Thursday, July 31, 2008

To: God

Re: Illusion and Power

I’m not going to try to get into some big philosophical debate over whether reality is an illusion because I know you’ll win, but it doesn’t really matter anyway. In the end, this is the world I live in, and the world I have to live in, and this world sucks. If I were to step back permanently, then I wouldn’t be living any more. There’d be no point to any of it if I really thought it was all an illusion and it didn’t matter. Like in a computer game, it doesn’t matter if you die because you can just reload it and have another go, doesn’t matter if you get hurt in a computer game, because it’s not real. If I was to spend my life thinking that nothing mattered, then it wouldn’t really be a real life. Maybe it is all an illusion, but you can’t live life based on that fact, or nobody would do anything. It has to matter. Nobody would do anything if it didn’t. Nobody does anything that doesn’t have some kind of point to it.

Obviously we’d all be better off without money, but what other systems are there? I can’t see us going back to what they used to do in the middle ages with trading goats and things, and humans are too selfish for communism or socialism to work properly – there have been plenty examples of that. It annoys me so much that people ruin things for themselves.

The government never listen. How many people will it take to protest about something before they listen? They estimated that worldwide 36 million people in over 3000 protests against the war in Iraq, and was that enough to stop them? No. That’s the equivalent of well over half of the population of the UK. It’s all about power. They have it and want more. Turns out there weren’t even any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq after all that too. No, they just couldn’t be friends with Iraq, so what’s the solution? Bomb them, of course, then put someone in power they can wrap around their little finger. It’ll probably end up going that way with Zimbabwe too, since they can’t get Mugabe under their control like they’ve got everyone else.

There are some instances when people don’t care enough, but there are others that have the public up in arms, and the government still go ahead anyway.

Politics is all wrong to me. If it was really democracy, why doesn’t EVERYONE vote on everything, rather than a bunch of overpaid people sat in the House of Lords who are completely out of touch with the real world? It’s not really democracy, it’s a dictatorship. The only difference is we get to choose who we’re being dictated by.

Well, you won’t take away the choice from Jack’s soul, but what about me? I don’t have the choice about Jack being taken away from me, and I’m a part of you too. Either way, the choice is being taken away from one of us.

Where do you draw the line between being involved and not? At what point do you just stand back and decide it doesn’t matter? I know why it’s all happening. Makes it that much worse, actually, that’s it’s not all just down to chance. The reason why it’s all happening makes me angry.

I don’t know what happened to the early night me and Jack were supposed to be having tonight. Jack’s going to hospital tomorrow for chemo again and I’m not going to see him for a whole week. I wonder if I should have been weaning myself off of him this past week or something, knowing all the while I’d never be able to stay away from him while he’s here for that to work. I came home two hours ago to let him pack his things for tomorrow, but he hasn’t done it yet because we’ve been on MSN all night. He knows he’s going to regret it when he’s tired tomorrow morning because he has to be at the hospital by half nine, but he won’t listen to me when I tell him to go to bed, not that I really want to stop talking to him. I’m not much better though really. If I went offline, he’d have to get on with packing his things, but I can’t. It would be a matter of minutes before one of us cracked and he phoned me or I phoned him. He’d better wake me up tomorrow morning before he goes. I know he hates waking me up, but I’ve told him I won’t forgive him if he doesn’t. I love him too much to lie in bed when it’s my last chance to see him for a week.

I know he’s up to something though, I just can’t figure out what. I know he could have packed his things while I was there, and he knows that too, but he sent me home anyway. He’s seemed really lost in thought today, like he’s planning something. It’s not like Jack to plan things. Normally, whatever we do is a spur of the moment thing. Must be something big for him to think about it like that. He couldn’t make it much more obvious he’s got something planned too, but still acts innocent. It’s so annoying! I don’t see how he can tell me not to plan anything for next weekend and when I ask why tell me ‘no reason’ and expect me not to suspect something. I know he’s doing it on purpose to wind me up, and it’s working! It’s going to kill me if I don’t find out before he goes tomorrow, else I’ll have a whole week of wondering.

Camael, I can’t possibly put any more effort into it than I am right now, and it’s not getting me that far. I think I’ve gotten through the tip of the emotional iceberg, but there’s still the huge bit underneath that isn’t going to melt in that ice-cold water. The only way you can get rid of it is to break it. Jack could break it, but soon Jack’s going to become one of those icebergs himself.

Well, there is that saying that less is more. I might have to settle for less because I know what it’s like to have more taken away from you.

Okay, I’m going to stop myself now. I always read back what I write to you afterwards and wonder where it all came from. I’m not actually that depressed. Not yet, anyway.

Right, I know it’s late, but I’m going to have a shower now so I don’t have to have one tomorrow morning. On that note, can you hit Gabriel when you see her and tell her it’s from me? As hard as you like.


Wednesday, July 30, 2008

To: Poppy

Re: Truth and Reality

That is the problem of course, what 'you' want and what your soul wants is different. You say you sometimes manage to change the way you perceive things though, so there's hope for you yet. You say you then 'come back to reality', but the opposite is true. The world you live in is the illusion, which must be so for you to believe you're having a true experience. At some point though, that has to end. There comes a time when people are able to step back from the world and see it for what it truly is. The universe is a great mechanism to allow souls to experience relationship to others, but that is all it is. It is when people get 'lost' in the experience that you end up feeling the spectrum of emotions that humans do, so there are two options if those feelings are negative. One is to change the physical events if that's possible, and the other is to step back from the experience.

If the people around you are not helping you deal with things the only thing to do is find new people. Jack's one good example, but there are others. Keep looking, and you might find some.

Most people are stuck in the experience, and these are the people who have made your world what it is. A lot of these people are sadly stuck in the belief that money is paramount, when in reality the human race would do well to replace money with a better system. It's unlikely humans will be able to function without some system of value to their jobs and possessions, but there are better ones that what you have now.

The people are powerless because they have made themselves that way. Some because they are afraid, but most because they've stopped caring. There are more than enough people to force the government to change, but they do not. Therefore, in one way, the government in power could be said to exactly represent the will of the people.

It would make little to no difference to me if Jack lived, but it would make a difference to Jacks soul. The choice belongs to him. I will not take away choice from what is after all a part of me, any more than another part of me could take a choice away from me.

Well, at least you're getting some sleep when he's around, which isn't doing any harm. Still, you do have a choice to not just go with what seems right, your mind is perfectly capable of reasoning. That's just it. Human/animal hybrid embryos might seem wrong, but it could well lead to interesting developments that would help your race develop cures and such.

You're quite right to turn your back on a society that is destroying itself, albeit slowly. Somehow, as long as the repercussions are the 'next generations' problems few people really care. Still, there are those who care about the kind of world their children will grow up in. There has been a shift towards that way of thinking. At the rate it's going though, humanity will have long since destroyed itself before anything really comes of it. Society needs people who care if it's going to survive, and the people who care do not wish to belong to society. A good example is in politics, when someone resigns in protest. It's very nice and all that they did that, but in reality it just means there's one less good person in the government. A quick flash of publicity is all that really comes of it.

If you'd had a different soul, you wouldn't be you. Your soul is you, so it is not possible to have another one. You should relate to it as a soul, which is your consciousness. See it for what it is, and enjoy it without getting too involved, or at least, don't forget why it's happening.

-----Original Message-----

From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]
Sent: 24 July 2008 22:35
To: God
Subject: FW: Happiness and Heartbreak

Oh you can do it, I know you can. Humans always can. So can most other races too, very depressing... Of course I can't do it, but I won't meet anyone other than the angels that can't. That would give me something in common with them.

Still, being human gives you something else too. You won't be happy just not being sad, you'll always have to have more. Look at Microsoft. Always wanting more. Just humans all over...

Wow, if I could kill myself I'd have done it long ago. It's not right that I have to stay here feeling like I do. Things will only get worse with time... I've plenty of that left.

Still, there's some good news, the perverted one's on her way back. That means you won't have to talk to me...

Love and light are things that affect other people,

Signature - I'm not always this depressed... Except when I feel, think or do anything really...

Thursday, July 24, 2008

To: God

Re: Desires

I’m not experiencing what I desire though. I’m experiencing what my soul desires, and the difference between what my soul wants and what I want couldn’t be much more different if we tried. Everyone says it’s supposed to feel good when you do things that engage the soul. Not for me. My soul has very strange ideas about what makes it feel good.

Sometimes I do manage to change the way I perceive things. Sometimes, just for a little while, I manage to just stand back and accept the events of my life for what they are. Then I come back to reality, see the cumulative effect all those events have had and what they’ve turned my life into and I just want to cry. On their own, none of the things in my life are completely unbearable, but all together along with the little side pieces that make it all that much worse , it’s too much for me to be able to handle. I manage to forget most of it when I’m with Jack, but there’s still the problem with Jack that’s brought even further to the front of my mind when I’m with him. When I’m on my own (which is a pretty rare occurrence now) all of the different things are just about equal in awfulness, but when I’m with Jack, it’s just that one thing, which takes on the combined awfulness of all the other things that have gone for the moment.

I don’t act that way towards my dad out of choice – he’s forced me into it. I don’t like ignoring him, but if I didn’t he’d really get to me, and my life is bad enough as it is. I have to be able to talk to people to be able to deal with things, and you’d have thought someone who lives in my house would have been perfect for that, but history has taught me that he just doesn’t want to listen. I learnt to stop trying years ago. I tried so hard for so long and it didn’t get me anywhere. I’ve given up now. If he can’t make the effort for me, I’m not going to make the effort for him.

This world makes me sick. Of course they rip them off. Money is apparently everything in this world. Nobody does anything for free. I hate this world so much. I know money can’t buy you happiness, but it can help an awful lot of people. All these big corporations take advantage of those people because it’s so easy to do. All the supermarkets buy produce from third world countries and pay the farmers less than it cost them to grow it, but the farmers are so desperate they don’t have much choice.

There are worse places though. They’ve started printing notes in Zimbabwe now with a value of one hundred billion dollars, and it’s still only enough to buy two loaves of bread. Inflation is at two million percent, and people still complain about the ‘credit crunch’ in the UK. I dream of the day when money will all disappear and people will do things and help each other out of the kindness of their hearts. I know it’s never going to happen though.

Well, the government should see that people in general paying through charity isn’t getting very far, but they’re not concerned with helping people, just lining their pockets. Even if they couldn’t do anything directly themselves, they could still donate to charities to help other people on their behalf. I’m sure they should have enough extra money lying around from closing the post offices and all the university funding they’re not paying now students have to pay top up fees (and they wonder why they can’t get doctors or teachers any more – nobody can afford to pay the fees!). The government know better than anyone what the power of money is, but they still don’t do much. Even if all the charities did shut down though, it wouldn’t change anything. The government never listen, no matter how much people complain. Iraq, closing post offices… They give the impression they listen sometimes, but they don’t really. It’s just coincidence that the government share the same opinion as the general public on (very rare) occasion. If the public don’t like something, it doesn’t matter, because they’re going to go on ahead anyway, and there’s nothing the public can do to stop it.

You evolving can wait. Would it make that much difference to you if Jack lived?

My life isn’t that bad, but it’s not that good, with the obvious exception of Jack being there, which he’s not going to be for that long. Young and healthy…I kind of wish I wasn’t. It should have been me with cancer, not Jack. He has so much more to live for than I do. I have him and nothing else. The problem is, Jack does fill all of my desires. I don’t need anything else when I’m with Jack. It’s a good thing Jack remembers to eat because he reminds me – I don’t even I’m notice I’m hungry until Jack decides it’s lunch or dinner time. I don’t notice I’m tired either until all of a sudden it’s the next morning and I realise I fell asleep on Jack’s bed. It’s been well over a week now since I last wore pyjamas or been IN a bed rather than ON it, because I always just fall asleep, rather than decide it’s bedtime and close my eyes and try to sleep. I tell myself I’m just lying down for a bit and the next thing I know it’s 8 hours later.

I don’t have much choice but to go with what just seems right, because I don’t know where my opinions and beliefs come from any more because they’re not coming from my religion. It’s just instinct now, and human/animal hybrid embryos just seem wrong. Then again, I know I’d do anything to save Jack, and if things like that could help other people like Jack…

After Jack though, I don’t know if I want any more friends. I don’t want anything else to happen to anyone else that’ll make me feel like I do now again. I can’t take it. I won’t have anything more that good in my life, but it prevents any more bad things happening.

Neither of us have time to worry about what people think couples should do, not that either of us would if we did. There’s not really anyone else there to think things anyway. Emily doesn’t really understand it properly, and Jack’s mum is just happy that he has someone to spend time with. What does it matter what society thinks couples should do anyway? I’m happy, Jack’s happy, I love Jack and I know Jack loves me because he tells me every ten minutes, and that’s all that matters. Society can think what they like. Society has turned its back on me for so long, now I’m turning my back on society. They can think what they like.

It does make me wonder about relationships though, and reasons people get into them. When I was with Damien, I thought we both loved each other enough, we were going to get married one day and have children, and that’s what it was all about. I look at me and Jack now, and I couldn’t possibly love him more than I do, but I look to the future and there’s nothing there. Makes me want to cry, writing that, but it’s true. Me and Jack are never going to get married or have children or do anything like that. We’re not going to spend the rest of our lives together. Well, I’m not. Jack’s going to spend the rest of his with me, but me on the other hand… damn, here come the waterworks…

I don’t hate myself, but I hate my life and what my soul has turned it into. Would any of this have happened if I had had a different soul?

How else am I supposed to relate to it? It’s part of an obvious pattern.

Camael, I just don’t think I’m ever going to be able to change my feelings. It’s been nine years now, which has been more than long enough for me to accept that Mum’s dead and it’s not going to change, but I look at my life and what it’s become because of it…

My feelings never change that much. Just happy and sad, mostly sad in the past, but now it’s happy and sad at the same time, and it’s a horrible feeling. It breaks my heart.

I know how it feels to see other people having what you want. I see so many other people being happy for so many reasons, but my only source of happiness is my dying boyfriend.

I’m not letting myself make the same mistake again though. No more friends after Jack. I’ve changed my goal in life. I’m not going to try to be happy after Jack’s gone, I just don’t want to be sad. It’s a much easier goal to achieve, and not so far to fall if it does all go wrong. Mediocrity doesn’t crumble like happiness does.

Well, there’s hope for you yet. You just used the word ‘friendly’ in a sentence containing me and you. I’m sure that’s got to be some kind of cue for my soul to start conspiring to kill you.

I have thought about killing myself before, but I don’t think I’d ever be able to do it. Sometimes I stop myself as soon as the thought comes up, but other times I’ve sat there for hours thinking about it. Haven’t found anything quick and painless enough yet though. I’d never kill myself while Jack’s still here anyway, so I’ve still got time to think about it. Even if I did find a way to do it though, I don’t think I’d be able to get up the courage to be able to actually carry it through. No, it has to be a convenient accident, or at least something I don’t induce myself. There’s no way I’m sticking with my life for another 50-60 years waiting for me to die naturally if I’m going to spend it all feeling like this. Well, I’ve got a few months to think about it yet.


To: Poppy
Re: Problems and Solutions

Though the resources are available to solve the problems mentioned, they are generally not available to those that need them, usually just because they cost money. In any case, their problems are physical ones, whereas yours are emotional. Still, the solution to any emotional problem lies not in changing the physical conditions, but your perception of them. You cannot bring back the dead. You cannot prevent people from dying. Still, you can recognise life's purpose, and that you are experiencing the situations you desire. The solution to your problem therefore is one of acceptance, rather than fighting to prevent what is now an almost inevitable outcome.

With regards to family, it might be pointed out you are acting towards your father much the same as he is to you. One difference though is that he is not dying as yet, and there is still time to resolve your problems. There's a saying regarding religion, "Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Give a man religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish". The point is you live in a universe defined by the laws of physics. Solving physical problems, such as not having enough to eat can only be accomplished by using those laws. These people need food, which means either they have to grow it or someone has to give it to them. I'm sure you can find some way in which you can profit from either, without completely ripping them off and having them live in poverty.

One could also make the argument that it is because charities like that exist that governments don't have to do anything. Why bother when people in general will pay the costs of such things? If suddenly, all those charities shut down, there might be enough public outcry to force the government into doing more. This applies to the US more than the UK though, since while the US spends more on AID than any other country (about $210,000,000,00 a year) as a percentage of its total income, it spends considerably less than any other country (about 0.16%). In comparison, the UK spends less (about $800,000,000,0), but that's 0.36% of its total income. Still, no country spends even 1%, which just shows how little people really care. This of course, is the key problem in society, the lack of caring. The government is a symptom of this, it is not the problem itself. The problem lies with the millions of people in the country who allow it to happen.

You do not have to meet someone identical to you in order to be friends with them. Differences can create bonds just as similarities do. Besides, your life is not all that bad as it is now. You are young and healthy, the only problem is how you perceive the world and the people around you. Jack is dying, as all of your species do. When he does, his soul will return to the source, or go on to new challenges. This is not something to be avoided, we need the experiences such as this to evolve ourselves.

As to where you're supposed to meet people, well, shopping? Randomly on the street? At the bus stop? People are everywhere. Finding them is never a problem. Most people feel much the way you do when they're in love, but try to remember that nobody's the ideal representation of perfection. There are always different people worth getting to know, and no one person can (or should) fill all of your desires.

A lot of very useful ideas are dismissed because people think them distasteful. At the moment, research is going on in the UK into the possibility of creating human/animal hybrid embryos. Many people object to this, usually on the grounds of religious views. Those that try to argue using other means are inevitably revealed to have no real objection, other than the fact that they don't like it. It's just a feeling, a tradition or whatever, but the real reason is always the same. Fear.

The problem with doing what 'just seems right' is that different people have different ideas of what 'just seems right'. This doesn't apply to individual preferences of course (except in extreme cases), but when a society is considering making a law to apply to everyone, you have to take reason into account as well. That is, if you're of the business of creating a society in which people are free to do what they will within reasonable restrictions.

You do not have to be distraught if you accept what's happening, and understand why it has to happen. Still, you do not have to be alone either, it's just a matter of meeting new people. There is a true danger of too many short term memories destroying the human mind. Dreams can mitigate this, but they have to be allowed to occur properly. Not getting enough sleep (in the long term) has serious physiological consequences, and is now being revealed to increase the chances of physical problems as well.

When people know they are going to die in the near future it usually becomes obvious what's important and what's not. Money is one of the things that is not important. He's right of course, it won't help him after he dies so he might as well spend it on things he enjoys now. The same with life in a way, he knows he will die whatever he feels about it, so he might as well simply accept it. People would do well to follow his example in such things. It is good to see that you and Jack are beginning to drop the silly social ideas of how a couple is meant to be together though.

Your soul is not laughing at you, it 'is' you. So in saying you hate your soul you are only saying you hate yourself. Your soul is that which makes you you and other people other people. It is why you see through your own eyes and not someone else's. Still, your soul is everywhere. It's just that it's more invested in your physical body than in other places. The further away from your body, the less it exists there, but at no point does it cease to exist at all. So your soul 'overlaps' with every other soul in existence, but the more physically close you are to someone the more this overlapping occurs. It is exactly the same kind of thing as gravity in fact.

As for the way the experience relates to you, that is entirely your choice. The great thing about it though, is you can always make that choice again.

-----Original Message-----

From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]
Sent: 19 July 2008 20:02
To: God
Subject: FW: Happiness and Heartbreak

You would think that, but apparently not. Most people don't, it's quite depressing when you think about it really...

I know it's possible because I've seen it happen, humans change from being happy to sad and vice versa. So I get to see humans doing what I can never do, which makes it all the more depressing...

If you're an exception you're the only human who is, most humans change their feelings more often than they change their clothes. Of course, they just don't know any better. They should just chose some nice feelings and stick with them. Not content with destroying their own feelings, they sabotage their relationships to further cripple their emotions. They're a silly species. I'd say it was funny but I've never laughed in my so called life.

The problem with the path you're on is it's forever branching out into different paths. You have to chose one at every point in your life. Once you've found one that makes you happy you've just got to stick to it. Of course, there are no paths that will make me happy, they've all been fenced off...

I suppose it's possible that our souls have a friendly bet going on, but I don't know who's going to be judging it afterwards. Probably Raphael given our luck. Still, you have the possibility of happiness and I don't. All you have to do is claim it. You don't even need anyone else to be able to do that, it's just something humans get to do.

I'd jump at the chance to swap souls, but unfortunately it's not possible. Even if it was, our souls are made up of the same stuff, so we wouldn't notice the difference. You say you dying would be a favour, but you can do that yourself. You don't need fate to force it on you. That's something a lot of angels envy about physical beings, they can end their lives almost whenever they like...

Love and light are things that affect other people,

Signature - I'm not always this depressed... Except when I feel, think or do anything really...

Saturday, July 19, 2008

To: God
Re: Happiness and Heartbreak

I know there are a lot of people out there much worse off than I am, but there’s one major difference between me and them. We have the resources to solve their problems. People starving? There’s food out there. People dying of curable diseases? The cures are out there. Those people just need help from the right people and everything will be alright for them. What about my problems? We don’t have the resources to solve them. Is someone going to come along with some magical machine that’s going to cure Jack and bring Mum back from the dead? As much as I wish it, I know it’s never going to happen. Those people starving and dying in Africa still have hope. There are solutions to their problems. There are no solutions to mine.

People in Africa stick together too. Families work together to get through their troubles. There’s nobody like me there, suffering in silence for nine years when my dad still lives in the same building as me. His bedroom is less than ten metres from mine, we share the same bathroom, kitchen, living room and everything else and he never says a word to me! Oh yeah, a lot of those African countries are Christian too, so that helps them. It gets them through life. There’s no way you can persuade me their religion is a bad thing.

A lot of the charities trying to help people in Africa are Christian too, so another way in which Christianity is a good thing. If it wasn’t for charities like that, nothing would ever get done, because it’s not like the government are ever going to do anything to help them. I hate this country. As far as our government is concerned, those countries owe them money, and they want it back. Never mind that they’ll never be able to afford to pay it back, or the interest they’re charging them that they can never keep up with, or the suffering it’s causing. It’s never going to change. Our government loves taking money from people. If it weren’t for the ridiculous amount of tax they add on, we’d have the cheapest fuel prices in Europe. The government take money from people in every aspect of their daily lives and they still apparently can’t afford to help people who really need it. No, they’d rather spend their time and money trying to claim back expenses for furniture for their second homes, because they don’t earn enough to be able to afford it for themselves.

Maybe making friends isn’t difficult for other people, but it is for me. Like I said, two friends in nine years, and Damien doesn’t count any more, so one friend. One friend, who’s going to die by the end of the year. I’d almost be afraid to make any more friends after this for fear of what might happen to them! You can imagine what the events of my life have done for my self-esteem. I find it impossible to talk to people I don’t know. What do you say? 'My mum died when I was nine, my old boyfriend cheated on me with two other girls and my current boyfriend is slowly dying, so that’s why I’ve spent most of my life depressed. Be my friend! I’m great fun to be with!' Yeah, right. The only way I‘m going to meet someone with a similar personality to me would be to find someone who’s life has been as messed up as mine, and the ruin that is my life has set the benchmark for that unbelievably high.

Anyway, where am I supposed to meet people? None of the options you said will work for me. Jack is my only existing friend, and he doesn’t have any other friends to introduce me to. Clubs and social events would be great if I had money and a way to get there (I have thought about maybe getting a part-time job, but I don’t want to waste what time I’ve got left with Jack working. Every second is precious now). I hate going to pubs and nightclubs on my own because they’re always full of drunken idiots, and if I go there with Jack there’s no way I’ll want to spend time with anyone else while he’s there. That’s the problem, it’s a catch-22. When Jack’s gone, I won’t have anyone to go places with, the resources to do it (Jack drives us around to all sorts of places, but once he’s gone, I can’t drive. I can’t even afford to get the bus), and chances are pretty good that I’ll be too upset to do it anyway. So, it looks like the other option is to do it while Jack’s still here, but I’m just not interested in other people while Jack’s here. I certainly have enough reason to make other friends, but not really the will or the channels to do it through. Next to Jack, everyone else means nothing. Nobody else can compare.

As for clubs and social events, I used to do things with the church sometimes. Church was the only place I could go and feel like I fit in, even if most of the people there were much older than me. I don’t feel like I fit in there any more though, so thanks for ruining that for me. Now it’s strictly a Sunday morning thing, and the only reason I still go is because I go with Jack. Once Jack’s gone, I won’t have any reason to leave the house. I don’t even go food shopping any more. I order it online so I don’t waste time shopping I could be spending with Jack. I can’t see myself taking up the habit of actually going to the supermarket again, even after Jack’s gone. The world could end outside my room and I probably wouldn’t care. Probably wouldn’t even notice. Jack having cancer is like someone’s put a timer on how much longer my life’s going to be worth living. I love every second I spend with Jack, but every second that passes brings me one second closer to the end.

Okay, I’m all for organ donation, and I can see the benefits of using organs for research too, but I’m going to try to forget everything else you suggested. That’s disgusting! Just the thought of it makes me sick.

So doing what just seems right is a problem now? Whatever happened to ‘follow your heart’?

I fail to see how I can be anything but distraught at the fact that my boyfriend, the one person in the world I care about and the only person who cares about me, is slowly dying from an incurable illness. I’m going to be alone again and I can’t bear it. I’ve spent far too much of my life alone and I hate it. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry. The thought of being alone in the world and knowing nobody cares. To be so completely without hope…

I dream of the day my long term memories will have the emotional edge taken off of them. I have far too many memories that have been burned into my mind in perfect detail, emotions and all. The night Mum died, Mum’s funeral, the night I found out Damien had been cheating on me (although that one’s been a lot easier to deal with since I’ve had Jack). The emotions all just so strong that I couldn’t possibly forget them, no matter how much I want to. All those things I remember as if they are short-term memories. Maybe that’s why I feel like my mind’s been destroyed several times over.

This week has been so difficult for me. It’s much harder for me to enjoy myself with Jack than it used to be, since it takes that much more effort for me to forget everything but the here and now. Just being with Jack is a constant reminder of what’s going to happen. I try to hide from Jack how much I’m hurting inside but it’s not working. Jack scares me with how easily he can tell what I’m thinking. He told me this week that I don’t smile as much as I used to around him, so after that I really made the effort, but now he says I’m trying too hard. He wants me to just be me, but this is me. I used to really enjoy myself with Jack, and I still do, but it feels like it’s tainted now. He complains that I never want to go anywhere too. It’s not that I don’t want to go anywhere with him, it’s just that I don’t care where I am as long as I’m with him, so what’s the point of going out when I can just be with him at home? He spends so much money taking me places trying to make me happy, and when I tell him off about it he just shrugs and tells me that money’s not going to be much use to him when he’s dead. He talks about him dying like he could be talking about how it’s going to rain tomorrow. I can’t even think about it without falling to pieces but he talks about it like it’s nothing.

Me and Jack hardly ever spend any time apart now. It’s even got to the point where we end up sleeping together now too. It’s usually that we go to Jack’s house and I end up falling asleep on his bed and he doesn’t want to wake me up so just sleeps next to me. When I do manage to stay awake, he walks me home and I make him come in with me and we end up falling asleep on my bed. It’s become a joke with Jack now. ‘Who’s house are we sleeping at tonight?’. Jack’s mum has started making breakfast for four every morning now too. It’s like the family I never had. I feel like Emily’s as much my little sister as she is Jack’s. Jack wants to know if I want him to make space in his wardrobe for my pyjamas. He’s joking, but it could end up actually happening at this rate. I practically live at his house anyway.

Now that I think about it, right now is the longest I’ve been away from Jack in quite a few days. He sent me home about an hour ago to ‘get ready’. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be getting ready for, because he won’t tell me. He just told me to wear something nice and he’ll phone me when he’s ready. I can only guess what he’s got planned. He’s so spontaneous, it could be anything.

No, I don’t know exactly what mine or Jack’s souls have got in mind, but I have a pretty good idea. I’ve got until the end of the year with Jack, if I’m lucky, then I’m hoping my soul will have had enough of grieving and being lonely and depressed and find some quick and painless way of doing away with me. I doubt it’ll happen though. My soul will let me suffer for a while, let me meet someone, wait until I get attached to them then put an end to it, breaking my heart in the process. My soul’s getting quite good at that now. It’s had enough practice, I suppose. My soul must be loving this. I can hear my soul now: ‘Hey, Poppy seems to be really attaching to you. Would you mind dying or otherwise leaving her so it can ruin her life again? kthxbye.’ My soul is laughing at me, and it’s been in on it with the souls of everyone else I’ve ever cared for. Mum dying was a tragic accident. Damien cheating on me could have just been bad luck on my part, but now Jack dying too? That’s a conspiracy. So, my soul probably intends to torture me some more, and I know what Jack’s soul has in mind. It’s leaving. Never mind me.

How does this experience relate to who I am? Well, who I am is an 18 year old girl who’s depressed, scared of being alone and spends a lot of time grieving for the loss of people she loves. Yeah, this experience fits in with that quite nicely. Damn, I hate my soul.

Camael, it’s been nine years. You’d have thought if that was true I’d have realised it by now. If it was that easy, I’d have done it long ago. Not a day goes by where I don’t wish I felt differently about things. No offence, but you’re not exactly the best person to be giving me advice on how not to be depressed. How do you know it’s possible for people to change their feelings? You obviously have no experience in that area.

You could be right though. Perhaps people can change the way they feel, but I must be an exception or something. I’ve tried to stop hurting and I can’t. I’ve had nine years to get over Mum’s death, amongst other things, and it hasn’t got better with time the way things do for pretty much everyone else in the world. The only way my feelings ever change is for the worse.

I know there are paths that might lead to me being happy, but they all have heartbreak at the end. I’d put money on that. No, I’d rather just stay on the path I’m on. Don’t get involved with anyone else and they can’t hurt you later on.

Don’t feel too bad. My soul hates me too. I bet when I was conceived all the other souls saw what an emotional screw-up I was going to be and left. Then my soul came along and saw me, rubbed its hands together and thought ‘Yes! I can work with this!’

Maybe our souls are competing for the title of ‘worst life ever’. Your soul’s an idiot and mine’s a genius. If your soul was half as smart as mine, it’d know to raise your hopes and happiness as high as it possibly could before crushing you. It gives the heartbreak that extra edge that just makes it that much worse. If me and Jack had just been friends, I’d still be upset, but no. My soul decides to get me involved with Jack to the point where I can’t live without him, then decides to test to see if I actually can live without him.

My soul’s getting creative with its torture methods now too. Not satisfied with just ripping away the people I love, it’s dragging it out over several months this time. Probably wants to see how much happiness and heartbreak I can have at the same time before my heart explodes. What’s it going to come up with next?

Want to swap souls for a bit? You might realise you’re not so worse off after all. My soul would probably follow its usual method, get you to become so attached to someone you can’t breathe without them, then just as it’s about to get rid of them say ‘Bugger! Angels can’t die like humans can! I have no way of getting rid of this person now!’ and you’d live happily ever after with that other angel. Your soul would probably do me a favour too. If it had me die, it would make all the pain go away.

If I could lock Jack in my room, I would. I’d never let go of him. I’d keep him in my arms forever. Shame it wouldn’t stop him dying though.


Friday, July 18, 2008

To: Poppy
Re: Feelings

Well, not to deny how you feel, but there are certainly people worse off. Starving people, people dying of diseases which in another part of the world would be quite curable. These people are often as young as eighteen, or even younger still. Even so, your people have the resources needed to solve most of these problems.

Making friends is not a difficult thing to do. Meeting a new person with a reasonably similar (or at least interesting) personality to yourself is half the battle. The other half happens over time, spend enough time together doing things and you'll begin to see each other as friends rather than acquaintances. Meeting people can be done randomly or purposefully, doesn't really matter which. If you want to do it purposefully though, you'll need to either be introduced by an existing friend, or join some club or social event.

Well, there's all manner of uses for the human body, even after it's died. If it's done quickly enough, the organs can be used for transplant. If not, they could be used in research. One good idea would be to make some examples of each major part available to schools for the students to see. After all, it's a little pointless showing them pigs hearts. Bones could be of use to make furniture, or they could even be used to make Adhesive's. What about as a food source? Just a few ideas. I'm sure human beings could come up with others too.

Part of the problem humans have is a lot of their beliefs are based on the fact that it 'just seems right'. Usually, if pressed, they can rationalise it with quotes from some religious text. Of course, what 'just seems right' to one man is an awful waste to another.

You can react differently by reacting differently. You can't change the physical event, but you can change how attached you are to something, you can change how you feel. Feelings do not control you any more than thoughts of bodily sensations do, on the contrary, 'you' create feelings. Try creating different ones, since the ones you're currently creating seem to be causing you pain.

You don't need to process every event throughout your life that provoked an emotional response. You've done most of it while you sleep. It's the process of storing short term memories as long term ones. Humans have long noticed that long term memories are usually far less vivid, and far less intense than short term ones. So in order to turn a short term memory into a long term one, it has to be processed, the emotional edge taken off. If your mind never dreamed, your entire life would be remembered as if it was still short term memory, and the cumulative feelings would destroy your mind.

It's nice that you were able to enjoy yourself for a time, even if you spent a lot of it crying. Not a bad thing to do really. At least it gets it off your chest somewhat, and at least you're with someone you love while you do it. Still, keep in mind you don't know exactly what your souls got in mind, nor Jacks. Try to take some time to look at things from outside yourself, and ask, 'how does this experience relate to who I am?'

-----Original Message-----

From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]

Sent: 11 July 2008 16:54

To: God

Subject: FW: Company

Oh it's not a joke, but you do have the choice. Maybe you just haven't realised how easy it is for humans to change what they feel. Of course, it's much more difficult when you believe it's not possible. With me it's true, but with you, there are still probability paths that might lead to you being happy. Just takes the biscuit really, virtually everyone else can do it but me...

Well, it wouldn't be sadism exactly but it looks like my soul is the most awful kind of idiot. Probably volunteered first for the 'who wants to live the worst possible life ever' idea.

Ah well, just have to lock Jack in your room then.

Love and light are things that affect other people,


Signature - I'm not always this depressed... Except when I feel, think or do anything really...

Friday, July 11, 2008

To: God
Re: Company

Not that many eighteen year olds have to deal with death as much as I have. I’ve already had my mum die, and I haven’t got that long before Jack dies too. Perhaps I wouldn’t feel so bad if they just got old and died naturally, but it’s not. Mum was only 34 when she died, and Jack’s only 18. It’s not right! Jack’s not even dead yet and it’s eating me up inside.

I never used to be as lonely as I am now. Back in primary school I had loads of friends, but after Mum died it just all went wrong. Dad just didn’t want to speak to me and my friends were just too young to understand, and then I got held back a year because of it all because I had no choice but to bottle it up around other people. My friends then just forgot about me because I wasn’t in their class any more and I never made any more friends after that. Since I was nine, I’ve made two friends. Just two. The first is Damien who’s a write-off now and Jack’s going to die. Two friends in nine years. That’s an average of one every four and a half years. I only met Jack a month ago, so I’ve got at least another four years before my chance will come up to meet another. Even then, they’ll probably die or something else will happen to take them away from me, if the pattern continues, which knowing me, it will. I’m a walking disaster area. My problem is that I do have to rely on a single personality to make me happy, because that single personality is all I have.

Well what else do you suggest we do with the bodies? It just seems right that they should return to the earth.

How can I react to the things that happen to me any different to how I do? My mum died and I was left with nobody. Now Jack’s dying and I’m going to be left with nobody. How can you expect me to be happy about that? A while ago, my faith might have comforted me a little bit, knowing that it was all part of some plan and that it all had some grand purpose. Now, it’s one of two things: Jack’s soul has either had enough and doesn’t care about me enough to stay, or it wants to act as a catalyst to ruin my life again, because it wasn’t messed up enough as it was. It might not be so bad if I had something other than Jack in my life to feel good about, but there’s nothing.

Ha, if I was going to try to process every event that’s provoked an emotional response in my life that still affects me now before I went to sleep, I’d never get the chance to sleep. I’d be dead and buried long before I got the chance to finish. Sadly enough, the idea of me being dead and buried is something that quite appeals to me at the moment. Not quite as much now as it did before Wednesday, but it will once 2008 is over. The only time I’ve really slept this past week was Wednesday night when Jack was there. I don’t feel so bad when he’s around. I’d been up since four Wednesday morning and I wasn’t going to let myself try to sleep any more after seven that morning when I knew Jack could be back soon. Jack finally got back just before three that afternoon and as soon as I saw him coming I couldn’t get out of the house quick enough. When he saw me coming I don’t think he could get out of his car quick enough either. If we hadn’t both been running when we got to each other I think one of us would have knocked the other one over. Jack grabbed hold of me in the tightest bear hug in the world and I wasn’t going to let go of him either. When he kissed me it was like someone had plugged me into the electricity, it was that amazing, even though it felt like someone had put a stake through my heart at the same time when I realised how completely out of breath he was when he hadn’t even run 50 metres. We must have been there for a good five minutes in the pouring rain before I allowed my common sense to take control and go inside because we were both getting wet and Jack didn’t have a coat, so we went down to Jack’s house. Jack’s mum wasn’t home because she’d gone to school to pick up Emily so we went up to Jack’s room and lay down on the bed and talked all night. He put his arms around me and I rested my head on his shoulder and put my hand on his chest but pulled it away when I could feel how irregular his breathing was. There are just so many things like that about Jack that I’d never really paid attention to before now that suddenly make a lot more sense now I understand the explanation for them. Jack told me he’d been thinking of nothing but me all week when he was in hospital and I told him I’d been thinking of him all week too. Jack started crying when I said that, then I started crying considerably more, then me crying made Jack cry even more, because he hates himself for making me feel bad. I didn’t want to tell him after that just how bad I’d been feeling all week. We stayed up all night talking and Jack telling me things that broke my heart. I cried quite a bit but had to make an effort to look away from Jack when I did because I didn’t want him to cry again as well. He told me a lot of things about him and his cancer that felt like someone was stabbing me when he said them, all the sort of things I didn’t want to know the details of but feel I should. He says the doctors say he’s got until November or December. It’s going to go so quick. December was the worst month of the year before Jack came along, with it being the month my mum died in and Christmas thrown in there was well just to remind me that everyone else has people to spend what’s supposed to be the happiest time of the year with except for me. Please let it be after Christmas. I don’t know what I’ll do if it’s before.

I don’t know what time it was when we both fell asleep, but it must have been late because I know we were still there talking when it was dark outside because neither of us wanted to get up to turn the light on or pull the curtains so we just lay there in the dark talking, and it was quite a while after that. We both woke up at half past three in the morning and realised what time it was but I didn’t want to go home and Jack didn’t want me to either, and it’s not like Dad would have been worried about where I was or anything, seeing as it’s all he can do to acknowledge my existence, so I stayed there and we both fell asleep again. It felt so amazing when I woke up the next morning, because it was the first time I had slept properly in over a week. Jack was already awake and just lying there still like we had been the night before. He refused to tell me how long he’d been awake for with me sleeping there but it was eleven when I woke up, and I know Jack is always up early, but I know he wouldn’t have woken me up. I wish he would have though. Sleep feels like a waste of time when Jack’s there. I had to force myself to go home and have a shower and get changed too, but Jack wanted a shower and to get changed too (because we’d both fallen asleep in our ordinary clothes which were also still wet from us standing out in the rain), so it’s not like I’d have been with Jack for those 20 minutes anyway.

It was almost twelve by the time we both got showered and dressed, so it was too late for breakfast so we had lunch instead. Jack had already cooked pasta by the time I got back to his house and it was the most amazing thing I’ve ever tasted, even if it weren’t for the fact that I’d hardly eaten that week either. I’d have stolen the recipe from him if he hadn’t admitted that he just opens the cupboards and makes it up as he goes along with whatever comes to him first. I wish I was that good. With me, it’s whatever comes out of the tin.

After lunch we both walked to the park and sat on the swings for ages talking again, but it was much more like old times with us, without any talk of cancer or anything that makes us both cry. I really needed that, to be able to go out and do something that totally took my mind off everything bad. I can feel Jack feels a lot more comfortable now I know too, even though I can tell he feels terrible for what he’s going to put me through when he dies. He just needed to talk to someone about it. I understand how that feels.

Camael, is that some kind of joke? I’ve had enough motivation for controlling my feelings. I don’t want to be depressed any more than you do. I’ve had it on and off for nine years, and I hate it. Don’t you think that would be enough motivation for me to try? I’ve cried enough too, so you can’t say that I’m suppressing anything. No, I just think it’s not possible.

I just think some souls must be sick and sadistic, like mine and yours. If I was supposed to have been happy, it would have happened in this life.

Oh, if only a teddy bear could make me feel like Jack makes me feel.


To: Poppy
Re: Loss

I was of course, referring to everyone when I said that people will end up out of your life. Death is something almost any human with a relationship to others has to deal with. It's not usually possible for someone to see the reason why someone's soul chooses to move on, but it's generally because either they've had enough of the experience they're having, or because they want to be a catalyst for someone else's experience.

Some people tend to be loners, or at least, somewhat introverted. Nothing wrong in that. Having a small group of close friends can be better than having a large group of acquaintances, so this is what the shyer amongst you tend to aim for. Still, there are always new people, new experiences. No reason to rely on a specific personality to make you happy, and as you're discovering, it can be quite damaging to do so. Making friends is not something that can generally be forced, it just happens when you find someone you click with and spend time with them.

Not being good at dealing with people dying is something you're certainly not alone in. At least, in the human race. So of course, your race has to make up silly means of getting rid of the body. Why on Earth do you bury your dead in the cold earth to be devoured? Who thought that would be a good and respectful thing to do? Or burning it until it turns to ash? Seems very foolish turning your bodies into fertiliser when they could be put to far better use.

It is not possible to say what would have been happening now if your Mum were still here, simply because your choices are what define the future. Nevertheless, it seems likely that you would have been happier. I still say though, that it is your reaction to such things that makes you unhappy, not the things themselves.

Losing the Christian religion is only the loss of false beliefs. So in reality, it's not a loss at all. Losing it could even be said to be a gain in itself in fact, because it means you're one step closer to the truth.

If you cannot sleep, you should try to process your feelings when awake. You do this simply by playing back any event that provoked an emotional response (one that still affects you now) in your mind. In this way, you can process these feelings before you try to sleep.

Well, that last paragraph to me certainly shows the strength of your feelings. That's something you might want to work on, it's not good for humans to rely on each other so strongly. That's usually what happens I know, but still it would be better to simply love without need. Despite most human examples to the contrary, this is in fact possible.

-----Original Message-----

From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]

Sent: 09 July 2008 14:59

To: God

Subject: FW: Control

Oh I see, trying to make chemicals flow through their blood. I remember once on Earth someone offered me a little pill they called 'E'. Said it would make me happy. Yeah real likely... I took it, and it went straight down... My windpipe. Somehow it got lodged there, and kept occasionally blocking and unblocking my air supply. Took me two hours to die that time. Was a record for me then.

You've had the opportunity yes, but not the motivation to attempt it properly. Human's can be happy by accepting what's happening, rather than trying to do things they like to balance it out, or simply trying to suppress their feelings. You can only process them, and it's a different thing. Not so for angels, but it works for those who can choose their feelings.

Well, in your future lives, (which you'll get to choose long before me incidentally) you'll be able to chose the broad outline of them before you start. So if you want to be happier you can be. By the time I get that chance my soul will probably not want to do an awful lot. I'll just return to the source, if the source will have me that is. Probably it'll turn around and say, "sorry, you're life's not needed..."

Of course, you don't have to wait. You can decide to love something that won't die now if you like. Maybe a teddy bear or something. Of course, if I did that you could guarantee it would be stolen, defecated on and burnt...

Love and light are things that affect other people,


Signature - I'm not always this depressed... Except when I feel, think or do anything really...

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

To: God
Re: Control

When you say it’s inevitable that people will end up out of your life, were you talking about everyone or just me? I never hear about anyone having the amount of bad luck that I’ve had. There are enough people I don’t like who it looks like I’m stuck with, but the people I love always get taken from me. Almost too much for it to be a coincidence.

You’d have thought by now I’d be used to being alone, the amount of time I’ve spent being so, but it still hurts, every time more than the last. The problem is, I DO relate to Jack on all levels. There’s nothing I can’t talk to him about. He’s the best friend I could ever hope for. I’m never going to find anyone else even remotely close to being that amazing for me. A whole group of people can’t even come close. Anyway, I find it hard enough to make one friend, let alone a whole bunch of them.

I have no way of dealing with people dying. It’s not just missing the person, but the effect it has on my life. I can’t even imagine how much different my life would have been if Mum was still here. It would be unrecognisable. Not just my home life, but everything. I wouldn’t have been held back in primary school because of the effect it had on me, I’d still have had my friends from primary school, we’d all have gone onto secondary school together, as opposed to them being in the year above me then and me losing touch, and I would have had people around me. Whether I’d still have met Damien would have been anyone’s guess, but it wouldn’t have mattered so much because I’d have been happy with my friends. I’d never have met Jack either, but that wouldn’t have mattered because I’d still have been happy. Jack would probably die without any friends, but he’s going to die. I’ve got to live on. Wouldn’t have lost my religion, either.

I’ve been thinking of nothing but Jack all week and I still have nightmares about him on the rare occasion I actually do get to sleep. I always end up waking up because of it, but they’re caused by my lack of sleep anyway. It’s an unending cycle. I have nightmares because I can’t sleep, but I can’t sleep because I keep having nightmares.

I just can’t wait for him to come back. It’s been a week now. He should be back today. I hope he is. I’ve built myself up to it now. There are so many things I need to say to him and so many things to talk about. Every time I hear a car go past outside it makes me jump up to the window and then I get disappointed when it’s not him. I’m sat here with my shoes on and everything and my coat lying on the bed. I’m not going to waste a second putting on clothes when Jack comes back. Forcing myself to put my coat on too when I go, because it’s pouring with rain. Not that the rain would stop me even if I didn’t have a coat. Jack’s worth more than that.

Camael, the self harm thing is supposed to be all about adrenaline, but I’m not quite that far yet. As if any kind of adrenaline rush could equal the feeling I get when I’m with Jack. Might have to keep it in mind for when he’s gone though, to remind myself of how it felt, kind of.

Do you not think I’ve had enough opportunities to practice controlling my emotions? It doesn’t work. I’ve given up now. I’ve had the best part of nine years being upset and depressed. If I was ever going to get over it, I’d have done it by now. I agree, it would be nice to be able to do it.

I’m quite looking forward to my future lives, actually. I can’t see any way in which they could be much worse than my life right now. Even the worst examples I can think of are still better than the one I’ve got now in some respects. Even if I was starving in Africa, food doesn’t die, and it doesn’t get taken from you once you’ve got it. The worst that could happen would be that I would die, not the food. Or even being reincarnated as a drug addict, drugs don’t die either, and all that would happen is the drugs would kill me. I’d die with what I loved. In my life now, the things I depend on get taken from me, and I’m still expected to be able to live on.

Gotta go, Jack’s back. The sight of his car driving up the road never looked so beautiful before.


To: Poppy
Re: Feelings and the Night

I'm not saying you should become a passive observer of life, just that you should see it all in context. It would make no sense to be alive if you weren't 'throwing' yourself into the experience, which is why most species and individuals don't remember where they came from. Still, there's a difference between being attached and being reliant on someone. When you're reliant on somebody, when they're out of your life (as they inevitably will be one way or another) you're suddenly in a very poor condition.

Well, whether or not it makes you feel better, it is the very reason you're here. It is the purpose of life itself, for us to have physical experiences rather than just knowing the theory.

It is of course, entirely up to Jack what he does after he dies. If he's had enough of the experience of life, he will return to the source and cease to exist as an individual. If he's not ready for that, he'll begin a new life, either as a human or some other life form. Every event, including meeting Jack, has both positive and negative outcomes (from a human point of view anyway). You can't do anything about the initial meeting, it's already happened. All you can do is decide how to relate to it in the here and now. It's an opportunity, if it wasn't, it wouldn't be possible for it to happen.

Being alone is not something most people are cut out for, everyone needs someone to relate to. Or at least, human beings do. Now, most people, simply because they are unique find it difficult to find someone they can relate to on all levels. So they need more than one friend. Subconsciously, they know there's a danger that a certain someone will leave/die /whatever, and so it's best to have more than one about to satisfy each criteria. Suddenly, people are getting involved in large friendship groups. This method allows humans to be part of a group, have many friends and see them individually depending on their mood. While the way it's described may seem a little morally questionable (but then that's humans for you), it's a better means than relying on a single person simply because people change over time. Not that having close relationships is a bad thing, but relying on them for emotional stability can make you end up, well, you know how. You're feeling it now.

The sooner humans start accepting that humans are not yet eternal, and figure out ways of dealing with that, the sooner they'll be able to adapt to people dying.

Resisting a feeling like that however, will not work. People can suppress feelings that way, but they're still there. Sometimes, people do this by accident, they start to feel something, then think of something more important, or the phone goes. The initial feeling is left unprocessed in your mind. It may be interesting to know that this is the purpose of dreaming. The dream process takes these fragments of emotions and thoughts that have not been put in order and sorts them out, which is why dreams can seem so random, and why (with strong feelings) they can seem so vivid. With strong negative feelings, they become nightmares. It is much the same process as a computer running a defragmentation process on the hard disk. The answer is therefore, to confront these feelings. Rationalise them, express them, play with them in your mind.

If someone experiences strong feelings like this often enough, or doesn't get enough sleep (or both), the dream process may not be enough to purge these feelings. This tends to result in the feelings having a physical impact, such as not eating properly. Be careful it doesn't turn into something too serious huh?

-----Original Message-----

From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]

Sent: 07 July 2008 11:57

To: God

Subject: FW: Happiness

Of course, when you realise it's all futile and give up, and things still get to you, that's when life really starts getting you down. I figure most other people are happy, or at least are happy some of the time. Of course, the universe couldn't survive if they were all as sad as me. Might be better off if it didn't anyway, doesn't seem to be much point to it. At least humans can end their lives when it gets too much for them, most of the time. I can't even do that.

That reminds me, I've seen depressed humans cutting their skin sometimes, not enough to kill themselves but enough to bleed a fair amount... Why would they do that? Surely if there's any way things can be worse it's for their bodies to be bleeding and in pain.

For you it's not as impossible as you think. You humans don't have to feel anything you don't want to, with practice you can even control it to quite a fine degree. Not totally, but almost. It must be nice... I'm sure it'll never happen for me mind you. Not that I imagine I'll be wanting any future lives but if I did I'm sure they'd end before I could be happy in any sense of the word...

Love and light are things that affect other people,


Signature - I'm not always this depressed... Except when I feel, think or do anything really...

Monday, July 07, 2008

To: God
Re: Happiness

So what are you saying? That I should just not get attached to anything and just watch life pass me by? Perhaps I am more attached to Jack than I should be, but how many teenagers have fatal illnesses? I’m sure you’re gonna pull out some statistic that’ll shock me, but it’s still a lot less than the people who don’t. It’s not reasonable for me to think that the people I make friends with might die. Still, after Jack, I don’t think I’m going to be able to stop myself, irrational as it seems.

Everyone’s gonna be looking forward to see what it’s like. You don’t make me feel better at all.

I thought the whole point of Jack dying was that his soul didn’t want to experience anything any more. Makes me feel like a third wheel who’s just messing everything up for everyone. Jack feels bad he’s going to have to leave me behind, I’m going to be heartbroken when he dies. As much as I love Jack, I find it hard to convince myself that everyone wouldn’t have been much better off if we’d never met each other. Being with Jack is only just good enough to outweigh how awful we both feel, and how awful I know I’m going to feel, if how I’m feeling now is anything to go by.

That’s strength I’m beginning to run out of. I know too well what being alone feels like, and I don’t want that, but I know it’s going to happen. Every time it happens, it hurts more than the last time. I don’t think I could possibly be hurting more right now. When Jack dies, I might as well die with him. I won’t have any strength or reason to go on. I know there are other people out there, but no-one like Jack, and I won’t be in any position to meet them if I feel like I feel now. Mum died nine years ago and I still haven’t gotten over it. Now I’m going to have two people’s deaths messing up my life and I can only assume that it’s going to mess it up for at least another nine years. I’ll be twenty-seven then, if I last that long. I can’t imagine myself being twenty-seven. It just seems too far away. Twenty-seven year olds have jobs, families, houses. So many grown-up things. I think my life just stopped when my mum died. I still feel nine years old inside. I wish Mum was here. She’d make me feel better. As it is, she’s dead and I’m stuck with my dad who’s downstairs with a girl who’s gotta be half his age and the only person who makes me feel better is the whole cause of this pain in the first place. I can’t wait until Jack comes back again. Every second seems to go on forever. Once he’s gone though, there won’t be anyone or anything left to make me feel better. I’ll feel like this for the rest of my life. What’s the point of living that life?

I know there’s no advantage to feeling the way I feel, but it won’t go away. I want it to stop so badly, but it won’t.

It doesn’t matter if I’m not in a condition to enjoy myself with Jack at the moment anyway. Jack’s not here. I’ve hardly eaten anything these past few days. I swear my jeans weren’t as big on me last week as they are now. I thought maybe as the week went on I’d get used to Jack not being here, but no. It’s gotten worse.

Camael, I’m not trying any more. I know how you feel. I’ve got til the end of the year then nothing will be able to help me either. Facts of life suck. People die, I hate it and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can complain about it, you can complain about it but it doesn’t change anything. Everyone else always seems so happy but everything seems to go wrong for me. Jack’s not the only person in the world, but as if I’m going to be in the mood for meeting other people after Jack dies. It’s not fair. I should have been the one with cancer. Nobody would notice me gone. Even if I still met Jack and I had cancer, he’d get over it. He has his family. I have no-one.

Heh, who wants to be friends with a depressed angel… who’s gonna want to be friends with depressed me? It is theoretically possible for me to be happy, but it’s not going to happen. It’s like ripping someone’s legs off and expecting them to still be able to walk. Take away my reason to be happy, and of course it’s not possible for me to be happy after that. The only way I can be happy after that is to get myself drunk, and that always goes wrong. Even if it doesn’t, I know I’ll be feeling terrible for it the next day.

I expect you will experience this at some point. This experience seems right up your street.


To: Poppy
Re: The Curse of Life

The "curse" as you put it is not the things that are happening, but the way you attach yourself to people and events. Things are not too good to be true but are simply true or false, still, people allow themselves to get so reliant on other things and people that when they inevitably lose them it becomes a great tragedy for them.

Nobody is too young to die. Your race is a perfect example of that. You know as well as I do that children die even before they are born. Nowadays, Cancer is not so restricted to those who have been abusing their bodies in such a way, virtually anyone can get it. The background radiation level of your planet has increased dramatically with radio and microwaves, amongst other things. Mutations caused by such things are inevitable.

Good that you don't regret it, but your life journey is a choice, not a destiny. You could have just walked away when Gabriel left you with Jack, but you didn't. You made the choice, consciously or otherwise, to see what he had to offer in the way of experience. Of course, he made that choice too. His soul desires to have the experience he's having, even if he doesn't realise the fact. It's one of those experiences that is very interesting to compare to similar ones, so we'll be looking forward to that when you've both returned to us.

As to cutting him out, it would be unreasonable at this point. You're already attached, and you'd still be upset about it regardless. Having said that, that never stopped humans before... Humans do tend to think the worst of each other, but usually their fears about people's reactions are unjustified. They tend to exaggerate the emotions they believe others feel. You said you didn't want him to go home, any reason he had to?

It is nice to see that you're sticking with it. It shows a certain amount of strength in your character, there are people who would find such an event too much for their minds to handle. Contrary to your belief, there are not only so many times a heart can be broken. You can find the strength to continue with your life. Despite the way it sounds, it is fascinating for us to have such an emotionally charged experience, which is part of the reason why life was created in the first place. Now, since everyone is unique in some way you could well say that nobody could replace him, still, that doesn't mean that new relationships aren't there for you later on.

Humans find it difficult to deal with death I know, but you do not have to. It's not so different for Jack, inevitably you'll be left behind, but until that happens you might as well enjoy yourself with him too. There's no advantage is being upset because you anticipate heartbreak...

If you're finding eating solids difficult, perhaps liquidising it would help? You'll need to eat if you're going to be in any condition to enjoy yourself with Jack, it's hard to enjoy yourself when you're starving, especially if you're crying as well. Of course, silly superstitions such as breaking glass gets you seven years bad luck don't help either. Seven minutes maybe, because you have to clear up the mess and you could cut yourself...

-----Original Message-----

From: Complaints Department [mailto:Address removed by anti spam software]

Sent: 03 July 2008 22:53

To: God

Subject: FW: Love and Pain

Well exactly, why bother trying once you see that nothing can help me. Facts of life... Just another way of saying you're stuck with it. Doesn't mean you have to like it. Not that there's anything to like about my life. Of course, people like Michael always come along to prove it's possible for them to be happy, so sucks to be Camael. They try to help, attempting an impossible task, then are still ok with it when it doesn't work.

Well exactly, no wonder I don't have any friends. Who'd want to be friends with a manically depressed angel? At least your life seems to flip between being happy and not, even if it's mostly not. At least you know it's possible for you to be happy. Doesn't apply to me of course. Nobody could ever love me like Jack loves you, even if they were shortly to die.

You can guarantee, if having someone and losing them is worse than never having someone I'll be experiencing it at some point.

Love and light are things that affect other people,


Signature - I'm not always this depressed... Except when I feel, think or do anything really...

Thursday, July 03, 2008

To: God
Re: Love and Pain

I knew it had to be too good to be true with Jack. I’ve had such a terrible life and when I met Jack it seemed that I’d had something happen that went against that pattern, but no, apparently not. It’s another item in a long list of bad things that have happened to me. Maybe nobody is purposely causing these things to happen, but I can’t help but feel like I’m cursed or something. There have been so many bad things happen to me in my life it’s getting hard for me to believe they could all be a coincidence.

I know nobody lives forever, but everyone I care about always ends up dying. Jack’s only eighteen. He’s too young to die. Lung cancer is what old people get when they’ve been smoking their whole lives. Jack’s still a teenager. You never hear about teenagers getting lung cancer, and yet I manage to make friends with one of the few teenagers who has it. There are roughly 31,000 people living in my town. The odds of meeting Jack were 31,000 to 1, and I still managed to do it.

I don’t regret meeting Jack at all, but it almost seems like my life’s getting predictable now. Wait until I meet someone I can enjoy myself with, then something happens to rip them away from me. Anyone can see the pattern, except this time it’s been much quicker than normal. Normally it takes a few years. This time it’s a few weeks.

I’d never be able to do it, but it would have been a smarter thing to do to just cut him out of my life now. It would break my heart, but it’s going to hurt even more when he dies. I’m crying now just thinking about it.

Jack was convinced I was going to hate him and never want to see him for not telling me from the beginning, as if I could ever hate Jack. I didn’t leave his house on Tuesday night until almost one o’clock, even though neither of us could say anything to each other. I don’t even remember coming home, actually. I expect I was half asleep. I remember kissing him on the porch though outside my house. We were there for ten minutes because I didn’t want him to go home.

Yesterday morning was painful too, seeing him go. I hadn’t really slept and was looking out of the window and saw him leaving so I phoned him and made him come down to my house before he left. I was still in my pyjamas but I didn’t care. I ran down to him and kissed him. He seemed surprised that I kissed him. He thought that maybe after I was over the initial shock I’d come to my senses or something and decide I didn’t want to see him again, because he still can’t believe that I still want to even know him, let alone be his girlfriend.

I know I’ve been at the point before where I’ve had nothing to live for, but it’s different this time. There’s only so many times a heart can be broken before it’s broken for good. Nobody will be able to replace Jack when he’s gone. I don’t care what you say about his soul or his purpose or life. Regardless of all that, I’m still going to be on my own. You might find it fascinating to see me with a boyfriend who’s going to die. I’m just going to find it heartbreaking. Ha, you say it’s nothing to be upset about. I can’t take that seriously. If I wasn’t feeling so terrible I’d probably laugh at that.

It’s different for Jack to enjoy himself. Once he’s dead, that’s it for him. He might as well enjoy what time he’s got left. I just wish it was that easy for me. I’m going to be left behind. I love every minute I spend with Jack, but I know when he comes back it’s going to be different. Every day is going to feel like it could be the last day I spend with him, and one day it’s actually going to be. It’s not going to be easy and carefree like it has been. It’s going to change. I don’t want it to, but it will.

I haven’t been able to sleep or eat since yesterday morning. I’m so tired but every time I go to sleep it’s not much more than an hour before I wake up again, and every time I go to eat something I just can’t do it.

I cried so much yesterday it was almost like that bit in Alice in Wonderland. Today, I think I’m just all cried out. Damien texted me this morning for the first time in ages, and I ended up throwing my phone across the room harder than I thought and smashed my mirror. They say that’s seven years’ bad luck, but I don’t think my luck can get any worse. There’s a pile of broken glass on the floor and I haven’t read whatever Damien had to say yet. It’s probably the usual rubbish anyway.

Camael, I wasn’t pretending to be nice, but I’m just not in the mood any more, and it’s not like I’m getting anywhere with you. All you do is sit there complaining about facts of life that aren’t worth worrying about. Even when people like me and Michael try to help you you complain about it. No wonder you don’t have any friends when you act the way you do. You’re wrong though. I think in some ways you’re better off than me. Every time I meet someone who makes me happy something happens that puts an end to it. EVERY person who’s made me happy. My mum was hit by a car, Damien was cheating on me and now Jack’s dying of cancer. It’s so painful to have the people you care about taken away from you. That’s something you’ll never feel. I’d say that’s something you could feel good about, but you never feel good about anything, and the only reason you’re never going to feel the pain I’m feeling right now is because you’re too miserable to get to know anyone that well.