Saturday, December 20, 2008

To: God
Re: The most wonderful time of the year

I completely agree with you about Damien. I’m so worried about him. I went into town the other day (I really didn’t want to go and leave Jack, but he’d had run out of painkillers and there was nobody else home who could get them) and saw Damien out Christmas shopping with Michelle and Chelsea. I was watching Damien so closely, I was sure he was going to blow his top any second. Every time Michelle said something I could see Damien holding back a dozen nasty words and comebacks. Sometimes he couldn’t help himself and had to let them out under his breath. I wanted to go up and talk to him, but I didn’t think it was a good idea while Michelle was there, and I was uncomfortable being away from Jack for so long, especially when he was at home on his own.

From the amount of presents Michelle was buying Chelsea for Christmas, you’d really think Michelle cared! Of course, Damien was the one who had to push the pram, with all the shopping bags hung over the handles too. I was waiting for it to topple backwards with all the weight. I’m glad it didn’t happen though, I’m sure Michelle would have gone absolutely ballistic. Damien texted me when he saw me across the street, told me that all these presents were being paid for with the money that was supposed to be for the wedding, and she’d be complaining after Christmas about where it had all gone. And it’s even sadder that Damien’s expected to go out and buy presents for Michelle too, but she’s not buying him anything. She’s not even letting him out of her sight to let him buy any presents either! I don’t think Damien minds much on that front though, he doesn’t want to buy her presents anyway.

I can’t imagine that it’s going to be that much longer before something happens with Damien. At least, I hope it’s not. I can see when Damien’s with Michelle he always looks like he’s ready to either cry or kill her. I’m scared that one day he’s really going to lose it and he is going to do something drastic like that.

I guess I’ll just never understand the way angels think. I find it difficult to understand the mentality you’d have to have to think that handcuffing someone almost naked to a lamppost on the morning of their wedding then bringing them home and going back on a promise you made would be the best way to help someone. I know it would be so easy to just think that all’s well that ends well, but I can’t work that way.

I do appreciate what Gabriel did for me, I’ve really needed my dad recently, but there were still other ways she could have got me and him talking.

Things are getting really difficult with Jack now, even more than before. The nurse comes to the house every day now, and every day she tells Jack he should be in hospital, but he always refuses. He doesn’t want to go into hospital and be away from me, and I don’t want that either. It’s so difficult to be with him though, he can’t do anything on his own. The cancer is still spreading through his body, it’s going through his stomach now. He can hardly eat anything. It’s getting to the point now where I wonder whether he’ll starve to death before the cancer can finish him off. He’s on less than 200 calories a day, according to the nurse, but he just can’t bring himself to eat any more. After only a few bites of anything he’s full and out of breath. He keeps getting terrible headaches too. They say the cancer might even be in his brain now too. They can’t tell without doing the proper scans, but they think so. Jack refuses to go to hospital to have it checked, but all the signs are there. The headaches he gets all the time, and sometimes he even forgets things he said two minutes ago. I hate seeing him like this, he’s in almost constant pain, but at the same time I can’t bear to be without him. And the worst part of it all is that I know one day very soon, in the next week or so according to what the nurse has said, I am going to be without him, and I’m going to be without him forever.

Last week was a marked first for me. The 10th of December was the anniversary of when my mum died, and I didn’t visit her grave. I really wanted to, but I couldn’t tear myself away from Jack, and Dad told me not to go. He said Mum’s already dead, and I haven’t got that much time left with Jack, I should make the most of what time I’ve got left. I don’t think Mum would be happy me being away from Jack now either.

It was Jack’s birthday on the 17th. I wish it was a happy one. He wouldn’t even let me buy him a present, he said he won’t be around to enjoy it for that long. I know that, but I still wish I could have got him something, it felt wrong that it was his birthday and I couldn’t give him a present. He said being with me was his present, I didn’t leave his side once that day. We even had a bath together. It felt so brilliant, it’s been so long since we’ve done anything like that. We really wanted to have a shower together, but he can barely stand up now, he couldn’t have stood up in the shower for long enough with me. We were in the bath for hours. We even had to keep putting more hot water in because it was getting cold, we were in there that long. I think it must have been about two and a half hours.

I can’t stand seeing Jack like he is. I asked Dad about it, I know he’s seen someone die of this before, but he said that Angela never got like this, the cancer had already killed her long before this point. I try not to talk about it with Dad now, I don’t want to know that. I know Jack’s on death’s door, but to think he should already be through it is horrible. I’m so thankful for every hour I get with him now, even if he is spending it in almost constant pain. I wish there was something I could do to make the pain go away though, it’s horrible.

It’s so difficult for me to imagine what my life is going to be like without Jack. I hate thinking about it, but I know it’s coming very soon. Every second he’s here, I just want to sit and stare at him and take in every detail of him while I still can, the thought of him not being there is horrible. I’m trying to prepare myself for it, but I don’t think I’m doing a very good job.

I hope Jack manages to last through Christmas, I won’t be able to bear it if he doesn’t. All the time I keep seeing things on TV and all over the place, all these happy family films about how Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, but it’s not. I hate it. There’s only one thing I want for Christmas and that’s Jack, and every second makes it seem more and more unlikely that I’m going to have him.

Jack really wanted to go to church over Christmas, but he can’t even get downstairs without huge amounts of help. There’s no way he’s going to church, and he’s definitely not driving there.

Gabriel, that’s really sick and sadistic, even by your standards.

Oh yeah, the government really need those big lunches and taxi rides everywhere and flash cars. Never mind that the rest of the country is in economic crisis or the NHS is severely underfunded or any of that. The government do need that money, they’re just not putting it into the things that really matter. Well, things that really matter to anyone but themselves.

Oh sorry, forgive me. You may find this hard to believe but I don’t watch much porn. Still, if it’s basically videos of people having sex, surely people are going to learn from that? Especially if it’s watched by the kind of sad pathetic losers who have to watch porn because they can’t get a real girl to do things with. Porn is disgusting and immoral, there’s no need for it.

I can revisit the memories without having to watch it on TV. Even if I could get over the disgusting element of it, I don’t know if I’d want to see Jack like that. It’s so different to how he is now. It would hurt to see him like he used to be again.

I’m not going to enjoy watching videos of you stripping for people. Never will. Say what you like, it’s not going to happen. You know, there was actually one bit I decided to watch because you were actually wearing clothes, but I gave up on that one once it got to the part where you and Michael were swapping clothes and you were saying how Michael should wear skirts more often because it makes him easier to get access to, I couldn’t watch any more.

There’s more to life than just having fun. Yeah, sex is a lot of fun, but that’s the problem. It’s so much fun people just do it and forget the consequences until it’s too late. The world is getting into a pretty big mess because of it all, because people don’t control themselves and use the proper precautions.

I give up trying to argue with you about Jack and his dad, I don’t have the energy. Jack’s so happy his dad is here and things are cool between them now. I’m glad he’s here too, and his mum. I wish I could do everything for Jack 24 hours a day, but sometimes it gets too much for me and I have to sleep. I try to sleep at the same time as Jack so I don’t feel like I’m missing too much, but it’s not always possible.

I can’t imagine how anyone else will ever be able to replace Jack. Nobody else will ever feel to me like they’re worthy after Jack, Jack is absolutely perfect. He’s the most brilliant guy in the world.

I’m not watching those DVDs, it’s sick. I’ll just take your word for it.

It’s going to be a long time before you see me happy again. It’s impossible with this whole situation with Jack. Why did it have to be Christmas time? Any other time of year but now. All this happy Christmas stuff is doing my head in. It’s not a happy Christmas for me at all. Then again, Christmas hasn’t been a happy time for me for years now, it’s nothing new. Dad went out and bought a Christmas tree this year and put it all up himself. Normally that responsibility falls on me, but things are different this year. Normally it’s a miracle if Dad’s home for Christmas at all, or if he is home there’s someone else with him. If he hadn’t have bothered with the decorations this year, there’s no way I would have. It’s not just time, I’ve barely been home at all with Jack the way he is. It’s been a good few days since I’ve been home at all. Every now and then there’s something I need to get, but I try and last as long as possible without it. I hate having to leave Jack.

Things don’t count when people are drunk, it’s not the real them you’re seeing. There’s no way you’d have gotten me pole dancing without being drunk, and the only reason I enjoyed it was because I was with you. Weird things happen to my head when I’m around you. As for the underwear issue, I’m not passing comment on that.

I’d give everything I have just to have Christmas day with my husband. I love him so much. It’s not fair. My first Christmas with my husband shouldn’t have to be my last, and even then it’s constantly in the balance whether I’m even going to get that. Come on Jack, please. You can last 5 more days, right?


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