wedding. I don’t think he’d care if I was getting married, but nonetheless, I don’t him home when I’m getting ready for the happiest day of my life. He’s not always home on a Saturday morning anyway, but I’m not leaving it to chance. Whoever he’s screwing, you have to make sure he doesn’t bring her home Friday night. If that means having sex with him yourself, then go ahead. I never know if he has a girlfriend or not, and his relationships are always so short him having one now doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll still be with her when the wedding comes. I’m hoping that’ll keep you busy long enough that you won’t have time for me or Jack.

See, this is why I knew I was going to regret inviting you to come to my wedding.

1. Okay, I’ll compromise with you on this one. If you behave during the ceremony (and I mean BEHAVE – no sex toys or anything), I’ll let you have sex with Michael (but nobody else, mind you), but you’ll have to go into one of the rooms. You can have the key and use that room as much as you like, but if I catch you having sex anywhere else or with anyone else, I’ll do whatever it takes to make your life hell.

2. I don’t know what kind of weddings you’ve been to before, but no, no pole dancers. You’ve shot yourself in the foot with this rule because I would have been happy before, but now you’re searching for ways around it I’m going to have to change it. Now whatever you wear has to be no more than one inch below your collarbone and no less than three inches BELOW your knee. For the moment I’ll let you wear your own clothes, but if you start taking advantage, you’ll be wearing my clothes and they’ll be trousers. Also, I probably should have thought of it before, but you’re not allowed to make your boobs any bigger than a C cup. Again, you’ve shot yourself in the foot here because I would have left it up to you before.

3. I’m not asking you to dress like a Muslim, I’m just asking you to dress normal (my normal, not yours). I’ve already covered this in rule one, but I think you should know that there’s not going to be anyone over the age of 13 who isn’t married. If you flash anyone, I swear I’ll kill you.

4. My wedding, my rules. If you can’t stick by those rules, then don’t come! You can do what you like at your own wedding, but at mine, you’re going to behave yourself.

That can’t be a good thing, you not being able to wait for it either. I know what kind of things you look forward to.

-Poppy