Hlp me o lord

2008-12-20T12:08:00.000Z

To: God
Re: The most wonderful time of the year

I completely agree with you about Damien. I’m so worried about him. I went into town the other day (I really didn’t want to go and leave Jack, but he’d had run out of painkillers and there was nobody else home who could get them) and saw Damien out Christmas shopping with Michelle and Chelsea. I was watching Damien so closely, I was sure he was going to blow his top any second. Every time Michelle said something I could see Damien holding back a dozen nasty words and comebacks. Sometimes he couldn’t help himself and had to let them out under his breath. I wanted to go up and talk to him, but I didn’t think it was a good idea while Michelle was there, and I was uncomfortable being away from Jack for so long, especially when he was at home on his own.

From the amount of presents Michelle was buying Chelsea for Christmas, you’d really think Michelle cared! Of course, Damien was the one who had to push the pram, with all the shopping bags hung over the handles too. I was waiting for it to topple backwards with all the weight. I’m glad it didn’t happen though, I’m sure Michelle would have gone absolutely ballistic. Damien texted me when he saw me across the street, told me that all these presents were being paid for with the money that was supposed to be for the wedding, and she’d be complaining after Christmas about where it had all gone. And it’s even sadder that Damien’s expected to go out and buy presents for Michelle too, but she’s not buying him anything. She’s not even letting him out of her sight to let him buy any presents either! I don’t think Damien minds much on that front though, he doesn’t want to buy her presents anyway.

I can’t imagine that it’s going to be that much longer before something happens with Damien. At least, I hope it’s not. I can see when Damien’s with Michelle he always looks like he’s ready to either cry or kill her. I’m scared that one day he’s really going to lose it and he is going to do something drastic like that.

I guess I’ll just never understand the way angels think. I find it difficult to understand the mentality you’d have to have to think that handcuffing someone almost naked to a lamppost on the morning of their wedding then bringing them home and going back on a promise you made would be the best way to help someone. I know it would be so easy to just think that all’s well that ends well, but I can’t work that way.

I do appreciate what Gabriel did for me, I’ve really needed my dad recently, but there were still other ways she could have got me and him talking.

Things are getting really difficult with Jack now, even more than before. The nurse comes to the house every day now, and every day she tells Jack he should be in hospital, but he always refuses. He doesn’t want to go into hospital and be away from me, and I don’t want that either. It’s so difficult to be with him though, he can’t do anything on his own. The cancer is still spreading through his body, it’s going through his stomach now. He can hardly eat anything. It’s getting to the point now where I wonder whether he’ll starve to death before the cancer can finish him off. He’s on less than 200 calories a day, according to the nurse, but he just can’t bring himself to eat any more. After only a few bites of anything he’s full and out of breath. He keeps getting terrible headaches too. They say the cancer might even be in his brain now too. They can’t tell without doing the proper scans, but they think so. Jack refuses to go to hospital to have it checked, but all the signs are there. The headaches he gets all the time, and sometimes he even forgets things he said two minutes ago. I hate seeing him like this, he’s in almost constant pain, but at the same time I can’t bear to be without him. And the worst part of it all is that I know one day very soon, in the next week or so according to what the nurse has said, I am going to be without him, and I’m going to be without him forever.

Last week was a marked first for me. The 10th of December was the anniversary of when my mum died, and I didn’t visit her grave. I really wanted to, but I couldn’t tear myself away from Jack, and Dad told me not to go. He said Mum’s already dead, and I haven’t got that much time left with Jack, I should make the most of what time I’ve got left. I don’t think Mum would be happy me being away from Jack now either.

It was Jack’s birthday on the 17th. I wish it was a happy one. He wouldn’t even let me buy him a present, he said he won’t be around to enjoy it for that long. I know that, but I still wish I could have got him something, it felt wrong that it was his birthday and I couldn’t give him a present. He said being with me was his present, I didn’t leave his side once that day. We even had a bath together. It felt so brilliant, it’s been so long since we’ve done anything like that. We really wanted to have a shower together, but he can barely stand up now, he couldn’t have stood up in the shower for long enough with me. We were in the bath for hours. We even had to keep putting more hot water in because it was getting cold, we were in there that long. I think it must have been about two and a half hours.

I can’t stand seeing Jack like he is. I asked Dad about it, I know he’s seen someone die of this before, but he said that Angela never got like this, the cancer had already killed her long before this point. I try not to talk about it with Dad now, I don’t want to know that. I know Jack’s on death’s door, but to think he should already be through it is horrible. I’m so thankful for every hour I get with him now, even if he is spending it in almost constant pain. I wish there was something I could do to make the pain go away though, it’s horrible.

It’s so difficult for me to imagine what my life is going to be like without Jack. I hate thinking about it, but I know it’s coming very soon. Every second he’s here, I just want to sit and stare at him and take in every detail of him while I still can, the thought of him not being there is horrible. I’m trying to prepare myself for it, but I don’t think I’m doing a very good job.

I hope Jack manages to last through Christmas, I won’t be able to bear it if he doesn’t. All the time I keep seeing things on TV and all over the place, all these happy family films about how Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, but it’s not. I hate it. There’s only one thing I want for Christmas and that’s Jack, and every second makes it seem more and more unlikely that I’m going to have him.

Jack really wanted to go to church over Christmas, but he can’t even get downstairs without huge amounts of help. There’s no way he’s going to church, and he’s definitely not driving there.

Gabriel, that’s really sick and sadistic, even by your standards.

Oh yeah, the government really need those big lunches and taxi rides everywhere and flash cars. Never mind that the rest of the country is in economic crisis or the NHS is severely underfunded or any of that. The government do need that money, they’re just not putting it into the things that really matter. Well, things that really matter to anyone but themselves.

Oh sorry, forgive me. You may find this hard to believe but I don’t watch much porn. Still, if it’s basically videos of people having sex, surely people are going to learn from that? Especially if it’s watched by the kind of sad pathetic losers who have to watch porn because they can’t get a real girl to do things with. Porn is disgusting and immoral, there’s no need for it.

I can revisit the memories without having to watch it on TV. Even if I could get over the disgusting element of it, I don’t know if I’d want to see Jack like that. It’s so different to how he is now. It would hurt to see him like he used to be again.

I’m not going to enjoy watching videos of you stripping for people. Never will. Say what you like, it’s not going to happen. You know, there was actually one bit I decided to watch because you were actually wearing clothes, but I gave up on that one once it got to the part where you and Michael were swapping clothes and you were saying how Michael should wear skirts more often because it makes him easier to get access to, I couldn’t watch any more.

There’s more to life than just having fun. Yeah, sex is a lot of fun, but that’s the problem. It’s so much fun people just do it and forget the consequences until it’s too late. The world is getting into a pretty big mess because of it all, because people don’t control themselves and use the proper precautions.

I give up trying to argue with you about Jack and his dad, I don’t have the energy. Jack’s so happy his dad is here and things are cool between them now. I’m glad he’s here too, and his mum. I wish I could do everything for Jack 24 hours a day, but sometimes it gets too much for me and I have to sleep. I try to sleep at the same time as Jack so I don’t feel like I’m missing too much, but it’s not always possible.

I can’t imagine how anyone else will ever be able to replace Jack. Nobody else will ever feel to me like they’re worthy after Jack, Jack is absolutely perfect. He’s the most brilliant guy in the world.

I’m not watching those DVDs, it’s sick. I’ll just take your word for it.

It’s going to be a long time before you see me happy again. It’s impossible with this whole situation with Jack. Why did it have to be Christmas time? Any other time of year but now. All this happy Christmas stuff is doing my head in. It’s not a happy Christmas for me at all. Then again, Christmas hasn’t been a happy time for me for years now, it’s nothing new. Dad went out and bought a Christmas tree this year and put it all up himself. Normally that responsibility falls on me, but things are different this year. Normally it’s a miracle if Dad’s home for Christmas at all, or if he is home there’s someone else with him. If he hadn’t have bothered with the decorations this year, there’s no way I would have. It’s not just time, I’ve barely been home at all with Jack the way he is. It’s been a good few days since I’ve been home at all. Every now and then there’s something I need to get, but I try and last as long as possible without it. I hate having to leave Jack.

Things don’t count when people are drunk, it’s not the real them you’re seeing. There’s no way you’d have gotten me pole dancing without being drunk, and the only reason I enjoyed it was because I was with you. Weird things happen to my head when I’m around you. As for the underwear issue, I’m not passing comment on that.

I’d give everything I have just to have Christmas day with my husband. I love him so much. It’s not fair. My first Christmas with my husband shouldn’t have to be my last, and even then it’s constantly in the balance whether I’m even going to get that. Come on Jack, please. You can last 5 more days, right?

-Poppy

2008-12-17T15:18:00.000Z

To: Poppy
Re: Abandoned

Capable yes, but he currently lacks the energy or the genuine willpower to do so. He needs to find a way to get that back, and that’s going to be very difficult for him being in Michelle’s grip. When he does, he’ll need to try to do it without flipping completely, otherwise the consequences will be even worse for him. You’re quite right that having a job might well give him the time away from her to get some of his energy back, assuming he’ll be even able to get past the interview with the mental state he has now.

Chelsea would, at this point anyway, be far better off in care that she would with her parents. The keyword is ‘care’, which she’s getting none of at the moment. At this point she’d have an advantage in that she’s too young (and hasn’t bonded really with her parents) to really understand, so she’d get a bit of a fresh start. Hopefully this time with parents who are eager to look after her. Still, she is by far not the only child in the world to be neglected in such a manner. It is a sad reflection that at such a dangerous point in human development there is not enough being done to ensure the next generation will be able (or even willing) to repair the damage done by the previous ones. This cycle can only result in your species eventual destruction, either at their own hands or by those that would not see such aggression and foolishness spread throughout your galaxy later.

Of course, he could end his relationships without either one knowing about the other at the moment, but it’s getting more and more unlikely the longer he waits. He’s got himself into a real tangled mess, but he could still walk away. If he waits until Michelle finds out, he might not have use of his legs to do so, metaphorically or otherwise.

As it is, Gabriel does HAVE to find a perverted way of being compassionate. Angels are not like humans in that way, they don’t have the same choices open to them. She is literally physically incapable of doing it in any other way, just as Michael is incapable of acting without compassion. To deny the part of her that is her would be to try to deny herself, and it’s something that can’t be done. It’d be like asking you to simply stop being human.

Unfortunately, nobody ever really gets used to heartbreak or the loss of a loved one. They get better at dealing with the loss, they can understand why it had to happen or that it doesn’t mean the end of their happiness, but it still hurts each time. It is something that humans, due to their limited lives have to deal with, and the way they do that is up to them.

It does say something for how your relationship with your father has changed that you weren’t sure you could bear the week without him there. Before it might have been that it would have been more difficult to deal with if he WAS there. That’s a real step in the right direction, and something Gabriel was mostly responsible for.

As is obvious, Jack is now reaching the final part of his life. What humans usually forget at this point is that it’s not how long you spend together that matters (because that is never eternal), but the quality of the time, the glory of the experience together. With you and Jack that’s been fantastic, and is something you’ll always be able to remember as a happy time of your life. There will of course, be other such times, and ones when you’re not happy too. That is part of the balance of all life, and people must deal with it the best they can. Everyone cries tears of joy and sorrow, just at different times, and for different reasons. What they all have in common is they’ve chosen the reasons for the joy or sorrow, they’ve assigned what they believe to be important to them in their minds, and it is your choice how you perceive each event. Every experience in life has no utter definition as to whether it’s good or bad, only how you choose to relate to it is what makes it feel that way.

I am certain that, were Jack’s Christian God to exist in reality, he wouldn’t mind him not going to church on a Sunday, given how poor his health is. I think he’d understand, and I’m sure in truth that Jack knows that too.

-----Original Message-----
From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]
Sent: 06th December 2008 22:52
To: God
Subject: FW: Downturn

Well, I suppose in the case of terrorists you humans could find some vicious way of torturing them. Maybe you could chop off bits of their body and use them as bait for fish? While they’re still alive if we’re feeling sadistic today...

Yeah, some people think it’ll be a big thing and some don’t, for individual customers it probably means sod all unless you’re buying something really expensive, or a whole load of things. For businesses though who buy massive amounts in bulk it could mean quite big savings for them, so if it helps make some profit for them and lets them give the customer a bit of a saving maybe it’s not such a bad idea. Still, that’s money the governments not getting, and we all know they need all that money for really important stuff like Limo’s and big lunches!

Porn doesn’t really say ‘this is how it’s done’, except in the minds of stupid people. Like most other businesses though it makes a lot of money, and the advantage is people (customers and employees) enjoy it, so why not?

Knowing what you looked like doesn’t take the magic away, you looked great! Both of you! You were obviously having a wonderful time together, and I think it’d be good for you to be able to revisit some of those memories in HD!

Yeah I know, I did go a little bit overboard with the scenes of me, but you should learn to enjoy that! Some pleasant memories of your maid of honour! I’ve already shown my undying love for Michael, we’ve bonded, shared all of our thoughts and feelings, so we know exactly what we need to know. A ring won’t help us further that cause no matter how romantic it sounds to humans.

Well, it doesn’t create such problems if people use proper precautions, the last thing people need to do is control themselves. If they did that, nobody would have any fun! Life is about being you, expressing you to the world. Being who I am, sex is one of the natural ways to do that! Sexual drive is a big part of humans too; obviously it has to be otherwise you’d never have reproduced enough to get to where you are.

Well, before I came along they were still related, but it didn’t seem to count for anything between them then did it? I provided them with a new common starting point, which is always easier to use that what you know and are used to, and not embarrassed about!

You’ll have more orgasms in your life Poppy, there are always more worthy people out there for you to be with. You just have to find them! And yes you do, as evidenced by any of those DVD’s I sent you! Proof!

Well I do have your best interests at heart, believe it or not. I do love seeing you happy, and I’d like to see more of that! You’re much more alive, and much more filled with sexual energy! Drunk or not, you enjoyed pole dancing, and you were both turned on fishing the keys out of each other’s underwear!

Love, light and medical experiments,
Gabriel

Signature - There'll be time for explanations later. And hopefully, some sex!

2008-12-06T22:48:00.002Z

To: God
Re: Downturn

I’m beginning to wonder if Damien really is capable of saying no to Michelle. I know if it was me in his position I probably would have cracked months ago, but then I don’t think I would have let it go so far in the first place. He’s starting to scare me now, I’m so worried for him. I’m worried for Chelsea, and Michelle too a little bit, although I know she deserves what’s coming to her. I can hear in Damien’s voice when he’s on the phone that he’s so close to breaking point, and I’m worried what he’s going to do when he gets there. I think he’s getting to the point now where he’s more angry at Michelle than his general situation, and he’s starting to know now what he has to do to change it, but I’m worried he might not be able to control himself and he’s going to do something that he’ll really regret later. I saw him lose it once before, but I was there to stop him. This time I might not be there and he could end up doing something terrible.

Of course, I know it’s going to get worse now. Now he’s not at college, I expect it’ll only be a matter of time before she starts nagging him to get a job. He doesn’t have the energy for a job, and now he’s dropped out of college he’s not qualified to even get the job he wants. I wonder if that’ll break him. Then again, a job might be just what he needs to get away from Michelle. At least that way with Damien out of the house, Michelle would have to look after Chelsea.

I feel so sorry for Chelsea. Poor little thing, she can’t do anything for herself and relies on everyone else to help her, but nobody wants to do it for her. I feel so sorry for her. She’s such a beautiful baby. It’s horrible being taken into care, but I don’t think she’d be much better off with her parents. I wonder how Damien and Michelle would react if something like that did happen. I think Damien would probably be overjoyed, but Michelle could make his life hell afterwards, I expect she’d blame him.

Right now Damien’s using the excuse that he never goes on Facebook any more. I don’t think Michelle knows about his Bebo page. I wonder how long that can last. I just hope he can end it between him and his girlfriends before they have to find out through Facebook, or else it’s going to get ugly. If he just had the courage to do it, he could do it without them even having to know about each other. I’ve told him this, but he’s too tired to listen.

Gabriel doesn’t HAVE to find a perverted way of being compassionate. There are ways she could have done it without having to lap dance for Jack or tie us up almost naked to a lamppost. You might think she was watching us to make sure nobody else saw us, I call it perving. There was NO reason she had to tie us to that lamppost, and she especially didn’t have to take our clothes off. She could also have gotten Jack to talk to his dad without having to lap dance for him. She has her excuses, but I know it’s rubbish.

I’m used to being on my own, I have been most of my life. This wouldn’t have been the first death I had to get over without anyone there for me. I think I get over things better on my own. That’s what I’m used to now. I’m not used to telling other people how I feel, and even less used to having people listen. I’m glad he’s there though to listen to me, he’s been there for me this week. I don’t know if I’d have been able to bear this week without Dad there.

Jack’s health now, it’s reached rock bottom. Saturday night we were in Jack’s bed, he managed to get up the energy to do it with me, but half way through he just collapsed on top of me in pain. He couldn’t move. We called the doctor and we went to the hospital with him and it turned out Jack’s spine had fractured. The cancer has spread so far throughout his body it’s gone in his bones now too, his spine was so weak it just cracked. It was so weak the doctor said it almost split in two. Then it all came out, the day before the wedding, Jack was in hospital longer than usual for chemotherapy, but I was so happy and busy with the wedding and the honeymoon I never asked him why, but he now told me he was having x-rays on his spine. The doctors had told him not to put any pressure on it, and sex was out of the question for him, they wanted to keep him in hospital for a few more days, but Jack wasn’t going to miss the wedding and discharged himself and then had sex I don’t know how many times with me on the honeymoon, when he knew his spine could break at any time. I don’t know what we would have done if it had happened when we were in America. I told him he shouldn’t have been having sex with me if he knew that, but he just smiled back at me and told me he’d never have been able to not do it. I know he’s right though, even with the risk of breaking his back, it was worth it. Still, that’s the end of it all now, no more sex for us. He can’t even sit up on his own. They’ve given him a back brace now to hold his spine in place, but that’s all they’re doing. Every time Jack moves he’s in pain. They could easily fix his back with an operation, but the NHS won’t do it, they say he could die any day now, his pain doesn’t mean anything to them. Jack’s dad was going to pay for him to go private, the operation is so quick, it basically involves injecting his spine with a special bone cement to fix the spine and fill the cavity the cancer has made, but Jack won’t do it. He’s terrified if he goes into hospital they won’t let him out again. When we got home from the hospital in the early hours of Monday morning, we took Jack straight to bed and he cried to me and made me promise I wasn’t ever going to let them make him die in hospital, and I had to be there when he died, he wants me to be the last thing he sees. I know it’s getting serious for him now, he didn’t want to talk about his death before, but he’s been talking about it more and more recently, all the stuff I don’t want to talk about, like his funeral. I can’t bear to talk about it with him. I don’t want Jack to tell me how much pain he’s in either, I don’t want to know. Now though, he can’t hide it any more, he winces every time he has to move. I understand why he wanted to keep it all from me though, I worry enough about him as it is. I’m happier not knowing. Ignorance is bliss as they say, although I wish I could be blissful with Jack like he is. We’ve got the nurse coming to Jack’s house twice a week now to check up on him, but as it goes on it could be more and more, maybe even every day. Jack hates it though, he wants everything to be normal, but it can’t be normal when he can hardly move. He can’t even reach over to kiss me. He’s completely bedridden, he can’t even get out of bed to eat, and it’s such a struggle when he has to get out to go to the toilet. I lie there in bed with him all day, both of us with no clothes on, enjoying being warm in bed with each other, but it’s so irritating at the same time to not be able to do the things we want. Jack can’t even hug me properly, all he can do is lie flat on his back, and I can’t lie on top of him because it would put pressure on his spine. It’s so horrible. I know the best times between us are gone now. He’s sentenced to die, and I’m sentenced to watch it. I can’t stand it. Every day brings us one day closer to the most awful day of my life, and the end of Jack’s. every morning when I wake up I wonder if today will be the day, and I know one day very soon it will be. I know Jack feels it too. He always wants to touch and kiss me as much as he can and get the most out of every second we have. I can feel how scared he is. Not just for himself, but for me too. We both have a pretty good idea of what will happen to me when he’s gone. He’s been talking to me a lot about it. He wants me to promise I’ll find someone else who’ll make me happy after he dies, but that’s not a promise I’m going to make. Nobody will ever be able to replace Jack.

See, what can I learn from my own events? Getting involved with people always seems to end in heartbreak. The only solution is to not get involved. I used to think it was all worth it, but my heart feels like its being crushed, and Jack hasn’t even died yet.

Getting out of bed on a Sunday morning has gone now too. I don’t miss going to church at all, but Jack feels bad not being well enough to be able to go, and that makes me feel bad. When we’re lying in bed at night and he thinks I’m asleep, I hear him praying, and I can hear in his voice that he’s crying. He always talks about me, praying that I’ll be alright when he’s gone, but I have no hope on that front. I’m not alright now, and he’s still here.

How can anyone make the choice to do something like that? To think of doing something like that to your own child. The thought is horrendous.

Gabriel, having your head chopped off is too easy. Think about terrorists. They’d just think that either way they’re going to die, so they might as well murder us all before they get caught. Regardless of what’s going on with the economy and all that, doesn’t mean morals should go out the window. Oh, and the economy. Is it just me who doesn’t understand? The government and the country are going through tough times and all, not enough money coming in, so the solution? Cut VAT to 15%. Nice to know the government are actually capable of cutting taxes and not just putting them up, but is 2.5% going to make that much difference? All it means is a few measly pennies come off of things, while it’s millions the government aren’t having when they don’t have enough money as it is to do things like give Jack the operation he needs to be able to live what’s left of his life. People aren’t going to go out and buy more because of the few pennies coming off of the price of things. Even if you spend £100, all you save is £2.50. It must be costing the economy more on all this money businesses are spending to implement the new VAT rate. It’s false economy.

All the reasons you listed are perfectly good reasons for why pornography is a BAD business to get into. Having sex with loads of people isn’t a good thing, if guys want to see women’s bodies they should go out and get a girlfriend, and any money you earn is filthy money. Porn pretty much says to people “This is how it’s done, so go out and do it”, when that’s not how it should be done at all, especially not with a stranger. Pornography has no place in civilised society.

I can remember the good old times in my head, I don’t need DVDs of us having sex. I don’t want to watch DVDs of anyone having sex, especially not me and Jack. I don’t want to know what we looked like, it takes the magic away.

I actually tried watching the DVD you sent me of the wedding, I wanted to see it, but I gave up after the “few scenes” of you stripping. I started off trying to wind past those parts, but I gave up when it got to the point where for every minute of the wedding there was there was 15 minutes of you. The scene of you with Michael and five other guys in bed was what made me stop.

Marriage is about showing your undying love for someone. Not wanting to get married is like admitting that you don’t really love them that much. If you really love someone, then marriage is the natural thing to do. How long have you and Michael been together now?

Sex with strangers purely for fun creates an awful lot of problems, and all for a few moments of pleasure. All those STDs going around and unplanned pregnancies, it and things end up happening like Damien has right now. All that could be avoided if people could just learn to control themselves.

What, so Jack and his dad being related didn't count as a common starting point?!?

I define good taste as just about the total opposite of what you just described. There’s more to life than sex. A lot of people think sex is the most important thing though, and that causes a lot of the problems there are today.

Gabriel, you’re really taking this too far! It’s bad enough that you’re watching, without recording DVDs and making comments about me when I’m having an orgasm. There’s not going to be any more though. Possibly ever. My life might as well end with Jack’s for everything I can see happening afterwards…

…Do I really?

You won’t be surprised then when I don’t believe that you really had my best interests at heart when you taught me to pole dance or handcuffed me and my husband to a lamppost practically naked hours before our wedding.

Well, I’ve got nothing else to say. Jack’s asleep in bed behind me. The painkillers the doctors have given him make him sleep, and he was sleeping loads before. Now he spends more time sleeping than awake. I love him so so much, but I can only spend so many hours in bed watching him sleep. I can’t bear it. I want to be able to stay up in bed until the early hours of the morning like we always used to. Being happy together, not me sitting here on my own watching him sleeping through the last days of his life.

-Poppy

2008-12-01T23:52:00.004Z

To: Poppy
Re: Events, Tragedies and the Future

This, sadly, is something Damien has to sort out for himself. That is, if he can. Eventually he'll snap under the pressure, as all humans have a limit as to what they can take. It is a shame that he's dropped out of college though, another part of his life that's ended because of his inability to stand up for himself.

Of course, the greater tragedy is Chelsea. Being raised by a parent who doesn't give a toss, and another who can't because he's being subjugated by the mother isn't going to end well for her. Of course, eventually social services might simply take her away if someone complains about it. At the moment, that's the best outcome she can really hope for.

The Facebook issue is something that could well act as a trigger. If Damien is forced to reveal Michelle to Kirsty (and vice versa being the inevitable result), neither one will react well. That could well lead to a physical fight, or possibly something even more dangerous. Of course, whichever woman wins that exchange, Damien stands to lose.

Well, in Gabriel's defence, she has to find a perverted way of being compassionate. Given your aversion to such, she couldn't have been open with you about her intentions and expect her idea to work. The way she did it was quite effective, and resulted in all of your lives improving somewhat. It might be worth noting that she was keeping an eye on you both when you were tied to that lamppost, and would not have let anyone else see you.

Your Dad not having meaningless relationships anymore is one good example of her positive effect. He's also opened up to you considerably, and will no doubt be there for you in the times ahead. If that hadn't happened, you'd have ended up almost entirely alone (at least, human wise). She knew you'd need that.

You're quite right that Jack is now coming to the end of his life. The probability of his survival has now dropped to an almost nonexistent level. The only thing left to do is make sure you spend what time you have left together, being as open with each other as you can. You should definitely try to get him to open up about what he's going through, after all, as a married couple you're not supposed to keep things from each other.

It is perhaps worth noting that people generally feel that anyone intelligent with a decent sense of morals is not qualified to be a politician. Newspapers go for dramatic effect, because that's the kind of thing people like to pick up, read and complain about. It's an unfortunate fact that humans tend to look at events and see only the sorrow in them, rather than the potential to learn from such tragedy's. If it was otherwise, your world might be in a very different state. Still, it is only one world, and it will not be allowed to inflict such tragedy on the galaxy. We designed the universe to make the odds of that virtually nothing.

The simple answer to how someone can do that to a child, is that they choose to do it. Everyone makes choices all the time, if it were not so, there would be no purpose to life.

-----Original Message-----
From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]
Sent: 22nd November 2008 20:09
To: God
Subject: FW: The eleventh hour

Well we could do that sure! Course, it'd take a fair amount of resources and money to do it though. Maybe just cutting their heads off would be easier huh? You have enough problems with the economy and such to be bothered with that.

By what measure is pornography a good business to get involved in? Are you kidding? You get to have sex with lots of people, have your face (amongst other things!) broadcast across the world, and if you're good at it, you get loads of money! I disagree that you'd be better off without porn, I think depriving people of such would make them more likely to go out raping people, not less.

Hey come on, you might not want those DVD's now, but later on you'll be able to remember the good old times! That reminds me actually, I've sent one of your wedding. I think there might be a couple of scenes of me stripping in there too, but that's what you get when you tell the bloody thing to record automagically.

Well I just think it's bad to rely totally on one person. You can never count on them being around forever, and funnily enough there are other worthwhile people out there too! Marriage is making vows, and people change. I guess my main objection is that people shouldn't make promises they might not be able (or willing) to keep.

Well, if I seduced him we'd have ended up having sex, so it wasn't that. It was more just letting him be a little liberated, so that he'd have some common starting point with his dad. Well, that and the fact that it was fun!

For humans sex can be one of two things, or both. It can be for pleasure, or it can be a means of physically expressing love. Nothing wrong with either way, or mixing them together. Society makes people believe that sex for fun is wrong, when in fact it's simply a belief passed down from outdated dogma and... Idiots.

Boobs are for breastfeeding babies (or anyone!), but they're also a big part of what makes a woman attractive! I define good taste as something that brings me and other people pleasure, and being a human dressed up in sexy clothes certainly does that! What's your definition?

Speaking of pleasure, did you know when you have an orgasm you tremble somewhat and your face goes bright red? It's really very attractive!

I don't expect trust in the short term, like if I say something to you, I don't expect you to immediately believe it. Still, you should trust that I have your best interests at heart when I'm manipulating the situation. That's what counts.

Love, light and medical experiments,
Gabriel

Signature - There'll be time for explanations later. And hopefully, some sex!

2008-11-22T20:06:00.000Z

To: God
Re: The eleventh hour

Damien and his lack of sleep, he’s totally messed up. I speak to him every day still, either on the phone or MSN, but he gets worse every time we speak. I’m so worried for him.

He’s dropped out of college now. I knew it was going to happen. I spoke to him last week about it. He really didn’t want to do it, he was so upset, but with the way Michelle is treating him and his total lack of sleep, he was so far behind. He had four assignments since the beginning of term, and he’d only managed to complete one of them. Didn’t even start two of them. If he hadn’t dropped out, it would only have been a matter of time before he was kicked out. I feel so sorry for him and what his future holds.

He just can’t listen to reason. He listens, but he’s incapable of doing anything about it. Even if he got up the courage to stand up to Michelle, he doesn’t have the energy to do it. She’s completely drained him.

Michelle ignores Chelsea most of the time, she’s too consumed by the wedding. At the moment she’s trying to nag Damien into selling his car to pay for it all. His pride and joy, his car. Michelle’s excuse is now he’s not at college any more he doesn’t need it to drive there. It’s almost like what happens when the unstoppable force meets the immovable object. Almost. I have no doubt that Michelle will be able to beat him down far enough to make him sell it, even if he’s not low enough now. She’s crushing him.

Damien came over to my house last week and brought Chelsea with him. She’s such a beautiful baby, she’s absolutely gorgeous. She looks just like a little female version of Damien. She’s got his eyes and his mouth. She has no toys or anything though, nothing to keep her entertained. You should have seen the smile that came across her face when I picked her up! She was cooing and gurgling at me, and she’s got such a gorgeous smile, I wondered when the was the last time anyone picked her up from the way she reacted to it, and she cried her eyes out when I put her down. Damien was asleep on my bed (he sat down, I picked up Chelsea and when I turned back around he was fast asleep. I didn’t want to wake him because I knew how tired he was. I really don’t think he should be driving over to my house like that), and the sound didn’t wake him. I suppose he’s so tired and gotten so used to her crying, it has no effect on him now.

There’s a problem coming up now. Michelle wants to show her baby and her husband-to-be off to the world. She’s been on Facebook a lot recently and noticed that Damien hasn’t listed her as her partner on his profile. She sent him a request to update their relationship status, but if he does, Kirsty is going to see it, and Damien has no energy to come up with an excuse for why he doesn’t want to put it on the internet. It’s all going to end in tears and shouting, I know it.

I’ve told Damien he has to end it, and he knows he can’t go on forever like this, but he still hasn’t done anything. He has no energy to anything at all.

Damien and Michelle are taking Chelsea to the doctor for her six week checkup this week. Michelle’s nagging Damien more now because the guideline for having sex after birth is six weeks, she’s nagging him all the time now. It’s all Damien can do to walk ten metres, let alone be having sex, and especially not with Michelle. He’s told me he never wants sex again. Not that Michelle cares what Damien wants or feels.

Poor little Chelsea, she’s so helpless. Nobody cares about her. I hope Damien does something about his situation, he’s got Chelsea’s welfare to think about too. She can’t grow up the way her parents are now.

I’m sure there had to be better ways of getting me and Jack talking to our dads than lapdancing for Jack and lying to me, you know. Gabriel could have tried asking for starters. She didn’t have to be so underhanded about it all.

I still feel mentally scarred from my hen night, and I’m never going to forgive what I’ve managed to piece together of what happened at Jack’s stag night. Nobody got hurt, depends what you mean by hurt. We didn’t need practice seeing or touching each other, we’ve had plenty of that since, we could have managed without it. I did kind of enjoy it, but it was ruined by the fact that we were outside in our underwear. It was so cold! Not to mention we were in full public view. I’m just so glad there was nobody else around.

Dad hasn’t brought any girls home since me and Jack got back from the honeymoon. He stays home most nights now. He’s only been out a few times, and he’s usually home before midnight. He doesn’t talk to me much, I think he’s shy. I can feel him looking at me a lot of the time though, the way a dad is supposed to look at his daughter. I see him looking a lot especially when Jack comes home with me. I wonder what’s going through his mind.

I got my first letter through the post today addressed to Poppy Honeywell. It was fantastic! Seeing it there on that paper all official. It was just magic. It still hasn’t really sunk in that I’m married to Jack, it still seems like a dream sometimes. I just wish it could last longer. It’s November now. The doctors said Jack would most likely be dying in November or December. It feels horrible. That day, when I turned over the calendar and saw it was November, it was terrible. Every day now, I wake up next to Jack and feel so relieved that he’s still there next to me breathing. The sound of his breathing sounds so wonderful to me now, even though I know it doesn’t sound right. I’m so scared that one day I’m going to wake up and he’ll be dead. And after what the doctors have said, I know it could be any day now. They’ve given him weeks to live. I stand there staring at the calendar wondering which day it’s going to be. Jack’s getting worse. He was fine until about a week ago, but since then he’s been getting really ill. He keeps getting really bad headaches and he doesn’t have the energy he used to. Monday night he slept for 14 hours straight and the way he is now we’re lucky if we have sex three times a day. We haven’t had sex in the shower for five days now. Been three days since we even had a shower together. Even Jack’s voice is changing. It’s starting to get rough now. It’s starting to sound painful for him to talk, and he’s coughing a lot. He lies there all day telling me how much he loves me. I think it’s all getting to him now. I can hear the fear in his voice. He sounds like he wants to cry sometimes, but he won’t do it in front of me. We both know this is it. This is the beginning of the end. All we have to do is go upstairs and he’s breathing like he’s just run a marathon. All we do is lie there almost all day. Sometimes he’ll start touching me and then suddenly stop, and my mind always instantly jumps to the worst conclusion, but he’s just fallen asleep. He falls asleep so easily now and so often. He fell asleep in the middle of kissing me yesterday. This was three o’clock in the afternoon. It’s horrible, and the worst part is, I know he’s not going to get better. He went to see the doctor at the hospital this week but they’re not doing much for him. I wonder whether they can’t do anything or they won’t do anything. They told Jack he was lucky to last as long as he has with his health, but what’s happening now has always been inevitable, and no matter what medication they give him it’ll hardly make any difference. The only thing that can help him is chemotherapy, and Jack’s refusing to have it now. He says he hates it and he doesn’t want anything that’s going to prolong his pain. I know when he says that he’s in much more pain than he’s letting me know. I can feel him trying to hide it from me, he doesn’t want me to worry, but when he hides it it makes me worry even more. I know it’s serious if he doesn’t want me to know. He wouldn’t even let me come to the doctors with him, I had to stay home and ended up with Damien and Chelsea. I sat there with Damien on my bed and Chelsea in my arms and it felt so right in such a wrong way. I wanted it to be Jack on my bed and our child in my arms. I wouldn’t, not yet, but I know the chance for me and Jack to have a proper family is never going to happen. Not without a miracle. I’m really going to start crying if I write any more. I’m on the verge now. Damn, here I go…

He doesn’t even have the energy to make himself breakfast any more, I usually make it for him now. We sit there at the table in the morning reading the paper together. Sometimes he leans his head on my shoulder. Sometimes he’ll fall asleep on my shoulder. The newspapers these days, they’re so depressing. What is it with American politicians being idiots? Can they not get someone smart to do it? (Or are smart people too clever to try for such a job?) At least Sarah Palin didn’t actually win. She spent that much money on clothes and makeup and jewellery, but it still didn’t change the fact she wasn’t aware that Africa was a continent! Jonathan Ross, I wish they’d hurry up and do something about him, because they’ve been complaining about it for long enough. So many children have been killed recently. Baby P, that’s the kind of thing that makes me ashamed to be human. How can someone do that to ANY child, let alone their own?

Gabriel, I’ve got a better idea. Let’s just send them all to sex camp where they get punished by…I don’t know. I’m sure you’ll be able to think of something. I’m sure you’d be more than up for that, right?

I must have been off from school that day. Anyway, by what measure is pornography a good business to get involved in? When has it EVER been a good business to get involved with? I don’t need drooling stares, I’ve got a husband. Pornography is for sexually-deprived old men who are too sad to go out and actually get a girlfriend. They sit in their rooms at their little computers watching porn and never go out. The ones that do go out end up raping people. The world would be such a better place without porn. You have no idea how much money you’d have to give me to let anyone else see those DVDs. More than that, you’d have to give me a huge amount of money to even make me watch them, and I’m in them. Oh, by the way, I got your package last Thursday. Didn’t even bother to open it. It’s flat and it’s got something hard and round inside it. I know what’s inside. Did you really have to illustrate the envelope? The poor postman…

See, the thing that worries me about what you wrote there, ‘A little more with other people wouldn’t go amiss’, I wish I could pretend you were talking about me expressing what I think…

Marriage isn’t about restricting yourself, it’s about showing your partner how much you love them, how you place them above anyone else. If you love someone that much, it’s natural. When you love someone, it’s not restrictive, because you don’t want anyone else.

I was drunk at my hen night. I’m blaming that.

It’s nice to know my bouquet is there in all its beauty. After the wedding our parents took all the flowers back home, but they were all dead by the time we got back from the honeymoon. Makes me smile to know my bouquet is still there and alive and will be that way for a long time, even when other things are gone…

If by ‘great’ you mean ‘mentally scarring’, then yeah, truth, dare or get spanked by everyone was great. Should never have let you be in charge of the dares. And you and your ‘This is my game so I get the first spank’ and how every time it was Michael’s turn to get spanked you took everyone else’s turn and just got to spank him 22 times. It worked for me though, I didn’t want to spank him. I didn’t want to spank anyone.

Some of the things you come out with never cease to amaze me. ‘I was not trying to seduce your husband…Just get him aroused at the sight of my gorgeous body’. THERE’S A DIFFERENCE? There were a million non-sexual ways you could have got Jack to talk to his dad. Why couldn’t you have just lied to him like you lied to me?

Sex is a lot of fun, I’ll give you that, but I still can’t understand how you can want to have sex with someone you don’t love. How can you do it? All Jack has to do is look me in the eyes with that smile of his and I’m ready for it. There’s no way I could do it with anyone else. It’s been a while since I last saw that smile properly though, not mixed with tiredness…

And here I was thinking that boobs were for breastfeeding babies! I don’t know any girls who do that at all, let alone all the time. I have no doubt that YOU do it all the time though.

Some of us have some sense of good taste. You, on the other hand, you’re just “you should wear this devil costume, you should wear this schoolgirl uniform, you should wear this, you should wear that”. I know what kind of guys you go for, and Jack’s not like that! You can do your things your way and I’ll do my things my way. Don’t complain about me and I’ll do my best not to complain about you. Having one person isn’t being limited, it’s called being in love, not just sleeping with the first person who comes to you or in you.

HOW will I be happier with you having lap danced for my husband?!? I’m glad you can live without my trust, because you’re not going to be getting it back for a very long time. I really hate you sometimes.

Well, I’d better get going. Jack’s going bed now. It’s only just gone eight o’clock too. Even Emily hasn’t gone to bed yet. I love him so much, I can’t bear to see him like this.

-Poppy

2008-11-07T19:38:00.000Z

To: Poppy
Re: Energy, Stress and Another Chance

It is not at all surprising that Damien is shattered. Most of his energy is spent trying to avoid spending energy on the things he no longer cares for. Caring for a newborn baby is stressful at the very best of times, but to be forced into doing all the work yourself, trying to keep two girlfriends from each other and thinking your entire life is going to be committed to an extension of what's happening now...

Especially when he knows full well he messed up a relationship that could have meant none of it taking place.

As a friend you can only be there when you can, give advice if need be. You can't change what is after all, his choice. He could easily dump both girls, even if it means losing access to Chelsea. It doesn't appear that he desires access to her in any case. Of course, things could be different, but it's hard to devote energy into bonding with a child when you simply have no energy left to spend.

It seems Michelle is becoming less and less stable too. Damien's lack of devotion is making her try to correct him, the method being to "encourage" him to do more. Not that she particularly wants to do the work anyway, but it's a good excuse for her to justify in her mind forcing it on him whenever she can. Seeing his lack of desire to do it though is starting to get to her, and it'll only make her take harsher actions to try to force him to change.

Most of all though, it's the child who'll get it the worst. At the moment she's too young to really understand anything other than "I have to cry for ages before anyone sorts out my problem". When she grows up a little, and sees how everyone else's parents but hers seem to really love their children, that could well have horrible effects on her own mental state. Having a mother who won't lift a finger to help her, and a father who can't even seem to identify her as a human being and only helps her because he's forced to won't do her any good. You're quite right of course, her name is the least of her worries...

Now, we've discussed this a little in the past but not gone into detail regarding the life process. The universe has been created so that every event that can happen, does happen. Some of your scientists (not to mention sci-fi writers) have come up with very similar ideas to this, basically involving parallel universes.

Sometimes, souls choose a particular series of events that they desire to experience, usually in collaboration with other souls. When this happens, they follow through the life cycle of that event. For example, you and Jack have chosen to experience a relationship together in a certain way, and thus your souls follow exactly the same choices. Every choice that you didn't make still plays out, but there is no soul attached to those choices (this is also why you're consciously experiencing these choices and not others).

The amount of possible choices is vast, but not infinite. There are only a certain amount of atoms in the universe, and therefore only a certain number of possible events that can happen. This is also the reason why the universe is so huge, it needed to be as big as it is for two reasons. One is that enough time had to pass between the beginning and end to allow for all the possible events, and the other is that it had to have enough "raw material" to allow for every interaction of particles possible.

It might well sound so far above reality as to be considered impossible, but that's God for you.

It does seem to be a human tradition that hen/stag nights are supposed to be a last reminder of your freedom, and therefore you're supposed to do all the crazy things you won't be able to do after you're married. By that measure, it seems to have gone very well! It also gave you a chance to start patching things up with your dad, and did the same for Jack too.

Despite the method used, the end result worked out perfectly. You and Jack got a little practice in seeing and feeling each other's more intimate parts (which you both enjoyed no matter how pissed off you were), you got married in time, you found out plenty about your Dad and as you've already indicated, had fantastic sex! Nobody got hurt, and although people don't like to think the end justifies the means, if the end result doesn't, what exactly do humans think does?

The conversation you had with you Dad was a wonderful indication of what you actually have in common, and the way life can sometimes be so ironic without your realising it for so long. You have a chance to accomplish a lot of healing now, if you can keep talking. He'll be a good person to have there for you too, since he's had personal experience of what you're facing. It was very nice as well, that you went from not wanting your Dad anywhere near you to him giving you away at your wedding. Shows how much can change in such a short time, if people are willing to be open with each other. Keep it up, and you'll find things get much better. At the very least, you know what happened with him all those years ago.

Well, as you saw it's very difficult for angels to stop being themselves, even for a little while. After all, if you're not yourself you're nothing at all. It's almost like asking you to just stop loving Jack, it just can't be done because it's as much a part of yourself now as water is a part of clouds. Gabriel does try to mix herself with Michaels feelings though, it's just more long term, and it generally has to be done in a perverted way.

-----Original Message-----
From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]
Sent: 31st October 2008 23:49
To: God
Subject: FW: Life and Living

No of course it isn't, but still, for certain things it would surely be easier for your society to just get rid of them rather than try to punish or rehabilitate them. Has to be taken in context obviously! I'm not talking about executing people for dropping litter here!

Oh but Poppy you two could make a fair amount of money from this! You have a lush, sexy body and people should see it! Weren't you taught at school that pornography was a good business for a young woman to be involved with? Or that at those rare times when you should put clothes on, you should always think about what will cause the most drooling stares. No wonder your planet is in such a state...

I suppose you are having sex a great deal though, and you've been trying some different things (didn't I say he'd be kissing your 'lips'?)! That at least shows there's some hope for you after all!

You should never be afraid to say what you think or feel, and it's lovely to see you're getting over that with Jack. A little more with other people wouldn't go amiss though!

Yes, I was right. Don't ever forget it!

Oh no, we're not getting married. Marriage is for humans and other such muppets (Gazardiel). To think of restricting yourself in such a way, with actual vows, as a means of expressing love... Still, it does mean a fun hen night, as you can attest!

Yeah Gazardiel is treating your bouquet well. He has a huge place full of that kind of stuff. He basically collects something from each wedding he visits, and it's all kept perfectly clean and unchanging. The flowers won't even die, at least, not until he does. He visits the place as if it were a shrine.

That truth, dare or get spanked was great! It's a classic (well, for me anyway)! Oh I was not trying to "seduce" your husband... Just get him aroused at the sight of my gorgeous body. It was necessary (and fun)! He had to be enjoying himself doing the kind of things his father caters to in order to be able to communicate properly with him.

What makes me want to have sex with someone else? The fact that sex isn't just about expressing love! It's also a great deal of fun, and can be very perverted, which is my purpose in life.

Well, no I didn't really think you'd measure me, I was more 'hoping' you would. Still, just because Jack noticed, if you can't explain it, he'll have to drop it because he can't ask me himself. No harm done.

Yeah I didn't flash anyone at the wedding! As for the boobs thing, oh come on, girls do that all the time! That's what they're there for! Gosh, you've been having sex in so many places, such a lot I can't believe you hadn't realised that...

Now watching you (in full HD) is one thing, but hearing you talk about it has its own charm! At least you know now that there's plenty of stuff you can do that isn't wrong in any way, even if you are still limited to one person. I do love the way you can't refer to Jacks big penis at all though, makes you seem cute and innocent, it's quite attractive! You should try that on Jack sometime! Maybe in a schoolgirl uniform...

Ok, the more serious bit, the trust thing. The fact is, I can live with any damage done. I'm not like Michael, who feels he should be honest all the time. As long as the end result works out for those I care for, it's ok that you haven't forgiven me. You'll be happier because of it in the long term, even if you were a little upset at the time. That's what matters to me.

Love, light and medical experiments,
Gabriel

Signature - There'll be time for explanations later. And hopefully, some sex!

2008-10-31T23:41:00.010Z

To: God
Re: Love, Marriage and Sex

There are enough other people Gabriel could get off on, it doesn’t have to be me and Jack…

I feel so sorry for Damien right now. I know he’s brought all this on himself, but the poor guy is absolutely shattered from Michelle and Chelsea, without Kirsty as well. I talk to Damien most days on the phone, but the conversation never lasts long. If I can’t hear Chelesa crying in the background he’s practically falling asleep on the phone. He says he can’t wait for half term to be over so he can go back to college – he needs an excuse to be away from Michelle.

He’s barely seen Kirsty since Chelsea was born. I can’t see them lasting much longer. I wonder what excuse he’s given her. It would have to be a good one for him to only see her twice in over three weeks. There’s no way she can’t be suspicious of something. Damien can’t see that though, he’s too tired to notice that though.

Damien’s family aren’t helping him either. Michelle’s been staying at Damien’s house, and Chelsea’s been sleeping all day and crying all night. His parents are on the verge of kicking him out if he doesn’t do something about it, but Chelsea’s a three week old baby, there’s not a lot you CAN do about it.

I’m not at all surprised that she’s being bottle fed. That way, Michelle doesn’t have to get out of bed in the middle of the night, because she can make Damien do it all. From what I’ve heard Michelle won’t lift a finger for Chelsea while Damien’s there to do it for her.

I had to laugh in a sad way when Damien told me that Michelle didn’t say anything about their wedding for a whole week after Chelsea was born.

Of course, Michelle is never going to let Damien hear the end of it that he missed the birth, he’s had quite a lot of stick from her for that. I don’t know what he told her he was doing then – I can’t imagine he told her he was going to kill himself after spending the night with his ex-girlfriend. I’m sure he came up with some totally unbelievable lie for her.

I wish he’d do something about his situation, it’s painful to see him like he is. He cried to me on the phone last night. I think more than Michelle and Chelsea and Kirsty, the sleep deprivation is getting to him the most. Chelsea cries all night, and Michelle won’t get out of bed to see to her. If it wasn’t so unfair on Chelsea, I’d say for him to leave her crying long enough for Michelle to do it, but as well as that, the longer Chelsea cries for the closer his parents are brought to throwing him out, and the last thing I want to see is him having to move into Michelle’s house. She doesn’t need to have any more power over him. He’ll never stand up to her if she could put him on the streets.

I think it’s sad for Chelsea that Damien never says her name to me, it’s always ‘the baby’.

It’s getting so bad now it’s getting to the point where I want to say to Michelle all the things Damien won’t. I don’t know what he thinks he has left to lose. What’s the worst she can do? Leave him? Take Chelsea away? I’ll have to remember to tell him that the next time he phones, actually. I wish I knew what I could do to make him sort himself out.

If someone does kill themselves and their soul decides to come back and do that life again, they can’t come back as the same person, the world just doesn’t work that way. It might be their soul, and that might be a big part of makes people who they are, but so is your upbringing and the people around you. Let’s say Damien did kill himself and his soul came back, it still couldn’t be Damien as he is now. Somehow, I think his soul is the last thing on his mind right now though.

Well, when people change their names, it’s usually because they’ve changed as an individual. I suppose if we had wanted to, me and Jack could have both taken a new surname, but that just doesn’t feel right. Us getting married wasn’t about us becoming something new, it was about us coming together, so it was only right that I should become Poppy Honeywell to show the world that me are Jack are one - I’m his wife and he’s my husband (I still haven’t gotten over the thrill of being able to say that). I suppose it could have worked the other way, he could have become Jack Lancaster, but it’s tradition that the wife takes the husband’s name, and at the time I was only too happy to lose my dad’s surname, so I wouldn’t have wanted that, or even to have a double barrelled surname and become Poppy Lancaster-Honeywell. The only other name I would have possibly wanted would have been my mum’s maiden name, so then I would have been Poppy Honeywell-Adams, but it would make no sense for Jack to have that name, so much better that I just become Poppy Honeywell.

I do love my new surname. It’s so nice to say and write, and it’s symbolic of the fact that I’ll always belong to Jack. The only way I’m ever losing Jack’s name is to marry someone else, as if I can see that ever happening after Jack.

With Chelsea’s parents, I think getting teased because of her name is going to be the least of her worries. She’s going to have to grow up so quick.

You might think it’s a nice gesture that he’s given Chelsea my name, but I don’t want to be around when Michelle finds out Poppy is the name of his ex who he still loves a lot more than he loves her. I hope he has a good hiding place somewhere…

Okay, wedding. I hope you all like reading…

I’m still undecided on whether the hen night was good or not. I did really enjoy myself while I was there, but I look back on it now and cringe at some of the things that went on.

Well, I suppose I had better do this from the beginning. I remember looking at the time on my computer as the doorbell rang, it was 7:58. I wasn’t expecting Gabriel and Michael to turn up until 8, so I was caught off guard at first. I really could have done with just those two minutes to prepare myself mentally before Gabriel turned my life into complete and utter madness. I wasn’t in a rush to answer the door the door, but Gabriel apparently was, she pressed the doorbell seven times. I could see Gabriel and Michael through the frosted glass on the door as I came down the stairs. I took a deep breath before I opened the door. Here we go…

You really couldn’t help the fact that the first thing I noticed was Gabriel’s clothes (or lack thereof). I’d come up with so many rules about what she was and was not allowed to wear to the wedding, I couldn’t believe I hadn’t considered the hen night. She was wearing thigh-high black PVC boots with four inch heels, what I suppose by definition would be called a skirt, although it was more like a band of fabric that went around her. I own belts that cover me more than that skirt was covering her. It must have been six inches long at the most, and did hardly anything to cover what was her excuse for underwear. Her boobs, which would have put Jordan to shame, were ‘sort of’ being held in by a black PVC bra (which matched her boots), and that was it. No top or anything to speak of. Her face was, as usual, enough to give every girl in the area instant low self esteem. She was absolutely gorgeous. She had such dark eyes and dark lips, and her hair went all the way down to her waist.

It was a different story with Michael. I didn’t take notice of what he was wearing at all at first, just that (same as last time I saw him) he had the most beautiful blue eyes. They’re so deep, you can’t help but want to look into them. The only thing strong enough to make you want to stop, as he demonstrated, was one of his hugs. Michael gives the best hugs in the world, even better than Jack, and that’s saying something. He’s so big and warm and makes you feel so much better for it, like all your problems could be solved with a hug. If only they could.

Once me and Michael were done hugging (it almost feels disappointing when he lets you go), I finally did something that I’ve wanted to do for months now. I turned to Gabriel, looked her in the eyes, said ‘THIS is for watching me in the shower’, gathered every ounce of strength I had and gave her a dead arm. It was brilliant. I have so many memories from the hen night and the wedding and the honeymoon, but that’s got to be one of the top contenders for favourite. The look on Gabriel’s face was fantastic, like she had never seen it coming. She almost fell off her heels too, which was a nice little added bonus. I got such an adrenaline rush out of it.

Michael’s face was a picture too. I’d expect most guys to do something if someone gave their girlfriend a dead arm, but Michael just stood their smiling, no, laughing, even.

There was a brilliant silence after I hit Gabriel, maybe five seconds, the just one word from her: ‘Ow’. I felt even more smug after that, the smile on my face grew even wider.

I decided I didn’t want to be kept in suspense any more, so I just asked Gabriel then. ‘Go on, where are you taking me?’ Gabriel looked me up and down then said ‘You’re not going anywhere dressed like THAT’. Oh, the irony. The amount of mothers who would do anything to have their daughters go out dressed like I was. I gave Gabriel a look that more or less said ‘Oh well, guess I’m not going then’. She came up close to me then and put her arm around me (she had a brilliant red mark where I’d hit her) and said (a bit more matter of factly than I would have liked) ‘You’ve got a beautiful body. I know, I’ve seen it enough. Why do you want to hide it?’ She didn’t give me chance to answer before she added ‘You really ought to wear makeup when you’re going out, too.’ ‘I am!’ ‘Oh really? I can’t tell.’ Yeah, thanks Gabriel…

She took hold of my hand and dragged me back inside the house and up the stairs after deciding she was going to, and I quote, ‘help’ me pick out something to wear and ‘help’ me with my makeup. Michael followed us up and sat on my bed with me while I prepared for the worst.

Gabriel’s face was one of genuine horror and disappointment as she opened my wardrobe doors wide and said ‘Oh good lord’ ‘What?’ ‘Which Muslim charity shop did you get all of this from?’ Thanks again. An unpleasant image ran through my mind of what kind of things Gabriel’s wardrobe contained.

Gabriel started going through my wardrobe and chucking all over the room all the things she didn’t like i.e. everything. Each item she looked at for barely a second before deciding she didn’t like it and throwing it somewhere. There were a few tops there I remember thinking ‘she has to like that one, surely’, some of the strappy ones I wear in the summer, but no. She kept throwing more and more onto the bed, making comments like ‘What were you thinking when you bought this?’ I laughed when she got to the end: ‘The top of this dress isn’t entirely bad but I hate the colour and the bottom is ridiculous’ ‘Gabriel, that’s my wedding dress…’ At least she didn’t throw that one on the floor like she had with the rest.

Once she’d gone through everything on the coathangers, she started on the drawers. ‘Is denim going cheap somewhere?’ ‘Please tell me you didn’t pay money for this’ and on and on and on.

I could have just died when she started on my underwear drawer. She picked up one of my bras and looked at the label. ‘34C, I thought so. You’re so small! Well, you certainly won’t be needing any of these’ and all my bras went onto the floor with everything else.

Next, it was shoes. ‘Do you actually own any shoes that have heels?’ No, I don’t. I hate heels, so naturally all my shoes and boots went onto the floor too.

She wanted to unpack my suitcase for the honeymoon too and look in there, but there was no way I was going to let her, not after I’d spent half the day folding and packing it all.

So, now my room looked like a clothes bomb had exploded in my room, clothes were everywhere, you couldn’t even see the carpet. Then she had the nerve to say ‘Hmm, it probably would have been better if I’d just brought out the ones I liked.’ I was trying to figure out what to say, whether it should be ‘REALLY?!?’ or ‘There was something in there you LIKED?!?’ I was feeling victorious at this point though, since I’d either have to go out in what I was wearing or not go out at all. I wish.

‘I thought this might happen, so I came prepared’. Ugh, please, no. Michael went out and came back less than a minute later with a pink paper bag, handed it to Gabriel who then handed it to me. The contents weren’t actually THAT bad. There was a black skirt, and although I never wear skirts, it was bearable, since it almost came down to my knees (which made it over four times longer than Gabriel’s skirt), a white sleeveless blouse which could have been worse, although it did look quite small and slightly see through, then a pair of knee-high leather boots with two and a half inch heels. Again, could have been worse, but I had difficulty walking in my wedding shoes at first, and they’re not even an inch, so two and a half inches were never gonna happen.

I gave Gabriel a look and said ‘Where’s the rest of it?’ Gabriel gave me a look back and said ‘What do you mean? I just want you to try it on so I can see how much we still need to cut it.’ ‘WHAT?!?’ ‘Just kidding! I decided to aim low because I knew you would never agree to what I really wanted you to wear.’ I didn’t want to think about what she really wanted me to wear if this was her idea of aiming low.

I agreed to try it on, just to shut her up. Michael left the room to let me get changed, but Gabriel stood there expecting me to get changed there in front of her! Michael managed to get her out for long enough for me to get changed though, although his method was a bit questionable. He took hold of Gabriel’s hand and shoved it down his trousers, then Gabriel was more than happy to follow him out with her hand still down there. Thankfully, I couldn’t hear them through the closed door, but I could imagine what Gabriel was doing to him.

Now, apart from the heels on the boots, I didn’t actually have too much of a problem with the clothes, it was the way Gabriel wanted me to wear them. The skirt was a bit short, but bearable. At least it wasn’t short enough to be called a miniskirt. The blouse was a bit tight too, and sleeveless, but at least it kept me mostly covered, and I own a few sleeveless tops myself, so I couldn’t really complain on that front. The problems came when I showed Gabriel. I was wearing my skirt around my waist, but it was apparently supposed to go around my hips, the blouse was supposed to be worn with the top four buttons undone (and there were only seven buttons in total), and, heavens above, I was wearing a bra underneath! I wasn’t wearing the boots because it was all I could do to stand up in them, let alone walk. The blouse was pretty see through too, so there was no way I was going to not wear something underneath.

It took a good half an hour to come to a compromise, although looking back, Gabriel won with that a lot more than I did. I managed to keep the skirt around my waist, only because Gabriel realised that if I was wearing my skirt higher, more of my legs were showing. The blouse wasn’t much of a compromise, I still had to have the top four buttons undone, although I was allowed to wear a bra underneath of Gabriel’s choosing, a deep red one with black lace around the edge and knickers to match. With four buttons undone, the bra wasn’t covered by the blouse at all. Gabriel cut the buttons off too so I couldn’t do them up later. I told her it was the middle of October and cold outside, but Gabriel told me that was a good thing, since the cold would make my nipples stand out more. Ugh. As for the boots, Gabriel couldn’t believe that I hadn’t been taught to walk in heels at school. I told her I’d never worn proper heels before and two and a half inches was far too high, but she told me if she could walk in ten inch heels, I could walk in two and a half. Ten inches! I can’t even imagine what ten inch heels look like, let alone how to walk in them. In the end, she gave me a crash course (very fitting name) in walking in heels, and I wasn’t too bad at it by the end.

Next, makeup. Gabriel was shocked to find that I didn’t own any lipstick, but she had come unbelievably prepared. She was putting eyeliner and mascara on me like it was going out of fashion. I hardly recognised myself when I looked in the mirror, although I’ve got to say, not in a completely bad way. I still wasn’t sure whether I wanted to leave the house looking like that, but Michael hugged me and told me I looked beautiful, then I didn’t feel quite so embarrassed to go out.

So, now we’re just about ready to go. I really don’t know how I managed to not notice the bright red Ferrari parked opposite when I first answered the door to Gabriel and Michael. I asked Gabriel how she’d got a Ferrari, and immediately wished I didn’t. I would have almost rather she had said she had stolen it than the two words she gave me: ‘Prostitution pays.’

It really was an awesome car though, although I would have been more comfortable if Gabriel hadn’t said as me and Michael climbed in the back ‘You wouldn’t believe some of the things that back seat has seen’, then spent the first ten minutes of the journey explaining her experiences on just how many guys will instantly come home with you if you have Ferrari parked outside. It didn’t surprise me, actually. I’m sure that would work on 95% of the guys I see when I’m out. I know for a fact it would work on Damien.

The journey there was eventful to say the least. As we were headed out of town there was a group of guys in a car beside us, all probably about 20, and every time we stopped at a junction or a red light, Gabriel would flash them or do something otherwise obscene. At one set of traffic lights, she even got out and got into the other car. I’m so glad there was nobody behind us, because the lights changed to green twice before she came back. I don’t want to know what she got up to in that car, I didn’t watch.

Then, going down the dual carriageway at 150 miles an hour. I asked Gabriel how fast we were going and she told me 15. I knew we were going well over 15, then she said ‘Oh, I mean 150! Give me a break, I’m stuck behind some slow person!’ How we managed to get there in one piece without being arrested, I’ll never know.

After about 15 minutes on the dual carriageway, we arrived at our destination, although I still don’t really know where it was because Michael blindfolded me about 5 minutes before we got there and didn’t take it off until we were there and inside.

Gabriel could have gotten a room anywhere to hold my hen night. It could have been a pub, a nightclub, the town hall even, but no, although I suppose I shouldn’t have expected anything less than a pole dancing club from Gabriel, although thankfully there weren’t any actual pole dancers there at the time. I didn’t realise it was a pole dancing club at first, because I was just astounded by the number of people Gabriel had managed to gather together for my hen night. 20 in all, all angels. They all cheered as Gabriel took the blindfold off me, although I could have done without her taking a photo of me then to immortalise my reaction.

Gabriel took me around and introduced me to everyone. At first it was okay, but every angel she introduced me to was weirder than the last, until by the end it almost made Gabriel look normal. Right, let me think back to who was there and what order they came in…

First was Uriel, the angel of emotional attachments, who was so unbelievably nice (well, most of the time, although I’ll talk about what she got up to at the wedding when I get that far).

After Uriel came Gazardiel, the angel of marriage. I could live with having someone like him at my hen night. He’d had enough past experience of hen nights, this being the 512th one he’d been to, although it was apparently an honour to come to mine.

Next was, let me think…Muriel, the angel of emotions. She makes me look like the most emotionally stable girl in the world. One minute she’d be laughing uncontrollably and the next she’d be crying her eyes out.

Next, Iahel, the angel of interruption. She drove me mad. You can’t even open your mouth to speak without her butting in. Trying to hold a conversation with anyone while Iahel’s around is impossible.

Sat next to Iahel was Charoum, the angel of expression. As soon as I got to him he grabbed me in a hug and told me how awesome I was and that he was my number one fan. Okay…

Not difficult to remember, next was Shekinah, the angel of jealousy. She was really angry and jealous that Charoum got to hug me, but when I told her she could hug me if she wanted to, she decided she didn’t want to any more.

Next, Munkir and Nakir, the identical twins. I never did figure out why they made themselves look identical if they were so obsessed with not being the same and being treated as individuals.

Pashcar, the angel of blindness. Pash didn’t do much other than sit around with other people talking all night – it’s hard to get up and party when you can’t see anything. I remember thinking that I didn’t have much to worry about from her, at least she couldn’t watch me in the shower, but no, she apparently listens to me all day. Not freaky at all…

Sandalphon, the angel of feebleness. Sandy was so small and meek and…feeble. He made everyone else in the room feel hideously overdressed, not that I was entirely comfortable with what I was wearing to begin with.

This is where they started getting really weird. Ramiel, the angel of light showers, which explained why it had been raining as we’d come in. She was absolutely fascinated by rain.

The next one, I never did manage to remember his name, but neither could anyone else. Everyone was getting it wrong, and he practically had a heart attack every time it happened. I think it was something like Milk, no Melk…Mechesedec?…oh, I give up. It was something like that. To begin with, I learnt to just not refer to him by name, but once I started drinking I ended up calling him Melanie all night. Being the angel of precision, that wasn’t the only thing he was getting wound up over either.

Zuphlas, the angel of concrete. He spent most of the night sat on the floor saying what an abomination it was that the glorious concrete had been covered in lino.

Xaphan, the angel of eccentricity. He was weird to say the least, although not in a bad way like some of the other angels. He spent a lot of the night coming up with really weird ideas for things to do.

Cathetel, the angel of genetic engineering, who had obviously done a fair bit on herself too. Amongst other things, her eyes were bright blue, I thought she was wearing contacts at first.

Next, Lailah, the angel of conception. When Gabriel introduced me to her and told me what she was the angel of, she just said 'Well, let's just say it's a good thing you're on the pill otherwise you could well be pregnant from standing there'. Lailah promised me she had it under control though.

Next was Rehael, the angel of rebellion, who all night wanted to do something different to what everyone else was doing, and if anyone else joined in, he’d want to do something else.

You had to laugh as Gabriel introduced me to the next one. ‘This is Regina, the angel of transvestitism’, as if I couldn’t tell just be looking at him what he was the angel of. He was good fun. Camper than a row of tents.

Finally, the two angels who left me feeling mentally scarred to just think about them. They both looked like Gabriel’s birthday presents. Hamael, the angel of exposure. She made Gabriel look like she was dressed up for winter. She wasn’t really wearing clothes – “string” would be a more accurate description, which was being held in place by a few small strips of duct tape which had been given to her by Nisroc, the angel of bondage, who was wearing leather trousers and leather straps across his chest and metal bands around his wrists and neck. He was fiddling with two pairs of handcuffs at the time. That wasn’t going to be the last I saw of them either. I knew from the second I saw Hamael and Nisroc I knew they were bad news, and I was absolutely right. Hamael had made a bet with Gabriel that she’d never be able to get me there, a bet which Hamael had lost, so she had to lap dance for Gabriel.

I forced Michael to come with me to get a drink the second Gabriel sat down and Hamael jumped on top of her. There was no way I wanted to hang around and watch. Gabriel was enjoying herself so much that she didn’t notice we were gone until afterwards. I deliberately sat with my back to them because I didn’t even want to be able to see them out of the corner of my eye. The cheering and hooting from everyone was bad enough as it was.

Michael, on the other hand, deliberately placed himself so he COULD see them. It wasn’t that he was being perverted (well, most of the time). For that time, I could tell how in love he was with Gabriel – he was looking at her with the same look in his eyes that Jack looks at me with.

I said I was going to have one drink and that was going to be me done for the night. I never stuck to that though. I was just finishing my first vodka and coke as Hamael was finishing her lap dance. I was about to go back and sit with everyone when I hear Hamael say that she always loses bets, and one day Gabriel’s going to have to lap dance for her. Then, Gabriel’s response that kept me where I was: ‘If you wanted me to lap dance for you, all you had to do was ask’, and the cheering started again and I needed another drink as an excuse to stay at the bar.

I was watching Michael watching Gabriel lap dancing for Hamael. At first I thought he was a bit jealous, but he just said ‘Nah, Gabriel lap dances for me all the time.’ Too much information…

Gabriel came over to us then, out of breath but with a huge smile on her face, and sat on top of Michael. They sat there for a minute or two, both with their arms around each other. It’s a weird thing to see Gabriel like that, so calm, like the second Michael puts his arms around her she turns from a tiger into a kitten.

It didn’t last for too long though, less than two minutes later Gabriel was dragging me back to everyone else to play “a game”. Now, in my right mind, there’s no way I’d join in with that kind of game, especially with Gabriel, but I’d just had two vodka and cokes, so ‘Truth, dare or get spanked by everyone here’ seemed like a really good idea.

It was somehow really good fun though. I’ve got nothing to hide, so I went with truth every time, but the dares some of the others did were just really…I don’t even have the word. Since it had been Gabriel’s game, she was the one who got to decide on most of the truths and dares for everyone else. You can imagine the types of things she wanted people to do. Hamael took the dare right away because she knew Gabriel was going to make her take off what little clothes she had. That’s not even really a dare for Hamael, it’s more like permission. It did give me a small bit of satisfaction to see her wince as she pulled the duct tape off which was holding her ‘clothes’ in place, although that disappeared when Gabriel decided to lick it better…

Other ‘highlights’ included Nisroc having to lick everyone in the group in a place of their choosing. No prizes for guessing where Gabriel chose.

Michael had to stick his…private parts in a bowl of strawberry jam and have Gabriel lick it off. I closed my eyes and covered my ears for that one. Not pleasant to watch. Not even pleasant to think about.

Rehael got duct taped to a pole upside-down for ten minutes and all the blood rushed to his head, he had a headache and couldn’t think properly for a good while after that.

Gabriel naturally wanted to be spanked by everyone on her first turn. I hit her so hard though, she decided to do a truth on the second turn. Cathetel asked her what the biggest object she had ever inserted into herself was, and we got a very graphic story about the time Gabriel had managed to get hold of a 20 inch dildo from a guy who was having an affair with her at the time, and her mission to get it all the way in. That’s the kind of stuff I really didn’t want to know.

For me, my first truth was that Gabriel wanted to know about the first time I had masturbated. She harassed me for ages after I said I never had, saying I was lying and if I didn’t tell the truth I was going to get spanked. In the end, she was drunk enough to believe the totally ridiculous story I made up about how I’d done it in the toilets while on a school trip when I was 12. I kept making it more and more stupid and implausible as I went along, waiting for her to realise it was a lie, but she never did.

For my second truth, Gabriel wanted me to tell her about the first time I had given someone a blow job. I don’t know what kind of person she thinks I am. I told her I never had and had no intention of doing so, but her responses to those two statements were ‘No wonder Damien went off with two other girls’ and ‘That’ll all change when you see Jack standing there naked.’

It came around to my turn again, but Gabriel (who had had a fair bit to drink by this point) decided that I was too boring doing truths all the time, so she invented a new rule – ‘three truths and it’s spanking time’, so basically the only way I could get out of being spanked was to do a dare. I think Gabriel really wanted to spank me, but I could see her mind buzzing with ideas the second I said dare. It didn’t take long for her to decide though. Less than five seconds later, she came out with ‘I’ve always wanted to see you pole dance’. Ugh, why didn’t I just take the spanking? No, why was I joining in with this game at all?

The worst part was, I didn’t even object to it. My only real excuse was that I didn’t know how to. Of course, Gabriel was more than willing to teach me, and that was how I ended up up on the stage with all the angels clapping and cheering at me.

Remembering I’m a bit drunk, the first thing I came to realise was that it’s impossible to pole dance in an almost knee length skirt. The second I said that, Gabriel burst out with ‘You can have mine!’ and started undoing her zip. I managed to be sober enough to stop her, but not sober enough to know what the outcome would be of letting Gabriel loose with scissors on the skirt I was wearing. And at the time, I didn’t mind that she had cut my skirt barely below my bum and that she’d slit the side all the way up to my hip.

Gabriel teaching me how to pole dance is not something I wish to go to great lengths describing. That’s one part of my hen night that I think I’d probably rather forget. You’ll just have to imagine it.

The truth, dare or get spanked by everyone here kind of ended after that. Gabriel was quite flustered after watching me pole dance so she took Hamael with her to the toilet and they didn’t come back for the best part of an hour. I didn’t ask what they were doing in there all that time, I didn’t want to know.

The hen night became a bit more civilised after that. I went around with Michael talking to everyone. We started off chatting to Gaz, Pash and Uriel, since they were a bit more sane than everyone else (at first appearance, anyway). Gaz was telling me he’s been married over a thousand times and been to almost five thousand weddings. Nothing too weird until he started talking about how everyone was talking about me when Jack proposed and how he fell off his chair in excitement when someone told him. Uriel was fun to be around too, although she would do weird things like suddenly become emotionally attached to the table and get very defensive if any of us tried to put our drinks on it. I think she was a bit emotionally attached to me as well. A bit? As much as I hate chatspeak, the word ‘lol’ seems appropriate here. Pashcar was by far the most normal, other than the fact she couldn’t see anything and wanted me to hold her hand so I couldn’t leave her without her knowing. Michael spent quite a bit of time with Pash, being compassionate to her since she couldn’t do much if she couldn’t see.

Iahel and Charoum were bickering in the corner, so I decided to leave them be. I can’t blame Charoum for being wound up by Iahel. Iahel wound me up when she’d interrupt me, so for someone like Charoum whose whole life revolves around saying and expressing things, it must have been the worst kind of torture.

Muriel was overjoyed when I came to sit with her. Her face lit up. She was grinning all the way through talking to me, then all of a sudden she burst out into tears and told me how terrible she felt for me and Jack and how awful my future was going to be without him. Thanks for reminding me. I decided to leave her to it then. Even when I was talking with other people, I could hear her heaving dramatic sobs in the corner.

I learnt with Shekinah that the best method of dealing with her jealousy was to give her what she thought she wanted, then she’d quickly lose interest. She was hard work though.

Lailah was a different story to Gabriel. She was absolutely abhorred by the fact that I was planning on having sex with Jack but not getting pregnant. Other than that, she was nice to talk to, although I did wonder whether Gabriel would have been responsible enough not to invite her if she could make people pregnant just by looking at them and I wasn’t on the pill.

Xaphan somehow managed to engage me in a conversation concerning the ups and downs of using plastic skittles instead of wooden ones in bowling alleys. I’m not quite sure how that conversation started, but it went on for ages.

Xaphan decided it was time for another game. The good old hen night classic – chess. Yeah, chess. I thought he was going to whip a chess set out of his pocket or something. It wouldn’t have surprised me actually, that’s the kind of guy he was. He didn’t, but he was adamant that he wanted to play chess, despite the fact that we didn’t have a chess set. Unfortunately, he and Nisroc managed to overcome this problem. Nisroc had several rolls of white electrical insulation tape, which he used to mark out a chess board on the stage, and Xaphan was inventive enough to decide they could use drinks bottles as the chess pieces, and use the white insulation tape to distinguish between black pieces and white pieces. But no, just using drinks bottles wasn’t interesting enough. The bottles and glasses had to be full (as if we didn’t have enough empty ones lying around) and if any of your pieces were captured you had to down the contents.

I wouldn’t have minded that much if Xaphan hadn’t decided that he wanted to play with me, the girl who’s only played chess four times in her life and lost all of those four games. And for some reason, I decided to get up on the stage with him with everyone else watching us and play chess. The pawns were shots of vodka, the castles were pints of beer, the knights were bottles of Bacardi, the ‘white’ bishops were bottles of blue WKD and the ‘black’ bishops were red WKD bottles, the queens were bottles of white wine and the kings were bottles of red wine.

We never finished that game. I somehow managed to get away with only having to down three pawns, while Xaphan was on the floor after I took his queen.

Next, Munkir and Nakir both decided they wanted to play me at chess. They bickered for ages over who was going to play me first, ‘you always get to go first at everything etc etc, but eventually they ‘agreed’ to work as a team, although they argued over every move they were going to make. They did really seem to hate each other.

I beat them the first game, I managed to get them into check on my seventh turn, and checkmate on my ninth. Nakir never let Munkir hear the end of it that that move was his idea.

Then they decided best of three, but I beat them again. I had to down four shots of whisky and a bottle of Bacardi on that one. I think I got off quite easy though, they were really bad at chess. They were so consumed with arguing with each other when they both had the same basic ideas, they weren’t really concentrating on the game.

I was beginning to get drunk now, so I lost the fourth game (when Munkir and Nakir decided it was then best of five). Xaphan was absolutely plastered after I beat him, he grabbed the bottle of red wine that I would have had to down as my king before I could even touch it.

Gabriel and Hamael returned before the end of the last game, but I was too drunk to care what they’d been doing in the toilet for an hour, and even if I had been sober, I don’t think I’d have wanted to know. Well, I beat Munkir and Nakir, again. They went off on their own into a corner to have a drunken argument after that.

Well, we now had a load of drinks sitting around from chess of the pieces that hadn’t been captured. I don’t know at what point I decided it would be fun to join in with the game Xaphan came up with to do with them. It more or less involved us sitting in a circle, one of us having a drink and then passing it in your mouth to the person sat next to you. If you spilt or swallowed any (this was Hamael’s idea), you had to take one item of clothing off. Hamael was doing it on purpose though, although she insisted afterwards that she didn’t need an excuse to take her clothes off. For most of us, it was a matter of sort of aiming it into their mouth, although Gabriel made a great show of practically snogging the drink into the mouth of whoever she was sat next to at the time, that was if she wasn’t swallowing it as an excuse to get naked.

After that, we ended up limbo dancing, I’m not sure how though. That was an interesting experience to have while you’re drunk, I can tell you that. And of course, Gabriel, being about as drunk as I was by that point, loved to watch everyone bending over backwards. Rehael joined in too for once, although he was complaining about what was the point of going under bent backwards and crawled under it every time.

I somehow ended up inviting them all to the wedding. I admit, they were hard work while they were at the reception, but I’m glad I did invite them. After the limbo dancing we were all sat around, most of us recovering from damage done from positions our backs were not supposed to be put into, when Charoum was saying how much they all wish they could come to the wedding, then I just said ‘Oh, go on then’. They all looked at me then like I’d personally made them all win the lottery. I wonder if I would have said that sober. Don’t get me wrong, I hope I would have, because they were great fun to have at the wedding (well, when I wasn’t dying from embarrassment anyway).

Nisroc and Hamael didn’t like it when I told them the rules that applied to Gabriel about what she was allowed to wear applied to them as well, but I told them if they didn’t go by those rules then they couldn’t come. Of course, the rules applied to everyone else too, but I knew I didn’t have to worry about anyone else. I was even more worried about Hamael than I had been about Gabriel. Gabriel didn’t wear much, but at least she wasn’t taking every opportunity that came up to take her clothes off.

Somebody put some very loud music on then and we spent the rest of the night dancing after that. Gabriel was still denying on the night of the reception that it had been her who put ‘you can keep your hat on’ in the CD player and had ultimately ended in Xaphan doing a strip show and naked pole dance for us. We all thought it was hilarious at the time. Remind me never to get drunk again.

I’m not sure what time it was or where we were, I must have fallen asleep and woken up for a few seconds and fell asleep again, but I remember being outside and Gabriel complaining how cold she was, then I had the most genius idea that she should wear more clothes if she’s cold, then her looking at me as though that was the most stupid idea in the history of ideas.

I could have absolutely murdered Gabriel when I woke up the next morning. I had a bit of a headache, but I had been pacing myself the whole night, so I wasn’t really too hungover, and the headache passed by the time I got home. Remember those handcuffs Nisroc had been fiddling with when I first met him? This is where I saw them again. I’m not sure if I’ll ever forgive Gabriel for what she did. I found myself in my underwear, handcuffed to a lamppost and having no idea where I was. There wasn’t another soul in sight, although that might have been a good thing. Actually, that’s not strictly true, because there was someone else there. As I started to struggle to get out of the handcuffs, Jack, also in his underwear and handcuffed, woke up behind me. I swear, there is a huge debt to be repaid to me by Gabriel one day. I can’t remember ever wanting to hurt someone so much before. I still don’t know much about his stag night (although if Gabriel was involved, I think that’s a good thing), but I could have murdered Gabriel twice over – once for doing this to me and again for doing it to Jack.

I didn’t want to turn around at first, me and Jack weren’t supposed to see each other before the wedding, but tradition wasn’t going to help us get married if we couldn’t get out of the handcuffs because of it.

Oh, that compassionate side of Gabriel. She was kind enough not to just handcuff us both to a lamppost in our underwear and run away. No, she did leave the keys with us. Jack swivelled around the lamppost to be next to me so he could kiss me, because at the time I was getting so angry that I was just about ready to lift the lamppost out of the concrete to get free. As he was moving around, and as I leaned in to kiss him, I felt something cold down my bra. The key. At the same time, Jack felt something cold in his pants too. The key to his handcuffs. Great. We were both touching the keys to our handcuffs, but we just couldn’t get our hands there to use them. I could have killed Gabriel four times over now.

I sort of gave up on trying to get my key. I was cold and tired and I didn’t have the energy. I’d used up all my energy being angry, and Jack kissing me had completely drained me. Screw the wedding, I would have been happy to just get back to sleep at that point. Jack was trying to keep me going, saying ‘If we want to get married today, we’d better figure out how to get these keys’, but I didn’t have the energy, just a calm hatred that was growing inside of me.

That was when Jack hit upon the solution. I couldn’t get my hands down my bra to get the key. Jack couldn’t get his hands to my key either, but he could get his mouth…Oh, and by the way, this key wasn’t hanging out of the front of my bra, it was pushed right down the side. Nisroc and his bloody duct tape too. The end was taped into the inside of my bra so that it couldn’t be easily removed.

Jack finally managed to get the key out of my bra with his mouth, after what must have been at least ten minutes of having his face in my chest. My shoulders were hurting so much by the time he managed to use the key in his mouth to unlock my handcuffs from having my hands behind my back for so long.

I had to retrieve Jack’s key after that. I couldn’t even look at him while I was doing it. I knew, against his will before we were married, he liked it. By the end, I didn’t just want to murder Gabriel, I wanted to keep her locked up in a torture chamber for the next several decades.

Speak of the devil, she pulled up in her red Ferrari then with Michael. I was a bit annoyed at Michael for not being compassionate enough to stop Gabriel from doing it, I thought I could trust him, but Gabriel was the one I really wanted to let rip on. I wasn’t even thinking about it. I charged towards her with my fist ready to smack her into next year. She was so cocky too. ‘Warning: any violence towards the driver or her lovely car will result in said driver pissing off without you.’ I wanted to hit her even more then. It almost became my sole purpose in life. I didn’t doubt that she would leave me and Jack behind though, so I had no choice but to climb in the back. I think if Jack hadn’t been there with me, I would have gone ballistic at Gabriel. Even with Jack there, I still probably would have done it if he hadn’t been kissing me all the way back. I wasn’t so engrossed with Jack that I didn’t notice Gabriel looking at us in the rear view mirror every 15 seconds though. Her stupid excuse for a towel she gave us too to cover ourselves with. It was barely bigger than a flannel. No use in warming ourselves up whatsoever. Me and Jack had to wrap ourselves around each other to warm ourselves up after being outside in our underwear, although I think that was Gabriel’s intention.

I’m not sure there are many girls who can say they’ve snogged their husbands in the back of a Ferrari though.

Me and Jack were so lost in each other on the way back, we didn’t even notice when Gabriel pulled up outside of Jack’s house. We both noticed the car stop (or at least I did), but Gabriel didn’t say anything, she just carried on watching us. It wasn’t until I noticed that both she and Michael had turned around in their seats to watch us that I noticed we were back. It was a bit disappointing though. As mad as I was at Gabriel, I was quite enjoying myself. I was so tired though, and so was Jack. We both went home and went to bed for a few hours, since it was still only 6am and the wedding wasn’t until 1. I was so tired I got home and went to bed and was straight asleep without all the fidgeting and rolling over that normally comes when I’m forced to sleep without Jack.

I was so grouchy when Gabriel woke me up at 9. I’d had nowhere near the amount of sleep I really needed, although I wasn’t really expecting to sleep the night before my wedding anyway. 9 was about the latest I could really afford to wake up, since Nicole was due at 10. I was in the right mood to stay in bed for another half hour or so, but I’d gone to sleep in what I’d come home in (my underwear), and Gabriel stole my duvet when she woke me up and then proceeded to sit in my seat admiring me, so I decided it was time to get out.

I had to get Michael to stand guard outside the door while I was having a shower. Gabriel was doing everything she could to get inside. I put my pyjamas back on after my shower, since I was going to put my wedding dress on after Nicole had finished my hair and makeup. I tried to eat breakfast, but my stomach was full of butterflies, I was so nervous and excited and so many other things too.

Nicole came at 10 and did my hair and makeup, she really did a fantastic job. Gabriel wouldn’t admit it, but I think even she was impressed. Took about an hour to do. By the time she was finished, I was really beginning to get nervous. Eleven o’clock, two hours before the wedding. After Nicole left, I went upstairs to put my wedding dress on. I stood there with my wardrobe doors open for ages. My clothes were still all over the place after Gabriel had thrown them everywhere the night before, so the only thing left hanging in the wardrobe was my dress. I couldn’t believe the day had come. I was almost scared to put it on. I had been waiting like what seemed forever. And when I did put it on and looked in the mirror, the feeling was unbelievable. I couldn’t believe it was me and it was happening. The feeling was just indescribable.

By now it was almost eleven thirty. Michael had made me a cup of coffee just the way I like it with two and a half sugars. I really needed it. I was so happy, but at the same time I was a bag of nerves. It felt like I was in a dream, it was almost like bliss. I’ve never been that happy before.

And that was when my dad came home. The feeling I had of wanting to murder Gabriel when I woke up handcuffed to the lamppost with Jack was nothing compared to the feeling I had towards her now. In a second, my feeling of pure bliss and happiness shattered into a million pieces. I was so angry, upset, betrayed that Gabriel hadn’t kept him away. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look on my dad’s face as he came around the corner into the kitchen and I was sat there at the table ready to go to my wedding, even though I only looked at him for a few brief seconds before I fixed my most vicious glare on Gabriel. She wasn’t looking at me though. That wasn’t going to stop me talking to her though. Well, shouting, actually. I didn’t care if my dad was stood right there and could hear me. I didn’t care if the whole street could hear me. ‘You said you were gonna make sure he didn’t come home!!!’ Gabriel took a deep breath before she looked at me again. ‘Do you want the long answer or the short answer?’ Any excuse to ignore my dad for a few more seconds: ‘Long answer.’ ‘…I lied.’ ‘What the hell was the short answer?!?’ ‘Bye!’

Gabriel tried to get up and leave then, but before she could stand I shoved her back down onto her seat. ‘I knew it was a mistake to ask you from the beginning!! Why did I think it was a good idea to trust you?!? You come, get me pissed the night before my wedding, leave me and Jack handcuffed to a lamppost in our underwear, and now this!’ I was so close to doing serious damage to Gabriel. I was shouting so much my throat was really beginning to hurt.

If it hadn’t been for Michael, I think I really would have put Gabriel in hospital. Michael came and put his arms around me for long enough for me to calm down a bit. I could feel myself shaking. I still wonder if I still would have gotten as mad as I did if it weren’t for the sleep deprivation, but I was such a well of emotions that day, it’s not really surprising I got so angry so quickly. When I’d at least stopped hyperventilating, he talked to me so softly in my ear I don’t think Gabriel or Dad heard him. ‘Just talk to him, you both need it.’ ‘I can’t, Michael.’ ‘You can, you’re stronger than you think. Me and Gabriel will be back in plenty of time for the wedding. Just talk to him and see what happens.’ I really didn’t want to let Michael go, but I couldn’t stop him. He and Gabriel were gone, and I was left in the kitchen with my dad.

I could feel him staring at me, even though I wasn’t looking at him. Once my anger passed, I started to feel quite smug. What a way to tell your dad how much you really hate him than to sit there ready to go to your wedding and have him find you when he doesn’t know a thing about it. I looked at him then, but as soon as I made eye contact he looked away from me.

The silence went on for a good few minutes before my dad decided on something to say. ‘It looks like I haven’t been a part of your life enough.’ I laughed then. ‘You don’t say.’ ‘Poppy, we need to talk.’

I think it will be a long time before I forget what was said between us that morning.

‘Nine years and you hardly said a thing. Now, an hour and a half before my wedding, you decide we need to talk. I needed to talk nine years ago, and it didn’t happen. You’re too late.’
‘Nine years…’
‘Nine long, painful years.’
‘How old are you now, Poppy?’
I had to laugh then. He didn’t even know how old his only daughter was. That goes to show something. ‘Eighteen.’
‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Sorry doesn’t quite cut it.’
‘I’m a terrible father.’
‘You can say that again.’
‘I know. I’m sorry, I let things get away from me. Things have got to change.’
‘What’s brought all this on?’
Dad took a deep breath. ‘I went out last night.’
‘You go out almost every night.’
‘Let me finish. I met a girl last night. She can’t have been much older than you. She was sat on her own crying in the corner, so I went to sit with her and find out what was wrong and if there was anything I could do to help.’
‘And?’
Dad shook his head. ‘Something weird happened. I don’t know. The second I sat down next to her some great depression came over me. I didn’t know why, but I wanted to cry with her. I was so upset I started to feel physically sick. I threw up over the poor girl in the end.’
Poor Camael…
‘I don’t know what came over me. I was feeling so awful I wanted to kill myself. She told me she was going to kill herself too. We somehow agreed to do it together. We went to that bridge over the river as you head out of town, climbed over the railings, and I watched her jump.’ Dad started crying then. ‘I never knew her name. It reminded me how short and precious life is. How important things are and how much I’ve been wasting and taking for granted.’
‘Then what?’
‘I felt like such a failure. I was really going to jump after her, but a girl came up to me and stopped me. She knew the girl who had jumped before me. She got me talking about what I was so depressed over. I realised you’re all I have left.’
‘And yet you’ve been ignoring me all this time.’
He looked at me then. ‘The older you get, the more and more you look like your mother. I can hardly bear to look at you sometimes.’
‘It’s been nine years, Dad.’
‘You never get over the death of someone you love.’
As if I didn’t already know that.
‘The day Marie and I got married was one of the happiest of my life, second only to the day you were born. I told myself I was going to be the best dad ever.’
I don’t know what it was, but something stopped me from saying ‘Well, that went out the window, didn’t it?’
‘Us three had some of the best times, didn’t we?’
I was starting to cry now. I didn’t want to think about Mum on my wedding day. I wanted her to be there. I didn’t want him to, but Dad noticed. ‘Why are you saying all this?’
Dad shrugged. ‘There’s apparently a lot I don’t know about you. You were going to get married without telling me.’
‘Yeah, still…’
‘You probably think I turned into some cold heartless monster after your mum died.’
I didn’t argue. It was more or less true. ‘All I wanted was to talk to you, but you didn’t want to listen.’
‘I couldn’t listen.’
‘I was nine years old! You were supposed to be my dad!’
‘I was going through the worst time of my life. Things had happened that you didn’t know about.’
‘Like what?’
Dad didn’t answer me for a few seconds. ‘Do you really want to know?’
I decided I did, even though I really didn’t. ‘Yeah.’
‘You never knew your mum was pregnant before she died, did you?’
That knocked the wind from my chest. The tears really started coming then. ‘Why didn’t you ever tell me?’
‘We were going to, me and Marie. We’d spent so long trying for another baby. You were the best daughter we could ever ask for, but we wanted a son too. Marie wanted a big family. We were so happy when she found she was pregnant again. Then a few months later, that night came. I’ll always remember that night. It was a Friday. I was supposed to finish work at six, then I was going to come home and we were going to tell you together…’ Dad stopped for a few seconds. It was strange and unusual for me to see him showing any kind of emotion. ‘She was expecting a boy. We were going to call him Jack…We were so looking forward to telling you. Then, half past five that night we were all told the company I was working for at the time had gone bust and we were all made redundant a few weeks before Christmas. I had to come home and tell your mum that. I came home and found her crying. I thought she somehow already knew , but she didn’t. At the same time I’d been being made redundant, she’d had a miscarriage. I couldn’t find the words to say to her. In the end she decided she needed some space and went out for a walk by herself. Four hours later, the police were knocking on the door…I’d gone from looking forward to telling you you were going to have a baby brother to having to find the words to somehow tell you your mother had been killed.’
I was in floods of tears now. So much I went and sat next to Dad and he put his arms around me for the first time in years. ‘All this time, you never told me.’
‘I know, but it was so painful and you just never needed to know. It wasn’t until I met Angela that I was able to talk about it.’
‘Who’s Angela?’

Then Dad told me all about her. When he found a new job five months later, he met and fell in love with Angela. I almost felt jealous on Mum’s behalf until he told me the reason I never knew Angela. The day the school called my dad in to talk about holding me back a year was the same day Angela was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer, exactly the same as Jack. It suddenly all made sense to me. How could I blame him for not caring about me when that was going through his mind? I’ve been there myself. It was almost like looking in the mirror for me, or a glimpse into the future. Is that what I’m going to be like when Jack’s gone?

Dad told me how Angela didn’t want a slow and painful death. She turned down the chance to have chemotherapy and four weeks later she was dead. After that, he promised himself he was never going to let himself fall in love again, and that was how he ended up like he is now.

After everything he’d now told me, I understood completely. I couldn’t blame him for acting the way he has for so long when he had gone through exactly the same thing that I’m going through right now. I wish he could have told me all this years ago. At least that way I’d know and not have spent my life wondering why he had been ignoring me. I know how he feels now.

It seemed appropriate then to tell Dad about Jack. It had been something I hadn’t wanted to think about on my wedding day, but I couldn’t not tell him. It helped to be able to talk to someone who knew exactly what I was going through, even if I did cry all the way through. I never thought the person I’d be able to talk to like that would have been my dad though.

Dad was shocked to hear me tell him about Jack having cancer, but he listened to every word I had to say. I told him the whole story of how we met and how he’d later told me he had cancer right up to what had happened to end up here with me about to marry him.

Dad told me how Angela wanted him to stop seeing her when she found out she was going to due and I told him that Jack was exactly the same. And after we had both found out our loved ones were dying, it made us both love them even more. Me and Dad are more alike than we had thought.

Time was getting on, I didn’t realise the time until Gabriel and Michael came back to tell me my car was waiting outside to take me to the wedding. It was embarrassing when they first came in. Obviously this had all been Gabriel’s plan and I didn’t want to admit to her that it had worked. Not just that, but with all the crying I’d been doing my makeup was ruined. I really needed the magic hug that Michael gave me then.

I invited Dad to the wedding. I felt like he should be there after what had just happened. He went upstairs to find a suit to put on while I (very much reluctantly, but I didn’t have much choice) let Gabriel redo my makeup. I’ll probably regret saying this the second Gabriel reads this, but she did a brilliant job, even better than Nicole had done. I was worried at first when she started ‘This is now good, it’ll all have to come off’ ‘Gabriel, I’m getting married in 34 minutes.’ She was so quick though, it was done before Dad came back downstairs again.

My heart was racing when I got in the car with Dad to go to the wedding. Actually, it was when I stepped out the door and saw the car waiting there with all the ribbons and everything on it. I was almost crying on the way there. I could hardly believe that I was really on the way to my wedding. It was unreal, too good to be true. Dad had his arm around me all the way there. He couldn’t quite believe he was on the way to my wedding either, although obviously for different reasons.

Gabriel and Michael made their own way there. About three miles down the road we saw Gabriel’s Ferrari speed past us. They were already there when we arrived at about twenty to one.

Emily was waiting for us outside when we arrived, jumping up and down excited to see us. She was so pretty in her bridesmaids dress.

I was so nervous when I got inside, I was almost happy to have a reason to have a go at Gabriel. I quite liked the outfit she had been wearing at my house, I should have know that it couldn’t have been that easy to get her to wear something normal. The reason she had come in the Ferrari instead of coming in the car with us was so she could get changed and it would be too late for me to do anything about it once I was at the wedding. Her skirt was so tight it was a wonder she could walk in it, but it was two inches above the knee. The shirt was the problem. Technically, it was one inch below the collarbone, since there was a strap of fabric going across her collarbone. Of course, there wasn’t much going on below that other than cleavage. I let her off though since it could have been worse – at least it was above her nipples (her top was so tight everyone could clearly see that). I was waiting all day for her to fall off or give up on her six inch heels, I was rather disappointed to find it didn’t happen.

I knew it was going to be a sign of things to come though when I was talking to the registrar just before we were about to start and Gabriel whispered in my ear ‘Don’t you think she looks delicious?’ I was right, too. That didn’t even come close to being the worst thing she said.

Just before one, Gabriel and Michael went inside. I was an absolute nervous wreck. Michael gave me a hug and Gabriel gave me some general words of encouragement (she had wanted to hug me too, although I think that could have been more to do with the fact her heels put her boobs at my eye level), then they went inside and it was just me, Dad and Emily.

I don’t think I’d ever be able to forget the moment I stepped into the room, even if I wanted to. It’s hard to say what was the first thing for me to notice. Probably the smell – the aroma from all the different types of flowers was incredible. All the people there overwhelmed me. We had only been expecting 14 people, and now there were 35 with all the angels there. It was great (and pretty scary too!) to see to room full of people who had come to see me and Jack get married. Jack’s dad was there too – something I wasn’t expecting to see, although I could hardly complain. It was Jack’s choice, and his dad was just watching. My dad was walking me down the aisle!

Once I looked at Jack properly, I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I was wondering what I’d done to deserve him, he was so gorgeous. The way he was looking at me, I think he was having similar thoughts about me too. I almost forgot how to walk when I was looking at Jack. He knows I love it when he wears blue. He always looks fantastic when he wears blue, so that’s what colour his suit was. He had a deep blue fitted jacket, the same colour waistcoat and trousers, a pale blue shirt, and bright blue tie and a red poppy in his buttonhole. I went all weak at the knees. It was so easy looking at Jack to forget the amount of people watching me. As if I could care about anything else with him standing there like that.

Me and Jack were staring at each other all the way through the ceremony. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. He was just amazing. The way he was looking at me with his eyes and his smile…wow. Even through the tears of happiness in my eyes, that will be one of the images of Jack that will be burnt into my memory forever. He looked so brilliant, I was only vaguely aware of the wedding that was going on around us.

My hands were shaking so much as Jack put the ring on my finger, it was a wonder he got it on at all. And the kiss at the end, it was the best kiss I’ve ever had. Even with everyone watching us, I could have stood there forever with him. I can remember that kiss in perfect detail, the way it felt when he stepped forward and put his hands around my waist, how brilliant it felt to have him that close to me when I put my arms around his shoulders, and the feeling when our lips touched…Even him getting down on one knee on top of a mountain was nothing compared to that kiss. It was without a doubt the most perfect moment of my life.

I’ve got a point to make now. If Ramiel can make it stop raining for long enough for us to all go outside and take photos, Gabriel must be capable of refraining from…well, being herself. I was in such a state of pure happiness at the time she didn’t bother me too much (and Jack thought she was absolutely hilarious), but I look back at some of it now and I must remember to slap her the next time I see her.

It started before we’d even got outside as Gabriel declared for everyone to hear ‘I’m not used to having my photo taken with clothes on’ then proceeded to tell me and Jack and everyone else within hearing distance her history of page three and ‘I’ve been in Playboy three times now!’ Michael wasn’t even there to keep her under control. Not too long after Ramiel had decided she was going to stop it raining for us she got a migraine and Michael was trying to make her feel better.

I had to have a private giggle to myself as we got outside and it had obviously been raining everywhere except the hotel gardens where we were going to take the photos. There was even a ray of sun beaming down on us through the rainclouds and there was a rainbow overhead. Jack said it was like the angels were smiling down on our wedding. If only he knew there were 22 angels standing right there as he said that, or the actual angel responsible was in a fair bit of pain from doing that for us. I’m so grateful to Ramiel for doing that for us though.

Gabriel hardly stopped the whole time the photos were being taken. I could have just died when she pulled a tape measure from her pocket in front of everyone and said (so much more loudly than she really had to) ‘Hey Poppy, do you still want to measure my boobs?’ I thought that couldn’t get any worse until Jack looked at her and she decided to explain: ‘Well, Poppy said she was going to measure my boobs to make sure they’re too big. What do you think Jack? Are they too big?’ Jack just smiled and told her ‘They’re fantastic.’ It couldn’t even end there. ‘I’m so glad you think so because I’m not used to having boobs this small but Poppy doesn’t like it when they’re big.’ I buried my face in Jack’s chest to hide the fact that all the blood had rushed to my face. And Gabriel still couldn’t let it end. ‘Aww, bless! She’s gone bright red! Don’t worry, my boobs aren’t much bigger than yours today!’ Please, just kill me now… I’m so glad Jack didn’t decide to question how she could change the size of her boobs, because she couldn’t have given him the truth. I don’t want to know what she would have come up with.

I didn’t notice at the time, but now we’ve got the photos back I realise that Gabriel had pulled her skirt up for most of them. I can’t believe I didn’t know. Two inches above the knee, it’s barely two inches blow her bum in some of them. Other than that, she’s got her hand on someone’s bum in a lot of the photos (including Jack in one – seriously Gabriel, you’re dead the next time I see you).

Oh, another thing I could have killed Gabriel over – how she decided to ‘help’ the photographer. ‘On the count of three, everyone say “testicles!” One, two, three…’

Other than that, we did actually manage to get some really nice photos. There’s a really nice one of Gabriel and Michael – you’d almost think they were a normal couple in that photo. There’s a fantastic big group picture of everyone. Gabriel’s even got her skirt down and her hands are in front of her too. I’d want to get that picture printed really big for my room, but in a few months I’m not sure if I’ll even be able to bear to look at it…

Me and Jack took Ramiel back in to sit down after the photos were done, since Michael was otherwise occupied. As soon as the last photo had been taken, Gabriel grabbed hold of Michael and dragged him back inside saying as loud as I think she possibly could ‘We have to find a bed before this vagina consumes someone!’ and Jack looked at me as if to ask ‘How do you know her?’

It poured down with rain once we got inside, although it was really sunny at the same time, which was a strange sight to see. Ramiel was worn out from all the effort she had gone to to stop it raining.

The whole day was interesting because we obviously couldn’t really tell or let anyone else know they were all angels, and for most of them their names were a dead giveaway. Some of them were alright, but for example, put three people called Gabriel, Michael and Uriel in a room together, and you don’t even have to be Christian to figure out there’s something weird going on there. Most of the angels came up with their own human names so they’d fit in and not arouse any kind of suspicion, but then that caused problems with me trying to remember their new names. It had took me long enough at my hen night trying to remember their real names, and now I had to learn a whole new set of names for them. Michael was fine, he could easily get away with keeping his real name. Gabriel stayed as she was too – Gabriel is a human name even if it’s not that common (and I made her stay as Gabriel after she pointed out that Gabriella was her porn star name). Muriel again was fine, she had a perfectly normal name. Munkir, Nakir and Regina kept their real names too – even if they’re uncommon or unusual, they weren’t really angelic sounding names. Some of the others were easy to remember, like how Cathetel became Cathy and Lailah became Leah, but others were hard. For some reason, I couldn’t remember that Mellkis…Miches…Melchisedek? Screw it, Melanie. You know who I’m talking about. For some reason, I just couldn’t remember his new name was Chris. It seems so obvious now I’m sat here thinking about it.

Gabriel and Michael came back to us before we all sat down for lunch. They looked like they’d been having fun, that’s all I’m going to say.

I’ve got to say what a fantastic job the caterers did. The food was absolutely delicious and they had to bend over backwards to make enough food for 38 people when they’d only been expecting 16, but they were brilliant. They didn’t even ask any questions when we asked if Sarah (Shekinah to you and me) could have two meals – one of each so she couldn’t be jealous of what other people were having.

I was so full after the meal, but it was so nice I could easily have had another helping. I felt like I could have popped out of my dress. Gabriel looked like she could too, although in quite a different way…

After the meal is traditionally speech time, but Jack didn’t have a best man and we’d only invited our dads to the wedding hours (not even that in my case) before it had started, so neither of them had very much to say. We were all about to move out into the other room then, but no. Gabriel decided she was going to instate herself and Michael as maid of honour and best man and show us all how a speech should really be done. Michael was actually really good, although I had to laugh at how he began. ‘In the short time I’ve known Jack…’ They hadn’t even known each other a day.

Gabriel’s speech on the other hand, made me extremely disappointed to find that the waitresses had taken all the cutlery away- I would have done anything for a knife or a fork to throw at her, since I wasn’t within hitting distance. She hadn’t given us any warning she was going to do a speech, we all thought it was just going to be Michael. She just stood up and started ‘As Poppy’s maid of honour, I feel that…’ I almost choked on my glass of wine.

It got worse and worse the longer it went on. ‘I’d like to thank Jack’s dad for allowing us the use of his pole dancing club for the hen and stag nights. People laughed at me. They said I’d never be able to get Poppy and Jack into the same pole dancing club without them knowing about each other.’ Everyone else laughed, but I could have killed Gabriel then. I couldn’t believe she had taken me and Jack to the same pole dancing club. I couldn’t believe she had taken Jack to one, but worse, one owned by his dad. That certainly explained all the free drinks we had had… me and Jack were both looking at each other. This was news to both of us. We both wanted to know what the other had been up to. Gabriel wasn’t going to keep us in suspense for long though. ‘Jack, if only you could have seen Poppy pole dancing last night…’ I felt myself go bright red as she said that. In true Gabriel fashion, it was only going to get worse from there.

I don’t know where Gabriel was hiding all this stuff inside her skirt. It was far too tight to have the kind of pockets she could have hidden a bunch of DVDs in, but that’s what she brought out anyway. ‘Here, wedding present!’ ‘Gabriel, what’s on this DVD?’ ‘A video I thought Jack might be interested in.’ ‘What kind of video?’ ‘Just a certain someone at a certain party last night dancing around a certain pole. It’s in full HD, the picture quality is amazing.’ How many times over did I want to kill Gabriel by now? ‘You didn’t tell me you were filming it!’ ‘You might have said no!’ I WOULD have said no!’ ‘Exactly!’ She’d even made two copies, so we could have one each. Thank goodness Jack had his arms around me, I needed the calming effect he normally has on me.

Still, it managed to get worse. Gabriel placed another DVD on the table. ‘Poppy, you might enjoy this one.’ I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know, but I knew she was going to tell me anyway. ‘What’s on THIS one?’ ‘This is one of me and Hannah lap dancing for Jack. Now it was Jack’s turn to go bright red. I guess that explained what Gabriel and Hamael had been doing for an hour ‘in the little girls’ room’. I wasn’t mad at Jack at all, but I was so annoyed with Gabriel. Me and Jack have since agreed we’re not going to watch either DVD. All the copies are in the back of my drawer and they’re never coming out again.

After that, we went out into the main room and me and Jack had our first dance. It was amazing, even though before Gabriel had been trying to convince us it should be a lap dance. ‘Go on, it’ll make your wedding different! You know you’re really good at pole dancing, I’ve got the DVD to prove it. Lap dancing isn’t really that much different to pole dancing. Either way, you’re dancing around something long and hard.’

Anyway, that didn’t happen…

Jack had taken his jacket off for the dance. The way he looked with his shirt and waistcoat on…he was fantastic. He looks absolutely gorgeous on a normal day, so the way he looked then…I’m running out of good synonyms for ‘amazing’.

The dance was brilliant. Like the kiss, I wanted it to go on forever. Jack was talking in my ear about how far we’d come in the four months we’d known each other. I couldn’t believe it had only been four months. It seemed like years. I started to wonder what I had been doing with my life before I met Jack, and how we had not met each other sooner since we live so close to each other. I said that to Jack, but he said the circumstances might have been different. We might not have gotten to know each other, and I might only have ever been the girl down the road to him. It was a horrible thought.

I caught Michael and Gabriel dancing together after that. It was certainly a strange sight to see, them acting like a normal couple. She had her arms around his shoulders too – not down his trousers or on his bum. She was leaning her head against his too. I wish I had got a photo to remind her of how normal she’s capable of being. I guess even Gabriel can’t resist the feeling you get when Michael puts his arms around you.

I think Michael couldn’t resist the feeling Gabriel gives people though. Not too long after that they disappeared for about 15 minutes and when they came back Michael was wearing a different shirt. I can imagine the reasons why.

Jack’s mum and dad were dancing together too. I could feel Jack watching them over my shoulder as he was dancing with me. I wonder what was going through his mind.

I danced with Michael when he and Gabriel came back. He would have been great to dance with if I could have relaxed and I didn’t feel like I had to keep my eye on Gabriel dancing with Jack. Michael’s affect had apparently worn off her by then – her hands were on Jack’s bum all the time they were dancing together.

Shekinah got jealous after that, she wanted to dance too. She danced with Jack while Charoum was very expressive about the fact that he wanted to dance with me. Michael whispered in my ear before he handed me over to him ‘Just nod and pretend you’re listening.’ It was good advice. I could barely get a word in edgeways all the time we were dancing together. I’ve got no idea what he was talking about. I was so happy to get Jack back after that. He was happy to get me back too. I think Shekinah had made him jealous.

After all the dancing we went back into the other room and cut the wedding cake, then after that I threw my bouquet. All the angels wet themselves laughing when Gabriel was the one who caught it. I said that meant she had to get married to Michael now, but she said ‘No way, marriage is supposed to mean you can’t have sex with anyone else.’ I did a double take when Michael said to Gabriel after that ‘Get rid of that bouquet before fate stops us seducing virgins.’ I’d expect that kind of thing from Gabriel, but Michael…I was so glad that by that point Jack had learnt to take everything they said as a joke, even though I knew they weren’t joking. Gabriel passed the bouquet to Gazardiel (aka Gary) who happened to be standing next to her. He was overjoyed that he got my bouquet. He kept saying he was going to treasure it forever. Naturally, Shekinah was jealous, but that’s just Shekinah.

After all that we went back and had a full on party. It was brilliant. Gabriel managed to get Yellow Submarine played, I wish I was able to say that it wasn’t the most fun we had all night, but it was. Everyone was banging on the tables and singing along, it was so funny.

Uriel spent a good while sulking in the corner. As we were all starting to eat the wedding cake, Uriel (aka Ariel) became emotionally attached to one of the little icing roses that had been on the cake. Poor old Sandy, he didn’t know and ate it. She spent a good while after that throwing a fit at him then proceeded to go and cry in the corner. Emily, bless her, she went over and hugged her to make her feel better and gave her the rose from her piece of cake.

Emily was so happy to see her dad again. I wondered how long it had been since they had last seen each other.

Oh yeah, I have news! Well, Gabriel and Lailah did something good at the wedding (makes a change for Gabriel). Gabriel overheard Jack’s cousin Susie telling someone about how she and her husband John had been trying so long for a baby, they had IVF before but it failed. They’ve been told by the doctor now she has something wrong with her womb that means she can’t get pregnant. Gabriel and Lailah (being the angel of conception) went off and spent at least three quarters of an hour with Susie and John. Susie phoned Jack’s mum on Monday night for a chat, apparently her period was due a few days after the wedding but she hasn’t had it yet, she thinks she might be pregnant. Early days yet though.

Gabriel was actually surprisingly well behaved. I never noticed anyone other than Michael missing with her. My only issue was her using the mens’ toilets. She claimed the reason was that she had been sitting with Pashcar (aka Carmen) and couldn’t see the sign properly, but I knew that was rubbish because of the fact that I had just been sat with Pash. I knew she was doing it on purpose the first time, and the second, and the third, and all the times after that. I don’t think I saw her go into the ladies’ toilets once. I knew she didn’t even need to go to the toilet, she was just going in there because she was just being Gabriel. The first time I caught her, I didn’t know what to do. I knew she was up to no good, none of the angels were going to go in there and stop her doing whatever she was doing, but I knew I couldn’t send Jack in there either. Jack happened to need the bathroom just after I saw Gabriel go in one time, I had to stall him long enough for her to come back out again. I saw Jack’s dad go in once after she went in. I saw him fumbling with his zip when he came back out again a second after Gabriel. My heart skipped a beat, although Gabriel insisted afterwards nothing had happened and it was just a coincidence. I gave up in the end and just hoped that whoever was in there at the time wasn’t going to encourage her to do anything.

Zuphlas was happy. One of Jack’s uncles is a builder – they were having an animated discussion about concrete all night.

And at the end of the night, me and Jack went to bed…

Oh yeah, Gabriel just before we went to bed. I don’t know what time it was, probably some time around midnight. Me and Jack had gotten tired of dancing and talking to everyone and went to sit in a corner by ourselves and have some time with each other. Jack was doing that smile at me and running his lips across my skin, and the way he was kissing me was so passionate. And the way his tongue…I won’t gross you out with the details. I could feel my pulse all the way through my body. And then, Jack kissed me and brought his lips up to my ear, and said in the most seductive voice I’ve ever heard come out of his mouth ‘Time for bed, don’t you think?’ I would have said yes if I had still retained the capacity of speech at the sound of his voice like that. It was all I could do to nod. I could barely wait for the bedroom, I wanted his clothes off there and then. I didn’t care how fantastic he looked in his clothes, I knew he was going to be even better out of them. We couldn’t wait around to tell everyone we were going, we were intending to just sneak off, but Gabriel wasn’t going to let that happen. I don’t know how Gabriel managed to hear what Jack had said, or where she suddenly appeared from, but all of a sudden she was in our faces dancing around singing ‘You’re going to bed! You’re going to bed!’ We know we’re going to bed, shut up! I’m so glad Gabriel couldn’t see from that angle that my hand was up Jack’s shirt, or that Jack was trying to do the zip back up on my dress. I was too ready for it to let Gabriel bother me though. I’d been waiting for too long.

I almost changed my mind on that when Gabriel decided to be ‘helpful’ and put what must have been the world’s largest tube of lube into Jack’s hand and said ‘You might want to use this the first few times, big boy, or Poppy’ll feel like she’s having a baby in reverse!’ She came around to my side then and said in my ear ‘It’s strawberry flavoured too.’ Ugh. I can’t eat anything strawberry flavoured now, it reminds me of that first time. Of all the weird things that could turn me on, it’s the smell of strawberries. We had strawberry shampoo on the honeymoon, I think that helped to contribute too.

Me and Jack couldn’t get to the bedroom quick enough, although not before Gabriel put her arms around us both and said ‘I’ll let you two virgins go have fun now.’

Our bedroom door seemed to take forever to open, we both wanted to get in so badly. Then when it was open, Jack lifted me up, threw me on to the bed, jumped on top of me, undid my zip and started to…nah, I’m going to keep Gabriel waiting on the description of that particular part of my wedding day.

Jack’s dad drove us to the airport the next morning after we’d said goodbye to everyone. It was hard for Jack to say goodbye to some of his family. They live so far away it was probably going to be the last time they ever saw each other.

I can’t remember the last time I wrote this much, and I’ve still got all the honeymoon to talk about yet…

The honeymoon was amazing, even more amazing than the wedding. We were at the airport before Jack told me where we were going. It would have been impossible for him to get me on a plane without me knowing where it was headed to. It didn’t make too much difference though. He had to tell me where the plane was going, but he still wouldn’t tell me where else we were going once we were there.

We slept almost all the way there. We were completely worn out, and we’d been up so late the previous few nights, the second we sat down on the plane we were pretty much asleep.

I suppose I should go from the beginning of the honeymoon, if there’s any way I can hope to remember to describe everything that we did, there was so much.

Anyway, New York City. The first of so many amazing places we went to across America. We stayed in New York for three days. It was such an amazing place. We did so much there. We went to the top of the Statue of Liberty and the Empire State Building, we went to Central Park, Brooklyn Botanic Gardens (that was an amazing place. There was so much there like Japanese gardens and rose gardens and cherry trees and…so much more. I could go on forever. It was beautiful). We went to Broadway and saw Phantom of the Opera (yeah, I know I’ve seen it before in London, but it was so fantastic I wanted to see it again, so we did! It made me cry just as much as it did last time too) and Hairspray, we spent a day in Chinatown in Manhattan, which was an amazing place. The culture there was fantastic. Well, not just Chinatown really, but the whole of New York. It was a bit of a culture shock at first. Life is so different there. We ate out every night, then at night we’d go back to our hotel and…well, yeah. It was like that for the whole honeymoon, not just in New York, and more than once a night, most nights. There was so much we did in New York, I couldn’t possibly hope to be able to describe it all here and now. It’d take forever. Museums, jazz clubs, restaurants, oh! The helicopter! We went on a helicopter and flew over Niagra Falls! That was absolutely breathtaking.

Then, as if New York wasn’t enough, we moved on then. Day four, we were back on the plane again heading west. Jack had wanted to go to Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon, but by American law, you can’t drink or gamble until you’re 21, so we gave that a miss, and the Grand Canyon was out of the way of where else we were going, so we didn’t go there either. I didn’t mind too much though, because it meant we got to go to Disneyland in California! That was fantastic. Took us half the day to get there on the plane, but it was so totally worth it. We stayed in one of the hotels in Disneyland for three nights, four days. They were having all of the Halloween events at Disneyland while we were there, which was really good. Me and Jack are such kids, we both loved Disneyland. I won’t go into too much detail, you can probably imagine what we got up to in Disneyland. I wish we could have stayed there longer, although I could say that about the whole honeymoon, it was so fantastic.

Then after Disneyland, we spent two days in Hollywood, which was great. We went to the walk of fame on Hollywood Boulevard, we went to the wax museum, and loads of other museums there too with all sorts of film stuff, we went up to the Hollywood sign, the hotel we were staying in was amazing, we had a king size bed, and it was so comfortable. We went on a tour of two of the movie studios too, that was brilliant. We saw Eddie Murphy and Reese Witherspoon while we were there too!

Then, for the rest of the honeymoon, Hawaii! Hawaii was brilliant. We went to the Sea Life park and went swimming with dolphins! We spent a lot of time on the beach, we went shopping in Honolulu and Waikiki, scuba diving on the coral reef, we even went in one of those cages underwater with the sharks! We went whale and turtle spotting, we went on a glass bottom boat, into the jungle, we flew over a volcano at night (that was unbelievable, the lava was running into the sea, which was fantastic to watch), we got up one morning to watch the sun rise (seriously, British sun sucks!), we went in a submarine, we went to the Waimea Canyon, and probably a load of other stuff that I can’t think of right now, there was so much of it. Hawaii was my favourite. Sun, every day. We only saw rain once for about 5 minutes. Warm rain is a really weird thing to experience. Our hotel was right by the sea too, so once we were done during the day we’d go down to the beach and stay there until about 10 o’clock at night, because the nights just weren’t cold at all.

So, now we’re back home and have 742 photos to look through. When did we take that many?

All in all though, I’m glad to be back in England now. These last few weeks have been total madness. We came home on Tuesday. Me and Jack are keeping strange hours at the moment. The jet lag hasn’t worn off and taken us back to British time yet. By the time I started getting used to the time zone we were in, we were heading west again and even further behind British time. Hawaii was ten hours behind England, so it’s going to take a while for us to get back to British time again. We got out of bed at 2pm today.

It’s so weird to have my dad talking to me now. He doesn’t say very much, but at least he acknowledges my existence when we pass each other and holds a conversation with me, even if it never lasts that long. He seems kind of embarrassed when he talks to me, like he doesn’t know what to say. I usually end up saying more than he does, but at least he’s listening.

Jack’s got a double bed in his room now, his dad bought it for us and put it in there while we were gone. Not that we sleep any further apart now we’ve got the space to anyway, but it is nice to be able to lie next to each other rather than on top of each other when we want to. We still go and sleep at my house though. Emily’s room is next to Jack’s, and it’s not fair for us to be…making noise while Emily’s next door.

Jack’s dad has been over loads since the wedding. He’s stayed the night quite a few times since the wedding, since he lives over an hour away. Emily’s certainly happy with him around all the time. He’s been taking her places for the half term. He took her trick or treating for Halloween tonight.

Jack’s mum has finished her job for a while. The college has given her the rest of the academic year off and someone else is teaching her classes so she can be home for Jack.

Gabriel, I’m sure what’s best for society isn’t people living in fear of being executed for putting so much as a toe out of line.

This damn weather, it’s so cold and miserable. I want to go back to Hawaii…

Ugh, I’ve been dreading the conversation I’m about to have with you.

Yeah, I supposed with what me and Jack have been up to since the wedding, claims that we’re both sex crazed maniacs wouldn’t be totally unfounded, considering on a low day we might only have sex three or four times.

Right, I’m beyond the point of caring who’s watching now, but the least you can do is stop recording it! Seriously! Do you really think I want to watch it back? Any DVDs I get will never see the light of day again, they’ll be straight in the drawer with the rest of them, assuming I don’t burn them.

Hold on, you’re saying I should PUT CLOTHES ON? I’ll remember this day forever…Unfortunate for you, the only person I have any intention of taking requests from is Jack.

You might be exhibitionist enough to want people watching, but what happens between me and Jack is going to stay that way. We’re not going to have people watching us, we’re not going to be setting up video cameras, we’re not going to be doing it in the middle of the high street, just no. It’s enough on our own, even if I did think there was anything else that could possibly make it any better than it already is.

Ha, yeah, it must have looked like we were trying for some kind of record. We weren’t doing it on purpose, it was just a result of going to so many places and doing so many different things, suddenly finding ourselves in the mood and not having the willpower to wait until we got back to our room. Nobody else around to see, so no real reason not to do it in the shower or in the hot tub or in the back of Jack’s car or on the beach. If someone had told me six months ago I’d be doing it as often as I am in as many places as I have, I’d never have believed them. Hey, I probably would have probably said the same just a few weeks ago.

Yeah, I know, mornings are getting a bit ridiculous now, but if it’s worth doing once, it’s worth doing twice. It’s always been a given that we’re going to do it in the shower, Jack doesn’t even bother asking if I want to shower with him now, he knows the answer is never going to be no.

Wednesday morning was the first time we did it in the shower and the bedroom in the morning, I can see it’s becoming a daily occurrence now though.

I shock myself at some of the things that I find coming out of my mouth. Like Wednesday, we’d just done it in the shower, got out, and Jack asked if I was planning on drying myself or if I was just going to stand there, and I told him I’d rather he dried me. I don’t think before I say things now, I say what I think, that’s what results in me saying things like I did Wednesday morning like ‘I hope you’re not planning on letting that perfectly good erection go to waste’. This morning made me laugh when he said ‘Do I have to dry you today or can I just bed you now?’ My rational side would have said ‘Well, if you don’t dry me then the bed’s going to get wet’, but I can’t say no to that voice and that smile, even if he hadn’t been half way inside me as he asked.

Yeah, I know. You were right, I was wrong, we’ve had sex in the shower almost every day since the wedding, I hope you’re happy. You’d think I would be better at not getting water in my mouth by now. The only time I’ve managed to not do that was yesterday morning. There was something else in my mouth yesterday…

I thought you’d like my wedding dress. Well, you and Michael should get married, you did catch my bouquet, you’re supposed to get married now! Is Gaz treasuring my bouquet as much as he said he would?

I got to the wedding after what must have been the most eventful 24 hours of my life and about 4 hours of sleep. I still haven’t forgiven you for handcuffing us to a lamppost in our underwear, don’t know if I ever will. And you let my dad come home. I don’t care what the end result was, you still lied to me and officially lost what little trust I had in you. It’s going to take a long time for you to earn that back.

The wedding was the most incredible day of my life, I don’t think anything will be able to come anywhere near close to matching how purely brilliant it was.

I did enjoy the hen night in a manner of speaking. I’m ashamed to say I did enjoy it. I’d almost be more inclined to say I enjoyed it the most while you weren’t there, at least it was generally civilised while you were gone (with the exception of when Xaphan got drunk playing chess and amongst other things tried to convince me to marry him instead of Jack and Nisroc had to duct tape him to a chair to stop him drinking any more), but now I know time you weren’t spending with me was time you were off lap dancing or otherwise trying to seduce my husband, I’ve revised that opinion on that. I’m never letting you throw me a party ever again though, I still feel mentally scarred from your truth or dare game.

No, that wasn’t me being quiet. Funnily enough, you’re the last thing I think about when me and Jack are having sex. I’m not going to let the thought of you watching do anything to spoil whatever Jack does to me, even if you did cross my mind for a second.

Ugh, I can’t be bothered to be embarrassed that you were watching that. It was bloody fantastic, if you really couldn’t tell. I wouldn’t have thought Jack had that kind of thing in him before. He’s turned into a right animal since the wedding (in a totally brilliant way). He can’t keep his hands or mouth off of me for more than 10 minutes, I love it.

The thing I can’t understand about you and Michael, beyond the totally unconditional love, is what makes you want to have sex with anyone else. I can’t even bear to think about doing it with anyone but Jack. It just wouldn’t be special if it wasn’t him. The thought repulses me, actually.

Did you really think I was going to stand there and measure you in front of everyone? You did seem to be picking the most embarrassing moments to say things. Even if I did measure you to check, it’s not like I could have demanded that you make your boobs the right size there and then. Com eon, there’s no way you were really a D.

On the plane, Jack did say to me ‘Don’t take this observation the wrong way, but I swear Gabriel’s boobs were far bigger at the stag night than at the wedding.’ I couldn’t say ‘Yeah, because they were. You did have a blinding continuity problem going on there.

Yeah, you didn’t flash anyone, well done. I did forget to hit you for grabbing hold of Michael’s head and shoving it in your boobs in front of Jack’s mum and dad though, you’ll have to remind me the next time I see you.

I can’t remember the last time I actually undressed myself, Jack always does it now. The way it makes me smile is nothing compared to the way it makes Jack smile though. Oh, that little turned on smile he’s got…It’s the same the other way around though, it’s been a good while since I last let Jack take his clothes off himself. I don’t know what it is about taking each other’s clothes off that’s so great, it’s probably knowing what’s going to come next.

Yeah, I know you can’t die. Doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy thinking about it. A LOT.

Well, I suppose I had better talk about sex properly now, I said I was going to.

Oh Gabriel, it’s been brilliant, and it gets better every time we do it. I don’t know how I can possibly do it justice by describing it, the English language seems so horribly inadequate.

I don’t actually remember very much of the first time, not in detail anyway, I was so overwhelmed by it all.

Me and Jack went back to our room at the hotel that night and Jack had the key. Every second seemed to go on forever as he got out the key and unlocked the door, we both wanted to get in so badly. Once he’d got in he turned to me and lifted me up and carried me in onto the bed, then literally jumped on top of me. I ripped his shirt off as he was undoing the zip on my dress, most of the buttons came off then. Was a shame, he looked really good in that shirt, but I just couldn’t wait any longer to take it off properly. The feel of his skin against mine as he took my dress off me was incredible. What is it about sex that makes you suddenly lose the ability to undo trouser buttons? I don’t know. From the time he first touched me there until the end, I don’t really remember any details other than the fact that I felt like my heart and my body felt like they couldn’t keep up with how incredible it felt. My heart rate must have quadrupled at the very least from the point he first went in, and then, at the end, with just him on top of me and us both looking at each other with tired, worn out smiles on our faces not knowing what to say.

The first morning we woke up in New York together and he asked if I wanted to shower with him…I couldn’t even answer him with words, a dirty laugh came out of my mouth. The only thing I don’t like about sex in the shower (apart from getting water in my mouth every time – the only thing worse than getting water in my mouth is getting bubbles in my mouth) is that he doesn’t undress me, because when we get out of bed in the morning we’re already undressed from the night before, but sex in the shower makes up for it in other ways like Jack having his hands all over me with bubbles. I love waking up with Jack with no clothes on. It just doesn’t get any better than that.

We didn’t have a shower in our room in Disneyland, only a bath, so we had sex in the bath in Disneyland. If we do that again, we’ll have to remember to not put so much water in. It was fine when we were just lying there, but once we started moving about there was water all over the floor. Then again, lying in a bath that’s only half full can’t be fun, even if it is with Jack.

Hawaii was where it really took off though. The first night we got there it was 11pm and we were in the hot tub, that was great. It was like in the bath but better. I think hot tub sex was my favourite, actually. All that nice warm water, but you don’t have to worry about getting it in your mouth like you do in the shower or on the floor like in the bath.

The beach was somewhere I never thought I’d be having sex with Jack. We were lying together on the beach one night at half past ten and there was nobody else around. We were lying there kissing, then I knew what it was going to turn into because of the way he was touching me – the way he touches me when he wants sex is different to the way he normally touches me – but I was in the mood by then too, and by the time he put his hand down my bikini bottoms and whispered in my ear that there was nobody else around, it wasn’t like I was going to say no at that point.

We did it by the pool in our hotel too one night, it was really hard keeping quiet though knowing there were people not that far away, even if they couldn’t see us.

I don’t know where to begin describing what it actually feels like though, it’s just unbelievable. It’s unreal what two bodies can do to each other. My heart beats like mad and I just can’t breathe enough to keep up with my heart, and my brain can’t hold onto any train of thought for more than a second and I can’t get even half a coherent sentence out, and Jack’s the same, all he can say is my name. The rest of the world seems to disappear and all that matters is me and Jack in those minutes of brilliance.

Sex on the honeymoon was quite different to sex since we’ve been home though, and not just for the reason that there’s far more of it now we’re home. It was different on honeymoon, we had other things to do, but now we’re home, there’s nothing much more to do with the weather being like it is, so it’s not unusual for us to be having sex every two or three hours if the opportunity is there.

Wednesday night was embarrassing, we lost track of the time. We were there on the sofa in my living room with Jack on top of me with no shirt on and us both in the process of undoing each others’ trousers when Dad came home from work. I’m just so glad he didn’t come home a minute later, my dad coming home to find that would have been awful. He knows we’re doing it, but I don’t want him to be there to see. I want to blush just thinking about it.

We’ve had sex in just about every room in my house now. We have to go down to my house because there’s always someone home at Jack’s house, whereas my house is empty from 8.30 in the morning until just after 6 in the evening, and even then, Dad doesn’t care what we do as long as we’re in my bedroom and we have the door closed. He doesn’t know about us having sex elsewhere in the house while he’s gone though, I don’t know if he’d mind or not. He knows what it’s like to have your loved one dying, he’s told me I’ve got to get the most out of every second I have with Jack. Well, if we were going to go upstairs to my room every time Jack put his hands down my trousers or started undoing his, that would be a good 15 seconds wasted.

We did it in the back of Jack’s car when we came home the other night, Jack’s mum and dad had taken Emily out so we knew nobody was home to see us, so we did it on the back seat. I didn’t like that so much though, it was weird me being on the top, but there’s not enough space in the car for me to be on the bottom.

Tuesday night Jack did it with his mouth…wow…that was something I wasn’t expecting…It was so different to doing it with his…..yeah. We’d already had sex twice since we’d gone to bed that night, it must have been some ridiculous hour of the morning when Jack woke me up with a kiss (ha, yeah, he hated waking me up when he was going into chemo for a week and I wasn’t going to see him, but he’ll wake me up for sex!) and started touching my body with his hands like he does, then his mouth, and he worked his way all the way down to…

Yesterday morning I did it to Jack with my mouth in the shower. I think it’s safe to say he liked that.

Right, I’m going to stop typing now or my fingers are going to fall off. That and Jack’s standing here waiting for me to undress him…

-Poppy

2008-10-29T13:01:00.005Z

To: Poppy
Re: Death and Chatting

Well, you might not agree with everything Gabriel's got in mind, but don't forget it's usually for a good cause nowadays. Michael's influence makes sure of that. Still, even if she's watching you and metaphorically licking her lips, that doesn't actually do any harm does it?

Now, onto Damien...

For starters at least he knows about Jack properly now. It's also nice that he's managed to express how he feels to you, when a build-up of emotions that strong is trapped it can do untold damage. Talking about it relieves the pressure somewhat, and it's given him plenty to think about. Of course, it won't do him any good in the long run unless he decides to do something about his situation. He has the motivation now though, so he has a better chance than he did. He knows you understand some of what he feels too, so he's got someone to open up to.

Damien's got another problem too which is draining him, and that is that he's spreading his energy too thin. Bad enough that he has two girlfriends, but to have to keep them secret from each other, watching exactly what he says all the time and with a baby too...

He wanted to know what happens when you die, and there are some different answers. Most of the time, if it's by suicide the soul goes through the exact same life, altering tiny bits to get a different perspective on things. For this reason, it's usually best to avoid because you're only going to end up redoing all this again. As a generic guide to death, the following happens in fairly short order:

a) The soul is separated from the physical body.

b) Memories of all previous lives are reintegrated with the soul.

c) The soul evaluates the life it's just finished, and makes one of three choices:

- It can redo the life, as previously mentioned.

- It can take on a different life.

- It can reunite with the source.

The first two are fairly self explanatory, choosing the third means the soul will cease to exist as a separate entity and it's experiences will be merged fully with mine.

It is funny about surnames. Names are supposed to define you as an individual, but they change when you get married or whenever you feel like it. In a situation like that, does nobody consider scrapping both surnames and coming up with a new one? Still, it's a nice gesture to have your name included in the baby, although given the amount of names she's got and your society's tendency to pick on children for the slightest difference... Well, I expect she'll have to grow up quite fast.

Be waiting for you upon your return. I'm sure we'll be eager to hear all about it!

-----Original Message-----

From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]

Sent: 10th October 2008 20:02

To: God

Subject: FW: Life and Living

Well, if they live in fear of doing the things that are wrong that's not so bad is it? Besides, they all just come back here and get reincarnated or whatever, you can't really do any wrong. You can only decide on what's good for you, and for your society.

Anyways, to the important bit. Oh WOW you put on quite a show! I'll send you the latest DVD's in the post. They prove conclusively that this quote from you - "It’s not because I’m some sex crazed maniac" is not true.

Oh, two days from now will be Halloween, and I have a small request. Can you dress up as a devil for Jack? I know it's short notice but that'd be so great!

a) Ok, just cause you haven't purposely tried it yet doesn't mean you won't. After all:

b) Wow!

c) Oh yes!

It's important to note you said b) and c) very often during your wedding night and honeymoon! Also, were you trying for a record in places to do it? Not to mention this morning, shower AND bedroom? Poppy?! What would the angels say? Ha!

I love to say I told you so (one of my hobbies, actually), but I'll just say it once. "I told you so!"

I'll leave it to you to describe exactly what happened, unless you'd prefer if I did it? Thought not...

Well hey, I thought I did a good job on your makeup. Good thing you cried in a way, looked better after I redid it. I have to admit though, I did like your wedding dress. Pity it was a bit long, but the top half was very sexy. Almost makes me want to get married (yeah right whatever).

Heh, we got you to the wedding on time didn't we? It was great wasn't it? You enjoyed the hen night (and I already know Jack enjoyed his stag night!) didn't you?

That was you being quiet?! Oh my, Poppy, I must see what you're like when you let yourself go! Speaking of that, how'd you enjoy the kissing? Again I don't mean the lips on your face... Yeah, we saw.

1)

a) Ok so I got that bit...

b) Covered by a)

c) That's just it, it's a question of making love unconditional.

2) Well I'm disappointed. I brought that tape measure especially for you and you never felt me up. I mean measured me!

3) Ok... Didn't flash anyone. No police busting in or anything...

4) There's no reason it shouldn't make you smile. You love him!

I = Angel = Can't die.

Love, light and medical experiments,

Gabriel

Signature - There'll be time for explanations later. And hopefully, some sex!

ps. Poppy you were fantastic! Really were. I'm so proud!

2008-10-10T19:58:00.005+01:00

To: God
Re: Life and Living

That’s really the impression I’m getting from Damien now about Michelle – anything for a quiet life. He does just agree with whatever Michelle says just to shut her up, and it’s getting harder for him to say no to her, even when it’s something he feels strongly about.

I feel like I’ve broken Damien now. I think I’ve ruined the chances of him splitting up with Michelle, because I’ve told him I’m getting married, and now he feels like there’s no reason for him to split up with Michelle. I saw that Saturday night, but I’ll get onto that in a minute, I’ve got some other stuff to say first.

I know how Jack feels about his dad. That’s pretty much the way I feel about my dad. There’s no way I want my dad there, so I can’t really blame Jack for not wanting his dad there either. I don’t want to imagine what Gabriel’s got in mind, but I’ll just say I’ll kill her if she does anything to upset Jack. I’m sure it’s not going to be the only thing I’ll want to kill her over, either.

It’s different when Gabriel watches me to when anyone else watches. With anyone else, I could be happy they were sharing in my joy, but with Gabriel, it’s perverted. I know she couldn’t watch me being happy trying on my wedding dress, all she’d be concentrating on was me taking my clothes off. I hate it, I can’t do anything without worrying how Gabriel’s watching me.

Believe me, I am really worried about my hen night now. I’m dreading it.

Well, I said I was going to talk about Saturday night. What a night it was. I’m still getting over it. It was Damien’s birthday on Saturday and he phoned me that evening to ask if I wanted to meet up somewhere. I wasn’t sure if it was really a good idea, but I’m not heartless enough to say no on his birthday, and I was so bored with Jack away in hospital, so it didn’t take much persuasion.

I wasn’t really in the mood for pubbing and clubbing, and it shocked me that Damien wasn’t either. He really isn’t a happy person right now, and Saturday night didn’t make that any better. We’d agreed to meet up by the entrance to the park about ten minutes from my house. I was walking, even though he’d offered to pick me up in his car, but we wanted to go to the park since we only intended to talk, and we wanted somewhere quiet to do that. I was a bit late getting there by the time I managed to tear myself away from Emily. Not that late though, five minutes at the most, but you should have seen his smile when I got there. He thought I was going to stand him up. He told me that getting to see me was the best birthday present he’d had, and I knew he meant that too. I could feel he was unsure of how to handle himself around me, not wanting to do anything to upset me. The change in him when I hugged him was unbelievable. Afterwards, I could tell that had been exactly what he had needed. He was a totally different person after that.

We’d intended to go and sit in the park and talk, but the wind was absolutely freezing and it had been trying to rain all day, so we went and got fish and chips and sat in Damien’s car eating them. We must have sat there talking for two hours, probably more, about so many different things. I could feel how happy he was to have me there talking with him, even when the conversation fell onto Michelle and Kirsty. You could tell that me being there with him there and then was the happiest he’d been in a long time, since I can’t really remember the last time we got together properly.

It was a total contrast to when the conversation turned onto Jack. I can’t even remember how the topic of Jack came up, but I could tell he hated me talking about him. He couldn’t even look at me, or say anything back. I told him I’m getting married, and the silence was deafening after that. I’d forgotten he didn’t know. I could almost hear his heart break. I could certainly feel it. I felt awful after that. We’d been talking all night, but after that he hardly said anything for the longest time. When he did speak, I could hear in his voice that he was trying so hard not to cry, and he couldn’t look at me because he knew that would start it off. I felt so guilty. He’d spent so long before that telling me all the things that were making his life hell, then afterwards, I dropped that on him too. I didn’t even break it to him gently. I started talking about the wedding, forgetting he didn’t know. His hand was on the gearstick and it was shaking, so to comfort him I went to hold his hand, but the second I touched him he pulled away so sharply it left me in shock for a few moments. I never thought I’d see him act that way towards me touching him, especially after the way he’d reacted to me hugging him earlier. I remember him leaning his head against the window and watching his breath steaming up the glass, but then I saw a tear roll down his cheek and I couldn’t bear to look at him any more. The worst part was that I could tell he was trying to hold it in. It was horrible. I felt like I wanted to crawl into a corner and die.

It was beginning to rain harder by this point, but I would have been more than happy to walk home then if Damien wanted to be alone, but when I asked if that was what he wanted he took hold of my hand and didn’t let go. I’m so glad it was my right hand. I hate to think how it would have made us both feel if it was the hand with my engagement ring on.

We sat there for what seemed like forever. Time seemed to slow down so much, I don’t know how long it was before he started to run his thumb down my fingers. I think he was just about to say something when his phone rang. I’m still not sure if I want to know what he was going to say. I didn’t know who was on the other end of the phone, and Damien didn’t say anything, but when he hung up he completely lost it and broke down in tears. I put my hand on his arm, then he turned to me and put his arms around me and cried on my shoulder. I put my arms around him and listened to him crying and telling me how much he loves me and how sorry he is for everything he’s done, begging me to take him back, and for that time I wished I could have. I felt awful. It was one thing to make him cry, but to make him cry like that on his birthday…I felt so low. I would have done just about anything to make him feel better.

It must have been at least half an hour before he calmed down enough for me to ask him who had been on the phone. It was his brother Darren, phoning to tell him that Michelle had gone into labour and was being taken to hospital. I remembered thinking how crazy it all was. For most guys, their first child being born was one of the happiest times of their lives, but Damien burst into tears at the news. What I wouldn’t do to be able to have with Jack what Damien was having with Michelle. Damien had sat there crying, pleading with me to forgive him and take him back without so much as a thought for going to the hospital and being with Michelle.

I knew he wasn’t going to go to the hospital while he had me there as an excuse, but he begged for me not to leave, and I couldn’t refuse. I managed to persuade him to go to the hospital, and by then it must have been about an hour and a half since Darren had phoned. Michelle’s not a nice person at the best of times, I’d hate to get on her bad side while she was giving birth. I think it must have been about midnight by now, but me being tired was secondary to everything else that was going on.

I agreed to go to the hospital with Damien, not that I had any intention of going in to see Michelle, but going with Damien was the least I could do right now. By the time we got to the hospital, it was at least two hours since Darren had phoned. I’d hate to be on the receiving end of Michelle after that, but whether it was that or something else, Damien didn’t go in. We sat there in the car in the hospital car park in total silence, Damien not moving an inch. We sat there for almost two hours, and all that time, Damien never said a word. By now it was gone 2am, and four hours since Darren had phoned. I remember wondering if the baby had been born yet. The silence was beginning to send me to sleep, but when Damien broke the silence, the question he asked made me sit up and take notice.

I’m sure the sound of his voice will haunt me forever as out of the total silence he asked me “Poppy? What happens after we die?” It took my brain a few seconds to comprehend what he was asking, and even worse, why he was asking it. When my brain figured that one out, it knocked the wind from my chest. I looked at him, but it was the calmest I’d seen him since I’d told him I’m getting married. He was leaning his head back against the headrest, staring at the ceiling of the car. I couldn’t answer him though. He looked me in the eyes, and what I saw there was the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever seen, made even worse by the fact that I know how that feels. I’ve been there. He didn’t have to tell me. I know what it’s like to feel like death is the only way out and there’s nothing left to live for. I didn’t feel like I could answer his question, so I told him my story, about how in April I was ready to kill myself too, and why I’m so glad I’m still here now. I think he was shocked at the end. He stared at me, not knowing what to say (although he’d barely said anything for two hours, so that could have had something to do with it). I didn’t say anything to him, I just let the information sink in.

I thought my story had worked on him, but after a minute of silence, he shook his head. I’ll never forget the sound of his voice as he asked me, so quietly it was almost a whisper “Answer me honestly, there’s no way I’m ever getting back together with you, is there?” I couldn’t think of a way to answer him that wasn’t going to break his heart. In the end, I didn’t have to. The silence was as good as a no.

Again, he was quiet for a few moments. He was breathing so deeply, I couldn’t imagine what was going through his mind. Finally, he took hold of my hand and asked me to kiss him one last time. I couldn’t say no to him when he was like that. I closed my eyes and forced myself to pretend it was Jack. After, he was so calm. He looked me in the eyes, told me he loved me, then climbed out of the car.

I climbed out after him, asking where he was going, but he told me that I was better off not knowing. I didn’t like that answer at all. He walked away from me, and in totally the opposite direction to the hospital too. I followed him but he kept telling me to stop. Of course I couldn’t stop. I was scared for what he was going to do.

I must have been following for the best part of a mile when he finally stopped. On the outskirts of town there’s an industrial estate, and there wasn’t a single other person in sight who could help me when I knew he was going to try something, and to make it worse, no mobile phone signal either. It seems a stupid place for it, but in behind the industrial estate there’s a nature reserve, and on the far side there’s a cliff. Okay, not really a proper cliff by cliff standards, but it’s a sharp drop, and far enough down that nobody’s going to come out smiling if they go off the edge and hit the rock at the bottom. My heart must have almost stopped when I saw him go up to the edge.

I was crying again by this point. I begged for him to come away from the edge, but I don’t think he was even listening to me at first. I wasn’t sure until he told me he’d only come away if I’d marry him. I could have slapped myself at the automatic response that came out. “What, so I can be like you and marry someone I don’t love?” I’m not sure which swear word was the first to come to mind after that.

Needless to say, it didn’t help. It made it worse than it already was. He started shouting at me. “What the fuck is the point of me going on, Poppy? What have I got to live for? You know what Michelle’s like. It’ll be even worse once the baby’s born.”

And since I’d apparently lost any kind of control over my mouth: “Do you know what I’d do to have a kid with Jack? Do you know what I’d do to have what you have?” “Then why don’t you?” “BECAUSE HE’S DYING!” The silence after that…I had NOT meant to say that.

Damien sobered up a bit then. He asked me what I meant, and I told him all about Jack having cancer and what emotional torture it was sometimes being in love with him.

I cried all the way through telling him about Jack, I didn’t really take notice of the fact that he’d come away from the edge and was sat on the floor with me with his arms around me. When I’d finished, I was just about ready to fall asleep in his arms. I don’t know what time it was, but my guess would be some time around 4.

We sat there for a while after that. Damien had calmed down so much in that short time it was unbelievable. I don’t know how long we were sat there, but Damien turned his phone on and told me it was 4.30. He’d had 17 missed calls. It made me laugh when he sighed and said “Michelle must have been in agony. I can’t believe I missed the chance to see it”.

He phoned Darren to tell Michelle he would be there soon, then pulled me up onto my feet. The car was still at the hospital (it was only now that either of us realised that we hadn’t locked it when we had left it, but at the time his car had been the last thing on his mind), so we’d have to walk back to the hospital. He have me a piggyback half of the way there, I really didn’t have the energy to walk, and I fell asleep on his back.

I woke up again when we got to the hospital. I could tell he was feeling awkward. I thought it was just about going in to see Michelle, but it was something else. Damien embarrassed wasn’t something I’d seen since he first asked me to go out with him when we were both 16. He told me he didn’t want me to feel bad or uncomfortable around him, even though he’ll never stop loving me, and he hates not getting to see me that often, and if he can’t be my boyfriend, he could at least be my friend. I agreed to that. After that night, I don’t think either of us will look at each other the same way, and we needed a fresh start between us. He offered to take me back home first, but I was so tired, and I knew Michelle shouldn’t be kept waiting any longer, I was happy for him to just give me his car keys so I could go to sleep on the back seat. We hugged, then I went down to the car while Damien went inside to find Michelle.

Damien’s back seat was by no means a comfortable place to lie down, but I was so tired I was out immediately. I woke up at 11.30 Sunday morning. There was a text on my phone from Damien, saying Michelle had had a baby girl. She wasn’t happy that Damien had missed the birth, but I could have told him that.

Of course, being at the hospital anyway, I couldn’t leave without going to see Jack. He asked me why I was there on a Sunday morning and not at church, but I think he was too happy to see me to really care. I spent almost all day with him. Damien dropped me home again that night. He was absolutely shattered. He’d spent all day with Michelle and she had hardly let him sleep at all. I was worn out too, and I’d been sleeping in the back of Damien’s car. I can’t imagine how tired he must have been.

Damien came over on Wednesday, since he has Wednesdays off from college. I was happy to have someone to keep me company while Jack was away in hospital. They’ve chosen a name for the baby now. Well, “they’ve” isn’t the right word. “Michelle” is the right word. Damien didn’t get a choice in the matter, although from what I can tell he doesn’t care. Chelsea Sienna Poppy Kimberleigh Maddison. Ugh, yeah, I know. Guess which middle name Damien was responsible for. Chelsea’s got Michelle’s surname. Michelle’s currently in the middle of demanding that when they get married, Damien’s taking her surname and not vice versa. Damien sounded so happy that Michelle was in hospital with Chelsea so that he can get away from her. He’s enjoying his week or so of freedom away from Michelle. Michelle’s still giving him grief for not spending enough time at the hospital with her, but it’s not half as bad as what other kinds of grief he tells me he’d be getting from her if she was at home.

Oh wow, this time tomorrow me and Jack will be married! I can’t wait! It seems like I’ve been waiting forever. I haven’t seen Jack since Sunday, and stupid tradition says the bride and groom aren’t allowed to see each other the day before the ceremony. Wow, the next time I see him will be at the wedding.

I was worried for a while today that Jack wasn’t going to be out of hospital in time for the wedding. He’s normally in hospital for a week when he’s having chemo, and he was supposed to be out yesterday and phoning me when he was home, but he didn’t get home until 3 this afternoon. I can’t describe the relief I felt when I got the call from him. We’ve been on the phone all afternoon since. It probably defeats the purpose of not seeing each other, but neither of us could bring ourselves to hang up. I had to hang up an hour ago because I was beginning to lose my voice.

I’ve got all my stuff packed for the honeymoon, even though I still don’t know where we’re going. I packed it all this morning. I don’t know how long I’m going for, and it’s normally up to me to do the food shopping in my house, but perhaps if I’m gone for more than a week Dad might actually miss me when there’s no food in the cupboards. My passport is sitting on top of my suitcase so I can’t miss it. I’m paranoid that I’m going to leave it behind.

Gabriel, it IS barbaric! If we just start killing people for doing things, where is it gonna lead? Look back a few hundred years ago, they were burning people because they thought they were witches. Everyone would be living in fear of doing anything in case they’d get killed for doing it!

Maybe there wasn’t enough evidence to prove it for certain, but there was evidence to point to him, and there were no other suspects. It had to be him, because it couldn’t have been anyone else.

See, that’s the kind of monster I’m turning into. I feel ashamed of myself. Well, I’ll guess I’ll find out soon enough. Damn, I did it again! It’s not because I’m some sex crazed maniac like you are though, it’s because I love him.

a) Maybe we WON’T later on. Admit it, you have really weird ideas of what’s fun.

b) Unlike you, I don’t need to follow people around when they don’t know I’m there, and when they don’t want me to. I love Jack, and Jack loves me. The type of things people get up to in a relationship and the type of things that you get up to couldn’t be much more different.

c) I’m not going to see him in the shower. Get over it.

Again, your idea of what makeup should look like is totally different to the way everyone else who sees daylight hours does. I’ve seen how you do your makeup, and the world knows I don’t want to look like that. Don’t get me wrong, you always look absolutely gorgeous, but electric pink and glitter doesn’t work on everyone.

My wedding dress is going to be the most revealing thing I’ve worn in a long time, at least on the top half. It’s sleeveless and it pushes my boobs up too when I’ve got it on. I’m sure you’re going to love it.

Well, tomorrow night that’s all going to be changed. Just don’t wear me out so much at my hen night that I’ll be asleep before anything can happen. I’ll just ignore your comment about whips and leather. That’s for weirdos and perverts.

I’m going to do my best to keep it quiet. I’m not going to give you that satisfaction of being able to hear it from the other side of the door.

TECHNICALLY? What’s that supposed to mean? Look, I’m getting married tomorrow. I don’t want to be falling asleep during my own wedding. You might think eleven is early, but it’s pretty late for me. I did stay up until 2am last night and slept in until 12 today though, in preparation, because I know you’re going to be totally out of control.

I REALLY hope you know what you’re doing with my dad. How do you know the person stopping my dad committing suicide isn’t going to commit suicide themselves?

1)

a) No, not even one. You’ve got Michael, that’s got to be enough for you. You’ve got the rest of your life to have sex with the rest of the world. Can’t you keep it under control for just one day?

b) Take the wives too? That makes it even worse! I’m putting my foot down. NO.

c) Me and Jack are like that, but I can’t imagine how I could possibly be happy if he was going to crack onto everything that moves like you do.

2) Shame I don’t have a tapemeasure. Just don’t push it.

3) I said it before, I’ll say it again. There are going to be children at this wedding, just like there are children in society. There’s reasons we don’t go around flashing each other. There are enough people in society who are obsessed with sex, without making it legal to go around flashing each other.

4) Everything you do is wrong on so many levels. Just the thought of Jack undressing me makes me smile though. A lot more than I wish it did.

There’s no eventually about it, if I don’t love it tomorrow because of you, I swear I’ll kill you.

I don’t know if you’ll get to read this before you get here. Well, that just answered that, doorbell…

-Poppy

2008-10-10T15:53:00.003+01:00

To: Poppy
Re: New Beginnings

This is just it, but at least it seems people are starting to realise the fact. Either that or the problems associated with actually getting married are putting people off. The fact is Damien is losing focus, he's stopped caring about Michelle or the child, but of course, that just makes it easier for him to agree with Michelle regardless of what she wants him to do, if only to shut her up. In the end, it's not going to mean anything good for him, but he's certainly not alone in his path on your world.

Eventually however, he'll snap. Whether it'll be too late for him or not is entirely up to him, but it's fairly inevitable given his state of mind. Of course, being raped and tortured doesn't help either. In the end, he might find his own way through life, relying less on others opinions and more on his own. You might be able to give him gentle encouragement to get him there.

With regard to Jack's father and him wanting to come to the wedding, Gabriel will only say that she 'has a plan'. Exactly what that'll involve you'll have to imagine. She has been conspicuously absent 'doing spiritual things' on and off over the past week, so it's likely you and Jack are in for a fun time tonight. Well, it seems that answers why Jack feels uncomfortable with his Dad, still, Gabriel will probably enjoy his company.

You have plenty of time to see beautiful buildings, doesn't have to be at the wedding. It can always be done after the event. It also seems like you've managed to get everything important organised, so that's good too. Well, I'm sure there were plenty of angels watching you try on your wedding dress other than Gabriel, and while that makes you feel uncomfortable, at least it means people are sharing in your own joy at the events.

I'd be more concerned about your hen night than your honeymoon...

People are happier when they're in relationships, partly because it's simple instinct to do so, and partly because people enjoy the experience of being in love. The problem is when you come to rely on such things to be happy, because inevitably things change.

The problem with the NHS, government and everything else boils down to the fact that the system controlling them all is not an efficient one, and it is big enough that it is beyond any one persons control. However, having lots of different people controlling it means it is far more prone to human error/interference. You've created a system without proper controls on it, and it's become more complicated and vast than the people it's designed to serve.

It's the age old problem, power corrupts. For leaders to live in a 'different world' to those they are elected to serve only results in them caring more about their own world than the real one, and therefore become apathetic to the normal people.

The big problem for normal people of course, is that if they get rid of their current leaders in the next election, who do they put in their place? Unfortunately, public votes would be a huge problem simply because most people would be voting on things they don't understand. Not that the general public are thick (or at least, not all of the time) but most people tend to specialise in certain areas. The other problem is people are selfish, and are generally going to be motivated by what serves them personally rather than what serves the country, or indeed the world. At least with politicians they have to try to be seen to care about the greater issues, and that makes good things happen. Sometimes.

-----Original Message-----
From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]
Sent: 28 September 2008 22:42
To: God
Subject: FW: Pushing

That is so NOT barbaric! You just need to define what a high level crime is properly. Even if it doesn't deter others, hey, it's one less undesirable in the world. Course, back then they had stupid laws. Killing people for cheating for example. Not that you don't have some silly ideas now of course. Still, you think about it, if there's a law which says, "If you do this, you'll have your head chopped off", well, that's gotta make you think twice about it huh? Is it really worth stealing that penny sweet?

Well, like I say there wasn't enough evidence to prove beyond a doubt. Part of the problem with guilty until proven innocent is that people would set each other up more, as well as the fact that's it's just morally wrong to assume people are guilty until it's proven they did it.

Made of recycled paper? Well kinda, you always need new fibres in recycled paper, it's just mixed with old paper as well. What they're doing is not so much recycling but delaying the inevitable. It's a good idea, but it doesn't change the fact that they don't need to do it in the first place.

Oh I'm serious, it really would help if you were prepared. I'm not going to tell you how big he is, you'll have to wait until your wedding night to find that out. I'm surprised you'd even ask someone who'd been spying on your fiancé how big his penis was! Shows you're on the right path though.

a) Well maybe you will later on, it is great fun!

b) Bollocks!

c) But why ever not? Everyone has filthy thoughts occasionally, they're just embarrassed about them. You'll get there though, when you see him in the shower and you're drooling.

Ah well, very soon now you'll be able to push further, it only gets better! Course, dressing a little more revealingly would help get both your juices going... You sure you don't need help with your makeup? I can guarantee he'll have to stop himself from drooling over you while he's saying "I do"!

You see your sleeping problems come from an excess of arousal but a lack of sex. Nurse Gabriel prescribes plenty of sex whenever the opportunity comes up (especially if it's in the shower), preferably involving whips and leather at some point.

Yep, I'll be on my way as soon as I've finished replying...

Ha! I do love the idea of you asking Jack to gag you on your first time yeah! Still, I'm sure it'll be great (and loud) the first time you get down to it. Spend plenty of time near me and between my aura and your excitement at being with Jack for the first time you might be aroused enough for a fairly pain free first time!

Well, at least let me see what Nicole's done to you before you go to the wedding... Hmm, maybe I should meet her beforehand, to make sure it all goes ok of course.

Oh no, 'children' are given the eleven o clock rule. You're an adult now, and that means a late night is a must. Still, we'll see to it that you're back by sometime the next morning, technically. Oh, don't worry about your Dad, I've recruited someone nice to watch Camael while she's with him, she'll put a stop to any suicide attempts.

Yeah we're kinda confused about him... I figure it's best to just let him be for now, he'll come out of his shell when he's good and ready.

Ok let's go through another list...

1)

a) Well, how about just one at a time? Nobody will miss one... I wonder if there's any volunteers to come as clones for some of the guests.

b) How about if I take the wives too? I mean, that way it'd be even. They can't really be angry at each other if they've both had me!

c) That's simple, we let each other express ourselves how we please. If we didn't, we wouldn't really love each other, we'd just love the way the other one was acting.

2) Ok, that works for me! Especially the part about you measuring me, I'll enjoy that!

3) See now that's just wrong. It's laws like that that make for a society... Well, like yours.

4) Well exactly, and very soon you'll love it when he does that! I was thinking ahead. Just remember, even when she's not right, Gabriel's never wrong!

I offer you my personal guarantee that you'll absolutely love tonight and your wedding day, eventually. It'll be great, although you might need a few weeks convincing of that before you thank me for it. You will though. If you just believe in me, everything will turn out all right!

Love, light and medical experiments,
Gabriel

Signature - There'll be time for explanations later. And hopefully, some sex!

2008-09-28T22:39:00.005+01:00

To: God
Re: Pushing

Marriage is supposed to be a beautiful thing, whether it serves any purpose or not. I know, these days people are always rushing into it before they’re ready and with the wrong person, and that’s what turns it into what marriage commonly is today. Still, people don’t get into it like they used to. It was in the paper today, actually. For the first time in however long, there are officially more unmarried adults in the UK than there are married. I wish there was something I could do to make Damien see sense and not marry Michelle. It’s making him so miserable, I don’t know why he can’t see that he’d be so much better off without her. Even if it’s about the baby, he doesn’t have to marry her. He should end it, and if Michelle doesn’t want him near the baby after that, that’s her choice. I can’t see it being a big loss for Damien – I don’t think he’ll ever want to be a dad, let alone at 18.

Michelle’s pushing it even further now, and it’s still not enough for him to end it. Damien’s gone to college this year to do his level 3 NVQ so he can become a mechanic, but now, three weeks into term, Michelle wants him to drop out and get a job so they can get a house together. I’ve told Damien to say no, and at the moment it sounds like he has, but knowing Michelle, I’m sure it will only be a matter of time. I can’t stand seeing Damien like he is. How much more is it going to take before he breaks? It’s not like he needs Michelle, he’s still got Kirsty.

I’m sure it’s only going to be a matter of time before Damien explodes, I can only hope it happens before it’s too late. I know he tells me this stuff because he doesn’t have anyone else he can talk to. I wonder what he would do if I weren’t here. He doesn’t have the best family in the world. All his two older brothers do is laugh at how much he’s screwing up, and I don’t think that helps him. I wonder if part of him marrying Michelle is trying to prove them wrong. His parents have to be the least caring parents in the world too. At least my dad just ignores me. They’re really open about the fact that they don’t care. That’s why it wouldn’t surprise me if he did get a job and move in somewhere with Michelle. Having your own place makes you look a little bit successful, and he needs to get away from his family and prove them wrong at the same time. I’ve told him it’s his life, not theirs, or Michelle’s for that matter, but it didn’t work. He worries about other people’s opinions of him far too much. He wants to prove himself a success, he just can’t see how much better off he’d be going back to square one rather than trying to recover what he’s got. I know what a horrible place square one is, but Damien’s got the will to build up from there, if only he had the will to get back there.

We’re probably never going to know about my dad’s reaction, since I have no intention of telling him, and Gabriel’s arranging to get him out of the house the morning of the wedding. At a stretch, he might ask where I’ve been all that time I’ll be on my honeymoon, and if he does ask, I’ll answer honestly, but past precedence doesn’t support the theory that that will happen. If he does notice me gone, he won’t ask where I’ve been. I like to think he would be shocked, but how long would it really last? He’d be back to ignoring me five minutes later. That’s what I want now, anyway. I’ve gotten used to him not talking over the past nine years. If he didn’t bring girls home with him all the time, I’d have forgotten what his voice sounded like.

I asked Jack about his dad this week. Jack’s not too happy at the moment. His dad phoned and Emily told him that Jack’s getting married, and now he wants to come to the wedding. Jack wasn’t himself all day after that. I had to ask. It doesn’t feel right Jack feeling that way about someone. His theory of ‘the more the merrier’ apparently doesn’t apply to his dad. Jack’s adamant that he’s not coming, but his dad’s phone four times since. I realise I jumped to the wrong conclusion before. Jack never said his dad hadn’t phoned since he found out he had cancer. Jack blocked his number on his mobile, and he never answers the phone at home. He said he hadn’t spoken to him. Jack’s refusing to speak to him though. His dad’s desperate to talk to him. I managed to drag it out of him, about why his parents split up. His dad owns a chain of strip clubs, and he’d been having sex with pretty much every girl he employed. That’s why Jack feels nothing about spending his Dad’s money in huge quantities, because of where it’s coming from. It’s rather ironic, his dad has practically paid for our wedding, and Jack doesn’t even want him there.

Even without the religious part, I think I’d much rather be married in a church than a hotel. Churches are such beautiful buildings, and hotels are boring and mundane in comparison, even after you’ve decorated. You’re right though, it’s the person, not the place, that’s important. A church wedding would have been nice, but we didn’t have time to wait for one, and me and Jack both agree that we’d much rather get married outside of church than not get married at all.

Less than 2 weeks to go until the wedding now. I’m so excited! I don’t know where all the time is disappearing to though. It feels weird, like it was both yesterday and eternity ago that he got down on one knee on the top of that mountain. We’ve had so much to organise since then, and still got a fair bit to do. We’re getting there though. We’re about three quarters of the way through our list now, although there are a few things on there we can’t do until a day or two before. The bridal shop phoned yesterday and said my dress was ready, so Jack’s taking me there tomorrow (and waiting outside because he’s not allowed to see) to try it on again and pick up all the other stuff that had to be ordered in like my veil and hair ornaments and shoes and (I hate to say it in front of Gabriel, but I find it impossible to believe that she wasn’t watching me while I was being measured and fitted anyway) underwear to go under my dress. I want to bring my dress home so I can admire it. It’s absolutely gorgeous. I want to hang it on my wardrobe door and look at it all day. At least, I would if Jack was allowed to be there while I did so.

We’re going to pick up Jack’s suit tomorrow too, although he’s told me if he can’t see my dress, I’m not allowed to see his suit. I really want to see him in it, but I’m sure I’ll manage to last two weeks. It’s not like my dress. There are only so many variations a suit can have.

The honeymoon’s still driving me nuts. I’m still no closer to finding out where we’re going (or even how long we’re going for).

I might not be programmed to require another person, but the only time I’m really happy is when I’m with other people. Without other people, it’s normally not long before I start getting depressed about life and circumstances. I want to be happy but the world wants to pull me down, and 99% of the time the world wins. It’s like I’m not allowed to be happy for any extended period of time.

It looks like I’m different to the rest of the world. I’ve never known what it’s like to be trapped in a relationship. Totally the opposite, in fact. Every relationship I’ve had with anyone (not just boyfriends) gets torn to pieces right in front of me. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have someone there you don’t want, because I’ve never had an excess of people around me. The people I like and love never last long enough for that to happen.

It’s beyond me how the NHS and the government manage to get in the state they’re in. They were saying in the news a while ago that in the NHS they have more office staff than nurses, and part of the problem is that they have so much paperwork and medical staff aren’t allowed to make their own decisions without going through a million layers of management and bureaucracy. This country lives on bureaucracy and legislation. I think a lot of it stems from this atmosphere we’ve probably inherited from the US where everyone wants to sue over the smallest mishap. That’s where all this health and safety stuff come from because everyone has to go overboard on rules to prevent themselves from being sued. This society is living in fear from so many sources.

I think they should do away with expenses too, or at least most of it. Travel and things like that, fair enough, but you shouldn’t be able to claim a leather sofa on expenses. That’s probably why a lot of politicians have no idea about the real value of money, because they never have to spend any of their own. Remember what I said about living in the real world? I can’t remember who it was now, but one of them thought a basic pension was £30 a week. Ha! That’s £4.28 a day. I couldn’t even feed myself for that, let alone live on it. See, no idea about the real world. £30 a week, what a joke! I bet they spend more than that in an average hour.

Well, maybe Gordon Brown is more of a representative, but I’m embarrassed to have myself represented by him as a British citizen to the rest of the world. All of the stupid ideas he comes up with. He might not be able to force laws through, but he does come up with ideas for some right stinkers. All the stupid comments and points he makes too. He makes George Bush look like a genius sometimes. Ha, two of the greatest nations in the world, and look who’s leading us.

Again, this is where real democracy would come in useful. Set a date and have the whole country vote on it, rather than spending months on end debating, and usually reaching the wrong decisions too. The public might be a little misguided sometimes, but we’re not total idiots. At the end of the day, these laws affect us a lot more than they affect the politicians, so we should be the ones to decide on them.

Yeah, I think they should learn to be less sensitive too! It’s not nice to be offended, but it’s just a part of life. I used to have to put up with a lot of anti-Christian stuff when I was in school, but I just learnt to block it out and ignore it. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. That’s what Mum always used to say to me. I think a lot of parents say this to their kids, but most adults seem incapable of following it. I just want to turn around to some of these PC people and say ‘sticks and stones’. There’s no reason they couldn’t apply that same principle to pictures or carnival costumes or whatever. I want to see it go to court one day and someone play the human rights card. Freedom of speech. It works for terrorists.

Gabriel, that’s barbaric! I like to think this country is a bit more civilised than that. They did used to behead people in the UK, but there’s a reason they did away with it. The USA still has the death penalty, and it does nothing to stop people. The opposite, actually. I hear about a lot more serial killings and shootings and stuff from the USA than I ever do from the UK. Muslim countries have some truly horrific punishments for even small crimes, and people still do them. You should be able to see that. You said you left Mary because she would have been stoned to death if you two had been caught, but it obviously didn’t make either of you think twice. Would you have been happy for them to just dispose of Mary if you had been found out? Or better still, they could have used her for experiments. She was pregnant, would have been a great opportunity for them.

There was evidence to prove he killed Mum, just not enough, apparently. His wreck of a car wasn’t enough because in hitting the lamppost, he effectively destroyed the evidence that it was definitely his car that hit her.

Guilty until proven innocent wouldn’t be too much different. They’d have to have reasonable grounds to arrest them in the first place, and evidence doesn’t lie. If you didn’t do it, the evidence would prove that. I’m not saying that we should just send everyone straight to prison, but there are so many criminals getting off scot free from crimes everyone knows perfectly well they did, but technicalities get them off. If the police did their job properly and the laws were in the right places and weren’t full of loopholes, it wouldn’t matter either way. If you didn’t do a crime, the evidence can’t point 100% to you, and if it can’t point 100% to you, you can’t get punished for it, can you? They still send innocent people to jail on occasion anyway, while real criminals get away with it all the time. But hey, it’s still better than executing innocent people.

Most newspapers are made of recycled paper now anyway, but it’s not the same reading it on the internet. I like having breakfast with Jack in the morning and reading the newspaper together. Reading our horoscopes to each other wouldn’t be the same on a computer. I like to have it in front of me and flick through the pages. You can’t do that on a computer.

Ha! Wouldn’t you just love that? Is that a real suggestion, or do you just want to see me pleasuring myself? Well, if it hurts, it hurts. How ‘large’ are we talking anyway?

Damn, I can’t believe I just wrote that! You’re turning me into such a monster!

a) You might find it fun or kinky to have someone else watching, but I don’t. Stop it.

b) Yeah, I can’t wait to have sex with him. That doesn’t make me a pervert like you, nor does it mean I have to follow him into the shower like some rapist. The bed will do fine, thanks.

c) Stop talking about Jack like that! That might be normal for the type of guys you go for, but Jack’s not filthy like you. For starters, he’s Christian, but even if he wasn’t…

It is a bad thing me thinking about Jack like that, because you think it’s a good thing! I can’t help it though. It’s driving me insane. I don’t feel in control of myself. That feeling I get when he kisses me is horrible right now because I’m not allowed to act on it, and the worst part is knowing that Jack feels exactly the same way. The way he’s been kissing me recently is different to the way he always used to kiss me. It’s not just loving any more, it’s passionate. And to make my self-restraint even more undermined, it always starts with that smile. And when he stops, it’s the most horrible feeling in the world. My brain knows it’s going to stop, but that doesn’t stop my body from feeling like it’s practically begging. The way he kisses me then runs his lips up my chin and down my neck, and if I’m wearing the right clothes, across my shoulder too. My body screams for him to go on. I must be the most hormonal girl in the world right now. And for that moment after, my mind begins to wonder how much further he’d go before stopping if I dressed like you, or if he’d even be stopping at all if he weren’t Christian. My brain is telling my body to wait two weeks then it can do what it likes, but my body says that isn’t good enough, and my body is winning the argument there. And the stupid arguments my brain throws in my direction don’t help either. It’s been 13 days since we applied for our marriage license. Legally, we could get married on Tuesday because then it would have been 15 days. Why wait until the 11th of October when I could get married in 2 days’ time? Neither my brain or my body has an argument back for that. They both agree. I feel like I’m being tortured right now.

Sleeping with Jack is getting harder now too. I’m sure it’s not going to be too long before I start hearing a voice in my head shouting ‘Come on! You’re so close!’ It doesn’t help what he does to me when we’re lying there in the dark either. It’s not fair, when he stops he’s asleep within ten minutes, while I can lie there for the best part of an hour before I’m calm enough to even think about sleep. I’ve lost count of the amount of conversations I’ve had with him in the morning that go along the same lines every time: ‘What are you so tired for? We went to bed at half ten last night.’ ‘Yeah, but it must have been midnight before I got to sleep.’ You’d think that after that, the following night I’d be out like a light, but no. Every night’s the same, and I’d still rather have him kiss and touch me that way and lie there for an hour afterwards than have him not do it. I’ve got the rest of my life to sleep.

Well, I was talking about the night after, but you’re always welcome to the spare room in my house if you want to stay the night before too. With my dad, do you not think I’m used to hearing people having sex? I want someone to shoot me if I sound like he does while I’m doing it though.

I’ve got a really horrible image in my head now of you standing outside the room with a microphone waiting to measure how loud we are. I’d almost get Jack to gag me to take that satisfaction away from you, but I think you’d like that idea even more.

I’ve got someone from the salon in town coming to do my hair and makeup before the wedding. I think her name’s Nicole. I’m not too bad with makeup, but I never know what to do with my hair. It’s not really curly, but it’s not really straight either. It can’t make up its mind. I can’t remember the last time I wore my hair up.

My English teacher would be so proud, what an oxymoron! Don’t worry, we’ll make sure you can’t escape… that’s even more cause for concern.

I’m NOT going to be rushing back for the wedding, and neither is Jack. We’re going to be back in PLENTY of time. Okay, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll come, but I want to be home by eleven that night. I don’t want to turn up to my wedding the next day looking like…well, looking like you threw me a hen night the night before.

See, and now I’m even more worried about what you’ve got planned for my hen night, because you’ve turned down the chance to have sex to be there, and the only reason I can think of why you would turn down sex is that there’s more sex somewhere else i.e. my hen night. I just hope you know what you’re doing with Camael. I know I hate my dad, but I don’t want the reason he’s not there that morning to be that he killed himself the night before.

Wow, for a second there, I almost felt sorry for Raphael.

1) I have a whole list of ways it would affect me:

a. There are only 12 people, not including you and Michael, coming to the wedding, and of those, 5 are men. If you take 4 or 5 people with you, not only will you have taken every man at the wedding, you’ll have taken almost half the guests.

b. There’s not an unmarried man coming. I invited you, so it’ll be my fault if there are five divorces because of you the next day.

c. I did invite Michael too. It seems a bit unfair to him that you want to run off with every other guy but him at the first available opportunity. I still don’t understand how you two work together.

I’ll know you have a vibrator, and that’s more than enough. If you flash anyone, I WILL cause you pain.

2) Oh no, you’re up to something. You agreed to one inch below the collarbone far too quickly. I’ll let you have two inches above the knee with normal proportions with single D’s, and that’s my final offer. I will be measuring you too, just to make sure.

3) No flashing anyone, full stop. All day. This is not a request.
Some of us have to wear bras. Not everyone has magic boobs like you that hold themselves up and in of their own accord.

4) Yeah, I’m open to rational and reasonable compromises, but the problem is that you’re not. I’d be able to live with you being somewhat perverted, if I thought you were capable of it. I’ll never forget the first time I met Jack. You told him I wanted him to undress me with his teeth, then you just disappeared and left me with him! You were just lucky it was Jack and he knew you were joking. I dread to think what that could have turned into with practically any other guy who was there that night.

These rules aren’t optional, by the way.

I’m sure there’s a huge difference between the way I think things should go and the way you think they should. Just behave. I’m going to remember this day for the rest of my life. I want it to be for the right reasons.

-Poppy

2008-09-27T00:19:00.000+01:00

To: Poppy
Re: Traps

Marriage itself is one of those activities that has become a tradition, rather than serving a purpose in its own right. It doesn't really do anything that couldn't be done anyway, and with a much simpler method. Of course, it's far worse with a couple like Damien and Michelle, because if they get married he'll be legally tied to her, and it'll be much more difficult for him to get away from her then. That's not to say that it can't go well for you though, just depends on how you feel about it.

Well, your daughter hurting her arm and not saying anything isn't such a big thing as her getting married and not saying anything. One is a huge, life changing event, the other is not. Unless his mind is completely gone he'll be shocked at the upcoming event. If he's not, he might well need medical help. Regarding Jack's father though, you shouldn't leave these things unsaid. Far better to express them as soon as possible, otherwise they tend to interfere later. At least by knowing now, you can be prepared.

That's the right attitude to have, it's not the place but the person that's important. He'll get over not being married in a church, but he'd have a much harder time getting over not getting married. Still, you are not programmed to require another person. Nobody is. You have the choice over every part of your life, including your feelings. They do not have to control you, you can guide them. Humanity in general has not learnt this lesson, but eventually they must if they are to overcome their problems and advance as a species.

Without this, it is not difficult for one to become trapped in a relationship. External influences (such as television) might play a part in creating this belief, but ultimately humans are intelligent enough to overcome such conditioning. It is the fault of each person who gets stuck in these relationships, not the fault of society. People have to make their own choices, otherwise they get them made for them. Just as Damien is.

Regarding the NHS, there's no single problem that explains it. They are under budgeted, but they also waste a lot of their money. It's also a problem of tracking their money, and of course, overpaying certain types of staff. Government itself has these problems, and they filter through to all of society. Of course, people are more than aware of this, but in typical human fashion most do nothing about it.

Tony Blair did not earn £72 per hour as PM. Not as his salary anyway. Of course, with the expenses politicians are allowed to claim, most of his income would have been his own to spend. It would certainly help with their reputation if these expenses were eliminated, even if that means boosting their actual salary somewhat. It would at least make it more transparent than it is now. Regarding the amount of power of the PM, in truth, the PM is more a representative than a leader. They can't simply force whatever laws they want through, they have to be debated and voted on. It's gone the wrong way for the PM's of your country before, and no doubt will do again. Still, the endless debates also makes the party in power somewhat less effective, as good ideas can take years to become reality.

Political correctness is a huge problem in society, once you begin trying to act a certain way so as not to offend a person or group, you begin restricting yourself. It also condones other groups requesting more restrictions so as not to 'offend people'. Perhaps the offended party should simply become less sensitive?

-----Original Message-----
From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]
Sent: 21 September 2008 21:37
To: God
Subject: FW: Planning

Ok, well if it's punishment you're after, why not have them tortured or something? That would surely be more effective than simply locking them up. I really don't see why you'd want such people around at all, better to just dispose of them, or use them in experiments or something. That'd make them regret it! Course, I still think it'd be easier to just chop their heads off, maybe keep some of them around for experiments. You know, with cutting people's heads off, the brain can survive for a moment or two after the head is separated from the body. Spread that around and that might be a good deterrent.

Well, being obvious and proof are two different things. I think if it was guilty until proven innocent, you'd be sending more innocent people to jail.

Maybe there is a correlation. The Sun tends to be a less factual and more in your face newspaper. Course, the fact that you've got the internet now doesn't stop you from cutting down all those trees to make papers. Disgusting behaviour.

Well, you probably won't go behind his back, but you'll defiantly be having sex with him in the shower. You won't think so until it happens, but you'll just be too tempted to refuse your own horny desires. On a related matter, you might want to use some toys or something to uh... Stretch yourself before your honeymoon. Jack's rather 'large', and it might hurt otherwise!

a) It does not kill the mood with people watching, it enhances it if anything!

b) Yes you are. Even in your last post you're saying how much you can't wait to have sex with him.

c) You won't even think about that when it happens. You'll be too busy licking your lips. Then Jack will probably keep you too busy licking your lips, and I don't mean the ones on your face.

Pills a good plan. Nice to see you're already weak in the knees just because of a smile. Simply because of how excited you get when he looks at you I think if you try to use condoms you'll probably just forget! You certainly make yourself sound dirty when you think about Jack like that, but it's really not a bad thing!

Yeah I'm sure me and Michael will stay the night before, we'll try not to make too much noise... I'll bet you'll make lots when you first do it though! Maybe I could start a betting pool, whoever gets the closest in terms of decibels or something.

So who've you got coming round to do your makeup then? Just curious...

Don't worry, we'll go somewhere you've never been so you won't be able to just go home. We'll get you and Jack back in plenty of time for the wedding, or at least, if you hurry. If we show up about 8pm the night before the wedding? We'll bring some knockout gas or something for the inevitable show of fake resistance.

Ok, so do whatever it takes to stop your dad being home on the day. Sounds like a job for...

Someone else! Camael owes me a favour. I've got an idea about how to do it. I'd try Raphael but he's not even talking to people unless their first sentence directly involves his trout. He's really lost it, he just looks right through us now.

1. Oh come on! How's it going to affect you if I pull maybe 4 or 5 other people into that room! You can get these really quiet vibrators now too, so nobody will know unless they get flashed.

2. Ok ok... 1 inch below the collarbone it is. That can still look good if it's done the right way. But three below the knee is just wrong, I've never worn such restrictive clothes! I'll go for 2 inches above the knee (with normal proportions) if I can have a pair of double D's though.

3. Your normal dress is insanely covered though! I mean God's, you even wear a bra! I'll agree not to flash anyone during the actual ceremony though, assuming you agree to my version of rule two.

4. I'm sure you're open to rational and reasonable compromises... I have to be somewhat perverted at least, it's part of my identity.

Let me assure you, there's absolutely nothing to worry about! Everything's going to go exactly as it should.

Love, light and medical experiments,
Gabriel

Signature - There'll be time for explanations later. And hopefully, some sex!

2008-09-21T21:34:00.002+01:00

To: God
Re: Changes

I think marriage should be about unity too. I see so many people getting married for so many reasons other than love. People like Damien who’ll marry someone they don’t want to spend the rest of their lives with are the people who turn marriage into a sham. I’d say I’d give Damien and Michelle a year before they’re divorced, but if Damien doesn’t have the guts to stand up to her and say no to marrying her, he’s not going to have the guts to divorce her either, no matter how much he hates her (and he texts me almost every day telling me how much he does). I texted him back yesterday asking why he’s marrying her if he hates her that much, but didn’t really get a straight answer out of him. I think he’s terrified of Michelle. She’s got him under her thumb completely.

I don’t think my dad would care about me getting married as long as it didn’t affect him. He didn’t care when they held me back in primary school, he didn’t care when I disappeared for the best part of a week on two occasions with Jack, never said a word when I burnt my arm and had a bandage for three weeks. Not even a ‘hey, what did you do to your arm?’. The last time he got involved in my life was, let me think, must have been back in June when Michelle caught Damien at my house, and the only reason he got involved then was because the noise was bothering him! He’s had more than enough reasons and opportunities to talk to me over the years. I don’t see how this time is going to be any different. I don’t even know if I want him to talk to me any more.

I do want to talk to Jack about his dad, but it’s difficult. You can feel how tense he gets just at his mention, and we’re always so happy when we’re together that I don’t want to ruin that mood. I’m sure Jack will tell me when or if he wants me to know.

I wasn’t too worried about getting married in church, but Jack was. I’m so happy to be marrying Jack I’m not too bothered where the ceremony takes place, but I was a bit disappointed because Jack was, although we’ve found a really good place to hold it now that works out much better if you ignore the fact we can’t have a religious ceremony there.

I don’t have to miss that kind of relationship, but I will. You’ve seen how happy Jack makes me. How can I not miss it? The only times I’ve had these past few years where I’ve been genuinely happy are when I’ve had someone else. Perhaps other people manage to be single and happy, but not me. Perhaps I could be single and happy if I really tried, but alone and happy is much more difficult. I need other people, it’s part of who I am. It might be a bad thing, but I can’t help it. When you love someone that much, how can you not become attached?

I think if they spent half as much time worrying about what kids are watching on TV as they do worrying about them getting superficial injuries, everyone would be a lot better off. I’m sure the things I used to watch when I was a kid weren’t anywhere near as heavy as the things I see Emily watching. When I was nine, I barely knew what a relationship was, but everything Emily watches on the Disney channel has relationships all over the place, boyfriends and girlfriends splitting up and getting back together in the next episode. I’m sure programs like that don’t help the fact that people these days can’t hold down a relationship for more than five minutes, because I think love ends up being secondary to the fact that they’re in a relationship, because everyone should be (or so they say). Maybe that’s what Damien thinks like, and it’s better to have a girlfriend he hates than be single. I wish I knew what was going through his mind, because I can’t understand it.

You do have to wonder who’s really responsible for the NHS not being able to stick within their budget. Of course there are too many bureaucrats and not enough doctors and medical staff, but is it the fault of the NHS for not being able to keep within their budget, or the government for not giving them a big enough budget for them to work with? I hate to think how many hospitals could be built, equipped and staffed with the amount of taxpayers’ money they’ve spent on the Olympics. It doesn’t help that the bosses of the NHS and people in the government getting paid ridiculous amounts of money either.

If only making a political party was that easy. Politics is not an easy career track to get into, and if you don’t get a paid job in it you have to get paid to do something else to live, and that’s time you’re not spending on the campaign trail. I don’t know how true it was, but someone told me a while ago that Tony Blair was on £72 an hour. Yeah, being the Prime Minister is a tough job and I wouldn’t want to do it, but is it THAT tough? You know what I think would help politics in this country? There should be a law that says politicians can’t earn any more than minimum wage. That way, politicians would only put up with the pressure if they were truly passionate about the job – it should be caring that keeps them in the job, not the money. Not only that, but it might encourage them to make the minimum wage fairer, and they’d be more in touch with the real world because they’d be living in the real world. They couldn’t afford private healthcare, so they’d have to use the NHS, and then they’d realise what a mess it is and do something about it. They’d also have to fuel their own cars because there’d be no Downing Street, so they’d have to drive to work like everyone else, and then they’d know how ridiculously expensive it is to run a car. I’d do away with political parties too. They’re too rigid to represent what people really want. I’d have real people voting on issues (okay, still politicians, but they’re not pompous and self-absorbed now that they’re on minimum wage) so they don’t have to vote the way their parties think or out of loyalty to their leader, because there wouldn’t be one. I’d take away the power of the Prime Minister too, since I don’t think it’s a good idea to have one person with that much power. I’d still have a Prime Minister, but they’d be more of a representative than a leader. They’d also have just as much decision making power as everyone else in the government. I think normal people should have some power too. If someone has an idea for a law they think is necessary, or if someone thinks an existing law is wrong, there should be mechanisms in place for them to have their voices heard. And equally, if someone disagrees with them, they should be able to plead their cases too. I know not everyone in this country cares about politics, but it would give the people who do care chance to make their points.

Wow, I didn’t mean for that rant to turn out so long.

Political correctness drives me nuts. How does dressing up as Bin Laden in any way affect someone’s ability to do their job? If he came to work dressed like that, they might have had a point, but I think what people do in their own spare time is their own business. If they’re not paying you for it, then it’s nothing to do with them.

Okay, I’ll stop ranting now and talk about something nice. Oh! My wedding dress! We went to the shop yesterday and looked at all the dresses. The one I picked out was so amazing. Since we’re not having a church wedding, Jack wants to go all out on the dress and I was under strict instructions that my dress wasn’t allowed to cost any less than £700. I fell in love with the dress when I saw it, I was so sure it was going to make me look really plain in comparison when I put it on, but it’s perfect. I love everything about it. I really want to show Jack, and Jack really wants to see it too, but it’s tradition and it spoils the fun on the wedding day if he’s seen it before. Not that I could show him at the moment anyway, because the dress is in the shop being altered to fit me better (and Gabriel will be delighted to know, tighter), so that takes away the temptation for the moment. I can’t wait until the wedding when he’s going to be able to see it.

Gabriel, it’s not that we need to reform criminals like that, but punishment is a matter of principle. Yeah, death sucks, but it’s not much of a deterrent for some people. If someone wanted to do a certain crime badly enough, they’d do it then probably die happy in the knowledge that they’d done it, whereas by the end of X amount of years in prison, they’d really regret it. That’s why a lot of these high profile criminals try to kill themselves in prison, because the punishment is so bad they can’t stand it. Not only does it make that person regret it, it stops anyone else contemplating a similar crime because they’ve seen what will happen if they go through with it. I know some countries do have the death penalty, but there have been occasions in America where they’ve executed someone and then it later turned out someone else was responsible. I think if you’re crazy enough to go on a killing spree, death isn’t much of a threat.

There was proof, the court just couldn’t see it. The autopsy showed Mum had three broken ribs from a single impact, which nothing but a car could do, but the defence was totally anal about it. He had a massive dent in his bonnet, which he claimed was from him hitting a lamppost just down the road from where mum was killed, and THAT was where the dent was from. Yeah, fair enough, the police investigated that lamppost and it was obviously hit at high speed, but to anyone else, it makes sense that if he was that drunk he’d drive into a stationary lamppost that fast, it points even more to the fact he hit Mum. I have no faith in the justice system. They wouldn’t know the truth if it smacked them in the face. They never did argue that if he didn’t kill her who did? In Japan, they have guilty until proven innocent. If someone didn’t do a crime, then there should be enough evidence to prove it. They argued that someone who lived on that street could have hit her so the CCTV wouldn’t show them entering the street, but if that was the case they would have been able to investigate all the cars and see that none of them had the damage that would come from hitting someone.

I don’t think everyone who reads The Sun is doomed to have a crappy life, but I think there is a correlation. I think it’s more like people who have crappy lives read The Sun. Obviously there are exceptions, but I think people who care more about the world don’t want to read The Sun. They’re interested in more important things than Amy Winehouse getting off her face. They want to read news, not gossip.

Look, just leave Jack alone. He’s mine, not yours. He’s my fiancée, so I’m the only one who should be allowed to watch him in the shower, and I’m not a pervert, so I don’t want to. Even if I did want to, I wouldn’t have to go behind his back about it.

We’re not going to be having sex in the shower either. You probably think that kind of thing is normal behaviour, but unlike you, I won’t do it with anyone anywhere, or even with Jack anywhere. Anyway, you should know that:

a) You have no idea how much it kills the mood with people watching

b) I’m not so desperate to see his body that I’d go into the bathroom while I knew he was in the shower

c) Regardless of point b), if I ever did see Jack in the shower, point a) would ensure that I didn’t join him, much less have sex with him. I wouldn’t be able to take it seriously, because all I’d be thinking was how much you were enjoying it.

We both went to the doctors’ on Friday, and long story short, I’m going on the pill. It feels kind of wrong though. I think in my heart, I do want Jack to get me pregnant, even though my brain has a list of a million reasons why it’s a bad idea. There is an upside though. We talked about it quite a bit, and there are better ways of going about it if you’re only going to be doing it a few times, so I asked Jack if that meant we were going to be doing it a lot. Then he smiled that smile at me and said ‘If you’ll let me’. I don’t think he even knows what he’s doing when he does that smile. It does nothing for my self-restraint. He asked me if that was what I wanted, and it was difficult for me to get a coherent sentence out, but it was words to the effect of yes.

I know the wedding’s not that far away, and we’ve still got so much to do, but when I start thinking about Jack and that dirty smile of his, I want the wedding to be right now, no matter how unprepared we are. I can see from that smile there’s a whole side of Jack that I haven’t seen yet, and I’m not allowed to see until after the wedding. I do respect Jack for his religion, but it’s annoying me no end right now because I know we’re both ready to do it and his religion is getting in the way. I suppose the anticipation will make it even better when the time comes though. I certainly hope so, because I’m finding it hard to say no to myself, and I think Jack is too. When we go to bed at night and he kisses me and runs his fingers up the side of my body, I can feel the moment he tells himself no, not yet, and it drives me nuts because every night he goes a bit further before he stops himself, and I’m waiting for the night he doesn’t stop.

I really can’t wait until after the wedding. Every time he touches me now it makes my heart race. The feeling of his skin against mine is amazing, and his hands aren’t enough. I want all of him, and it’s killing me the thought that I’ve got to wait three weeks for it. Yeah, I know how desperate I’m making myself sound. I feel so dirty when I think about Jack like that.

We’re working our way through the wedding preparations now, although we’ve still got loads of things more to do. We’ve got a list now, and we’re about a quarter of the way through it. We’ve got a place to hold it now, and that’s all confirmed. It’s on the 11th of October at 1pm. It’s in the Rosemount Hotel, which is about five miles away from my house. It works out quite well actually, because we’ve got the room upstairs to hold the ceremony in, then we’ve got the function room downstairs to hold the reception in, and the gardens outside will be good for taking photos in. All of Jack’s family are coming quite a way too, so we’re all staying there for the night and booking out pretty much all the rooms, and it’s tradition that the bride and groom can’t go home before they go on their honeymoon, so me and Jack are staying the night there too then leaving in the morning. You can stay the night too if you want.

I can think of better ways of celebrating our love than having everyone watch us, especially not cheering. Do you have any idea how self-conscious you’re all making me?

I’m trying not to be insulted at the fact that you’ve just implied that I have no common sense.

I’ve already got someone coming to my house before the wedding to do my hair and makeup, not that I’d let you do my makeup anyway. I’d do it myself before I let you loose on my face. Knowing you, you’d try to give me electric pink lipstick and glitter eyeshadow. I don’t want to turn up to my wedding looking like I’m going to marry a rockstar.

I need you to arrange me a hen night like I need a bullet to my brain! Damn right I wouldn’t agree to come by you asking me! And no matter what you do to try to get me there, even if it’s against my will, I’m going straight home. Anyone else, I’d appreciate the effort, but I shudder at the thought of what you think constitutes a good hen night. I can see I’m going to have to lock myself in my room the night before my wedding. Perhaps I’ll have to hire a bodyguard that night. A gay, castrated, blind bodyguard who you can’t work your influence on. I’ll have to get one for Jack too. I’d lie and say his family already have something planned for him if I thought it would stop you. I feel like I’m sticking him in it by saying they’ve got nothing planned for him (as far as I know), but I know there’s no stopping you and you’ll go ahead regardless. You’re making me nervous now. I’ll have to hope and trust that Michael can keep you under control because I can’t be there to smack you over the head when you go too far (which I know you will). I hate to say it, but the more time you spend trying to corrupt me, the less time you’ll have to try and corrupt Jack.

You’re not going to have much time to worry about me and Jack anyway, because I have a job for you. I want you to do whatever it takes to make sure Dad’s not home the morning before the wedding. I don’t think he’d care if I was getting married, but nonetheless, I don’t him home when I’m getting ready for the happiest day of my life. He’s not always home on a Saturday morning anyway, but I’m not leaving it to chance. Whoever he’s screwing, you have to make sure he doesn’t bring her home Friday night. If that means having sex with him yourself, then go ahead. I never know if he has a girlfriend or not, and his relationships are always so short him having one now doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll still be with her when the wedding comes. I’m hoping that’ll keep you busy long enough that you won’t have time for me or Jack.

See, this is why I knew I was going to regret inviting you to come to my wedding.

1. Okay, I’ll compromise with you on this one. If you behave during the ceremony (and I mean BEHAVE – no sex toys or anything), I’ll let you have sex with Michael (but nobody else, mind you), but you’ll have to go into one of the rooms. You can have the key and use that room as much as you like, but if I catch you having sex anywhere else or with anyone else, I’ll do whatever it takes to make your life hell.

2. I don’t know what kind of weddings you’ve been to before, but no, no pole dancers. You’ve shot yourself in the foot with this rule because I would have been happy before, but now you’re searching for ways around it I’m going to have to change it. Now whatever you wear has to be no more than one inch below your collarbone and no less than three inches BELOW your knee. For the moment I’ll let you wear your own clothes, but if you start taking advantage, you’ll be wearing my clothes and they’ll be trousers. Also, I probably should have thought of it before, but you’re not allowed to make your boobs any bigger than a C cup. Again, you’ve shot yourself in the foot here because I would have left it up to you before.

3. I’m not asking you to dress like a Muslim, I’m just asking you to dress normal (my normal, not yours). I’ve already covered this in rule one, but I think you should know that there’s not going to be anyone over the age of 13 who isn’t married. If you flash anyone, I swear I’ll kill you.

4. My wedding, my rules. If you can’t stick by those rules, then don’t come! You can do what you like at your own wedding, but at mine, you’re going to behave yourself.

That can’t be a good thing, you not being able to wait for it either. I know what kind of things you look forward to.

-Poppy

2008-09-19T19:00:00.002+01:00

To: Poppy
Re: Sense

Well, it does make sense for you and Jack to be married. You're obviously very much in love and therefore marriage becomes a statement of unity, rather than the sham it usually becomes. That's how it should be, if such a thing was necessary at all. With regards to your Dad, it might be interesting when he does discover it. After all, who wants to think their relationship with their child has deteriorated to the point where they don't tell you they're getting married? It might even inspire him to talk to you.

You should definitely talk to Jack about his Father, after all, when you're married you're supposed to share everything, including troubled memories. Sensitive subjects are usually the ones that help you see exactly who people are, and sharing such things with those you love and trust is always a good thing, if the relationship is genuine. It's probably better getting married the way you are, in a church it would be somewhat of a lie now, at least where the religious aspect is concerned. Well, you know you're going abroad but it could be anywhere so Jack can still keep it mostly secret.

You might not miss having that kind of relationship as a kid, but even knowing it can happen, you don't have to miss it now. It is quite possible to be single and happy at the same time, and there's no reason to get involved in a relationship just for the sake of it. A rule of thumb might be that if you can't imagine life without someone, you're probably too attached. Be very careful where you feelings take you, because needing someone as opposed to loving them makes for a very unhealthy relationship.

There is no reason to tell Damien anything if you don't want to, you certainly don't owe him anything even if he is to be pitied. Still, like you say, it might make him back off a little if he knows you're getting married.

Health and Safety in your country has become something of a Joke. Kids are resilient, and they can live with a hit from a conker. No need to restrict them on such trivial things. The irony is of course that they try to protect them physically and go completely overboard. Emotionally it's a different story, children watch television that deals with issues far beyond their understanding, and they are generally consistently lied to by their parents. There's always justification for such things, but it becomes the way children see the world, and minimalises your chances of the next generation changing the world for the better, and therefore your races chances of a future at all.

Well, the NHS don't make money, it's funded by taxes but they are supposed to stay within their budget. The fact that they obviously can't shows that not only is the system being mismanaged, but that there is a greater economic problem for the entire country.

The government drive virtually everyone nuts for one reason or another, but very few people are willing to actually create a political party so they can stand up and be counted. Of those that do, they tend to be very focused on specific issues, rather than having a plan to change everything for the better. It's a shame, because things haven't yet reached the point where you couldn't recover. Even the damage to the environment could be undone with time.

Of course, political correctness is another thing than annoys people, so dressing up as a terrorist is an offence you can be fired for. Such holding back of expressive feelings does nothing good for anyone, and like you say, people would do well to lighten up. Might even lighten up to the point where they could negotiate peace with such terrorists. They're people too, desperate people but people all the same. No reason why they wouldn't listen to reason. People make peace, not war.

-----Original Message-----
From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]
Sent: 14 September 2008 20:47
To: God
Subject: FW: Planning

Why do you need to reform criminals exactly? Or punish them for that matter? If someone's proved guilty of a high level crime why not just chop their heads off? It's not like you 'need' them as part of society, you've got more than enough people about!

Still, you have to think from the Police's point of view that being impartial, there's really no proof. With no witnesses or anything you can't punish people like that. If it was guilty until proven innocent you'd have a world of trouble. Course, you do anyway, but it'd be even worse.

Ha, I like the way you think that anyone who reads The Sun is doomed to have a crappy life! I also like the way these 'intelligent' newspapers talk about how much the rainforests are being decimated. Humans are a stupid race most of the time. Ever thought of just getting your news on the net?

People 'are' sex objects! They're other things too, but sex is a huge part of instinct. Of course, it has to be otherwise you'd never reproduce. Now, don't knock it until you've tried it. You'll see Jack in the shower yourself one day, and you'll know that:

a) I'm watching and

b) You'll be too tempted by the sight that you'll have to join him anyway and

c) Again regardless of point a), you'll have to have sex with him, in the shower, because of point b)

When it happens, just remember I told you so!

Romantic! I like that. You tell me that, then say in the next paragraph that you 'wanted to rip his clothes off there and then'! Not that I'm complaining, you're taking your first steps after all. The lustful feelings are growing inside you, and soon you'll find out how great it all is.

Still, play safe. Have yourselves tested and get some birth control. Human life is so fragile, and it'd be a great shame if you got some horrible disease out of it. Hey! I'm responsible... Well ok, maybe I wasn't before, but I'm not making any new babies! That's Michael's influence that is.

Oh come on, your love is something to be celebrated. Celebrated with thousands upon thousands of angels watching and cheering!

It's not so much Christians that lack common sense, but all humans. Especially the Jehovah’s Witnesses, although they're just insane. I did used to enjoy seducing them though, ah memories...

Perhaps I should arrive a little before the wedding day to uh, help with your makeup? Also you'll need a hen night, I'll have to arrange to have you abducted since I know you won't agree to come by just asking. Do Jack's family/friends have anything planned for him? I'm sure we could do something nice for him too if they don't (or even if they do and it's crap).

Ok your rules...

1. A WHOLE DAY?! You mean a single full rotation of your planet?! That's just silly. I could maybe manage to refrain from it during the actual ceremony, I guess I can bring a vibrator or something.

2. You mean to tell me there's going to be no pole dancers at your wedding? Couldn't you book them in time or something? That's a shame. I guess I could accommodate you with three inches above the knee, I'll just have to be a girl with small thighs or something. Five inches below the collarbone could probably be done too, although I'll have to watch my proportions. Maybe if my boobs are high enough and big enough that could work.

3. Ok look, I'm not showing up dressed like some kind of Muslim fascist here. If people look at me weird, I'll do what I always do and just flash them. Or I could use my seductive smile, and they'll melt like ice to water. Then boil like water to steam. By that time I'll be on them, and, well, ever see a supernova? It'll be quite a lot like that in many ways.

4. Why don't you just put shit through my letterbox? Metaphorically of course, since I don't have one... As for the PG limit, well, that's just impossible.

Oh, by the way, I'll be coming as a girl and Michael will be a guy, so remember that when you make up a story for us. Saying 'anything lewd or inappropriate' can mean so many things, and it's just impossible for me not to do that, relative to what's going on around me. It's part of my very soul. That's my excuse anyway.

I can't wait either!

Love, light and medical experiments,
Gabriel

Signature - There'll be time for explanations later. And hopefully, some sex!

2008-09-14T20:42:00.005+01:00

To: God
Re: Planning

I still can’t really believe that me and Jack are actually getting married. It’s all we’ve talked about all week, but it feels unreal and too good to actually be happening. Nothing could possibly make me happier right now.

When I was little, I used to watch all those old Disney films like Snow White and Cinderella with the big white weddings at the end and think that that was what I wanted, but now I’m here and getting married soon, none of that stuff matters. I think we could get married in a back alley somewhere and it wouldn’t bother either of us, because all that matters is the two of us telling the world and each other how much we’re in love. You’re right, it’s nothing to do with having kids or being with each other forever, it’s about showing that there’s nobody else for either of us and what could, no, what would have been if the world hadn’t been working against us. There’s no doubt in my mind that if Jack wasn’t dying we’d end up married, and one of the painful things about Jack dying is what I’m not going to be able to do with him. I know this wedding is Jack’s way of doing what he can and saying sorry he can’t do the rest.

I had no idea there was so much to organise in the wedding though. There’s so much legal stuff to deal with, as well as the things for the ceremony. This country certainly doesn’t make it easy for people to get married. Me and Jack went to the registry office yesterday to sort things out and find out everything we needed to do (really, you need a license to get married in this country). We’ve got to go back on Monday when I’ve got my birth certificate. I know Dad’s got it, but I don’t want to ask him where it is and he doesn’t work weekends, so I’ve got to wait until Monday when he’s back to work so I can turn the house upside down looking for it. If I still can’t find it, I’ll have to ask him, but I don’t want it to turn into a discussion about why I need it, because I don’t want to tell him I’m getting married, and Jack’s going to help me look for it.

I did wonder for a bit if I should tell Dad, but I don’t want to. Jack had a big argument with his mum on Thursday about him telling his dad, which made me wonder if I should tell mine. His mum thinks he should let his dad know he’s getting married, and Jack doesn’t want to. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen Jack get angry. I don’t want to ask because I can tell it’s a sensitive subject for him (just like the subject of my parents is for me) but Jack is such a loving person I’m curious to find out what his dad did to stir up so much hatred inside him and what he did that Jack can’t forgive.

We went to church yesterday to at least try for a church wedding, but as expected it’s not possible. The earliest date we could get was the 29th of November, and Jack could be gone by then. We tried Jack’s old church too, but we couldn’t get until January there, so it’s not going to be a religious ceremony because the stupid law says you can only have a Christian wedding in a church. Jack’s a bit disappointed, but I’ve managed to bring him around to the way I see it. If I had a penny for every time I’ve told Jack “I’m not marrying God, I’m marrying you”, I could probably feed an African family for a week. In the end though, he said he knows that Heaven will be watching no matter where we get married. If only he knew. I wonder if it would make him feel better if he knew there are going to be angels at the wedding. I wish I could tell him.

We’ve got a busy day tomorrow since me and Jack have to go to the passport office to apply for a passport for me. Jack was a bit disappointed to find I had no passport, but even though I’m getting one now, that means I know that he’s planning on taking me abroad somewhere for our honeymoon, but of course he won’t tell me exactly where we’re going. He likes giving me surprises too much, even though I hate all the guessing. I don’t know what was going through my mind when Jack asked if there was anywhere in particular I wanted to go, and I said I’d be happy anywhere as long as I was with him. I should have seen it coming that he’s keep it as a surprise for me. I should have said I wanted to go to France or something. At least that way I’d know what to expect. I do enjoy surprises when I get them, but I hate the guessing and anticipation. At least I have a little bit of knowledge knowing it’s abroad somewhere, but the world is a big place, I’d never guess exactly where we were going. We have to go to the passport office in person since I don’t have a passport, which puts to an end Jack keeping it a total secret from me, but he’d have a tough time getting me a passport without me knowing (impossible, actually), and I have to go to the passport office in person because if we do it by post we won’t get my passport in time for the honeymoon.

I’m looking forward to Saturday the most though right now. Poor Jack, he’s going to be home alone while I’m off trying on wedding dresses with his mum and sister. Emily’s even more excited about it than I am. She was so happy when I told her she could be my bridesmaid, since if nothing else she gets to wear a pretty dress, so she’ll get to try on lots of different dresses with me. I have a suspicion that Jack will be off planning our honeymoon while I’m off trying on dresses though. He says he’s keeping the honeymoon a secret because he’s not allowed to see my dress. We both know it’s tradition, and even when I asked him if he’d tell me where we were going if I let him see my dress, he said no, but he still enjoys using it as an excuse.

We’ve got to try and find somewhere to hold the wedding too, since we can’t have it in church, and if you have it at the registry office there are so many rules about what you can and can’t have. They’ve got a big list at the registry office of all the licensed venues though, so we’re going to have a look at that when we go back with my birth certificate on Monday to sort out our marriage license.

So much stuff to organise. Part of me wants to say screw it, if I’m getting a passport anyway let’s just go to Vegas and get it done with. It wouldn’t be the same though.

I find it hard to imagine my life without Jack (and the horrible thing is that I don’t have too long left before I’m going to have to find out what it’s like), but if I was a kid again, I wouldn’t miss having that kind of relationship, would I? I like to think I’m a pretty accepting person and I don’t dislike people until they give me a reason to, but avoiding the people I don’t like isn’t that easy. Damien still texts me almost every day (not that I get much chance to text back to him) and there’s not much I can do to avoid that. I feel even sorrier for him now, knowing how much hard work goes into arranging a wedding, and with my wedding I know all that work is going to be completely worth it at the end. Damien’s being forced to do all the hard work I’m doing, and at the end he’s getting married to someone he hates and can’t stand to be with, and he’s too much of a coward to stand up to Michelle and say no. In some ways, I can’t blame him. From what I’ve seen and heard of Michelle, she’s not someone I’d want to get on the bad side of, but he really should end it while he’s still got a reasonable chance. It’ll all be so much more difficult when he’s married.

Damien doesn’t know I’m getting married yet. I’m not sure if there’s much point in telling him. I’m not inviting him to the wedding (obviously), and it seems a bit twisted because I’m sure it’ll crush him, especially since he doesn’t know Jack will be gone before it’s really begun. Then again, it would be a good way of letting him know that he’s got no chance of getting back together with me again, but it seems a bit of a cruel way to do it if I’m not giving him the whole truth.

Don’t get me started on red tape. I’ve had enough of that with the wedding. You can’t do anything these days without someone outlining exactly how you can and cannot do something. The best part about all the health and safety red tape is that they’re being forced now to do away with a lot of it because kids don’t know how to deal with danger because the state likes to wrap them in bubblewrap. I used to play conkers as a kid and it never did me any harm. I don’t know anyone who it did harm, either. I look back on happy times I had playing conkers. There used to be a conker tree at the end of my road (yeah, used to be. The health and safety people did away with that as well, probably out of fear a conker could knock someone out if it fell from the tree) and I used to go there every day after school looking to see if any more had fell them soaking them in vinegar for a few days. Kids aren’t allowed to do that now.

Of course the government worry more about the army than the police or the NHS, everything’s about image for them. Hey look, we have free healthcare! We send military aid to out friends! We fight evil! Ally with us! Yeah, fantastic. We look great from the outside, but the inside is falling apart. The government think that the only way they can solve problems is to throw money at it. There’s always reports on the news of how much each NHS trust is in debt. I don’t know, maybe this is a bit of a naïve point, but aren’t they supposed to be losing money? If healthcare is free, how are they supposed to make money?

The government drive me nuts when I start thinking about them like this. That guy in the police who dressed up as Bin Laden in the carnival got me going a bit over what they thought was a necessary way to deal with it. Yeah, perhaps it was a bit in bad taste, but did he really deserve what they gave him over it? It was just a costume. It wasn’t like he was secretly in league with Al Qaeda or anything. I think some people need to learn to lighten up and take things as they’re meant sometimes. He wasn’t trying to promote terrorism or Muslim extremism any more than me and Jack are trying to brainwash anyone into becoming Christian by having a Christian wedding. Even if we found a Christian registrar, the law still says you’re not allowed to do it (and yet they’ll still try to force Christian registrars to do gay weddings. It makes no sense!).

Gabriel, prison isn’t necessarily just about punishment, it’s about reforming them too. Even if they’re beyond redemption, I still think prison is a better punishment than death. Why should they get to make other people suffer then just die and that’s the end of it? It probably is a bit sadistic, but if I think about the guy who killed my mum, I’d rather see him in jail (a real jail, not the ones they have these days with Sky TV and Xboxes) suffering rather than just dead and put out of his misery. He ruined my life! He should be made to suffer just as much as I have. For that to happen, he has to suffer for a long time. Violence isn’t the answer, even if I had it in me. I want to see him in emotional pain, not physical pain, and for a very long time. As it was, I didn’t even get to see him go to jail with Sky TV. The bastard’s still out there somewhere because the police claimed that the fact he was caught drink driving a quarter of a mile down the completely straight road with no turn offs wasn’t enough to prove that he actually hit my mum, and there were no witnesses (yeah, because there was nobody else on the road!). Who else could it have been?!? In the end, all he got was a 12 month driving ban and a £1000 fine for what should have been a murder charge. Innocent until proven guilty fails badly. I’ve really been missing Mum these past few days. I feel like she should be here for my wedding.

Well, that’s the problem with a lot of people. They don’t care about anything else because someone’s got their tits out. Then again, if these people were smart enough they wouldn’t be reading that type of newspaper, so not to worry too much because they probably wouldn’t make that much of a difference. Damien used to look at page 3 (probably still does) and look at what his life has turned into now. Jack reads intelligent newspapers and he’s marrying the girl he loves, whereas Damien’s being forced into marrying a girl he hates who’s pregnant with his baby. There’s more to life than sex, some people just don’t realise that.

I don’t see people as sex objects like you do, that’s why I can’t see how it’s fun to watch people in the shower.

Wait a minute, have you been watching Jack in the shower as well? When I said you should watch someone who didn’t know you were watching, I didn’t mean Jack! Leave him alone! What do you think you’re going to get out of watching Jack? He’s got a girlfriend! Wait, no, he’s getting married! Stop it! Of all the people in the world, why do you have to watch us? We’re not going to be taking showers together, hate to break it to you, especially not by your request. In fact, you’ve ruined any chance of that happening by asking.

A sensitive way? That’s not some compassion coming out, is it? Trust you though. I say me and Jack are getting married, and the first thing you think about is whether or not we’re going to be having sex. Not how romantic it is or anything, just the sex. You try to be sensitive, then tell me that you’ll be watching! You really have no morals at all, do you? Can I have a little bit of privacy for once? Would that be so much to ask for?

In all seriousness though, I hadn’t thought about it until you brought it up. I brought it up with Jack today and asked whether we would, and Jack got the most unbelievable smile on his face and told me he hoped so. I’ve never seen that smile on Jack’s face before. I don’t know what the word for it is. Seductive? Anyway, it went right inside me. I wanted to rip his clothes off there and then. Just kissing him doesn’t seem enough any more. I was originally thinking that there was nowhere near enough time to arrange a wedding, but now I want to get married tomorrow if that’s what’s going to come after. So yeah, I think that should answer your question. I really can’t wait until the wedding now.

There is a serious side to it all though, like what if he gets me pregnant. Not that I don’t want Jack’s kids, just not when I’m 18 and under these circumstances where he’ll be gone before they’re even born. I wish I could have more time with him. Even if I did want to get pregnant with him now, it’s not a good idea while he’s having chemotherapy because of the way the drugs affect his system – any kids he did have now could well end up deformed. At the end of the day, I don’t want to be a single mum at 18, even if it is Jack’s child. We’ve talked about it a bit, but we’re planning on going to see Jack’s doctor some time this week (something else on the neverending list of things we need to do) to find out what’s the best thing for us to do. Some of us are a bit more responsible than you.

Another serious point – you don’t even want to think about what I’ll do to you if you watch us while we’re doing it. You can tell that to everyone else watching me too.

Heaven forbid I should annoy my viewers! Where would I be without them? Oh yeah, a lot better off. I do agree with you about the BBC though. The only really good thing they’ve made these past few years is Doctor Who, and even then that’s not half as good as it used to be. Everything else is just reality shows, which I can’t stand. It’s still better than the rubbish on ITV though.

I’m sure we won’t be thinking about nudist beaches or fetish clubs later on. If you want to go to one, that’s your choice. Me and Jack have more sophisticated ideas of fun than you. Not everything in life has to involve sex, you know.

Some Christians annoy me too, but there are other Christians who are the nicest people you could possibly hope to meet. I hate Christians (or people of any religion, actually) who try to force their religion onto other people, because it makes the rest of us look bad. Unfortunately, it’s often the priests and clerics who do that. It makes me feel embarrassed those Christians who are fighting for creationism to be taught in school as fact. The people who wrote the Bible couldn’t possibly have been there to see it, so what makes it fact? Even when I used to believe in the Bible, I could see that it was just a story. I wish some Christians would learn some common sense sometimes.

I had a conversation with some Jehovah’s Witnesses a few years ago. They really do annoy me. People like that give Christianity a bad name. They were dead set on convincing me that my way of life was wrong, even though we were both following what was essentially the same religion. They have no ability to think for themselves. I tried arguing with them, but I gave up in the end because I wasn’t getting very far, they were just so ignorant and unaccepting. With all the other branches of Christianity, I can see the reasons the rules are there, but not with Jehovah’s Witnesses. I wouldn’t mind shooting a few of those.

I’m so glad you and Michael are coming! (even if you do drive me nuts sometimes). I’m looking forward to it. I’ll be glad to see Michael again and (as much as I hate to say it) you as well. For a while, I was worried that I wasn’t going to have anyone to invite and all of Jack’s family would be there and I’d be there with nobody. We talked about who we were inviting, and Jack’s only got 12 people (all his mum’s side of the family), but I don’t have any family to invite. My mum was an only child, so no aunts or uncles or cousins, and her parents, my grandparents, died before I was born, and I don’t get involved with my dad’s side of the family. I’m so happy there’s going to be someone I know coming and I’m not going to look like a total loner.

We’re hoping to have the wedding on the 11th of October, since that’s the only realistic date for it. Jack will be in chemo the week before, and if we have it the week before that there won’t be enough time to organise everything and we won’t be able to go on our honeymoon right after, not that I’ll have my passport by then anyway. We can’t say anything for certain yet though until we find somewhere to hold it and someone to do it, but that’s the date we’re hoping for.

I’ll have to have a think about what I’m going to tell Jack about who you two are. He knows I have no friends apart from him, and no family (or at least, no family I would invite to my wedding), so it’s going to take some work to come up with something convincing.

Well, if you’re coming, I have some rules for you:

1 - No trying to have sex with the registrar or the photographer or any of Jack’s family or… in fact, I’ll just make it simple. No sex with anyone, whether it’s consenting or not. I’m sure you’ll manage to last a day without it.

2 – Whatever you wear, it’s not allowed to be any more than three inches above your knee or five inches lower than your collarbone. Sleeves wouldn’t go amiss either. If in doubt, ask yourself if I would wear it (whether I would wear it, not whether you’d like to see me in it). If the answer to that question is no, then it’s probably not appropriate. Oh, no midriffs either. You’re going to a wedding, not a pole dancing club.

3 – I don’t want to imagine what type of things you keep in your wardrobe, but no leather or PVC or anything like that. It’s not a fancy dress party either.

4 – Going back to the topic of sex, I think I’ll have to spell it out for you so you don’t go searching for loopholes. Keep your body to yourself, including your mouth and hands. Don’t go doing anything that would be too dirty for a PG movie.

I could go on all night coming up with rules, so I’ll just summarise in saying behave yourself. Just for one day, see if you can go without doing anything lewd or inappropriate.

I do love my new surname (or what will be my new surname). It’s probably a bit sad, but I’ve been practicing my new signature with my new name. I’m probably biased, changing from my dad’s name to Jack’s name, but it does sound so much better, and it’s like there will always be a little bit of Jack with me.

I can’t wait! I’m so excited!

-Poppy Honeywell (yeah, it looks right too)

2008-09-13T06:15:00.001+01:00

To: Poppy
Re: Government and the End of the World

So you've decided to go down the marriage route, fair enough. It does make sense, and if it makes you happy for some time that can only be good. Normally I might suggest that marriage can only be restrictive, and serves no real purpose, but in this case, it's the idea and the declaration of it that makes it all worth it. You won't have to deal with the difficulties of marriage because it can't last long enough for that, so hopefully you'll just get the good bits of it.

Of course, being a child is much easier because all the difficult stuff is taken care of for you. Still, children don't get involved in intimate relationships, so if you went back to that you wouldn't be with Jack now. Having said that, the 'black and white' approach to life you mentioned can be used as an adult too. You like who you like, avoid who you don't. Just because a lot of other people don't do that doesn't mean you should feel compelled to make their mistakes.

As to the imperial/metric problem, it has been an issue for a long time. The problem is that if both systems are used, inevitable confusion results. The main problem comes from the new generation, who having been taught metric, have to then learn another system to be able to do certain things. Of course, it works the other way too, if you only know imperial, how are you supposed to know what the weatherman means if he says it's going to be 20°C? Still, you can probably count on the fact that whatever he says, it'll be wrong. The point though is that there is no real purpose in having both systems, so choosing one and sticking with it would help to solve the problem. With only one system in place, people would learn it very quickly, and given the choice between the two it's obvious that metric is simpler.

Of course, your government is well known for investing vast amounts of money in pointless activities. The Millennium Dome is a good example of that. Having said that, people in general tend to spend lots of money on things that serve no real purpose, so maybe they are "speaking for the people" in that case.

Naturally, "red tape" is something else your government is famous for, although people have complaints about that everywhere. Of course, the government has to try to cover every eventuality, especially with regard to criminal law. Otherwise different judges could give different sentences for the same crime. This results in a massive web of laws, which are usually not understood by the general public. Of course, this is great for lawyers, since they can dedicate all of their working lives to understanding it, and make huge amounts of money for it.

In actual fact, wages for the armed forces in the UK are better than a lot of civilian jobs, and the benefits are very good as well. They have to be, for anyone to want to do such dangerous work. Of course, people do sign up for the army, which they wouldn't otherwise do unless the benefits outweighed the risks for them (or they had a death wish). Still, the fact that the government sees such a need for armed forces as opposed to decent healthcare and internal security (police) says something about human priorities.

Scientists always have to take risks to advance in their knowledge. In the past, these risks at worst involved a few people dying. Attempts to fly, for example. Nowadays, technology has increased, and of course people are looking into things they don't understand. It does show a certain lack of concern that the security at the Hadron Collider was cracked by a group of hackers. Having said that, smashing atoms together is not going to create black holes big enough to destroy (or even really effect) your world no matter what. You humans do know you need a collapsing "star" full of atoms for that, right?

-----Original Message-----
From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]
Sent: 10 September 2008 21:28
To: God
Subject: FW: Bliss

It certainly seem sadistic to me to lock someone up for years on end yeah! An individual who's been done a great wrong might well want to punish whoever's responsible, in a much more aggressive way that locking them up, but for society surely it would be easier to simple dispose of people like that? I mean, it's not like you humans need to keep people like that alive, you've got enough people on your planet anyway.

Well, I do kinda agree with the page 3 girls thing actually. I figure it would be a much better experience to visit a brothel or something than staring at a photo. But hey, nicer to look at an attractive topless woman than the latest stats on your wars, or a picture of some starving child huh?

How can you not see that watching people shower is fun? It's kinda one of those taboo things you humans like so much, watching people like you and Jack getting all wet and steamy. By the way, personal request, can you do that together?

Speaking of that, how can I say this in a sensitive way... Ok how about this - if you're getting married I take it that means you'll be getting your cherry popped soon? I'll be tuning in for that!

Nah no advertising, we don't have money up here so it would be pointless and annoying for your viewers. Still can't believe you people put up with paying the BBC so much for a few pretty crappy channels without adverts.

Well yes... I was thinking of a nudist beach. Maybe a fetish club or something. Something to think about later on.

Ha! A lot of people would also rather shoot themselves that be a Christian! Or the clearer minded ones would rather shoot the Christians. Killing all those priests and clerics would be one of the best things you could do as a species.

We wouldn't miss it! You'll have to let us know exactly when it'll be, so I can set the recorder. Er... I mean be there on time. One thing though, you might want to come up with something to tell Jack about who we are, can't really introduce us as a couple of angels who raped your ex with another angels trout now can you?

I do like your new surname by the way, much more fitting than the old one!

Love, light and medical experiments,
Gabriel

Signature - There'll be time for explanations later. And hopefully, some sex!

2008-09-10T21:21:00.002+01:00

To: God
Re: Bliss

I’m too excited to talk about anything else first, so I’ll just say it. Me and Jack are getting married! I still can’t quite believe it. It seems like too good a thing to happen to me. It’s just amazing. It’s funny, just a while ago I was saying that one of the things I couldn’t stand about Jack dying was how we were never going to do things like get married, and now here we are engaged. I’m sat here with a big smile on my face. I don’t have the words to describe how I’m feeling right now.

There’s a long story about how it happened. Jack got back from chemo last Friday and had decided while he was in hospital that we should go away somewhere again since we both enjoyed going to London, so as soon as he got home he told me that we were going away and I had to pack my things. Of course, Jack being Jack couldn’t just tell me where we were going, apart from the fact I needed to take a warm coat (of course, with British weather being British weather, that’s a good idea wherever we were going, but at the time I didn’t realise how much I’d really need it), but I’ve come to expect that now. I don’t know if it was just me being a girl, but Jack managed to pack his things so much quicker than I did, so he came down to my place to help me pack and tell me what I should bring, then we kissed on my bed for a while, then the living room, then the kitchen table, then we eventually got into his car, where we still kissed for ages. It’s unbelievable how much we miss each other when he’s away in hospital. He said that we were making up for the time he’d lost for kissing me when he was in hospital, which I can kind of agree with. When Jack’s not here, I feel like I’ve got no energy, but when he comes back all the energy I should have had comes exploding out in one go and Jack’s the only one I can let it out on. Well, after about an hour, we finally got going, and Jack asked me to pick between two letters – C and W. I don’t know why, but I chose W, and spent the whole journey there wondering where we were going, just like when we went to London. Thankfully, the journey there wasn’t as long as last time, not that I didn’t enjoy the journey itself – I love any time that involves me and Jack being alone together – but it was just how he keeps me wondering. It’s fun to begin with, but it gets really annoying after a while, with me trying to guess from the road signs where we’re headed, and he finds it hilarious to keep me guessing.

Well, after about two hours, I discovered that the W was for Wales (I’m still wondering where we would have gone if I had chosen C), and we arrived in Cardiff, which was brilliant. We stayed in a hotel in the bay which overlooked the water, and we were right at the top, and the view from our window was amazing. I hate to think how much it all cost though, but money’s no object with Jack. We had champagne (we both got quite drunk and got the giggles for hours) and chocolates and strawberries and they had an indoor swimming pool there, and we had a lot of fun (and totally took advantage of the room service too – I’m so glad I’m not Jack’s bank manager, but Jack’s dad runs his own business and pays for whatever Jack wants, and Jack hates his dad so feels the need to take advantage of that, since his dad hasn’t even bothered to so much as phone him since he was diagnosed with cancer).

On Saturday we went shopping in Cardiff. I don’t normally enjoy shopping that much, but there are some really unusual shops in Cardiff (including a condom shop. I’m being serious. The funny thing was that Gabriel was the first thing that came to mind when I saw that). Wales seems such a great place to live. Everyone there seems to have a real identity of who they are as a country and have pride for where they live, which I don’t think we have that much of in England. On the way back to the hotel there was a Doctor Who exhibition in the bay where they had all sorts of costumes and sets, and it was absolutely amazing. I love Doctor Who, and seeing all these things on the TV don’t do them justice. The exhibition was right next to where they filmed some of Doctor Who too, which wasn’t too far from where our hotel was, and that was incredible. We went to Cardiff Castle as well, which was brilliant.

On Sunday we got back in the car and carried on driving through Wales, not really heading anywhere in particular, just seeing where we ended up, and we ended up driving quite a way, since we were talking so much and enjoying ourselves in the car we never felt the need much to stop and get out. In the end, we found ourselves right at the other end of Wales, where there’s a town called Portmeirion, which was absolutely amazing. They filmed some TV show there back in the 60s, and I can see why. It was so beautiful. It was like something out of a fairy tale. I don’t really know how to describe it, it was so spectacular. It was hard to believe that it was really real. All the houses were so colourful and magnificent, and it was all built on a hill, so you could go down to the beach and look up at the town and see all the roofs of the buildings and it was just beautiful. They had a maze there and me and Jack had a race to see who could get through to the other side the quickest, which I lost badly, but we both got the giggles after over how bad my sense of direction is.

I really did try to persuade Jack not to stay the night there, because they charge obscene amounts of money, but it didn’t work. There was a little cottage by the sea where we stayed, and it was amazing. I wish I could describe it better, and I know I keep using the word amazing, but it really was. It was totally unreal, like something out of a dream.

Then Monday was without a doubt the best day of my life so far. We were driving back south through Snowdonia, which was absolutely breathtaking. There’s a long winding road going through a valley with huge mountains on either side of the road, and it’s spectacular. It felt like they could come crashing down on top of you at any second and it was just awe-inspiring. Half way through, there’s a little train that runs right to the top of Mount Snowdon, the third highest mountain in the UK, and so naturally we had to go on that, and that was where Jack first asked me if I wanted to marry him. At first, he just dropped it into the conversation, and at first I thought I couldn’t possibly have heard him right, but we talked about it for ages, just as a general concept. He’d been thinking about it all the time while he was in hospital, but was worried about asking me. He was worried that it would make it even worse for me after he dies if we got married and how I’ve got my whole life ahead of me and he’d worry I’d end up using it as a barrier to finding someone else after he’s gone (not that I can see myself with anyone else after Jack either way, but that’s another story). I told him there was nothing I wanted more than to marry him, despite the fact I knew it was impossible. We went off onto other subjects then, until we got to the top of the mountain and got off the train (where I was so glad Jack had made me bring a warm coat because there was snow in some places on the top). It was such a clear day, and we were so high up we could see the Isle of Man and Ireland from there. Then, right there at the top of the mountain, he said “Right, I’m going to do this properly now” and before I could ask him what he was talking about he pulled the ring from his pocket and went down on one knee and said “Poppy, will you marry me?”. I think my heart probably stopped beating for a bit then, and when it came back it went into overdrive. My brain just couldn’t handle it. I eventually managed to get a yes out amongst the hyperventilating.

I still can’t believe it. I can’t remember much of the journey back down the mountain, or the car journey home for that matter. We got home and sat there in the car for ages outside Jack’s house. I had to ask him whether he did actually propose to me on top of a mountain or whether or not I dreamt it. I still have to remind myself that it wasn’t a dream.

On the one hand, I have thought about the logic behind it. It probably will make it worse for me after he dies if I marry him, and I don’t want to be a widow at 18, but love isn’t logical. If I said no (not that I’d ever be able to), I’d have regretted it for the rest of my life. I’m sure the future is going to suck majorly, so I might as well concentrate on the present and making it as awesome as possible. I think the band holding me and Jack together is so tight anyway, making it tighter isn’t going to make any difference to how hard it’s going to hit me in the face when he’s gone.

I suppose me and Jack have been taking out enough time to play, since we’ve pretty much spent every day of the last two and a half months together, but the world still goes on. I miss the days where there wasn’t a care in the world, and I wish I could get them back again. I wish I could just spend all day with Jack without having to worry about what time we’re going to start getting hungry (although I must admit Jack’s more one for that, because I forget to eat when I’m with him) or what day of the week it is or how much longer we’ve got together before he has to go into chemo again. I know there are advantages to being an adult, but I’d take being a child any day of the week. I miss having the feeling that someone else cared about my wellbeing. I know Jack cares about me, but it’s a different type of care. I miss the type of care that Mum used to give me. Relationships were so much easier too. Everything was black and white. You either liked someone or you didn’t. You were their friend or you weren’t. There wasn’t any fuss about how you liked someone’s personality but you hate the way they do this or do that, or how you get along with one person but you don’t like the way they look or whatever. There were no judgments about people based on race or religion or anything like that. You took people for who they were. I miss that simplicity in life.

I can agree with the people who were arguing for the right to still use imperial. Back in the day when only imperial was used, I remember it took me ages to get used to it when I first started doing the shopping because Dad couldn’t be bothered any more, because at school they only used metric and imperial is so much more complicated to me. I expect sooner or later imperial will just filter out as metric is what’s taught in schools, but for the moment I’m happy with shops and places using both systems. I don’t agree with just going fully metric and leaving everyone else behind, but then, that’s the EU for you.

At the end of the day though, I can’t see how it took so long for them to just decide that shops should display both systems. I don’t know if it’s just me, but it seems obvious. Then again, the government aren’t really known for taking the obvious, cheapest and the route that’s going to make everyone happy. No, let’s spend a small fortune on something that nobody likes (like the London 2012 logo. It’s one of the most horrific logos of all time, and nobody likes it). Then we’ll have a good excuse for not doing anything about things that really matter!

Marriage law, obviously something I’ve been reading up on recently. Me and Jack don’t have enough time to wait for a church wedding, so it’s looking like a civil ceremony. You can’t have a civil ceremony that involves religion in any way, which I can kind of understand, because if I was a registrar I wouldn’t be happy conducting a ceremony involving something that went against my beliefs. If you want a religious ceremony outside of church, then you have to have two ceremonies one right after the other – first you have a total non-religious ceremony where you sign the certificates and whatnot, then you have a religious service right afterwards, probably in the same room, but with someone different conducting the ceremony. Would it be too easy to just have a religious ceremony at the registry office and sign the papers while you’re there at the ceremony? It’s what they do at church weddings. I’m not asking the registrar to get involved with anything Christian at all because they wouldn’t be conducting the wedding, but because it’s not in church, you’re not allowed to do that. Who comes up with these laws? Why should the building make any difference as to whether or not you’re allowed to sign the certificates at a religious ceremony?

It’s much the same with sorting problems in society. The government spend so long debating the ‘best’ ways of sorting things out, the problem has gotten a million times worse by the time they’ve come up with a ‘solution’. This deal with the credit crunch is getting on my nerves. Bills are going up so much (and there’s nothing to stop them going up, whereas in France there’s a law that they can’t raise prices any more than the rate of inflation), and a lot of people are struggling to get by. Gordon Brown announces that we shouldn’t be trying to lower the prices, we should be insulating our houses to save on heating costs. The people who need help with heating don’t have enough money to pay their bills, let alone be insulating their roofs! And what about the people who already have insulated roofs? Doesn’t change the fact we still can’t afford to pay the bills. All these companies can say that it’s to cover costs, but they’re still making an absolute fortune out of it.

Maybe one day we’ll have a government who know what they’re talking about. Gordon Brown has no idea about heating bills or what it’s like to live in the real world, so he has no real right to be making statements about what we should or should not be doing. I’d like to see him try living off a pension for a week or two. I’m sure a lot of people would. That or fighting in wars for hardly any money. These people risk their lives in places and the pay is terrible, I can’t see why anyone would want to sign up for the army. Plus, with our government, you’re probably not going to get much back if you lose a leg or something. Your life is ruined, but the government don’t care about that any more than they care about your family you’ve left behind if you get killed.

Right now though, I’m happy to be alive. I don’t know how they can not stop an experiment that has even the remotest chance of it opening a black hole and sucking in the Earth and everyone on it. I see what you mean about how we’re probably going to end up wiping ourselves out sooner or later.

Gabriel, I don’t think anyone deserves to die. I don’t know, maybe it’s a bit sadistic, but I think if you’ve done a crime that’s that bad, you should be made to spend a long time suffering for it. The death sentence just seems the easy way out to me. Spend your life doing whatever you want, and then you’ll die, which isn’t much of a punishment. If they spend the rest of their life in prison, then they’ll know how the people they’ve affected feel by the end.

Well, you said morals are relative. I feel that in this relative situation, it is my moral duty to draw clothes on page 3 girls to average out you watching me in the shower. You watch me in the shower, which I don’t like, so I really should do something which you don’t like to balance that out, like drawing on clothes. That’s the way society works. Cause someone else suffering and you should be made to suffer in return. If you have enough mental capacity to stop watching me in the shower (seriously, there are enough other people out there, can’t you watch someone else who doesn’t know you’re watching?), then I wouldn’t have to draw clothes on page 3 girls. I think page 3 girls are an abomination to all sane people. What’s the fascination with seeing a total stranger with no clothes on? You’re not even seeing that person there either, it’s just a photo. There’s no attachment to that (normally too stupid to get any other job) person. I’ve got no idea, maybe you can shed some light on that for me.

You’re such a hypocrite! You make me suffer for your convenience! Doesn’t matter whether it’s murder or watching people in the shower. Two totally different things there, but the principal is the same.

I can promise you, I’m not going to start watching people in the shower. That’s just sick and wrong. You can say what you want, but it isn’t going to happen.

I’m not here for everyone’s entertainment. I don’t want people watching me, so I’m definitely not dancing or telling jokes when there’s nothing else for me to do. I hate feeling like people are watching me, so there’s no way I’m going to do anything that’ll make them want to carry on watching me. The next thing I know, you’ll be asking me if I’m available to do advertising. “Poppy’s life will continue after this commercial break.”

What do you mean, a bikini would be a start? How is it possible to wear anything less? Actually, I suppose you think me and Jack should’ve gone to a nudist beach. Never gonna happen though, so don’t get excited.

I think I’d rather shoot myself than follow any religion you came up with. Just the thought makes me shudder… Then again, religions are always twisted by some people to something different to what they originally were. I’m sure I could interpret you as a hazard, therefore justifying me never taking my clothes off.

I’m sure I’m going to regret asking this, but do you and Michael want to come to the wedding? I feel stupid because I’ve got nobody to invite (not that Jack really has that many people), and if it wasn’t for you two, me and Jack would never have met.

Oh man, I can’t believe I actually asked.

Well, I’d better get going now. My fiancée is probably waiting for me by now. Wow, fiancée. What a word! Oh, and I’m going to have a new name too! I’ve had enough of being Poppy Lancaster. That’s my dad’s surname. Poppy Honeywell. . .I like that. It sounds so right. I could really get used to that.

-Poppy

2008-09-10T00:37:00.001+01:00

To: Poppy
Re: Unity and the Important Things

Then you'll have your work cut out for you, but what you want is what is, short term at least. You can't avoid people dying forever, and for now you're happy with the one you love. It's not as bad as it could be, and there are always more opportunities for relationships. Of course, it is the attachments that bring you pain, because when the bond is cut the band snaps back and hits you in the face (metaphorically).

Children tend to have less responsibility, but there's little reason you can't have some of that back sometimes. Take some time out to 'play' if you need to, nothing wrong in that. But of course, childhood has to end sometime and that innocence dies a little with that. There's benefits to being an adult too though, you can actually understand the results of your efforts. Relationships are much more interesting too.

Well, the purpose of the EU is primarily one of political unity. Common standards of measurement, currency, foreign policy and so forth. Whether it succeeds in these things or not is entirely debatable, but the purpose is an admirable one all the same.

It is interesting how people only really seem proud of being 'British' when the little things that people like are threatened. To take the obvious example, there was some heated debate over whether or not to go fully metric. To the more intelligent and clear minded amongst you, it doesn't matter at all where the system came from, or whether it's being 'forced' on the British. It only matters that it's clearly a better system than the old Imperial one. Of course, a lot of people liked their British Pints and such, and so they fought hard and long, and eventually a few concessions were made, probably the most important being the right to post amounts in both systems.

Of course, the fact that humans were and are quibbling over what is essentially pride, when people are still living in horrific conditions across the globe says something about peoples priorities, but hey, they get to drink beer in pint glasses so they can forget about stuff like that.

Well, a company could make profit and donate to good causes. Nobody would mind a company making enough to get a tidy profit, as long as the bulk of it went to good causes.

In theory of course, such a political party could easily exist. However, in today's Britain the government has lost almost all credibility with the public, and anyone who's a politician would have a very hard time gaining the trust of anyone. Still, that's an issue that all parties have to deal with. The green party have another issue, they're known for their fanaticism, and that helps to turn people away from them.

-----Original Message-----
From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]
Sent: 3 September 2008 23:27
To: God
Subject: FW: Boredom

No morals are absolute, there's always a situation where any action is justified. Like with homicide (or even murder), some people deserve to die. Or at least, it serves your society to have them die. Several countries execute prisoners fairly regularly, when they do that, they decide to kill that person. Of course, people will debate what deserves such a punishment and what doesn't, but all morals (and everything else in fact) are relative.

We live in a universe where something only has meaning relative to something else, hot and cold, big and small, amazing and... not. Still, I do think most people would agree that drawing clothes on the page 3 girls is something that is not only morally wrong but an abomination to all sane people everywhere.

I complain about humans because they allow immense suffering for their own convenience. I'll put watching someone in the shower, or impregnating a married virgin up against human crimes morally any day. But hey, you're a youngish species, you'll get better.

Well, maybe you won't and you'll get wiped out, but that works too.

I imagine they'd have only good things to say about me! I might be a little twisted by human standards but most people like me, even if it's kinda reluctantly. Maybe they could figure out why that is...

It IS fun to watch people in the shower. Try it sometime, you'll like it!

Yeah when you're bored your audience tends to get bored too, but there are other times when we're drooling with anticipation. Maybe you could do some dancing or tell some jokes to keep us entertained during those "quiet times"?

When at a human beach you should wear the "absolute minimum" required to avoid being arrested! And of course, you have to find someone nice to put some suntan on those hard to reach areas. Jack will be good at that. A bikini would be a start I suppose...

Now this is why I should have my own religion, my rules would be so much more fun:

"And lo, the glorious one declared, that aside from the purpose of protection from the elements and other hazards, (and people over the age of 40 or under the age of 14) all clothing is an abomination unto me."

Love, light and medical experiments,
Gabriel

Signature - There'll be time for explanations later. And hopefully, some sex!

2008-09-03T23:24:00.003+01:00

To: God
Re: Boredom

I don’t want everyone not to die in my next life, I want them not to die now. It might be my soul but in my next life, I won’t really be me, especially if I don’t remember any of it. I don’t care who loves me, it’s the people I love that really matter, and here and now, the one person I love is lying in a hospital bed four miles away recovering from drugs that are just prolonging the inevitable fact that he’s going to die. Jack won’t be in my next life (he’s not going to be in this life for an awful lot longer either), and I won’t be either.

It’s not so much the responsibility that I hate about being an adult, it’s how easy life was when I was a kid, at least before Mum died. There’s so much pressure when you’re an adult. I hate how quickly the world moves. I miss the days when I could play all day without having to worry about everything else that’s going elsewhere, or even little things like thinking about what I want for dinner tonight and when I should put it in the oven. The old days when it didn’t matter what day of the week it was because every day I could do whatever I wanted. Even going to school was nothing compared to what adults go through every day. Life moves so fast, before you know it, it’s over. My life used to feel like it was dragging on forever, but now I’ve got Jack, the days are disappearing so quickly. I can’t believe it’s September already. I don’t know where the last few months have gone. Every new month that comes around is another month I’ve had with Jack, and one less month I’ve got left with him. I hate having to turn over the calendar every month. I always think how many more times I’m going to do it before Jack dies. Now it’s only three at the most. I hate seeing the number of days I’ve got left with Jack written down on paper like that, seeing the days I’ve had and the days I’ve got left. It seems like no time at all.

I’m still trying to figure out what it is exactly that the EU do. All they seem concerned with is merging all the countries into one. We hear all the time how they’re trying to take things away from us that make Britain British, while at the same time making it alright for everyone to come to Britain, which everyone does, because we have a better welfare system and we pay better wages too, meaning that not only do all the welfare system start going bust, normal people can’t get jobs anywhere. They can standardise currencies and whatnot across Europe. They should standardise the minimum wage across Europe, then everyone wouldn’t rush here.

What company is realistically going to start a lottery where all the money goes to good causes? I’m sure they could work it out so they don’t lose any money at all from doing it, but it would still be taking time away from things they could actually make money on, especially if they have to go into competition with the National Lottery.

It’s hard for me to imagine a political party that have decent policies AND are nice enough for people to vote for them. People tend to vote for who’s going to benefit them before they worry about who or what else is going to benefit. That’s why the Green Party are never going to get into power.

I’ve been so bored today. Jack’s in hospital and Emily went back to school today, and I haven’t been to the library in ages so I don’t have any books to read either. I can’t even just lie in bed without Jack here. I did quite like being able to have a lie in on Sunday morning since I didn’t have to go to church with Jack, but even then I did kind of miss the little discussion that goes with getting out of bed on a Sunday morning. “Jack, remember that bit in the Bible where it says on the seventh day God rested?” I’ve been so bored today I was thinking about walking to the hospital to see Jack because I’m so bored and I miss him so much, but trust British weather to start raining when you really want the weather to be alright. If it wasn’t so far, the rain wouldn’t bother me, but four miles is way too far for me to walk in the rain. Well, that’s what Jack would say, anyway. I think it’d be worth it, but I know Jack would tell me off for it.

I don’t even have enough money to catch the bus to the hospital, even though the bus stop is almost a mile from my house, because I spent the last of my money getting the bus home from the hospital on Friday. It feels so good having that bandage off my arm again, even though I’m sure Gabriel’s been watching me in the shower every day now that I’m not having to take awkward one handed showers because I wasn’t supposed to get the bandage wet, although it does sting a little bit if I have the water as hot as I normally like it. The doctor said I had to be careful about it for a while or else I’ll end up with a scar. I’ve got a big mark on the side of my arm where I had a four inch long blister just after I did it, which is the bit that stings the most. Thinking about Gabriel watching me in the shower still makes me want to bang my head on the table, or better yet, bang her head on the table.

I saw Damien at the hospital on Friday, taking Michelle to have a scan on the baby. He looked so miserable. Michelle was getting really annoyed with him because he’s been moping around a lot lately. I spoke to him for a minute while he was waiting for Michelle to come out and he says Kirsty’s been giving him a lot of grief lately because she hasn’t seen him in over a week. If only she knew it was because his fiancée hasn’t let him out of her sight. I left just before Michelle came out because I knew there’d be an argument otherwise, but I could hear from the other end of the corridor when Michelle smacked him across the head when he wasn’t doing a very good job of trying to sound like he cared about the baby. It sounded painful. There’s something inside me that wants to feel sorry for him, but then when I was waiting outside for visiting hours to start so I could go see Jack, I was sorting through my phone and found that photo of him Gabriel took and had a quiet chuckle to myself. That photo makes me want to feel sorry for him too, but it makes me want to laugh more than it makes me want to feel sorry for him.

Gabriel, some morals are relative, others are absolute. I can’t think of any situation in which homicide would be right, any more than I can think of a situation in which watching someone in the shower who has specifically asked you I don’t know how many times to stop now is the right thing to do. I wish there was something I could do to annoy you like you’re annoying to give you a taste of your own medicine. I’m bored enough, I think I’ll have to rip page three out of Dad’s newspaper (not that the Sun is really a newspaper, it’s more of a gossippaper) and start drawing clothes on them or something. Then again, as much as I’d enjoy annoying you, I know Dad would notice that page missing, and I don’t want to get into any conversation with him, especially one involving naked people (or the lack thereof).

You complain about humans and the way they are, but there are so many things you say that make you sound like you could be human. Your ‘moral code’ is exactly the way I think most people think. There are still some Christian things I stick by, like do unto others as you would have them do unto you, but I think that would probably make it worse if you were going to do that. You sick girl, I expect you’d like it if I was to watch you in the shower.

Heh, psychiatrists. I wonder what they’d have to say about you.

Of course you think it’s fun to watch people in the shower, and of course you think everyone thinks it is, given the type of people I imagine you associate with. Not everyone is as twisted as you.

I watched The Truman Show the other night. Have you ever seen that film? (or is that a stupid question? There’s no sex in it) I feel like it’s my life all over. It makes me feel so self-conscious thinking that people are watching me all the time, even when I’m supposedly alone. There’s certainly enough drama in my life. My life always seems to switch between mind-crushing boredom and mind-crushing drama. I lie there in bed in the morning wondering how many angels are watching me there and then. I’ve sat here today thinking there can hardly be anyone watching me. I can’t imagine me being bored is very entertaining to watch.

Only you could look at what I was wearing at the beach and think it needed to be more revealing. I do have a bikini in my drawer, not that I’d wear it now. That would be like asking you to watch me. You were lucky to get me in my two piece. I was just going to wear t-shirt and shorts, but it was totally worth the thought of you watching me just to have Jack with no shirt on.

If I had money to buy clothes, they’d be less revealing, not more. It’s getting to the point now where I think twice before I wear sleeveless tops.

-Poppy

2008-09-02T23:46:00.001+01:00

To: Poppy
Re: Planning Ahead

Well, a pre-planned life wasn't what you chose at the beginning of it, and so it was not. If you like, next time you can have one where everyone loves you and nobody ever dies, how about that? A lot of people do in fact do that, but most report it to be somewhat limiting after a time. They long for more experiences, and that's what brings a lot of souls to Earth.

A lot of people tend to want to be a child. Much less responsibility, and people spend a lot more time just cooing over you. Much easier of course. No real reason to tell Damien about it, you're quite right about his likely response.

Oh no, in all likelihood the world will never work that way. That's not to say it's not possible to change though, at least not yet. There 'are' people who are starting to see the truth. If it does not happen within this planets lifetime it'll happen on another, and the process will go on. Of course, none of these unions are perfect as they are, but there are an attempt to do the right thing, to recognise that humanity is one species. The EU is worried that accepting certain countries will cause them problems later, and at the moment, it is right to do so.

In fact the odds are closer to 1 in 14 million, but still that's pretty unlikely. It just goes to show how desperate people are to spend money on odds like that. Of course, it wouldn't be too difficult for a larger business to start up a new lottery scheme that actually did send it's money to good causes, and start competing with the National Lottery. The government would still make money from the taxes of that as well.

Not that a government (or at least, unless they were very brave) would ever make that law, but it would show consumers just how much they're getting ripped off on certain things and force businesses to be honest with each other competition wise.

People have always complained about the government and their twisted ways. It's only now that technology is playing a greater role in scaring people that people are beginning to fear for the planets future.

The generational problem will always be there, but young people tend to rebel. It could still happen, some group could have decent policies AND a charming manner, and lead the country into becoming something worth living in. It'll only happen though, if enough people care about it. Vote in rubbish people and you'll get rubbish results.

Well, that just goes to show how needy humans can be. To put all your emotional requirements on a single person is quite dangerous and usually results in people getting hurt. Of course that little fact doesn't seem to stop humans from doing it... Still, it makes for an interesting experience for us all when they come back home to us.

Damien's getting what he deserves, but of course his rather confused attitude towards his situation might be at least partly due to getting raped by two angels and a fish. I'm told humans react badly to that.

-----Original Message-----
From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]
Sent: 27 August 2008 23:49
To: God
Subject: FW: Uncertainty

Well, no morals can be absolute. To take a trivial example, such as homicide, sometimes it's right and sometimes it's not. Humans tend to think about how it benefits them, then whether it benefits the others on their world, then they might think about the environment and such...

Now I on the other hand think only in terms of me and Michael, so there's us, then there's everyone else. We're far more important to ourselves than anyone else, so we should be putting ourselves first. Or at least, I do. Michael seems to live off catering to other people's needs, but that could be said to be his primary need. So he's really self serving too, even if it doesn't seem that way.

It IS fun to watch people (well, attractive people) in the shower. Ask anyone. Well, maybe not a priest or whatever, but anyone with normal human urges. They'll tell you.

Well, I suppose Gavreel can at least justify his purpose as something grand if not exactly pleasant... Of course, Raphael just has a fish... Probably the whole inferiority thing has turned into a total megalomania complex, but hey, ask a psychiatrist. It'll be one of those questions that starts with "I have a friend that..."

Yeah people love drama... But hey, there's always people being watched by angels. It's just you aren't always been watched by angels with the kind of pure thoughts you might have expected. Oh yeah, was going to mention the beach. You should wear more uh... Revealing clothing on the beach and, well, everywhere else in fact.

Love, light and medical experiments,
Gabriel

Signature - There'll be time for explanations later. And hopefully, some sex!

2008-08-27T23:45:00.000+01:00

To: God
Re: Uncertainty

Spending my life with the people I love would be a decent use of my life, but that gets messed up every time. I hate my life and not being able to know what’s going to happen in six months’ time. I hate how much uncertainty there is in my life. My life story could have been written by Shakespeare, because it always seems to end in tragedy. People like to watch it, but it sucks for the people involved.

I don’t want to be an adult. What I wouldn’t give to be 8 years old again. When I was 8 was the best time of my life. It’s the only time I can remember being happy for a proper length of time. Life never used to be this complicated. No dying boyfriends and exes texting and phoning me to get away from their fiancés. Damien phones me almost every day now, but I don’t answer it unless Jack isn’t there, so it’s not often. Damien still doesn’t know about Jack dying. I don’t want to tell him. It hurts to say, and I’m sure Damien will see it as a spark of hope for him.

You know as well as I do the world will never run on reason and love. I wish it did, but it’s just not the government’s way. Not the proper way, anyway. There’s no love in the government apart from love for money and power, and reason only comes into play when they’re trying to figure out the best way they can fleece money out of people or what to tax. Unity will never happen either. Even when they start things like the EU and the UN and any other acronym, they start getting stupid about it. The keyword is union, so why are the EU being so stupid about how one country is allowed in and another isn’t. It’s a union of European countries, right? So why should one European country be allowed in and not another?

Of course nobody’s going to stop buying lottery tickets, there’s obscene amounts of money to be won! Normal people love money almost as much as the government does. That’s how it all works. The government make money out of the lottery, the lottery make a huge profit while giving the impression of helping good causes to encourage people to buy more tickets, because there’s a one in a billion chance they could hit the jackpot. No wonder Richard Branson’s bid to buy the lottery and give all the takings to good causes was refused. How would the government make money from that?

As if the government would ever bring in a law where sellers had to tell their buyers their profit margins. Sellers would start charging less so customers like them for their low profit margins, and that would mean they had less money coming in from VAT!

I don’t know if it’s actually the government going that way, or whether it’s just me getting older and more aware and they’ve always been that way, but the government seem to be getting worse by the day. I swear they never used to be as bad as they are now.

The next generation is never going to change. By the time one generation is ready to change the next, they’re already too far gone to do anything. Maybe one day, if I have kids (not that I can see me ever having kids at the moment), I might teach them differently, but that’s just my kids. Nobody else will teach their kids any different, and it’s impossible for the next generation to change the world when the current generation is running it. By the time the next generation get the chance to run the world, they have already been corrupted and continue to run the world the way their parents did.

Well, you don’t have to worry about me and Jack. We’re not going to get married, as much as I wish we could. It wouldn’t change anything between us anyway. Neither of us could love the other more, and it seems a bit pointless to me now. If it wasn’t for Jack dying, marriage would be my dream, but it only lasts so long. Til death us do part. When I look at my life now, there’s only one really unbearable thing in it, and that’s Jack dying. If someone could wave a magic wand and stop Jack dying, I’d be able to live with the rest, because Jack makes me so happy I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I can’t. That’s what I think about every second of every day. When I’m with Jack, I’m so happy I can just about ignore it because I’m enjoying myself enough, but then when I’m alone I get like I am now and start getting upset and wound up at little things like the government and how Jack said he’d come down to my place in 20 minutes and it’s been 22 minutes now. That’s why every message I write is so pessimistic and depressing, because I can’t write it while Jack’s with me. The world doesn’t seem so bad when Jack’s here.

I’m looking forward to and dreading this Friday. On the plus side, I’m getting my bandage taken off, which I can’t wait for because it’s been irritating me so much now, but Jack’s going in for chemo again, which means I have to spend another week without him. Even if I stay with him at the hospital all day Friday, there’s still a whole six days without him. I barely have time to get over missing him for a week and then the next thing I know another three weeks have gone and he’s going back into chemo again. I don’t know where this summer has gone. The most amazing summer of my life, but it’s just gone. I suppose it’s better than next week though. Emily’s going back to school next week, and Jack’s mum teaches at the college, so she’s not going to be here during the day either. It’s going to just be me and Jack home alone (although I will tell you I’ve just broken into an involuntary smile at that thought, but I don’t know why).

I’ve just finished speaking to Damien, I think he’s figured out what time of day I’m most likely to be away from Jack and so most likely to answer my phone. Michelle’s really enjoying planning this wedding by the sound of it, and Damien’s absolutely hating it. Michelle wants to get married on Valentine’s day. She’d have it sooner, but she wants to be able to lose the weight she’ll have gained from having this baby. It almost makes me want to feel sorry for Damien, although I know he’s getting everything he deserves now.

Gabriel, that’s not a moral code. Moral codes have morals in them! Even Damien has more morals than that! I honestly can’t believe some of the things you come out with sometimes.

If we were going by human standards, you’re not nice at all. People have been put in jail for considerably less than what you’re doing to me. The more I tell you to stop watching me in the shower, the more fun you think it is. You’re the whole reason I never have a bath instead any more and don’t bother with conditioner like I used to either.

That doesn’t make sense to me. How did the angel of war manage to turn into a nice guy while the angel of trout is a right…I don’t have a word to describe him that isn’t a swear word.

500,000?!?!?!? I was expecting you to say a few hundred at the most. That really is getting uncomfortable now. Sometimes I probably wouldn’t mind, but there are other times I just want some privacy. Do you people have nothing better to do? Isn’t watching me and Jack kiss all day getting boring by now? I guess I can at least count on the fact that you were watching me when we went to the beach on Monday.

If you were that great, you’d know when to stop.

-Poppy

2008-08-27T18:05:00.002+01:00

To: Poppy
Re: Excuses

An excuse like that is fine for a child, but not for one who is supposed to be an adult. At this point, you should look to be making your own life story. That's not to say that most humans do, but it would be a decent use of your life. Responsibility is something that humans take too much of for their own good, especially so since it's entirely up to you how much (or how little) you take.

Most people would like to believe they'd push the 'world peace' button too, but those who would do so are few in your society. Most, like you, would not be sure, even when confronted with the decision directly. Some would choose to be happy without hesitation, but fortunately for your society there are not 'too' many who would. If there was, humanity would have long since been destroyed. As it is, it's only heading that way.

The keys to solving your worlds problems lie in reason and love. All it takes for wars to end is an agreement to stop killing each other. Eventually, your people will have to realise they are one species, and restructure government accordingly. Mild attempts have been made to do this, and despite its reputation the United States is one such country that has unified fairly well. The European Union is a rather less successful attempt (currently) to do the same, and the UN is a rather small attempt for further unity. If people care about their race, and can use logic to solve their problems, your world might be much improved.

Of course, an organisation such as the lottery can do what it likes (within reason) with the money it earns. If the people don't like it, they really ought to stop buying the tickets! Again, this problem comes under the 'people don't care enough' category, and so while people like to complain about it that doesn't stop enough of them buying the tickets to ensure millions upon millions of pounds of profit. Of course, the Olympics is another good example of people's foolish priorities.

When it comes to money and profit, it would be interesting if there was a law stating that anyone selling any product had to put the profit margin on the price ticket as well as the cost.

There will always be extremists in any group, not just religion. Of course, religion makes it easy for people because a lot of the holy texts can be interpreted almost any way one cares to. Again, the solution lies in the education of the next generation, for the current one is already too far gone. If humanity put its efforts into raising children who care about the planet more than getting rich, then your world might survive. It'd be nice if you stopped using things like fossil fuels now that you have access to better alternatives such as nuclear energy too, might stop some of the pollution.

When people fall in love this is usually how they feel, but it is an illusion. It is an easy experience (not to mention a pleasant one assuming the partner feels the same) to fall into, but the conditions humans apply to love make it something else. It becomes more like a contract than anything. Still, people like to imaging I bless such events and so they get married in churches.

As for Damien, he can't see beyond the moment. If he could, he might realise that marrying someone under threat of castration probably isn't the best way to live his life. Running away as fast as he can might lead to a better experience for him, and will certainly be better than the one waiting for him when Michelle discovers he's still cheating on her.

-----Original Message-----
From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]
Sent: 19 August 2008 20:02
To: God
Subject: FW: 'Great' Britain

Well, that's the right and proper thing to do under your moral code, or humanities or whatever. However, my moral code says I really ought to do exactly as I like and everyone else can send their complaints to the nearest brick wall of their convenience.

When people live their lives like that you get to know the reality of people, rather than the mask. Course, I'm quite nice really by human standards, which is not saying much I know but it's all you have to compare it with...

Gavreel? He's the angel of war, he likes to get different species at each other's throats. Tends not to bother with people of the same species anymore, apparently the explosions aren't big enough. Nice guy though.

Well, at any given time there's not that many people watching, but over a time period, say a day, maybe 500,000 or so. Depends on what's happening at the time.

It is different for angels though, we're bound by our experiences. Humans have the choice as to what to do with their lives, and most of them still choose to screw each other over. Gavreel has to be involved in war, he can't change that. In fact, just being around him makes most people get really angry for no apparent reason, he's really no good on the negotiating table. Just like people feel depressed around Camael, or insanely lustful around me. That might just be because I'm so great though.

Still, we do have choices. Raphael doesn't have to be a complete git to be obsessed with trout, he just is. I on the other hand, do have to watch you in the shower, because it's the perverse thing to do, especially when you're asking me not to.

As for screwing them, I do think that's better than just trying to make money or become more powerful. It's also more fun!

Love, light and medical experiments,
Gabriel

Signature - There'll be time for explanations later. And hopefully, some sex!

2008-08-19T19:59:00.004+01:00

To: God
Re: 'Great' Britain

I used to trust that the Bible was going to help me through life, since I’m not known for making good decisions. The Bible practically raised me, since I didn’t have any parents to do it, and even when Mum was there, the Bible was a big part of my life. After Mum died, Dad was never going to make any decisions for me (I remember when the school called Dad in after Mum died when I was failing at school, and they said they wanted to hold me back a year. I don’t think he could have cared less about what they wanted to do with me). Once Mum died, I had so much responsibility thrust onto me, responsibility I wasn’t ready for, and I still can’t handle most of it now. I was thrown in at the deep end, and I still haven’t managed to make my way to the surface yet. I know, it’s probably a terrible excuse, but I never really learnt how to be responsible and make my own decisions.

The problem is, everyone is so selfish, very few of the goals people have can be integrated into society, because society is capitalistic and repressive, and because their goals are greedy and selfish. Very few people see past society to figure out what they really want, and even then, their goals are impossible. I look at myself. I don’t know what I really want out of life, I just know I want to be happy. If I was put in a room with two buttons, one that would make me happy and another one that would make there be world peace, and I could only press one, I honestly don’t know which button I’d press. There’s one side of me that would say world peace hands down, but then there’s another part of me, probably the more dominant part, that would want to press the button that would make me happy. I like to think I’d press the world peace button, but I don’t have that faith in myself. After my life so far, I think I’d press the happiness button. I’m a minority there too – I expect most people would press the happiness button straight away without a thought about the world peace button. That’s just the way humanity is. Although people do have humanity’s interests at heart, they’re nothing compared to their own interests.

Wouldn’t surprise me if they did make pigs that could fly one day, and they’d probably spend millions doing it too, despite the fact there are so many good causes out there that could really use the money, but no, pigs that fly would be so much more important. Me and Jack were watching the news last night, and they were talking about the Olympics and saying how much lottery money has gone into it and how it’s helped us win more medals. Yeah, medals are great, but this is money that could have gone to good causes! Money that was supposed to go to good causes. They were saying how so many years ago, they spent 6 million pounds of lottery money on the Olympics, and they came back with hardly any medals. This year, they spent 22 million and look how many medals they’ve won! In 2012, they plan on spending 600 million (yes, this is on top of the billions they’ve spent in taxpayer’s money building the Olympic village). Yeah, great, we’re winning medals, but do they have any idea how much difference 600 million could make to so many people’s lives? It makes me feel sick. The Lottery has a pretty twisted idea of what constitutes a good cause (there was an article in the paper a while ago about how Lottery money has gone to help people in prison learn to play the xylophone and do painting or something), but they do find some genuine causes too.

The Olympics get on my nerves too, and how all of a sudden they’re the best thing since sliced bread because we’re winning this year (thanks to 22 million pounds that could have been spent on much better things than teaching youngsters to jump over a bar and to run faster). Yesterday’s Daily Mail actually made me laugh. On the front page, written in the biggest font size I’ve ever seen in a newspaper, the words ‘Great to be British!’ because we won 8 gold medals over the weekend. Then you open the paper, and wonder if it really is great to be British based on the headlines. Page 2 talks about how witness intimidation is on the rise, page 4 is about how life saving drugs are being made too expensive by fat cat bosses and how some politician faces the sack for suggesting that obscenely rich people should pay more tax, then there’s four whole pages about the Olympics, with Paula Radcliffe in floods of tears because she didn’t win, after that on page 10, a bitch fight between unions and companies about maternity leave, page 11 has councils skimping on rubbish collections. Further on in, there’s all sorts of things – CCTV spying on kids in their classrooms, knife crime claims two more people, more credit crunch, companies ripping off customers by charging the same price for smaller products, Terry Pratchett speaking out because the government is so tight they won’t pay £2.50 a day to save people with Alzheimer’s from not being able to live their lives, oh look, more credit crunch, the government ripping off motorists on two pages in a row in two separate articles, baby saved by caesarean after mother was battered by a gang, people eating too much junk, and I’m still only half way through the newspaper. Is it still great to be British? Or is this some new definition of ‘great’ that I wasn’t aware of?

Oh look at me, I’m so easy to wind up. I’m probably making up for all the other people who don’t care.

I wish people of different religions could be more accepting of each other, rather than trying to convert each other and starting wars on each other. The thing I find most sad about it all is how these terrorists are making regular Muslims look really bad. A minority is spoiling it for the majority. I did pretty good in GCSE RS, since I only had to pay attention to the Islam parts because I knew all the Christianity parts already, and I know that nowhere in the Koran does it say that it’s alright to kill. The problem is that extremists have twisted their religion to their own purposes and now they believe that not only is it okay to kill, Allah has commanded them to murder everyone in the west and they’ll go to Paradise if they do so. I also know that Muslim women don’t have to wear the burkha and cover everything - normal clothes are fine as long as they’re not too tight and they wear a headscarf with it, but Muslim women still wear the burkha and then complain when they are alienated and not accepted by society. You can’t integrate if you never show anyone your face. Even I have trouble thinking about Muslim women as actual people when they dress like that, and I think I’m a lot more accepting than the majority of people. Then all the Muslims complain about how society sees them, uses it as an excuse to bomb more people, then people are even more alienated from them because all of their friends have been killed by members of what should have been a relatively peaceful religion, and the cycle goes on.

People are so different, we’ll never have one mind and one purpose. Everyone is so selfish, everyone aims for that, and since everyone else has different things that make them happy (although they usually involve money in some capacity), it all goes wrong. I totally agree with what you said about pollution. I’m sure a lot of people would stop polluting if companies and the government didn’t make it so difficult and impossible in some cases. They have electric cars that don’t pollute at all, but the oil companies don’t want to release them. Public transport cuts pollution quite a bit, but buses are few and far between, they’re always cutting the number of services there are while charging more for tickets (probably because the government aren’t doing much to help the price of fuel), and the situation with trains isn’t much better because most people have to get a bus to the train station. It’s not in the government’s interests to really do anything in this situation, because it all costs money, while a clean, healthy environment isn’t going to bring them in any money. Okay, so people might get diseases due to pollution, but the cost of treating those people isn’t even close to the amount of money it would cost to clean up the environment.

I’ve never met anyone else even remotely like Jack. If there is someone out there, they’re certainly well hidden. It just feels wrong right now to be thinking of someone else, since I can’t see how anyone can replace Jack. Jack is just perfect. I couldn’t love him any more than I do. I can’t imagine being able to feel that way about anyone else after Jack is gone.

I’d notice if Dad left. I dream of the day. I probably wouldn’t notice as much now since I’ve been sleeping at Jack’s house, since it’s at night I really notice his presence (he’s been bringing home the same woman every night for three weeks now, screwing the hell out of her every night. I hear them sometimes and just want to shout ‘Shut up! Don’t you have work tomorrow?’. That’s why it’s Jack’s house every night now. It’s a shame, because there’s a double bed in the spare room which would be perfect, but I don’t want to bring Jack here while Dad’s home). I made sure there was enough food in the house to last Dad the week and took the rest of the money I would have spent on my own food to London with me. If I hadn’t done that, I’m sure he’d notice me not there, or at least he’d notice that there was no food in the cupboards. I don’t think he did notice me gone, because I noticed the dishwasher hadn’t been used at all since I’d gone, since I’m normally the one to turn it on. He normally just piles up his dishes inside and waits for me to decide it’s full enough to turn it on. He knows very well how to use it, but leaves it to me. If he had noticed me not there, he would have turned it on.

I heard from Damien yesterday. He was on MSN and I kind of had a go at him because he was really trying my patience, but he’s going to marry Michelle, and Kirsty still doesn’t know anything about Michelle. Seriously, that guy has no morals at all. Kirsty’s the one I feel sorry for in all of this. She has no idea. I was like that for a long time, probably longer than I’d like to think. I can’t understand Michelle. I don’t know how she can find out about Damien cheating and think marrying him is the answer. Does she think that’s going to keep him any more faithful? I can’t see their marriage lasting long. Damien told me he hates Michelle. Not the best foundation for a marriage. I told him marriage is supposed to be for life, but he’s too much of a coward to stand up to Michelle. Apparently, all Michelle talks about now is the wedding and she’d cut his nuts off at the very least if he even suggested that the wedding was off. I told him that was something I’d pay good money to see. It descended into bickering after that point, but I look back and read that conversation now, and I realise I was totally to blame for that. He actually wanted to talk to me, and all I did was have a go at him. I feel like I should apologise, but I don’t want to let him know I feel bad about it because he’ll keep coming back if I do.

No Gabriel, the right and proper thing to do would be to stop. If you leave me with anyone else, even if it’s not Camael, I’ll have to ask them to hit you because I know you well enough by now to know that you wouldn’t stop, even if you weren’t specifically saying you were doing anything. For your sake, don’t leave me with Raphael.

Don’t leave me with Gavreel. I can’t remember what he’s the angel of, but I remember Camael telling me about him once to demonstrate that there were worse angels than Raphael (and I find it hard to imagine how anyone can be worse than Raphael). I’m really trying to be happy at the moment, and I’m really sensitive when surrounded by negativity. I don’t need it to be made any harder than it already is.

Getting pretty close? Just how many people are watching me? It’s starting to get uncomfortable now.

One tenth would be considered nice – that means 90% of you are horrible. You can say that about humans, but it’s not much different to you. All humans seem to be worried about is getting what they want and don’t worry about anyone else, and it’s the same with you. I still get angry just thinking about Raphael, and you still won’t stop watching me no matter what I say. You say all the human race concentrates on is their chance to screw everyone over, but all you worry about is your chance to just screw with them, as opposed to screwing over.

I did miss you while you were gone though. In a strange way, you cheer me up.

-Poppy

2008-08-19T11:33:00.002+01:00

To: Poppy
Re: Life's Paths

Quite simply you could be, or at least pretend to be, a Christian again. You'd be lying to yourself, but then millions of humans across the world do that in religion every day, and most of the rest do it through some means or another. A lot of humans tend to think that if they just have someone or something to tell them exactly how to live their lives they'll be ok, and God forbid (usually literally) that they should make their own decisions on such things. There's a reason that Christian followers are known as 'the flock'. Of course, this behaviour comes courtesy of human parents, who forever try to decide things for their children. Such feelings persist into adulthood, and people feel safer when the responsibility is taken from them. At the other end of the spectrum are those that are taught the only way forward is to do it themselves, and they become the Politicians, Arch Bishop's and gang leaders of society. Few on your planet have the ability to choose their own life's goals, then to be able to integrate that with society as it is. That is what could solve the problems on your world, not turning people into religious sheep or dictators speaking the 'word of God'.

You can almost guarantee that somewhere along the way someone will genetically modify pigs to be able to fly, most likely when it becomes easier and cheaper to modify the genetic code and some scientist has a point to prove. The point is it can happen under proper control, or it can happen by the hand of someone who doesn't have the human races best interests at heart. For it to be the first choice, major changes will have to take place in the attitudes of the people in general.

At the moment government has set up the illusion of democracy, though not on purpose. Most individual people (even politicians) do believe in democracy, although they see its flaws. Many will try to make it work for them by finding loopholes, but very few see it as a means to maintain an iron grip on the people in general. With groups however, it's a different matter. Groups can support actions that most individuals would consider abhorrent. For example, Hitler could not have risen to power to do the things he did without the support of the public. Nor could Tony Blair, for that matter. The people support those they feel will make their lives better, and politicians know it. Make taxes go down, or earnings go up and the people will love them for it, even if they're sponsoring technically illegal wars to fund it.

The people with power to change things are the people, but to do it they must be of one mind and purpose. Of course, people disagree, based on what's good for them, what religion they serve and even to the point of what colour their skin is. Religions don't make peace, this has been proven over the centuries, and is being proven now by some in the Muslim community (amongst others). Politics don't make peace, this has also been proven, and continues to do so. In the end, people make peace, by agreeing not to kill each other. That, is really all it takes.

Of course, the government not being totally out of touch is aware that taxing things is not a vote winner, and yet they do it anyway. So one can make the assumption that they are not doing it in an attempt to make people like them. The truth of the matter is there is such a lack of efficiency in all of the services the government provides (look at your NHS for example) that they are getting desperate for new income. They make cutbacks in an attempt to delay what is getting inevitable, but has the opposite effect. At the moment, there's very little concern about actual important things like the fact they're polluting the planet enough to ensure humanities end. Humans seem to think it's ok if they're dead in 50 years, because they'll be rich!

Still, there are plenty of people who complain, believing they're the only ones to see the problems in the world. Doesn't really seem to accomplish anything but oh well...

Whether you have another boyfriend after Jack is up to you, but there are others, there are always others. Most people are not so unique as to have only a few others out of billions of humans that are compatible with them.

You are not Camael, there are always positive outcomes. You just have to work with your soul and choose some of them. You've already done so in fact, you obviously had a good time in London with Jack, except for the play reminding you of your mum. It's nice to see you and Jack have another thing in common, your taste in music. It's also nice to know you'll have plenty of photo's to remember the events.

It's a pity about your Dad not saying anything, but one feels compelled to ask whether you would say anything were your Dad to disappear for a week.

-----Original Message-----

From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]
Sent: 14 August 2008 20:49
To: God
Subject: FW: Journeys and Destinations

Well, in light of that I think the only right and proper thing for me to do would be to not tell you what I'm going to do. Still, I'm thinking it's probably best if I don't leave you with her if I can help it... Maybe Gavreel or someone instead. Still, we'll see what happens.

Course, humans always think they've got it so bad. They are pretty much like in the soaps, or at least they feel like it a lot. It's a stupid reaction, you should all just accept life as it is or if you can't, make it into what you want. You've got to move fast through life, so fast that you're practically there already, and when you get there it's time to move on.

Hey, about you not attracting millions of viewers, you're getting pretty close!

Hmm, nice angels... Well like you say there's Michael, but about one tenth of us would be considered nice by most humans. Just one of those things, humans have different priorities to us. They seem to think they're only alive to wait for their chance to screw each other over to get what they want.

Love, light and medical experiments,
Gabriel

Signature - There'll be time for explanations later. And hopefully, some sex!

2008-08-14T20:44:00.002+01:00

To: God
Re: Journeys and Destinations

Well, if there’s no specific point to being human and you say I should find my own, why shouldn’t I just forget everything that’s gone on these past few months (I really wish I could sometimes) and be a Christian again? It gave my life meaning, and it was working for me until you came along. In fact, it was the only thing that got me through a lot of very difficult times. It might not be a point that I came up with myself, but it was a point that was working, and my soul always seems to thwart any other points that end up creeping into my life.

There are a lot of things like that that aren’t technically impossible, but they’re so highly unlikely I don’t even think there’s a word for it. They could genetically modify pigs to have wings so they could fly too, you know.

The government are a lot smarter than people give them credit for though. They’ve set up this country perfectly to ensure that nobody is able to oust them from power. There’s never going to be a revolution because nobody has the time or money to be able to revolt long enough to make a difference. While people are trying to change the world, they still need to eat, bills still need to be paid and the world goes on. The political system is also set up so only people who are on the government’s side are allowed in, so there’s never going to be any real change. It’s not about your views or anything like that, it’s about having friends in high places, and it’s unlikely that any of those people in high places are going to have friends below them with the right kind of radical views.

The only people with the power to chance anything are mostly rich people who: A – are out of touch with the real world do see no need for change, and B – don’t want to change the system anyway because the system benefits them.

You can say what you like about religion, but if people still lived on religious principles like ‘love thy neighbour’ and ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’, then the world wouldn’t be the greedy free-for-all it is.

I don’t even think this planet is going to last long enough for the people who actually care about it enough to give up and leave for another planet. People pollute so much. We’re all going to be underwater from the melting ice caps soon, but nobody really cares, or at least they won’t until they find their homes flooded, and even then they’ll just move somewhere else. The government tax the hell out of cars and petrol and other polluting things and claim it’s to reduce pollution, but it doesn’t work. This government thinks the solution to every problem is to tax it. I wish they’d learn it doesn’t work. It just annoys everyone and makes everyone but the government worse off. It wouldn’t be so bad if they were going to channel the money into environmental charities or planting trees or even a non-environmental good cause, but I can’t see where it’s going other than their pockets.

That’s what this horrible planet is like. Everyone just trying to one-up each other. I mean, seriously, look at the news recently. Everything that’s going on with Georgia and Russia and all anyone’s worried about is how we messed up in the diving in the Olympics. Oh boo hoo, get over it. Still, it’s all the same principle, I suppose. One country being able to say they’re better than another, because everyone just getting along would be too easy. So, some countries are apparently better at diving than us. Big deal. It won’t make any difference, at least, not until half the country is underwater. It doesn’t matter that they have better health services and lower fuel prices too. Can we start a contest on that?

Oh, and while I’m ranting (because I’m getting into this now) and on the topic of fuel prices and pollution, companies like Shell and Esso and BP suck. They have things like electric and water powered cars and all sorts of other types of fuel that pollute less or not at all. Why do they not stop selling oil based fuel? Sure, it pollutes, but there’s too much money to be made from it. They want to milk the oil business for everything that it’s worth before they move onto other less damaging but less profitable avenues. They want to make billions rather than millions. They don’t do anything with the money either, it just sits in a bank account somewhere.

I’ve been thinking about my feelings recently, while Jack was in hospital. I’ve wasted too much time being upset and hating the world while Jack’s been here. Having Jack not there for that week was horrible and made me realise how much I really need to appreciate the time I do have with him. I’ve got the rest of my life to hate the world and be sad and upset and angry at everything, but I’ve only got, at best, 5 months left with Jack. I need to make the most of the time I’ve got, and worry about the bit afterwards when the time comes. I’ve got the chance to be happy now, however brief it might be, and I need to make the most of it while I still can. It’s probably bad for my mental health to bottle up my feelings like that, but I’m sure with the things that have happened to me throughout my life, I’m messed up enough as it is. Not sure how much worse I can really get, so might as well.

I haven’t heard from Damien since then. I wonder what he’s said to Michelle. I normally hate it when he keeps phoning and texting me, but I’m curious to know, but I don’t want to phone him or I’ll end up giving him the impression that I care about him.

It’s easy for me to push Damien away now, since he’s been replaced with someone much better in every way than him. Being with Jack has made me wonder what I ever saw in Damien. There were so many things I used to (and still do) hate about Damien, but there’s nothing like that with Jack. I love everything about him. All his little quirks and mannerisms, I love them all. The way I can tell when he’s thinking about kissing me because he’s got that smile he does just before he does it, or the way he strokes my thumb with his when we’re holding hands. So many little things like that that make me smile when I think about them. Jack’s going to be an impossible act to follow. I really can’t see myself having another boyfriend after Jack. Nobody else is even near to being as perfect as he is.

This bandage on my arm is really starting to annoy me now. I want it off. I keep knocking my arm on things too and it really hurts. Jack finds it funny that we’re both going to be going into hospital together in two weeks when I have my bandage taken off and he goes in for chemo again.

Well yeah, but that only works where there actually are positive outcomes.

I’m totally worn out, but in a good way. Okay, let’s do this in order…

Jack got home about twelve o’clock last Thursday and came right to my house. He was more excited than I’d ever seen him before. He wanted to know if I’d packed my things ready to go, which I had, although it had been difficult since he had refused to tell me where we were going, so I didn’t really know what to pack or how much to pack, since he hadn’t told me how long we were going for either. We went back to his house for a bit so he could pack his things too and say hello to his mum and Emily before we left. We all had lunch together then Jack decided it was time to go. Emily didn’t want Jack to go away and leave her again. I’d learnt that week that Emily needs someone to play with a lot, and I’d been on the receiving end of that, not that I really minded. It gave me something to do that week. It was like reliving the glory days in some way, getting back the childhood which in large part I never had, although I’m surprised I have any hair left by now. She spent half the week braiding, plaiting, styling and just about everything else you can do with hair to me. She wants to be a hairdresser when she’s older. She’s nine years old and already knows what she wants in life. I’m eighteen and still don’t know.

Anyway, me and Jack eventually got out of the house and into the car, where we sat and kissed for quite a while, during which I noticed out of the corner of my eye that on his way home from hospital he’d completely filled his car with petrol, so that meant we were going a fair way. We finally stopped kissing and went on our way, because I think at least I was going to suffocate if we didn’t stop because I can’t breathe at all when I kiss Jack and my heart beats like it’s just run a marathon.

So, we got going and it wasn’t too long before we were on the motorway driving along. We stopped a few times at the services on the way there, me still not knowing where we were going. I’m sure one of my treasured memories of Jack will be when we stopped at one of the services and they had a play park and Jack thought it would be a really good idea if we went on the see-saw. We were both totally too old and too big, and Jack ended up falling off backwards, bringing me crashing down to the ground and I fell off too, and we had the giggles for about 20 minutes after that. Everyone was looking at us which made it even funnier. We got the giggles in the car later too and Jack had to pull over so he could stop giggling and drive properly. We weren’t even giggling about anything in particular in the end, we were just giggling at us giggling. It was so funny.

Four hours after we left home, we were in London. It was amazing. We did so much. We stayed in a really nice hotel, in the same room in the same bed. Jack wasn’t sure if I’d be comfortable sleeping with him properly, since up until now it’s always been half accidental (even if it has been pretty much every night), although I honestly don’t know how he could have thought I’d be uncomfortable sleeping with him at this point, given that we’ve done so pretty much every night at home. It’s not really a big step to do it on purpose and in pyjamas now. I insisted on sharing the same room with him, and with a double bed, not two singles. He didn’t seem too upset when I suggested that either. I wish he’d realise that I’m so unbelievably close to him that I’d do just about anything to stay close to him. I don’t think I’d be able to bear sleeping in a different bed to him when I know he’s right there.

It was great that night, sleeping in bed properly together, all cosy and warm under the bedsheets and talking and snuggling. Normally when we sleep together, it’s because one of us has fallen asleep on the other one’s bed, so it was nice to be all warm and comfortable and talking about different things. I honestly don’t know how we manage to find so much to talk about. If he didn’t stop to kiss me every so often, I’d probably end up losing my voice.

The next day was great. We went around and did loads of tourist stuff. We went and saw Big Ben and Buckingham Palace, and Windsor Castle with the changing of the guard and all that stuff. Westminster Abbey was such a beautiful building. I loved it. We went to see the houses of parliament too and there were a load of people protesting there. According to the locals, there are always people protesting there about something or other (and see how much difference it makes?). One woman chained herself to the gates, and it was quite interesting watching the police trying to remove her.

Saturday was good as well. We went on the London Eye, and you could see so far into the distance from the top, it was incredible. After that we went to Piccadilly Circus and then to Hamley’s to find a present for Emily. I wish I was a kid, because it was huge! The amount of different toys they had in there was just unbelievable. I found it hard enough trying to help Jack find something for Emily, I can’t imagine what it would have been like if I was a kid trying to pick one toy for myself. In the end, we got her one of those doll heads with the hair on them so next time Emily doesn’t have anyone to play with, at least my hair will get spared. I remember I used to have one of those doll heads when I was little. I think I got it for Christmas when I was eight. I cut all the hair off of it not long after Mum died. I ended up breaking a lot of my toys after Mum died, since I didn’t want to play with them any more. I had nothing to take out my anger on apart from my toys, so they nearly all got broken and ruined, and of course Dad never got me any more toys after that.

We went in Harrods too, and bought some little things just to say that we’d bought something in Harrods. It was so expensive and extravagant in there, I felt so totally out of place.

We went to Legoland on Sunday which was really good fun, even though it was insanely busy. Jack managed to get me on so many rides there that there would normally be no way I’d go on, but we had so much fun. They had a stunt show there with insane people doing things like throwing themselves off a lighthouse head first into the water below with a really childish but utterly gripping story behind it. I thought it looked terrifying to do, but Jack thought it would be the most awesome job in the world. Yeah, if you have a death wish…

On Monday we went to Madame Tussaud’s and then to The Dungeons where I unfortunately had plenty of opportunities to show off what a total scaredy cat I am (even more than on the rides at Legoland). I held onto Jack’s hand so hard all the way around there. I was quite glad to leave there by the end. Jack seemed to enjoy it though, which is what matters more.

Tuesday was my absolute favourite day by far. We went shopping in the morning in Covent Gardens where Jack ended up buying me the most beautiful necklace in the world. It’s so beautiful. It’s got a little ruby in the shape of a teardrop with 5 diamonds around it on a silver chain. I hate to think how much it cost, and Jack won’t tell me. I haven’t taken it off since. I told Jack how beautiful it was and he told me it’s no more beautiful than I am. He’s so romantic. He’s not afraid to tell me how much he loves me. Damien would never do anything like that in front of other people, let alone in a public place. It was all I could do to get Damien to put his arm around me sometimes if someone else was in the room. Jack will stop to kiss me in even the most crowded place. I love him so much.

We went to the west end after that and saw the matinee of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat which was absolutely fantastic, then that night we went to see The Phantom of the Opera, which was such a beautiful play. I’ve wanted to see the film ever since it came out, but I still haven’t been able to get enough money out of Dad to buy the DVD. It made me cry twice. There was so much I could really understand and appreciate in it. That part where Christine visits her father’s grave and sings that song had me in floods of tears. Every line in that song reminded me of Mum. That last bit too, it really sent me over the edge: “Too many years
fighting back tears, why can't the past just die? Wishing you were somehow here again, knowing we must say goodbye, try to forgive, teach me to live, give me the strength to try…”. That song could have been written for me, it fit so perfectly. Then at the end, when the Phantom was left all alone and the one person he loved and loved him left, I cried again. I couldn’t bear it. It was so strong. I’ve been watching clips of the film on Youtube since I got home, and it made me cry all over again. I need to get it on DVD. It might make me cry every time, but it’s such a beautiful (even if it is upsetting) story.

We meant to come home yesterday but we ended up going on a boat ride on the Thames, and by the time we were done with that it would have meant driving home in the dark, so we ended up staying another night and going to the Natural History Museum while we were there.

We spent today driving home again, which was good fun too. We only stopped at the services once this time. I brought my iPod with me and Jack plugged it into his CD player so that he could hear how bad my taste in music is. He actually really enjoyed listening to my music though. Damien was always trying to put his music on my iPod because he said my tastes in music were awful, not that I ever asked him to listen to it. Jack’s taken half of the songs on my iPod and put them on his own now too. We got home about three hours ago, and although we both had such a good time, I don’t think I could take much more excitement. I’m happy to be home again. I think I need a few days to recover from it all.

We’re going to go into town tomorrow to get all the photos we took developed. Jack bought a camera especially for it, and I really want to see the photos. We took loads. I hardly have any photos of Mum (Dad threw most of them out after she died, and I only managed to rescue a few), and when Jack’s gone I want to be able to look back at photos of him.

I also did a little experiment when I went. I didn’t tell Dad I was going. I was out of the house for seven days, and if he noticed I was gone, he hasn’t said anything. That’s comforting (being sarcastic, in case you can’t tell). I could be murdered in my own bedroom and he wouldn’t notice.

Gabriel, I asked Camael to hit you. If she takes it that far, it’s not my fault. If you start watching me again, I’ll ask her to do it again, and I won’t be held responsible for whatever she does. Maybe it’ll make you think twice next time. (Of course, your only way around it is to ensure you never leave me with Camael again so I can’t ask her, so I win either way).

My life sounds totally like some soap opera when you put it like that. My life is far too crazy to be real. My life’s not quite good enough for EastEnders though. It’s more depressing than entertaining. It would need to be more violent and sadistic to make it good enough for EastEnders. I never did like EastEnders, or any other soap opera for that matter. Now I think about it, they remind me of Camael. People complaining about their almost non-existent problems. I just want to say ‘You think you’ve got it bad? Get over it’. Recently though, I can appreciate these soap operas a bit more. They’re getting so extreme they’re unreal, so I can almost relate to it. The main difference between my life and soap operas though is that soaps are works of fiction, the product of mad, sadistic imaginations, whereas my bad luck is actually bad luck (although I do still wonder). That kind of stuff happens to me, and I don’t manage to attract millions of viewers.

If I’d known you were going to leave me with Camael for a month, I probably would never have suggested you visiting your kids. Especially if I had known that my world was going to collapse around me while you were gone. Camael made it even worse than it already was.

Are there any nice angels on this list? So far, everyone I’ve spoken to has either upset or really annoyed me, yourself included. I want it to be Michael’s turn. He makes me feel better.

-Poppy

2008-08-12T20:02:00.000+01:00

To: Poppy
Re: The Good, the Bad, and Life

There is no specific point for humans. You have to make your own, that's part of the experience of humanity. Creating your own meaning of life, and changing it as you wish. If you want to 'waste' your life, go for it. If that doesn't satisfy you, you'll have to find another purpose. It might be easier for you to have a predefined point to life and set of rules, but that's not the point of being human.

Well, I didn't say it would happen. That fact doesn't stop the best and brightest of your world from creating such ideas though. Still, it's not impossible, those in power have lost it before because of their corruption and it could certainly happen again. Of course, the rich and powerful guard their riches and power jealously. That doesn't mean that if the people care enough that change can't happen.

Government today has turned into the largest corrupt organisation on your planet. The people know this well, but nothing is done. No revolutions occur, because it would interfere too much with people's daily lives. Too many people don't care enough about the outcome, more focused on the journey. At the moment, it seems to be between Labour and the Conservatives, and everyone knows neither side is any good. This has been proven by both over the years. Still, there are no signs that people will mass vote some other party in, or refuse to vote at all.

Of course, certain things annoy certain people far more than others. This creates its own problems, since small groups of people can't accomplish as much as one huge group. With so many conflicting agendas, it's no wonder humanity can't solve its problems. If people's primary concern was the development and evolution of humanity that would solve a lot of it. Of course, it's not, and the Earth is suffering the consequences of a dominant species not caring about their own futures. Eventually the problem will be solved, one way or another.

If this continues for much longer, on the day that your news services announce the ability to travel to other star systems the brightest amongst you would do well to prepare to find another planet to live on.

Well, hating your soul is a vicious circle. If you hate yourself, you're not going to be happy. You have to change the feelings before you can change the physical experience, not the other way around. That's just the way it works unfortunately, if you hate yourself you're going to make life worse for yourself. Just logic really...

It is nice to see you're finally able to push Damien away from yourself, which shows Jacks been a good influence on you. His walls are collapsing around him, and it's probably best if you don't get hit by the rubble. Your story about getting burned is also a good example of how a situation that looks completely negative has a positive outcome. If you focus on that part of things, you won't be doing badly.

-----Original Message-----

From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]
Sent: 05 August 2008 11:27
To: God
Subject: FW: Pain, Politics and Pointlessness

Great, so watching someone in the shower is deserving of a painful execution according to you...

Well, I have to say your life at the moment is getting pretty crazy. You love Jack who's dying but Damien loves you but impregnates someone else and has a chav on the side. Mother died in a car accident and Father pays no attention to you. Sounds like a human soap opera. Your soul must have liked EastEnders in a previous life, which maybe explains its attitude now.

Oh no, you're the one who got me to go see the kids, it just so happened that Camael was on the list so I'm not taking the blame for that. Still, it should be a lesson to you in the future, namely:

Be grateful for what you got, because in the end, I'm amazing!

Love, light and medical experiments,
Gabriel

Signature - There'll be time for explanations later. And hopefully, some sex!

2008-08-05T23:23:00.000+01:00

To: God
Re: Pain, Politics and Pointlessness

What’s the point of me doing anything if nothing really matters? If it’s all pointless, then why shouldn’t I just sit in my room for the rest of my life and only leave to eat or go to the bathroom? I’ve lived that way before. Can’t say I really enjoyed it but if it doesn’t make any difference to anything, what’s the point? Nobody else cares if I were to waste my life, not even you. Damn, I miss my religion. I miss the good old days where things had a point to them.

Heh, that’s a nice system. Letting people get what they’re worth, rather than people doing hardly anything for huge amounts of money while the rest of the world work like mad for practically nothing. It’ll never happen though. The only people who have the power to implement it are the richest people, and they’re not going to put a system in place which jeopardises their standing at the top.

Politics is just a popularity contest really. It’s not so much about the manifestos of the parties or anything like that most of the time, it’s more about the leaders and their charisma. The next general election could be anyone’s guess though. I think people will just be happy to vote for anyone whose name isn’t Gordon Brown. All the promises they make prior to elections turn out to be lies anyway. They say things, but it all gets forgotten about when they get into power.

People not voting is just a sign of how bad this country is – there’s nobody worth voting for. I’d love to see the day when we have a general election and nobody voted at all. What would they do? I know I’m probably not going to be voting when the time comes. Nobody worth voting for. I’d rather vote for someone I actually wanted in power, rather than the lesser of several evils.

I can see your point about everyone voting, but it depends on what you mean by ‘country’, like the people, or the economy, or so many different other things. At the moment, everyone just seems to be up in arms about everything. I struggle to think of something political in the news recently that’s actually been a good thing. I know there are people who would abuse the system, but there would also be a lot of people who would take it seriously. I don’t know, maybe still have a government who decide on new things, but have the public vote on certain issues, or maybe have each issue voted on by a separate group of voters who know their stuff or those the given laws will actually affect. At the moment, the government just seem to be pushing through laws that’ll make them money and forget everything else. That’s why they never do anything about the NHS or things like that, because the NHS doesn’t make money. That’s all people are worried about! There’s more to life than that. Money doesn’t buy you happiness. I’ve lived a lot of my life without money or other people, and I know which one I’d rather have.

Yeah, that’s why I hate my sick, sadistic soul. It’s chosen to make me experience this life. You can say my soul is me and by saying that it means I hate myself, but in the end, my soul’s making all this happen, therefore, I hate it.

I was expecting to be really upset this week again with Jack not here, but I’ve just been bored out of my mind. I swear, when he comes back, he can take me wherever he likes. I still don’t really know where he’s planning on taking me when he comes back, but I have got a few steps closer. I tried to get it out of Emily who spent all day Saturday braiding my hair (now she’s finished school for the summer, she wanted someone to play with. She misses Jack so much, just like I do), but she doesn’t know, whereas I know Jack’s mum knows because she says Jack asked her permission, and made her promise not to tell me. It’s been driving me nuts all week.

It was a pretty uneventful week with Jack not here up until yesterday. I was making coffee for myself yesterday morning, picked up the kettle to pour it into the mug and my hand slipped and I got a nice and painful second degree burn out of it from about half way between my elbow and wrist on my left arm down to the middle of the back of my hand. It’s the most painful thing I’ve ever felt. I had to go to hospital (in the ambulance and all) and now my left arm is all bandaged up. It’s getting really hard to do things one handed. It’s all sticky and red and gross underneath the bandage and I just want to scratch it so badly but know I can’t, because the nurse said if I do I’ll either end up with really bad scarring or it’ll get infected, which I obviously don’t want. I had a big blister come up right along the underside of my arm, and it popped today, and it really hurts.

It was almost like fate had made me burn myself though, because it put me in the same hospital that Jack was in. I went and found him. He was so happy to see me, even though he said he didn’t want me to see him like that. I understand his point. It was horrible to see him so weak and helpless and not his usual happy self. I just sat there with him pretty much all day. We hardly said anything to each other all day, but I didn’t want to leave Jack and I think he was happier knowing I was there, even though he slept most of the time. Because he’s allergic to the anti-sickness drugs, they just give him drugs to make him sleep, so that he won’t feel it as much. He did manage to tell me I should probably start packing my suitcase when I got home though, so I know now we’re going somewhere and won’t be coming back for a while. It’s wound me up even more now because there are more possibilities for me to wonder about which I didn’t think were there before. I’d missed the last bus home by the time they kicked me out because visiting hours were over. It was pouring with rain outside, and I know I really should have called someone to pick me up, and I didn’t have enough money for a taxi, so it would have had to have been either Dad or Damien. In the end, I walked home the three miles in the pouring rain. One of the last things they said to me when they bandaged me was that I shouldn’t get it too wet. Well, that kind of went out the window. Whoops.

I might have caved in and phoned Damien if it hadn’t been for what he said to me on Friday. He phoned me and I actually answered it, because I was that bored I needed the entertainment. I actually managed to hold a decent conversation with him without the shouting or crying that generally seems to come whenever I talk with him. He wanted my advice. Michelle’s found out about his other girlfriend (called Kirsty, apparently) and after they had a long argument, Michelle says she’ll leave Damien if he doesn’t marry her. Damien told me “I don’t love Michelle, I love you”. I told him it was too late, I have another boyfriend now (him being half way to death in hospital is completely irrelevant as far as Damien’s concerned, so I didn’t bother telling him), and he shouldn’t marry someone he doesn’t love. He knows that, but he says he doesn’t want to leave her with his baby and he’s worried what Michelle will do if he says no. I told him it’s all his own fault – he’s made his bed, now he’s got to lie in it. He seemed really upset, but he’s brought this upon himself. I can’t believe he never expected it to happen.

Gabriel, you have no idea how much that’s made my day. I asked Camael to hit you but never thought she’d actually do it. I hope you know what that was for. Let’s just say we’re even now. You totally deserved that. Don’t take it out on Camael though, it’ll make me feel really bad.

Nice to hear you had a good time while you were gone, because I know I haven’t. Trust you to leave me with Camael during the by far most upsetting and depressing thing to happen to me in a long time.

-Poppy

2008-08-05T20:49:00.001+01:00

To: Poppy
Re: Playing the Game

Well that's exactly it. Nothing you do truly matters, at least universally speaking. So the only thing that matters is the importance you assign to what you do. Still, the universe is basically like a computer game. You work your way through it the best way you can, and afterwards, win or lose you get asked "Play again?". Of course, it's not the end that matters but the here and now, which is why you're there in the first place. This is also what happens to those who are said to be 'enlightened', if they truly are, death follows them quite quickly.

People on your planet often say the old ways are the best. Speaking in matters of commerce, they're dead wrong. Of course, sharing resources 'freely' doesn't work either, your history has proven that. You could make good use of your technology to create a system of job ratings. Rather than have an amount of currency, you could have a rating (say, between 0 and 100) for each job, maybe including one for those in education as well. A rating could be fixed or variable, depending on the job. For example, a fire-fighter might have a fixed rating, since each one does essentially the same job. However, a singer might have a variable one, which changes depending on how many people download their music, and how they rate it, how many times they play it etc. This would make all music free, while allowing the singer to improve their life by creating it, so long as it's good. So there would be far more emphasis on making quality music that people will like, rather than a couple of good songs and fillers for the rest. Of course, the same idea applies to virtually everything that people make. The system as a whole would have the added benefit of allowing complete control over exactly how well off (or not) someone could be. It could eliminate homelessness very quickly.

One problem is, as stated before, that too few people care enough. Another of course, is that despite the protests, not everyone agreed with them. A fair amount of people wanted to see Saddam Hussein removed from power, regardless of the WMD rumour. If the people cared enough about it, they'd force the government from power, but your present government has remained in power since 1997. One big problem people face of course, is who to replace them with? The fact that there is no political party which commands trust from the public has led to a mass of voter apathy, which could in itself cause problems. How could a party claim to be speaking the will of the people if they were only elected by say 10% of the populace?

In the ideal situation, everyone would vote on every issue. It would take a lot of setting up, but it could be done. Of course, most people are below the average intelligence threshold and generally out for themselves, so one feels compelled to ask whether this would actually work to the countries benefit? Already you have people voting on issues they are simply not qualified to vote on, the most obvious of which apply to those laws on scientific and medical issues.

I will not directly interfere on the choices of your souls. Yours has chosen to experience this, even if you do not know it consciously. This is why people who are more in touch with their souls tend to be happier, not because things are physically any different, but because they know it all works out in the end.

The truth is, it doesn't matter. As long as souls are having new experiences we are improving ourselves, we are experiencing ourselves. We lose ourselves in the experience so we can experience the intricacies of relationships (to each other and all things).

-----Original Message-----

From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]
Sent: 31 July 2008 12:19
To: God
Subject: FW: Illusion and Power

Well that was interesting...

I was just getting ready to come back in a perfectly dignified way (I mean ok I was naked but the culture I was with never came up with the idea of clothing) through the soul tunnel, when something unusual happened. Just as I opened the tunnel, a great big fist came out about 3 times as big as me and smacked me in the head. My head came off my body, flew almost a mile away and survived for nearly 5 minutes Earth time before dying. Remind me to punish Camael when I have some time.

Still, other than that everything went pretty well! I met (read slept with) a lot of people, and most of my children are doing pretty well. Well they are now, since I had to solve a few problems for them. Anyway, a few abductions/threats/rapes later and I think it's all good.

By the way, that saying, that less is more. Total rubbish. You 'always' have to want more for it ever to be enough!

Love, light and medical experiments,
Gabriel

Signature - There'll be time for explanations later. And hopefully, some sex!

2008-07-31T00:16:00.001+01:00

To: God
Re: Illusion and Power

I’m not going to try to get into some big philosophical debate over whether reality is an illusion because I know you’ll win, but it doesn’t really matter anyway. In the end, this is the world I live in, and the world I have to live in, and this world sucks. If I were to step back permanently, then I wouldn’t be living any more. There’d be no point to any of it if I really thought it was all an illusion and it didn’t matter. Like in a computer game, it doesn’t matter if you die because you can just reload it and have another go, doesn’t matter if you get hurt in a computer game, because it’s not real. If I was to spend my life thinking that nothing mattered, then it wouldn’t really be a real life. Maybe it is all an illusion, but you can’t live life based on that fact, or nobody would do anything. It has to matter. Nobody would do anything if it didn’t. Nobody does anything that doesn’t have some kind of point to it.

Obviously we’d all be better off without money, but what other systems are there? I can’t see us going back to what they used to do in the middle ages with trading goats and things, and humans are too selfish for communism or socialism to work properly – there have been plenty examples of that. It annoys me so much that people ruin things for themselves.

The government never listen. How many people will it take to protest about something before they listen? They estimated that worldwide 36 million people in over 3000 protests against the war in Iraq, and was that enough to stop them? No. That’s the equivalent of well over half of the population of the UK. It’s all about power. They have it and want more. Turns out there weren’t even any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq after all that too. No, they just couldn’t be friends with Iraq, so what’s the solution? Bomb them, of course, then put someone in power they can wrap around their little finger. It’ll probably end up going that way with Zimbabwe too, since they can’t get Mugabe under their control like they’ve got everyone else.

There are some instances when people don’t care enough, but there are others that have the public up in arms, and the government still go ahead anyway.

Politics is all wrong to me. If it was really democracy, why doesn’t EVERYONE vote on everything, rather than a bunch of overpaid people sat in the House of Lords who are completely out of touch with the real world? It’s not really democracy, it’s a dictatorship. The only difference is we get to choose who we’re being dictated by.

Well, you won’t take away the choice from Jack’s soul, but what about me? I don’t have the choice about Jack being taken away from me, and I’m a part of you too. Either way, the choice is being taken away from one of us.

Where do you draw the line between being involved and not? At what point do you just stand back and decide it doesn’t matter? I know why it’s all happening. Makes it that much worse, actually, that’s it’s not all just down to chance. The reason why it’s all happening makes me angry.

I don’t know what happened to the early night me and Jack were supposed to be having tonight. Jack’s going to hospital tomorrow for chemo again and I’m not going to see him for a whole week. I wonder if I should have been weaning myself off of him this past week or something, knowing all the while I’d never be able to stay away from him while he’s here for that to work. I came home two hours ago to let him pack his things for tomorrow, but he hasn’t done it yet because we’ve been on MSN all night. He knows he’s going to regret it when he’s tired tomorrow morning because he has to be at the hospital by half nine, but he won’t listen to me when I tell him to go to bed, not that I really want to stop talking to him. I’m not much better though really. If I went offline, he’d have to get on with packing his things, but I can’t. It would be a matter of minutes before one of us cracked and he phoned me or I phoned him. He’d better wake me up tomorrow morning before he goes. I know he hates waking me up, but I’ve told him I won’t forgive him if he doesn’t. I love him too much to lie in bed when it’s my last chance to see him for a week.

I know he’s up to something though, I just can’t figure out what. I know he could have packed his things while I was there, and he knows that too, but he sent me home anyway. He’s seemed really lost in thought today, like he’s planning something. It’s not like Jack to plan things. Normally, whatever we do is a spur of the moment thing. Must be something big for him to think about it like that. He couldn’t make it much more obvious he’s got something planned too, but still acts innocent. It’s so annoying! I don’t see how he can tell me not to plan anything for next weekend and when I ask why tell me ‘no reason’ and expect me not to suspect something. I know he’s doing it on purpose to wind me up, and it’s working! It’s going to kill me if I don’t find out before he goes tomorrow, else I’ll have a whole week of wondering.

Camael, I can’t possibly put any more effort into it than I am right now, and it’s not getting me that far. I think I’ve gotten through the tip of the emotional iceberg, but there’s still the huge bit underneath that isn’t going to melt in that ice-cold water. The only way you can get rid of it is to break it. Jack could break it, but soon Jack’s going to become one of those icebergs himself.

Well, there is that saying that less is more. I might have to settle for less because I know what it’s like to have more taken away from you.

Okay, I’m going to stop myself now. I always read back what I write to you afterwards and wonder where it all came from. I’m not actually that depressed. Not yet, anyway.

Right, I know it’s late, but I’m going to have a shower now so I don’t have to have one tomorrow morning. On that note, can you hit Gabriel when you see her and tell her it’s from me? As hard as you like.

-Poppy

2008-07-30T22:47:00.003+01:00

To: Poppy
Re: Truth and Reality

That is the problem of course, what 'you' want and what your soul wants is different. You say you sometimes manage to change the way you perceive things though, so there's hope for you yet. You say you then 'come back to reality', but the opposite is true. The world you live in is the illusion, which must be so for you to believe you're having a true experience. At some point though, that has to end. There comes a time when people are able to step back from the world and see it for what it truly is. The universe is a great mechanism to allow souls to experience relationship to others, but that is all it is. It is when people get 'lost' in the experience that you end up feeling the spectrum of emotions that humans do, so there are two options if those feelings are negative. One is to change the physical events if that's possible, and the other is to step back from the experience.

If the people around you are not helping you deal with things the only thing to do is find new people. Jack's one good example, but there are others. Keep looking, and you might find some.

Most people are stuck in the experience, and these are the people who have made your world what it is. A lot of these people are sadly stuck in the belief that money is paramount, when in reality the human race would do well to replace money with a better system. It's unlikely humans will be able to function without some system of value to their jobs and possessions, but there are better ones that what you have now.

The people are powerless because they have made themselves that way. Some because they are afraid, but most because they've stopped caring. There are more than enough people to force the government to change, but they do not. Therefore, in one way, the government in power could be said to exactly represent the will of the people.

It would make little to no difference to me if Jack lived, but it would make a difference to Jacks soul. The choice belongs to him. I will not take away choice from what is after all a part of me, any more than another part of me could take a choice away from me.

Well, at least you're getting some sleep when he's around, which isn't doing any harm. Still, you do have a choice to not just go with what seems right, your mind is perfectly capable of reasoning. That's just it. Human/animal hybrid embryos might seem wrong, but it could well lead to interesting developments that would help your race develop cures and such.

You're quite right to turn your back on a society that is destroying itself, albeit slowly. Somehow, as long as the repercussions are the 'next generations' problems few people really care. Still, there are those who care about the kind of world their children will grow up in. There has been a shift towards that way of thinking. At the rate it's going though, humanity will have long since destroyed itself before anything really comes of it. Society needs people who care if it's going to survive, and the people who care do not wish to belong to society. A good example is in politics, when someone resigns in protest. It's very nice and all that they did that, but in reality it just means there's one less good person in the government. A quick flash of publicity is all that really comes of it.

If you'd had a different soul, you wouldn't be you. Your soul is you, so it is not possible to have another one. You should relate to it as a soul, which is your consciousness. See it for what it is, and enjoy it without getting too involved, or at least, don't forget why it's happening.

-----Original Message-----

From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]
Sent: 24 July 2008 22:35
To: God
Subject: FW: Happiness and Heartbreak

Oh you can do it, I know you can. Humans always can. So can most other races too, very depressing... Of course I can't do it, but I won't meet anyone other than the angels that can't. That would give me something in common with them.

Still, being human gives you something else too. You won't be happy just not being sad, you'll always have to have more. Look at Microsoft. Always wanting more. Just humans all over...

Wow, if I could kill myself I'd have done it long ago. It's not right that I have to stay here feeling like I do. Things will only get worse with time... I've plenty of that left.

Still, there's some good news, the perverted one's on her way back. That means you won't have to talk to me...

Love and light are things that affect other people,
Camael

Signature - I'm not always this depressed... Except when I feel, think or do anything really...

2008-07-24T22:32:00.005+01:00

To: God
Re: Desires

I’m not experiencing what I desire though. I’m experiencing what my soul desires, and the difference between what my soul wants and what I want couldn’t be much more different if we tried. Everyone says it’s supposed to feel good when you do things that engage the soul. Not for me. My soul has very strange ideas about what makes it feel good.

Sometimes I do manage to change the way I perceive things. Sometimes, just for a little while, I manage to just stand back and accept the events of my life for what they are. Then I come back to reality, see the cumulative effect all those events have had and what they’ve turned my life into and I just want to cry. On their own, none of the things in my life are completely unbearable, but all together along with the little side pieces that make it all that much worse , it’s too much for me to be able to handle. I manage to forget most of it when I’m with Jack, but there’s still the problem with Jack that’s brought even further to the front of my mind when I’m with him. When I’m on my own (which is a pretty rare occurrence now) all of the different things are just about equal in awfulness, but when I’m with Jack, it’s just that one thing, which takes on the combined awfulness of all the other things that have gone for the moment.

I don’t act that way towards my dad out of choice – he’s forced me into it. I don’t like ignoring him, but if I didn’t he’d really get to me, and my life is bad enough as it is. I have to be able to talk to people to be able to deal with things, and you’d have thought someone who lives in my house would have been perfect for that, but history has taught me that he just doesn’t want to listen. I learnt to stop trying years ago. I tried so hard for so long and it didn’t get me anywhere. I’ve given up now. If he can’t make the effort for me, I’m not going to make the effort for him.

This world makes me sick. Of course they rip them off. Money is apparently everything in this world. Nobody does anything for free. I hate this world so much. I know money can’t buy you happiness, but it can help an awful lot of people. All these big corporations take advantage of those people because it’s so easy to do. All the supermarkets buy produce from third world countries and pay the farmers less than it cost them to grow it, but the farmers are so desperate they don’t have much choice.

There are worse places though. They’ve started printing notes in Zimbabwe now with a value of one hundred billion dollars, and it’s still only enough to buy two loaves of bread. Inflation is at two million percent, and people still complain about the ‘credit crunch’ in the UK. I dream of the day when money will all disappear and people will do things and help each other out of the kindness of their hearts. I know it’s never going to happen though.

Well, the government should see that people in general paying through charity isn’t getting very far, but they’re not concerned with helping people, just lining their pockets. Even if they couldn’t do anything directly themselves, they could still donate to charities to help other people on their behalf. I’m sure they should have enough extra money lying around from closing the post offices and all the university funding they’re not paying now students have to pay top up fees (and they wonder why they can’t get doctors or teachers any more – nobody can afford to pay the fees!). The government know better than anyone what the power of money is, but they still don’t do much. Even if all the charities did shut down though, it wouldn’t change anything. The government never listen, no matter how much people complain. Iraq, closing post offices… They give the impression they listen sometimes, but they don’t really. It’s just coincidence that the government share the same opinion as the general public on (very rare) occasion. If the public don’t like something, it doesn’t matter, because they’re going to go on ahead anyway, and there’s nothing the public can do to stop it.

You evolving can wait. Would it make that much difference to you if Jack lived?

My life isn’t that bad, but it’s not that good, with the obvious exception of Jack being there, which he’s not going to be for that long. Young and healthy…I kind of wish I wasn’t. It should have been me with cancer, not Jack. He has so much more to live for than I do. I have him and nothing else. The problem is, Jack does fill all of my desires. I don’t need anything else when I’m with Jack. It’s a good thing Jack remembers to eat because he reminds me – I don’t even I’m notice I’m hungry until Jack decides it’s lunch or dinner time. I don’t notice I’m tired either until all of a sudden it’s the next morning and I realise I fell asleep on Jack’s bed. It’s been well over a week now since I last wore pyjamas or been IN a bed rather than ON it, because I always just fall asleep, rather than decide it’s bedtime and close my eyes and try to sleep. I tell myself I’m just lying down for a bit and the next thing I know it’s 8 hours later.

I don’t have much choice but to go with what just seems right, because I don’t know where my opinions and beliefs come from any more because they’re not coming from my religion. It’s just instinct now, and human/animal hybrid embryos just seem wrong. Then again, I know I’d do anything to save Jack, and if things like that could help other people like Jack…

After Jack though, I don’t know if I want any more friends. I don’t want anything else to happen to anyone else that’ll make me feel like I do now again. I can’t take it. I won’t have anything more that good in my life, but it prevents any more bad things happening.

Neither of us have time to worry about what people think couples should do, not that either of us would if we did. There’s not really anyone else there to think things anyway. Emily doesn’t really understand it properly, and Jack’s mum is just happy that he has someone to spend time with. What does it matter what society thinks couples should do anyway? I’m happy, Jack’s happy, I love Jack and I know Jack loves me because he tells me every ten minutes, and that’s all that matters. Society can think what they like. Society has turned its back on me for so long, now I’m turning my back on society. They can think what they like.

It does make me wonder about relationships though, and reasons people get into them. When I was with Damien, I thought we both loved each other enough, we were going to get married one day and have children, and that’s what it was all about. I look at me and Jack now, and I couldn’t possibly love him more than I do, but I look to the future and there’s nothing there. Makes me want to cry, writing that, but it’s true. Me and Jack are never going to get married or have children or do anything like that. We’re not going to spend the rest of our lives together. Well, I’m not. Jack’s going to spend the rest of his with me, but me on the other hand… damn, here come the waterworks…

I don’t hate myself, but I hate my life and what my soul has turned it into. Would any of this have happened if I had had a different soul?

How else am I supposed to relate to it? It’s part of an obvious pattern.

Camael, I just don’t think I’m ever going to be able to change my feelings. It’s been nine years now, which has been more than long enough for me to accept that Mum’s dead and it’s not going to change, but I look at my life and what it’s become because of it…

My feelings never change that much. Just happy and sad, mostly sad in the past, but now it’s happy and sad at the same time, and it’s a horrible feeling. It breaks my heart.

I know how it feels to see other people having what you want. I see so many other people being happy for so many reasons, but my only source of happiness is my dying boyfriend.

I’m not letting myself make the same mistake again though. No more friends after Jack. I’ve changed my goal in life. I’m not going to try to be happy after Jack’s gone, I just don’t want to be sad. It’s a much easier goal to achieve, and not so far to fall if it does all go wrong. Mediocrity doesn’t crumble like happiness does.

Well, there’s hope for you yet. You just used the word ‘friendly’ in a sentence containing me and you. I’m sure that’s got to be some kind of cue for my soul to start conspiring to kill you.

I have thought about killing myself before, but I don’t think I’d ever be able to do it. Sometimes I stop myself as soon as the thought comes up, but other times I’ve sat there for hours thinking about it. Haven’t found anything quick and painless enough yet though. I’d never kill myself while Jack’s still here anyway, so I’ve still got time to think about it. Even if I did find a way to do it though, I don’t think I’d be able to get up the courage to be able to actually carry it through. No, it has to be a convenient accident, or at least something I don’t induce myself. There’s no way I’m sticking with my life for another 50-60 years waiting for me to die naturally if I’m going to spend it all feeling like this. Well, I’ve got a few months to think about it yet.

-Poppy

2008-07-24T07:06:00.002+01:00

To: Poppy
Re: Problems and Solutions

Though the resources are available to solve the problems mentioned, they are generally not available to those that need them, usually just because they cost money. In any case, their problems are physical ones, whereas yours are emotional. Still, the solution to any emotional problem lies not in changing the physical conditions, but your perception of them. You cannot bring back the dead. You cannot prevent people from dying. Still, you can recognise life's purpose, and that you are experiencing the situations you desire. The solution to your problem therefore is one of acceptance, rather than fighting to prevent what is now an almost inevitable outcome.

With regards to family, it might be pointed out you are acting towards your father much the same as he is to you. One difference though is that he is not dying as yet, and there is still time to resolve your problems. There's a saying regarding religion, "Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Give a man religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish". The point is you live in a universe defined by the laws of physics. Solving physical problems, such as not having enough to eat can only be accomplished by using those laws. These people need food, which means either they have to grow it or someone has to give it to them. I'm sure you can find some way in which you can profit from either, without completely ripping them off and having them live in poverty.

One could also make the argument that it is because charities like that exist that governments don't have to do anything. Why bother when people in general will pay the costs of such things? If suddenly, all those charities shut down, there might be enough public outcry to force the government into doing more. This applies to the US more than the UK though, since while the US spends more on AID than any other country (about $210,000,000,00 a year) as a percentage of its total income, it spends considerably less than any other country (about 0.16%). In comparison, the UK spends less (about $800,000,000,0), but that's 0.36% of its total income. Still, no country spends even 1%, which just shows how little people really care. This of course, is the key problem in society, the lack of caring. The government is a symptom of this, it is not the problem itself. The problem lies with the millions of people in the country who allow it to happen.

You do not have to meet someone identical to you in order to be friends with them. Differences can create bonds just as similarities do. Besides, your life is not all that bad as it is now. You are young and healthy, the only problem is how you perceive the world and the people around you. Jack is dying, as all of your species do. When he does, his soul will return to the source, or go on to new challenges. This is not something to be avoided, we need the experiences such as this to evolve ourselves.

As to where you're supposed to meet people, well, shopping? Randomly on the street? At the bus stop? People are everywhere. Finding them is never a problem. Most people feel much the way you do when they're in love, but try to remember that nobody's the ideal representation of perfection. There are always different people worth getting to know, and no one person can (or should) fill all of your desires.

A lot of very useful ideas are dismissed because people think them distasteful. At the moment, research is going on in the UK into the possibility of creating human/animal hybrid embryos. Many people object to this, usually on the grounds of religious views. Those that try to argue using other means are inevitably revealed to have no real objection, other than the fact that they don't like it. It's just a feeling, a tradition or whatever, but the real reason is always the same. Fear.

The problem with doing what 'just seems right' is that different people have different ideas of what 'just seems right'. This doesn't apply to individual preferences of course (except in extreme cases), but when a society is considering making a law to apply to everyone, you have to take reason into account as well. That is, if you're of the business of creating a society in which people are free to do what they will within reasonable restrictions.

You do not have to be distraught if you accept what's happening, and understand why it has to happen. Still, you do not have to be alone either, it's just a matter of meeting new people. There is a true danger of too many short term memories destroying the human mind. Dreams can mitigate this, but they have to be allowed to occur properly. Not getting enough sleep (in the long term) has serious physiological consequences, and is now being revealed to increase the chances of physical problems as well.

When people know they are going to die in the near future it usually becomes obvious what's important and what's not. Money is one of the things that is not important. He's right of course, it won't help him after he dies so he might as well spend it on things he enjoys now. The same with life in a way, he knows he will die whatever he feels about it, so he might as well simply accept it. People would do well to follow his example in such things. It is good to see that you and Jack are beginning to drop the silly social ideas of how a couple is meant to be together though.

Your soul is not laughing at you, it 'is' you. So in saying you hate your soul you are only saying you hate yourself. Your soul is that which makes you you and other people other people. It is why you see through your own eyes and not someone else's. Still, your soul is everywhere. It's just that it's more invested in your physical body than in other places. The further away from your body, the less it exists there, but at no point does it cease to exist at all. So your soul 'overlaps' with every other soul in existence, but the more physically close you are to someone the more this overlapping occurs. It is exactly the same kind of thing as gravity in fact.

As for the way the experience relates to you, that is entirely your choice. The great thing about it though, is you can always make that choice again.

-----Original Message-----

From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]
Sent: 19 July 2008 20:02
To: God
Subject: FW: Happiness and Heartbreak

You would think that, but apparently not. Most people don't, it's quite depressing when you think about it really...

I know it's possible because I've seen it happen, humans change from being happy to sad and vice versa. So I get to see humans doing what I can never do, which makes it all the more depressing...

If you're an exception you're the only human who is, most humans change their feelings more often than they change their clothes. Of course, they just don't know any better. They should just chose some nice feelings and stick with them. Not content with destroying their own feelings, they sabotage their relationships to further cripple their emotions. They're a silly species. I'd say it was funny but I've never laughed in my so called life.

The problem with the path you're on is it's forever branching out into different paths. You have to chose one at every point in your life. Once you've found one that makes you happy you've just got to stick to it. Of course, there are no paths that will make me happy, they've all been fenced off...

I suppose it's possible that our souls have a friendly bet going on, but I don't know who's going to be judging it afterwards. Probably Raphael given our luck. Still, you have the possibility of happiness and I don't. All you have to do is claim it. You don't even need anyone else to be able to do that, it's just something humans get to do.

I'd jump at the chance to swap souls, but unfortunately it's not possible. Even if it was, our souls are made up of the same stuff, so we wouldn't notice the difference. You say you dying would be a favour, but you can do that yourself. You don't need fate to force it on you. That's something a lot of angels envy about physical beings, they can end their lives almost whenever they like...

Love and light are things that affect other people,
Camael

Signature - I'm not always this depressed... Except when I feel, think or do anything really...