To: God
Re: Boredom
I don’t want everyone not to die in my next life, I want them not to die now. It might be my soul but in my next life, I won’t really be me, especially if I don’t remember any of it. I don’t care who loves me, it’s the people I love that really matter, and here and now, the one person I love is lying in a hospital bed four miles away recovering from drugs that are just prolonging the inevitable fact that he’s going to die. Jack won’t be in my next life (he’s not going to be in this life for an awful lot longer either), and I won’t be either.
It’s not so much the responsibility that I hate about being an adult, it’s how easy life was when I was a kid, at least before Mum died. There’s so much pressure when you’re an adult. I hate how quickly the world moves. I miss the days when I could play all day without having to worry about everything else that’s going elsewhere, or even little things like thinking about what I want for dinner tonight and when I should put it in the oven. The old days when it didn’t matter what day of the week it was because every day I could do whatever I wanted. Even going to school was nothing compared to what adults go through every day. Life moves so fast, before you know it, it’s over. My life used to feel like it was dragging on forever, but now I’ve got Jack, the days are disappearing so quickly. I can’t believe it’s September already. I don’t know where the last few months have gone. Every new month that comes around is another month I’ve had with Jack, and one less month I’ve got left with him. I hate having to turn over the calendar every month. I always think how many more times I’m going to do it before Jack dies. Now it’s only three at the most. I hate seeing the number of days I’ve got left with Jack written down on paper like that, seeing the days I’ve had and the days I’ve got left. It seems like no time at all.
I’m still trying to figure out what it is exactly that the EU do. All they seem concerned with is merging all the countries into one. We hear all the time how they’re trying to take things away from us that make Britain British, while at the same time making it alright for everyone to come to Britain, which everyone does, because we have a better welfare system and we pay better wages too, meaning that not only do all the welfare system start going bust, normal people can’t get jobs anywhere. They can standardise currencies and whatnot across Europe. They should standardise the minimum wage across Europe, then everyone wouldn’t rush here.
What company is realistically going to start a lottery where all the money goes to good causes? I’m sure they could work it out so they don’t lose any money at all from doing it, but it would still be taking time away from things they could actually make money on, especially if they have to go into competition with the National Lottery.
It’s hard for me to imagine a political party that have decent policies AND are nice enough for people to vote for them. People tend to vote for who’s going to benefit them before they worry about who or what else is going to benefit. That’s why the Green Party are never going to get into power.
I’ve been so bored today. Jack’s in hospital and Emily went back to school today, and I haven’t been to the library in ages so I don’t have any books to read either. I can’t even just lie in bed without Jack here. I did quite like being able to have a lie in on Sunday morning since I didn’t have to go to church with Jack, but even then I did kind of miss the little discussion that goes with getting out of bed on a Sunday morning. “Jack, remember that bit in the Bible where it says on the seventh day God rested?” I’ve been so bored today I was thinking about walking to the hospital to see Jack because I’m so bored and I miss him so much, but trust British weather to start raining when you really want the weather to be alright. If it wasn’t so far, the rain wouldn’t bother me, but four miles is way too far for me to walk in the rain. Well, that’s what Jack would say, anyway. I think it’d be worth it, but I know Jack would tell me off for it.
I don’t even have enough money to catch the bus to the hospital, even though the bus stop is almost a mile from my house, because I spent the last of my money getting the bus home from the hospital on Friday. It feels so good having that bandage off my arm again, even though I’m sure Gabriel’s been watching me in the shower every day now that I’m not having to take awkward one handed showers because I wasn’t supposed to get the bandage wet, although it does sting a little bit if I have the water as hot as I normally like it. The doctor said I had to be careful about it for a while or else I’ll end up with a scar. I’ve got a big mark on the side of my arm where I had a four inch long blister just after I did it, which is the bit that stings the most. Thinking about Gabriel watching me in the shower still makes me want to bang my head on the table, or better yet, bang her head on the table.
I saw Damien at the hospital on Friday, taking Michelle to have a scan on the baby. He looked so miserable. Michelle was getting really annoyed with him because he’s been moping around a lot lately. I spoke to him for a minute while he was waiting for Michelle to come out and he says Kirsty’s been giving him a lot of grief lately because she hasn’t seen him in over a week. If only she knew it was because his fiancée hasn’t let him out of her sight. I left just before Michelle came out because I knew there’d be an argument otherwise, but I could hear from the other end of the corridor when Michelle smacked him across the head when he wasn’t doing a very good job of trying to sound like he cared about the baby. It sounded painful. There’s something inside me that wants to feel sorry for him, but then when I was waiting outside for visiting hours to start so I could go see Jack, I was sorting through my phone and found that photo of him Gabriel took and had a quiet chuckle to myself. That photo makes me want to feel sorry for him too, but it makes me want to laugh more than it makes me want to feel sorry for him.
Gabriel, some morals are relative, others are absolute. I can’t think of any situation in which homicide would be right, any more than I can think of a situation in which watching someone in the shower who has specifically asked you I don’t know how many times to stop now is the right thing to do. I wish there was something I could do to annoy you like you’re annoying to give you a taste of your own medicine. I’m bored enough, I think I’ll have to rip page three out of Dad’s newspaper (not that the Sun is really a newspaper, it’s more of a gossippaper) and start drawing clothes on them or something. Then again, as much as I’d enjoy annoying you, I know Dad would notice that page missing, and I don’t want to get into any conversation with him, especially one involving naked people (or the lack thereof).
You complain about humans and the way they are, but there are so many things you say that make you sound like you could be human. Your ‘moral code’ is exactly the way I think most people think. There are still some Christian things I stick by, like do unto others as you would have them do unto you, but I think that would probably make it worse if you were going to do that. You sick girl, I expect you’d like it if I was to watch you in the shower.
Heh, psychiatrists. I wonder what they’d have to say about you.
Of course you think it’s fun to watch people in the shower, and of course you think everyone thinks it is, given the type of people I imagine you associate with. Not everyone is as twisted as you.
I watched The Truman Show the other night. Have you ever seen that film? (or is that a stupid question? There’s no sex in it) I feel like it’s my life all over. It makes me feel so self-conscious thinking that people are watching me all the time, even when I’m supposedly alone. There’s certainly enough drama in my life. My life always seems to switch between mind-crushing boredom and mind-crushing drama. I lie there in bed in the morning wondering how many angels are watching me there and then. I’ve sat here today thinking there can hardly be anyone watching me. I can’t imagine me being bored is very entertaining to watch.
Only you could look at what I was wearing at the beach and think it needed to be more revealing. I do have a bikini in my drawer, not that I’d wear it now. That would be like asking you to watch me. You were lucky to get me in my two piece. I was just going to wear t-shirt and shorts, but it was totally worth the thought of you watching me just to have Jack with no shirt on.
If I had money to buy clothes, they’d be less revealing, not more. It’s getting to the point now where I think twice before I wear sleeveless tops.
-Poppy
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