Re: Illusion and Power
I’m not going to try to get into some big philosophical debate over whether reality is an illusion because I know you’ll win, but it doesn’t really matter anyway. In the end, this is the world I live in, and the world I have to live in, and this world sucks. If I were to step back permanently, then I wouldn’t be living any more. There’d be no point to any of it if I really thought it was all an illusion and it didn’t matter. Like in a computer game, it doesn’t matter if you die because you can just reload it and have another go, doesn’t matter if you get hurt in a computer game, because it’s not real. If I was to spend my life thinking that nothing mattered, then it wouldn’t really be a real life. Maybe it is all an illusion, but you can’t live life based on that fact, or nobody would do anything. It has to matter. Nobody would do anything if it didn’t. Nobody does anything that doesn’t have some kind of point to it.
Obviously we’d all be better off without money, but what other systems are there? I can’t see us going back to what they used to do in the middle ages with trading goats and things, and humans are too selfish for communism or socialism to work properly – there have been plenty examples of that. It annoys me so much that people ruin things for themselves.
The government never listen. How many people will it take to protest about something before they listen? They estimated that worldwide 36 million people in over 3000 protests against the war in Iraq, and was that enough to stop them? No. That’s the equivalent of well over half of the population of the UK. It’s all about power. They have it and want more. Turns out there weren’t even any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq after all that too. No, they just couldn’t be friends with Iraq, so what’s the solution? Bomb them, of course, then put someone in power they can wrap around their little finger. It’ll probably end up going that way with Zimbabwe too, since they can’t get Mugabe under their control like they’ve got everyone else.
There are some instances when people don’t care enough, but there are others that have the public up in arms, and the government still go ahead anyway.
Politics is all wrong to me. If it was really democracy, why doesn’t EVERYONE vote on everything, rather than a bunch of overpaid people sat in the House of Lords who are completely out of touch with the real world? It’s not really democracy, it’s a dictatorship. The only difference is we get to choose who we’re being dictated by.
Well, you won’t take away the choice from Jack’s soul, but what about me? I don’t have the choice about Jack being taken away from me, and I’m a part of you too. Either way, the choice is being taken away from one of us.
Where do you draw the line between being involved and not? At what point do you just stand back and decide it doesn’t matter? I know why it’s all happening. Makes it that much worse, actually, that’s it’s not all just down to chance. The reason why it’s all happening makes me angry.
I don’t know what happened to the early night me and Jack were supposed to be having tonight. Jack’s going to hospital tomorrow for chemo again and I’m not going to see him for a whole week. I wonder if I should have been weaning myself off of him this past week or something, knowing all the while I’d never be able to stay away from him while he’s here for that to work. I came home two hours ago to let him pack his things for tomorrow, but he hasn’t done it yet because we’ve been on MSN all night. He knows he’s going to regret it when he’s tired tomorrow morning because he has to be at the hospital by half nine, but he won’t listen to me when I tell him to go to bed, not that I really want to stop talking to him. I’m not much better though really. If I went offline, he’d have to get on with packing his things, but I can’t. It would be a matter of minutes before one of us cracked and he phoned me or I phoned him. He’d better wake me up tomorrow morning before he goes. I know he hates waking me up, but I’ve told him I won’t forgive him if he doesn’t. I love him too much to lie in bed when it’s my last chance to see him for a week.
I know he’s up to something though, I just can’t figure out what. I know he could have packed his things while I was there, and he knows that too, but he sent me home anyway. He’s seemed really lost in thought today, like he’s planning something. It’s not like Jack to plan things. Normally, whatever we do is a spur of the moment thing. Must be something big for him to think about it like that. He couldn’t make it much more obvious he’s got something planned too, but still acts innocent. It’s so annoying! I don’t see how he can tell me not to plan anything for next weekend and when I ask why tell me ‘no reason’ and expect me not to suspect something. I know he’s doing it on purpose to wind me up, and it’s working! It’s going to kill me if I don’t find out before he goes tomorrow, else I’ll have a whole week of wondering.
Camael, I can’t possibly put any more effort into it than I am right now, and it’s not getting me that far. I think I’ve gotten through the tip of the emotional iceberg, but there’s still the huge bit underneath that isn’t going to melt in that ice-cold water. The only way you can get rid of it is to break it. Jack could break it, but soon Jack’s going to become one of those icebergs himself.
Well, there is that saying that less is more. I might have to settle for less because I know what it’s like to have more taken away from you.
Okay, I’m going to stop myself now. I always read back what I write to you afterwards and wonder where it all came from. I’m not actually that depressed. Not yet, anyway.
Right, I know it’s late, but I’m going to have a shower now so I don’t have to have one tomorrow morning. On that note, can you hit Gabriel when you see her and tell her it’s from me? As hard as you like.