To: God
Re: 'Great' Britain
I used to trust that the Bible was going to help me through life, since I’m not known for making good decisions. The Bible practically raised me, since I didn’t have any parents to do it, and even when Mum was there, the Bible was a big part of my life. After Mum died, Dad was never going to make any decisions for me (I remember when the school called Dad in after Mum died when I was failing at school, and they said they wanted to hold me back a year. I don’t think he could have cared less about what they wanted to do with me). Once Mum died, I had so much responsibility thrust onto me, responsibility I wasn’t ready for, and I still can’t handle most of it now. I was thrown in at the deep end, and I still haven’t managed to make my way to the surface yet. I know, it’s probably a terrible excuse, but I never really learnt how to be responsible and make my own decisions.
The problem is, everyone is so selfish, very few of the goals people have can be integrated into society, because society is capitalistic and repressive, and because their goals are greedy and selfish. Very few people see past society to figure out what they really want, and even then, their goals are impossible. I look at myself. I don’t know what I really want out of life, I just know I want to be happy. If I was put in a room with two buttons, one that would make me happy and another one that would make there be world peace, and I could only press one, I honestly don’t know which button I’d press. There’s one side of me that would say world peace hands down, but then there’s another part of me, probably the more dominant part, that would want to press the button that would make me happy. I like to think I’d press the world peace button, but I don’t have that faith in myself. After my life so far, I think I’d press the happiness button. I’m a minority there too – I expect most people would press the happiness button straight away without a thought about the world peace button. That’s just the way humanity is. Although people do have humanity’s interests at heart, they’re nothing compared to their own interests.
Wouldn’t surprise me if they did make pigs that could fly one day, and they’d probably spend millions doing it too, despite the fact there are so many good causes out there that could really use the money, but no, pigs that fly would be so much more important. Me and Jack were watching the news last night, and they were talking about the Olympics and saying how much lottery money has gone into it and how it’s helped us win more medals. Yeah, medals are great, but this is money that could have gone to good causes! Money that was supposed to go to good causes. They were saying how so many years ago, they spent 6 million pounds of lottery money on the Olympics, and they came back with hardly any medals. This year, they spent 22 million and look how many medals they’ve won! In 2012, they plan on spending 600 million (yes, this is on top of the billions they’ve spent in taxpayer’s money building the Olympic village). Yeah, great, we’re winning medals, but do they have any idea how much difference 600 million could make to so many people’s lives? It makes me feel sick. The Lottery has a pretty twisted idea of what constitutes a good cause (there was an article in the paper a while ago about how Lottery money has gone to help people in prison learn to play the xylophone and do painting or something), but they do find some genuine causes too.
The Olympics get on my nerves too, and how all of a sudden they’re the best thing since sliced bread because we’re winning this year (thanks to 22 million pounds that could have been spent on much better things than teaching youngsters to jump over a bar and to run faster). Yesterday’s Daily Mail actually made me laugh. On the front page, written in the biggest font size I’ve ever seen in a newspaper, the words ‘Great to be British!’ because we won 8 gold medals over the weekend. Then you open the paper, and wonder if it really is great to be British based on the headlines. Page 2 talks about how witness intimidation is on the rise, page 4 is about how life saving drugs are being made too expensive by fat cat bosses and how some politician faces the sack for suggesting that obscenely rich people should pay more tax, then there’s four whole pages about the Olympics, with Paula Radcliffe in floods of tears because she didn’t win, after that on page 10, a bitch fight between unions and companies about maternity leave, page 11 has councils skimping on rubbish collections. Further on in, there’s all sorts of things – CCTV spying on kids in their classrooms, knife crime claims two more people, more credit crunch, companies ripping off customers by charging the same price for smaller products, Terry Pratchett speaking out because the government is so tight they won’t pay £2.50 a day to save people with Alzheimer’s from not being able to live their lives, oh look, more credit crunch, the government ripping off motorists on two pages in a row in two separate articles, baby saved by caesarean after mother was battered by a gang, people eating too much junk, and I’m still only half way through the newspaper. Is it still great to be British? Or is this some new definition of ‘great’ that I wasn’t aware of?
Oh look at me, I’m so easy to wind up. I’m probably making up for all the other people who don’t care.
I wish people of different religions could be more accepting of each other, rather than trying to convert each other and starting wars on each other. The thing I find most sad about it all is how these terrorists are making regular Muslims look really bad. A minority is spoiling it for the majority. I did pretty good in GCSE RS, since I only had to pay attention to the Islam parts because I knew all the Christianity parts already, and I know that nowhere in the Koran does it say that it’s alright to kill. The problem is that extremists have twisted their religion to their own purposes and now they believe that not only is it okay to kill, Allah has commanded them to murder everyone in the west and they’ll go to Paradise if they do so. I also know that Muslim women don’t have to wear the burkha and cover everything - normal clothes are fine as long as they’re not too tight and they wear a headscarf with it, but Muslim women still wear the burkha and then complain when they are alienated and not accepted by society. You can’t integrate if you never show anyone your face. Even I have trouble thinking about Muslim women as actual people when they dress like that, and I think I’m a lot more accepting than the majority of people. Then all the Muslims complain about how society sees them, uses it as an excuse to bomb more people, then people are even more alienated from them because all of their friends have been killed by members of what should have been a relatively peaceful religion, and the cycle goes on.
People are so different, we’ll never have one mind and one purpose. Everyone is so selfish, everyone aims for that, and since everyone else has different things that make them happy (although they usually involve money in some capacity), it all goes wrong. I totally agree with what you said about pollution. I’m sure a lot of people would stop polluting if companies and the government didn’t make it so difficult and impossible in some cases. They have electric cars that don’t pollute at all, but the oil companies don’t want to release them. Public transport cuts pollution quite a bit, but buses are few and far between, they’re always cutting the number of services there are while charging more for tickets (probably because the government aren’t doing much to help the price of fuel), and the situation with trains isn’t much better because most people have to get a bus to the train station. It’s not in the government’s interests to really do anything in this situation, because it all costs money, while a clean, healthy environment isn’t going to bring them in any money. Okay, so people might get diseases due to pollution, but the cost of treating those people isn’t even close to the amount of money it would cost to clean up the environment.
I’ve never met anyone else even remotely like Jack. If there is someone out there, they’re certainly well hidden. It just feels wrong right now to be thinking of someone else, since I can’t see how anyone can replace Jack. Jack is just perfect. I couldn’t love him any more than I do. I can’t imagine being able to feel that way about anyone else after Jack is gone.
I’d notice if Dad left. I dream of the day. I probably wouldn’t notice as much now since I’ve been sleeping at Jack’s house, since it’s at night I really notice his presence (he’s been bringing home the same woman every night for three weeks now, screwing the hell out of her every night. I hear them sometimes and just want to shout ‘Shut up! Don’t you have work tomorrow?’. That’s why it’s Jack’s house every night now. It’s a shame, because there’s a double bed in the spare room which would be perfect, but I don’t want to bring Jack here while Dad’s home). I made sure there was enough food in the house to last Dad the week and took the rest of the money I would have spent on my own food to London with me. If I hadn’t done that, I’m sure he’d notice me not there, or at least he’d notice that there was no food in the cupboards. I don’t think he did notice me gone, because I noticed the dishwasher hadn’t been used at all since I’d gone, since I’m normally the one to turn it on. He normally just piles up his dishes inside and waits for me to decide it’s full enough to turn it on. He knows very well how to use it, but leaves it to me. If he had noticed me not there, he would have turned it on.
I heard from Damien yesterday. He was on MSN and I kind of had a go at him because he was really trying my patience, but he’s going to marry Michelle, and Kirsty still doesn’t know anything about Michelle. Seriously, that guy has no morals at all. Kirsty’s the one I feel sorry for in all of this. She has no idea. I was like that for a long time, probably longer than I’d like to think. I can’t understand Michelle. I don’t know how she can find out about Damien cheating and think marrying him is the answer. Does she think that’s going to keep him any more faithful? I can’t see their marriage lasting long. Damien told me he hates Michelle. Not the best foundation for a marriage. I told him marriage is supposed to be for life, but he’s too much of a coward to stand up to Michelle. Apparently, all Michelle talks about now is the wedding and she’d cut his nuts off at the very least if he even suggested that the wedding was off. I told him that was something I’d pay good money to see. It descended into bickering after that point, but I look back and read that conversation now, and I realise I was totally to blame for that. He actually wanted to talk to me, and all I did was have a go at him. I feel like I should apologise, but I don’t want to let him know I feel bad about it because he’ll keep coming back if I do.
No Gabriel, the right and proper thing to do would be to stop. If you leave me with anyone else, even if it’s not Camael, I’ll have to ask them to hit you because I know you well enough by now to know that you wouldn’t stop, even if you weren’t specifically saying you were doing anything. For your sake, don’t leave me with Raphael.
Don’t leave me with Gavreel. I can’t remember what he’s the angel of, but I remember Camael telling me about him once to demonstrate that there were worse angels than Raphael (and I find it hard to imagine how anyone can be worse than Raphael). I’m really trying to be happy at the moment, and I’m really sensitive when surrounded by negativity. I don’t need it to be made any harder than it already is.
Getting pretty close? Just how many people are watching me? It’s starting to get uncomfortable now.
One tenth would be considered nice – that means 90% of you are horrible. You can say that about humans, but it’s not much different to you. All humans seem to be worried about is getting what they want and don’t worry about anyone else, and it’s the same with you. I still get angry just thinking about Raphael, and you still won’t stop watching me no matter what I say. You say all the human race concentrates on is their chance to screw everyone over, but all you worry about is your chance to just screw with them, as opposed to screwing over.
I did miss you while you were gone though. In a strange way, you cheer me up.
-Poppy
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