Friday, October 10, 2008


To: God
Re: Life and Living


That’s really the impression I’m getting from Damien now about Michelle – anything for a quiet life. He does just agree with whatever Michelle says just to shut her up, and it’s getting harder for him to say no to her, even when it’s something he feels strongly about.

I feel like I’ve broken Damien now. I think I’ve ruined the chances of him splitting up with Michelle, because I’ve told him I’m getting married, and now he feels like there’s no reason for him to split up with Michelle. I saw that Saturday night, but I’ll get onto that in a minute, I’ve got some other stuff to say first.

I know how Jack feels about his dad. That’s pretty much the way I feel about my dad. There’s no way I want my dad there, so I can’t really blame Jack for not wanting his dad there either. I don’t want to imagine what Gabriel’s got in mind, but I’ll just say I’ll kill her if she does anything to upset Jack. I’m sure it’s not going to be the only thing I’ll want to kill her over, either.

It’s different when Gabriel watches me to when anyone else watches. With anyone else, I could be happy they were sharing in my joy, but with Gabriel, it’s perverted. I know she couldn’t watch me being happy trying on my wedding dress, all she’d be concentrating on was me taking my clothes off. I hate it, I can’t do anything without worrying how Gabriel’s watching me.

Believe me, I am really worried about my hen night now. I’m dreading it.

Well, I said I was going to talk about Saturday night. What a night it was. I’m still getting over it. It was Damien’s birthday on Saturday and he phoned me that evening to ask if I wanted to meet up somewhere. I wasn’t sure if it was really a good idea, but I’m not heartless enough to say no on his birthday, and I was so bored with Jack away in hospital, so it didn’t take much persuasion.

I wasn’t really in the mood for pubbing and clubbing, and it shocked me that Damien wasn’t either. He really isn’t a happy person right now, and Saturday night didn’t make that any better. We’d agreed to meet up by the entrance to the park about ten minutes from my house. I was walking, even though he’d offered to pick me up in his car, but we wanted to go to the park since we only intended to talk, and we wanted somewhere quiet to do that. I was a bit late getting there by the time I managed to tear myself away from Emily. Not that late though, five minutes at the most, but you should have seen his smile when I got there. He thought I was going to stand him up. He told me that getting to see me was the best birthday present he’d had, and I knew he meant that too. I could feel he was unsure of how to handle himself around me, not wanting to do anything to upset me. The change in him when I hugged him was unbelievable. Afterwards, I could tell that had been exactly what he had needed. He was a totally different person after that.

We’d intended to go and sit in the park and talk, but the wind was absolutely freezing and it had been trying to rain all day, so we went and got fish and chips and sat in Damien’s car eating them. We must have sat there talking for two hours, probably more, about so many different things. I could feel how happy he was to have me there talking with him, even when the conversation fell onto Michelle and Kirsty. You could tell that me being there with him there and then was the happiest he’d been in a long time, since I can’t really remember the last time we got together properly.

It was a total contrast to when the conversation turned onto Jack. I can’t even remember how the topic of Jack came up, but I could tell he hated me talking about him. He couldn’t even look at me, or say anything back. I told him I’m getting married, and the silence was deafening after that. I’d forgotten he didn’t know. I could almost hear his heart break. I could certainly feel it. I felt awful after that. We’d been talking all night, but after that he hardly said anything for the longest time. When he did speak, I could hear in his voice that he was trying so hard not to cry, and he couldn’t look at me because he knew that would start it off. I felt so guilty. He’d spent so long before that telling me all the things that were making his life hell, then afterwards, I dropped that on him too. I didn’t even break it to him gently. I started talking about the wedding, forgetting he didn’t know. His hand was on the gearstick and it was shaking, so to comfort him I went to hold his hand, but the second I touched him he pulled away so sharply it left me in shock for a few moments. I never thought I’d see him act that way towards me touching him, especially after the way he’d reacted to me hugging him earlier. I remember him leaning his head against the window and watching his breath steaming up the glass, but then I saw a tear roll down his cheek and I couldn’t bear to look at him any more. The worst part was that I could tell he was trying to hold it in. It was horrible. I felt like I wanted to crawl into a corner and die.

It was beginning to rain harder by this point, but I would have been more than happy to walk home then if Damien wanted to be alone, but when I asked if that was what he wanted he took hold of my hand and didn’t let go. I’m so glad it was my right hand. I hate to think how it would have made us both feel if it was the hand with my engagement ring on.

We sat there for what seemed like forever. Time seemed to slow down so much, I don’t know how long it was before he started to run his thumb down my fingers. I think he was just about to say something when his phone rang. I’m still not sure if I want to know what he was going to say. I didn’t know who was on the other end of the phone, and Damien didn’t say anything, but when he hung up he completely lost it and broke down in tears. I put my hand on his arm, then he turned to me and put his arms around me and cried on my shoulder. I put my arms around him and listened to him crying and telling me how much he loves me and how sorry he is for everything he’s done, begging me to take him back, and for that time I wished I could have. I felt awful. It was one thing to make him cry, but to make him cry like that on his birthday…I felt so low. I would have done just about anything to make him feel better.

It must have been at least half an hour before he calmed down enough for me to ask him who had been on the phone. It was his brother Darren, phoning to tell him that Michelle had gone into labour and was being taken to hospital. I remembered thinking how crazy it all was. For most guys, their first child being born was one of the happiest times of their lives, but Damien burst into tears at the news. What I wouldn’t do to be able to have with Jack what Damien was having with Michelle. Damien had sat there crying, pleading with me to forgive him and take him back without so much as a thought for going to the hospital and being with Michelle.

I knew he wasn’t going to go to the hospital while he had me there as an excuse, but he begged for me not to leave, and I couldn’t refuse. I managed to persuade him to go to the hospital, and by then it must have been about an hour and a half since Darren had phoned. Michelle’s not a nice person at the best of times, I’d hate to get on her bad side while she was giving birth. I think it must have been about midnight by now, but me being tired was secondary to everything else that was going on.

I agreed to go to the hospital with Damien, not that I had any intention of going in to see Michelle, but going with Damien was the least I could do right now. By the time we got to the hospital, it was at least two hours since Darren had phoned. I’d hate to be on the receiving end of Michelle after that, but whether it was that or something else, Damien didn’t go in. We sat there in the car in the hospital car park in total silence, Damien not moving an inch. We sat there for almost two hours, and all that time, Damien never said a word. By now it was gone 2am, and four hours since Darren had phoned. I remember wondering if the baby had been born yet. The silence was beginning to send me to sleep, but when Damien broke the silence, the question he asked made me sit up and take notice.

I’m sure the sound of his voice will haunt me forever as out of the total silence he asked me “Poppy? What happens after we die?” It took my brain a few seconds to comprehend what he was asking, and even worse, why he was asking it. When my brain figured that one out, it knocked the wind from my chest. I looked at him, but it was the calmest I’d seen him since I’d told him I’m getting married. He was leaning his head back against the headrest, staring at the ceiling of the car. I couldn’t answer him though. He looked me in the eyes, and what I saw there was the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever seen, made even worse by the fact that I know how that feels. I’ve been there. He didn’t have to tell me. I know what it’s like to feel like death is the only way out and there’s nothing left to live for. I didn’t feel like I could answer his question, so I told him my story, about how in April I was ready to kill myself too, and why I’m so glad I’m still here now. I think he was shocked at the end. He stared at me, not knowing what to say (although he’d barely said anything for two hours, so that could have had something to do with it). I didn’t say anything to him, I just let the information sink in.

I thought my story had worked on him, but after a minute of silence, he shook his head. I’ll never forget the sound of his voice as he asked me, so quietly it was almost a whisper “Answer me honestly, there’s no way I’m ever getting back together with you, is there?” I couldn’t think of a way to answer him that wasn’t going to break his heart. In the end, I didn’t have to. The silence was as good as a no.

Again, he was quiet for a few moments. He was breathing so deeply, I couldn’t imagine what was going through his mind. Finally, he took hold of my hand and asked me to kiss him one last time. I couldn’t say no to him when he was like that. I closed my eyes and forced myself to pretend it was Jack. After, he was so calm. He looked me in the eyes, told me he loved me, then climbed out of the car.

I climbed out after him, asking where he was going, but he told me that I was better off not knowing. I didn’t like that answer at all. He walked away from me, and in totally the opposite direction to the hospital too. I followed him but he kept telling me to stop. Of course I couldn’t stop. I was scared for what he was going to do.

I must have been following for the best part of a mile when he finally stopped. On the outskirts of town there’s an industrial estate, and there wasn’t a single other person in sight who could help me when I knew he was going to try something, and to make it worse, no mobile phone signal either. It seems a stupid place for it, but in behind the industrial estate there’s a nature reserve, and on the far side there’s a cliff. Okay, not really a proper cliff by cliff standards, but it’s a sharp drop, and far enough down that nobody’s going to come out smiling if they go off the edge and hit the rock at the bottom. My heart must have almost stopped when I saw him go up to the edge.

I was crying again by this point. I begged for him to come away from the edge, but I don’t think he was even listening to me at first. I wasn’t sure until he told me he’d only come away if I’d marry him. I could have slapped myself at the automatic response that came out. “What, so I can be like you and marry someone I don’t love?” I’m not sure which swear word was the first to come to mind after that.

Needless to say, it didn’t help. It made it worse than it already was. He started shouting at me. “What the fuck is the point of me going on, Poppy? What have I got to live for? You know what Michelle’s like. It’ll be even worse once the baby’s born.”

And since I’d apparently lost any kind of control over my mouth: “Do you know what I’d do to have a kid with Jack? Do you know what I’d do to have what you have?” “Then why don’t you?” “BECAUSE HE’S DYING!” The silence after that…I had NOT meant to say that.

Damien sobered up a bit then. He asked me what I meant, and I told him all about Jack having cancer and what emotional torture it was sometimes being in love with him.

I cried all the way through telling him about Jack, I didn’t really take notice of the fact that he’d come away from the edge and was sat on the floor with me with his arms around me. When I’d finished, I was just about ready to fall asleep in his arms. I don’t know what time it was, but my guess would be some time around 4.

We sat there for a while after that. Damien had calmed down so much in that short time it was unbelievable. I don’t know how long we were sat there, but Damien turned his phone on and told me it was 4.30. He’d had 17 missed calls. It made me laugh when he sighed and said “Michelle must have been in agony. I can’t believe I missed the chance to see it”.

He phoned Darren to tell Michelle he would be there soon, then pulled me up onto my feet. The car was still at the hospital (it was only now that either of us realised that we hadn’t locked it when we had left it, but at the time his car had been the last thing on his mind), so we’d have to walk back to the hospital. He have me a piggyback half of the way there, I really didn’t have the energy to walk, and I fell asleep on his back.

I woke up again when we got to the hospital. I could tell he was feeling awkward. I thought it was just about going in to see Michelle, but it was something else. Damien embarrassed wasn’t something I’d seen since he first asked me to go out with him when we were both 16. He told me he didn’t want me to feel bad or uncomfortable around him, even though he’ll never stop loving me, and he hates not getting to see me that often, and if he can’t be my boyfriend, he could at least be my friend. I agreed to that. After that night, I don’t think either of us will look at each other the same way, and we needed a fresh start between us. He offered to take me back home first, but I was so tired, and I knew Michelle shouldn’t be kept waiting any longer, I was happy for him to just give me his car keys so I could go to sleep on the back seat. We hugged, then I went down to the car while Damien went inside to find Michelle.

Damien’s back seat was by no means a comfortable place to lie down, but I was so tired I was out immediately. I woke up at 11.30 Sunday morning. There was a text on my phone from Damien, saying Michelle had had a baby girl. She wasn’t happy that Damien had missed the birth, but I could have told him that.

Of course, being at the hospital anyway, I couldn’t leave without going to see Jack. He asked me why I was there on a Sunday morning and not at church, but I think he was too happy to see me to really care. I spent almost all day with him. Damien dropped me home again that night. He was absolutely shattered. He’d spent all day with Michelle and she had hardly let him sleep at all. I was worn out too, and I’d been sleeping in the back of Damien’s car. I can’t imagine how tired he must have been.

Damien came over on Wednesday, since he has Wednesdays off from college. I was happy to have someone to keep me company while Jack was away in hospital. They’ve chosen a name for the baby now. Well, “they’ve” isn’t the right word. “Michelle” is the right word. Damien didn’t get a choice in the matter, although from what I can tell he doesn’t care. Chelsea Sienna Poppy Kimberleigh Maddison. Ugh, yeah, I know. Guess which middle name Damien was responsible for. Chelsea’s got Michelle’s surname. Michelle’s currently in the middle of demanding that when they get married, Damien’s taking her surname and not vice versa. Damien sounded so happy that Michelle was in hospital with Chelsea so that he can get away from her. He’s enjoying his week or so of freedom away from Michelle. Michelle’s still giving him grief for not spending enough time at the hospital with her, but it’s not half as bad as what other kinds of grief he tells me he’d be getting from her if she was at home.

Oh wow, this time tomorrow me and Jack will be married! I can’t wait! It seems like I’ve been waiting forever. I haven’t seen Jack since Sunday, and stupid tradition says the bride and groom aren’t allowed to see each other the day before the ceremony. Wow, the next time I see him will be at the wedding.

I was worried for a while today that Jack wasn’t going to be out of hospital in time for the wedding. He’s normally in hospital for a week when he’s having chemo, and he was supposed to be out yesterday and phoning me when he was home, but he didn’t get home until 3 this afternoon. I can’t describe the relief I felt when I got the call from him. We’ve been on the phone all afternoon since. It probably defeats the purpose of not seeing each other, but neither of us could bring ourselves to hang up. I had to hang up an hour ago because I was beginning to lose my voice.

I’ve got all my stuff packed for the honeymoon, even though I still don’t know where we’re going. I packed it all this morning. I don’t know how long I’m going for, and it’s normally up to me to do the food shopping in my house, but perhaps if I’m gone for more than a week Dad might actually miss me when there’s no food in the cupboards. My passport is sitting on top of my suitcase so I can’t miss it. I’m paranoid that I’m going to leave it behind.

Gabriel, it IS barbaric! If we just start killing people for doing things, where is it gonna lead? Look back a few hundred years ago, they were burning people because they thought they were witches. Everyone would be living in fear of doing anything in case they’d get killed for doing it!

Maybe there wasn’t enough evidence to prove it for certain, but there was evidence to point to him, and there were no other suspects. It had to be him, because it couldn’t have been anyone else.

See, that’s the kind of monster I’m turning into. I feel ashamed of myself. Well, I’ll guess I’ll find out soon enough. Damn, I did it again! It’s not because I’m some sex crazed maniac like you are though, it’s because I love him.

a) Maybe we WON’T later on. Admit it, you have really weird ideas of what’s fun.


b) Unlike you, I don’t need to follow people around when they don’t know I’m there, and when they don’t want me to. I love Jack, and Jack loves me. The type of things people get up to in a relationship and the type of things that you get up to couldn’t be much more different.


c) I’m not going to see him in the shower. Get over it.

Again, your idea of what makeup should look like is totally different to the way everyone else who sees daylight hours does. I’ve seen how you do your makeup, and the world knows I don’t want to look like that. Don’t get me wrong, you always look absolutely gorgeous, but electric pink and glitter doesn’t work on everyone.

My wedding dress is going to be the most revealing thing I’ve worn in a long time, at least on the top half. It’s sleeveless and it pushes my boobs up too when I’ve got it on. I’m sure you’re going to love it.

Well, tomorrow night that’s all going to be changed. Just don’t wear me out so much at my hen night that I’ll be asleep before anything can happen. I’ll just ignore your comment about whips and leather. That’s for weirdos and perverts.

I’m going to do my best to keep it quiet. I’m not going to give you that satisfaction of being able to hear it from the other side of the door.

TECHNICALLY? What’s that supposed to mean? Look, I’m getting married tomorrow. I don’t want to be falling asleep during my own wedding. You might think eleven is early, but it’s pretty late for me. I did stay up until 2am last night and slept in until 12 today though, in preparation, because I know you’re going to be totally out of control.

I REALLY hope you know what you’re doing with my dad. How do you know the person stopping my dad committing suicide isn’t going to commit suicide themselves?

1)


a) No, not even one. You’ve got Michael, that’s got to be enough for you. You’ve got the rest of your life to have sex with the rest of the world. Can’t you keep it under control for just one day?


b) Take the wives too? That makes it even worse! I’m putting my foot down. NO.


c) Me and Jack are like that, but I can’t imagine how I could possibly be happy if he was going to crack onto everything that moves like you do.


2) Shame I don’t have a tapemeasure. Just don’t push it.


3) I said it before, I’ll say it again. There are going to be children at this wedding, just like there are children in society. There’s reasons we don’t go around flashing each other. There are enough people in society who are obsessed with sex, without making it legal to go around flashing each other.


4) Everything you do is wrong on so many levels. Just the thought of Jack undressing me makes me smile though. A lot more than I wish it did.

There’s no eventually about it, if I don’t love it tomorrow because of you, I swear I’ll kill you.

I don’t know if you’ll get to read this before you get here. Well, that just answered that, doorbell…

-Poppy

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