Saturday, December 06, 2008

To: God
Re: Downturn

I’m beginning to wonder if Damien really is capable of saying no to Michelle. I know if it was me in his position I probably would have cracked months ago, but then I don’t think I would have let it go so far in the first place. He’s starting to scare me now, I’m so worried for him. I’m worried for Chelsea, and Michelle too a little bit, although I know she deserves what’s coming to her. I can hear in Damien’s voice when he’s on the phone that he’s so close to breaking point, and I’m worried what he’s going to do when he gets there. I think he’s getting to the point now where he’s more angry at Michelle than his general situation, and he’s starting to know now what he has to do to change it, but I’m worried he might not be able to control himself and he’s going to do something that he’ll really regret later. I saw him lose it once before, but I was there to stop him. This time I might not be there and he could end up doing something terrible.

Of course, I know it’s going to get worse now. Now he’s not at college, I expect it’ll only be a matter of time before she starts nagging him to get a job. He doesn’t have the energy for a job, and now he’s dropped out of college he’s not qualified to even get the job he wants. I wonder if that’ll break him. Then again, a job might be just what he needs to get away from Michelle. At least that way with Damien out of the house, Michelle would have to look after Chelsea.

I feel so sorry for Chelsea. Poor little thing, she can’t do anything for herself and relies on everyone else to help her, but nobody wants to do it for her. I feel so sorry for her. She’s such a beautiful baby. It’s horrible being taken into care, but I don’t think she’d be much better off with her parents. I wonder how Damien and Michelle would react if something like that did happen. I think Damien would probably be overjoyed, but Michelle could make his life hell afterwards, I expect she’d blame him.

Right now Damien’s using the excuse that he never goes on Facebook any more. I don’t think Michelle knows about his Bebo page. I wonder how long that can last. I just hope he can end it between him and his girlfriends before they have to find out through Facebook, or else it’s going to get ugly. If he just had the courage to do it, he could do it without them even having to know about each other. I’ve told him this, but he’s too tired to listen.

Gabriel doesn’t HAVE to find a perverted way of being compassionate. There are ways she could have done it without having to lap dance for Jack or tie us up almost naked to a lamppost. You might think she was watching us to make sure nobody else saw us, I call it perving. There was NO reason she had to tie us to that lamppost, and she especially didn’t have to take our clothes off. She could also have gotten Jack to talk to his dad without having to lap dance for him. She has her excuses, but I know it’s rubbish.

I’m used to being on my own, I have been most of my life. This wouldn’t have been the first death I had to get over without anyone there for me. I think I get over things better on my own. That’s what I’m used to now. I’m not used to telling other people how I feel, and even less used to having people listen. I’m glad he’s there though to listen to me, he’s been there for me this week. I don’t know if I’d have been able to bear this week without Dad there.

Jack’s health now, it’s reached rock bottom. Saturday night we were in Jack’s bed, he managed to get up the energy to do it with me, but half way through he just collapsed on top of me in pain. He couldn’t move. We called the doctor and we went to the hospital with him and it turned out Jack’s spine had fractured. The cancer has spread so far throughout his body it’s gone in his bones now too, his spine was so weak it just cracked. It was so weak the doctor said it almost split in two. Then it all came out, the day before the wedding, Jack was in hospital longer than usual for chemotherapy, but I was so happy and busy with the wedding and the honeymoon I never asked him why, but he now told me he was having x-rays on his spine. The doctors had told him not to put any pressure on it, and sex was out of the question for him, they wanted to keep him in hospital for a few more days, but Jack wasn’t going to miss the wedding and discharged himself and then had sex I don’t know how many times with me on the honeymoon, when he knew his spine could break at any time. I don’t know what we would have done if it had happened when we were in America. I told him he shouldn’t have been having sex with me if he knew that, but he just smiled back at me and told me he’d never have been able to not do it. I know he’s right though, even with the risk of breaking his back, it was worth it. Still, that’s the end of it all now, no more sex for us. He can’t even sit up on his own. They’ve given him a back brace now to hold his spine in place, but that’s all they’re doing. Every time Jack moves he’s in pain. They could easily fix his back with an operation, but the NHS won’t do it, they say he could die any day now, his pain doesn’t mean anything to them. Jack’s dad was going to pay for him to go private, the operation is so quick, it basically involves injecting his spine with a special bone cement to fix the spine and fill the cavity the cancer has made, but Jack won’t do it. He’s terrified if he goes into hospital they won’t let him out again. When we got home from the hospital in the early hours of Monday morning, we took Jack straight to bed and he cried to me and made me promise I wasn’t ever going to let them make him die in hospital, and I had to be there when he died, he wants me to be the last thing he sees. I know it’s getting serious for him now, he didn’t want to talk about his death before, but he’s been talking about it more and more recently, all the stuff I don’t want to talk about, like his funeral. I can’t bear to talk about it with him. I don’t want Jack to tell me how much pain he’s in either, I don’t want to know. Now though, he can’t hide it any more, he winces every time he has to move. I understand why he wanted to keep it all from me though, I worry enough about him as it is. I’m happier not knowing. Ignorance is bliss as they say, although I wish I could be blissful with Jack like he is. We’ve got the nurse coming to Jack’s house twice a week now to check up on him, but as it goes on it could be more and more, maybe even every day. Jack hates it though, he wants everything to be normal, but it can’t be normal when he can hardly move. He can’t even reach over to kiss me. He’s completely bedridden, he can’t even get out of bed to eat, and it’s such a struggle when he has to get out to go to the toilet. I lie there in bed with him all day, both of us with no clothes on, enjoying being warm in bed with each other, but it’s so irritating at the same time to not be able to do the things we want. Jack can’t even hug me properly, all he can do is lie flat on his back, and I can’t lie on top of him because it would put pressure on his spine. It’s so horrible. I know the best times between us are gone now. He’s sentenced to die, and I’m sentenced to watch it. I can’t stand it. Every day brings us one day closer to the most awful day of my life, and the end of Jack’s. every morning when I wake up I wonder if today will be the day, and I know one day very soon it will be. I know Jack feels it too. He always wants to touch and kiss me as much as he can and get the most out of every second we have. I can feel how scared he is. Not just for himself, but for me too. We both have a pretty good idea of what will happen to me when he’s gone. He’s been talking to me a lot about it. He wants me to promise I’ll find someone else who’ll make me happy after he dies, but that’s not a promise I’m going to make. Nobody will ever be able to replace Jack.

See, what can I learn from my own events? Getting involved with people always seems to end in heartbreak. The only solution is to not get involved. I used to think it was all worth it, but my heart feels like its being crushed, and Jack hasn’t even died yet.

Getting out of bed on a Sunday morning has gone now too. I don’t miss going to church at all, but Jack feels bad not being well enough to be able to go, and that makes me feel bad. When we’re lying in bed at night and he thinks I’m asleep, I hear him praying, and I can hear in his voice that he’s crying. He always talks about me, praying that I’ll be alright when he’s gone, but I have no hope on that front. I’m not alright now, and he’s still here.

How can anyone make the choice to do something like that? To think of doing something like that to your own child. The thought is horrendous.

Gabriel, having your head chopped off is too easy. Think about terrorists. They’d just think that either way they’re going to die, so they might as well murder us all before they get caught. Regardless of what’s going on with the economy and all that, doesn’t mean morals should go out the window. Oh, and the economy. Is it just me who doesn’t understand? The government and the country are going through tough times and all, not enough money coming in, so the solution? Cut VAT to 15%. Nice to know the government are actually capable of cutting taxes and not just putting them up, but is 2.5% going to make that much difference? All it means is a few measly pennies come off of things, while it’s millions the government aren’t having when they don’t have enough money as it is to do things like give Jack the operation he needs to be able to live what’s left of his life. People aren’t going to go out and buy more because of the few pennies coming off of the price of things. Even if you spend £100, all you save is £2.50. It must be costing the economy more on all this money businesses are spending to implement the new VAT rate. It’s false economy.

All the reasons you listed are perfectly good reasons for why pornography is a BAD business to get into. Having sex with loads of people isn’t a good thing, if guys want to see women’s bodies they should go out and get a girlfriend, and any money you earn is filthy money. Porn pretty much says to people “This is how it’s done, so go out and do it”, when that’s not how it should be done at all, especially not with a stranger. Pornography has no place in civilised society.

I can remember the good old times in my head, I don’t need DVDs of us having sex. I don’t want to watch DVDs of anyone having sex, especially not me and Jack. I don’t want to know what we looked like, it takes the magic away.

I actually tried watching the DVD you sent me of the wedding, I wanted to see it, but I gave up after the “few scenes” of you stripping. I started off trying to wind past those parts, but I gave up when it got to the point where for every minute of the wedding there was there was 15 minutes of you. The scene of you with Michael and five other guys in bed was what made me stop.

Marriage is about showing your undying love for someone. Not wanting to get married is like admitting that you don’t really love them that much. If you really love someone, then marriage is the natural thing to do. How long have you and Michael been together now?

Sex with strangers purely for fun creates an awful lot of problems, and all for a few moments of pleasure. All those STDs going around and unplanned pregnancies, it and things end up happening like Damien has right now. All that could be avoided if people could just learn to control themselves.

What, so Jack and his dad being related didn't count as a common starting point?!?

I define good taste as just about the total opposite of what you just described. There’s more to life than sex. A lot of people think sex is the most important thing though, and that causes a lot of the problems there are today.

Gabriel, you’re really taking this too far! It’s bad enough that you’re watching, without recording DVDs and making comments about me when I’m having an orgasm. There’s not going to be any more though. Possibly ever. My life might as well end with Jack’s for everything I can see happening afterwards…

…Do I really?

You won’t be surprised then when I don’t believe that you really had my best interests at heart when you taught me to pole dance or handcuffed me and my husband to a lamppost practically naked hours before our wedding.

Well, I’ve got nothing else to say. Jack’s asleep in bed behind me. The painkillers the doctors have given him make him sleep, and he was sleeping loads before. Now he spends more time sleeping than awake. I love him so so much, but I can only spend so many hours in bed watching him sleep. I can’t bear it. I want to be able to stay up in bed until the early hours of the morning like we always used to. Being happy together, not me sitting here on my own watching him sleeping through the last days of his life.


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