To: God
Re: Uncertainty
Spending my life with the people I love would be a decent use of my life, but that gets messed up every time. I hate my life and not being able to know what’s going to happen in six months’ time. I hate how much uncertainty there is in my life. My life story could have been written by Shakespeare, because it always seems to end in tragedy. People like to watch it, but it sucks for the people involved.
I don’t want to be an adult. What I wouldn’t give to be 8 years old again. When I was 8 was the best time of my life. It’s the only time I can remember being happy for a proper length of time. Life never used to be this complicated. No dying boyfriends and exes texting and phoning me to get away from their fiancés. Damien phones me almost every day now, but I don’t answer it unless Jack isn’t there, so it’s not often. Damien still doesn’t know about Jack dying. I don’t want to tell him. It hurts to say, and I’m sure Damien will see it as a spark of hope for him.
You know as well as I do the world will never run on reason and love. I wish it did, but it’s just not the government’s way. Not the proper way, anyway. There’s no love in the government apart from love for money and power, and reason only comes into play when they’re trying to figure out the best way they can fleece money out of people or what to tax. Unity will never happen either. Even when they start things like the EU and the UN and any other acronym, they start getting stupid about it. The keyword is union, so why are the EU being so stupid about how one country is allowed in and another isn’t. It’s a union of European countries, right? So why should one European country be allowed in and not another?
Of course nobody’s going to stop buying lottery tickets, there’s obscene amounts of money to be won! Normal people love money almost as much as the government does. That’s how it all works. The government make money out of the lottery, the lottery make a huge profit while giving the impression of helping good causes to encourage people to buy more tickets, because there’s a one in a billion chance they could hit the jackpot. No wonder Richard Branson’s bid to buy the lottery and give all the takings to good causes was refused. How would the government make money from that?
As if the government would ever bring in a law where sellers had to tell their buyers their profit margins. Sellers would start charging less so customers like them for their low profit margins, and that would mean they had less money coming in from VAT!
I don’t know if it’s actually the government going that way, or whether it’s just me getting older and more aware and they’ve always been that way, but the government seem to be getting worse by the day. I swear they never used to be as bad as they are now.
The next generation is never going to change. By the time one generation is ready to change the next, they’re already too far gone to do anything. Maybe one day, if I have kids (not that I can see me ever having kids at the moment), I might teach them differently, but that’s just my kids. Nobody else will teach their kids any different, and it’s impossible for the next generation to change the world when the current generation is running it. By the time the next generation get the chance to run the world, they have already been corrupted and continue to run the world the way their parents did.
Well, you don’t have to worry about me and Jack. We’re not going to get married, as much as I wish we could. It wouldn’t change anything between us anyway. Neither of us could love the other more, and it seems a bit pointless to me now. If it wasn’t for Jack dying, marriage would be my dream, but it only lasts so long. Til death us do part. When I look at my life now, there’s only one really unbearable thing in it, and that’s Jack dying. If someone could wave a magic wand and stop Jack dying, I’d be able to live with the rest, because Jack makes me so happy I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I can’t. That’s what I think about every second of every day. When I’m with Jack, I’m so happy I can just about ignore it because I’m enjoying myself enough, but then when I’m alone I get like I am now and start getting upset and wound up at little things like the government and how Jack said he’d come down to my place in 20 minutes and it’s been 22 minutes now. That’s why every message I write is so pessimistic and depressing, because I can’t write it while Jack’s with me. The world doesn’t seem so bad when Jack’s here.
I’m looking forward to and dreading this Friday. On the plus side, I’m getting my bandage taken off, which I can’t wait for because it’s been irritating me so much now, but Jack’s going in for chemo again, which means I have to spend another week without him. Even if I stay with him at the hospital all day Friday, there’s still a whole six days without him. I barely have time to get over missing him for a week and then the next thing I know another three weeks have gone and he’s going back into chemo again. I don’t know where this summer has gone. The most amazing summer of my life, but it’s just gone. I suppose it’s better than next week though. Emily’s going back to school next week, and Jack’s mum teaches at the college, so she’s not going to be here during the day either. It’s going to just be me and Jack home alone (although I will tell you I’ve just broken into an involuntary smile at that thought, but I don’t know why).
I’ve just finished speaking to Damien, I think he’s figured out what time of day I’m most likely to be away from Jack and so most likely to answer my phone. Michelle’s really enjoying planning this wedding by the sound of it, and Damien’s absolutely hating it. Michelle wants to get married on Valentine’s day. She’d have it sooner, but she wants to be able to lose the weight she’ll have gained from having this baby. It almost makes me want to feel sorry for Damien, although I know he’s getting everything he deserves now.
Gabriel, that’s not a moral code. Moral codes have morals in them! Even Damien has more morals than that! I honestly can’t believe some of the things you come out with sometimes.
If we were going by human standards, you’re not nice at all. People have been put in jail for considerably less than what you’re doing to me. The more I tell you to stop watching me in the shower, the more fun you think it is. You’re the whole reason I never have a bath instead any more and don’t bother with conditioner like I used to either.
That doesn’t make sense to me. How did the angel of war manage to turn into a nice guy while the angel of trout is a right…I don’t have a word to describe him that isn’t a swear word.
500,000?!?!?!? I was expecting you to say a few hundred at the most. That really is getting uncomfortable now. Sometimes I probably wouldn’t mind, but there are other times I just want some privacy. Do you people have nothing better to do? Isn’t watching me and Jack kiss all day getting boring by now? I guess I can at least count on the fact that you were watching me when we went to the beach on Monday.
If you were that great, you’d know when to stop.
-Poppy
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